THOROUGHLY MODERN MILLIE:
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: THE MARQUIS THEATRE, ONE MINUTE BEFORE CURTAIN.
There is no audience.
MARQUIS CREW
Is this show doing that badly?
MARQUIS USHERS
No, we've actually still been hitting an average of about
2/3rds capacity a full two and a half years later.
STAGE MANAGER
That's odd. We'd better start without them.
Curtain rises. Enter SUTTON FOSTER
with overly shiny wig.
SUTTON FOSTER
I'm Millie Dillmount, and I...
AUDIENCE
(finally entering)
Who the hell's idea was it to put this theatre on the third
floor of a hotel without putting up signs how to find it?
SUTTON FOSTER
Uh... I'm Millie Dillmount, a small girl from Kansas who is
trying to make it big in the Big Apple and seek the American
Dream!
AUDIENCE
You mean like in Wonderful Town?
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Hi Sutton, I'm Jimmy and I just want to tell you, while
you're in the Big Apple you'd better be careful. You should
go to Delta Burke's hotel for cheap reservations.
SUTTON FOSTER
Wow, what an asshole. I will continue to hate you for the
majority of Act One.
SCENE: A HOTEL OWNED BY DELTA BURKE.
DELTA BURKE
(With poor Asian-like makeup)
Mirrie, I'm Misses Meers, a hoter owrer, and ay would ruv it
if you rould shtay her in meh hoter.
SUTTON FOSTER
I... I can't understand you, Delta.
DELTA BURKE
I said, ay would ruv it if you rould shtay her in me hoter.
SUTTON FOSTER
????
DELTA BURKE
It's a stereotypical asian accent. I'm Asian.
SUTTON FOSTER
That's supposed to be an Asian accent?
DELTA BURKE
Werr, you non't hab a Kansas accent.
SUTTON FOSTER
Touche. Then I would love to stay in a room in your hotel.
See, I'm a small girl from Kansas who is trying to make it
big in the Big Apple and seek the American Dream...
DELTA BURKE
You mean rike in 42nd Street?
SUTTON FOSTER
...and I'm going to do it by marrying somebody rich!
AUDIENCE
You're... uh... gonna do it by marrying somebody rich...
well, I guess that's... *kinda* new...
REDHEAD BEST FRIEND
CHARACTER
Hi, I'm an ORPHAN from California! How do I get to my room?
The elevator doesn't work.
SUTTON FOSTER
Oh, well the elevator only works if you tap-dance on it!
REDHEAD BEST FRIEND
CHARACTER
...you're kidding right?
They tap dance and the elevator works,
with no decent explanation as to the
mechanics of such things.
AUDIENCE double-checks the price on
their tickets.
DELTA BURKE
Well well, it seems we have an ORPHAN. And it seems I have
suddenly switched from my absolutely unbelievable faux-Asian
accent to my normal voice. This sudden change probably would
have been funnier had it been more believable and played by
an Asian woman whose accent you didn't doubt for the first
ten minutes.
STOCK ASIAN CHARACTERS
(In subtitles projected onto
stage)
Oh, Delta Burke, what a dishonor to our family it is that
we're working for you by doing... what are we doing?
DELTA BURKE
We're selling off ORPHANS to become prostitutes.
STOCK ASIAN CHARACTERS
(subtitles)
Seriously, what are we doing?
DELTA BURKE
Really. My master plan is that every ORPHAN who comes in
here gets sold off to become a prostitute in Hong Kong.
STOCK ASIAN CHARACTERS
(subtitles)
THIS IS ACTUALLY THE PLOT?!?!?!??!
DELTA BURKE
Side plot. And you'd better keep working for me, Stock Asian
Characters, or your mother in Hong Kong will never come to
America, the land of opportunity!
(To AUDIENCE)
See? I won't let their mother come to America. So you HAVE
to hate me! Isn't that a genius plot device?
STOCK ASIAN CHARACTERS
(subtitles)
Not as genius as the joke that we speak only in subtitles.
Shame we ran it into the ground in the first two minutes...
SCENE: STEREOTYPICAL OFFICE SCENE, WITH TYPEWRITERS AND WATER
COOLERS AND OTHER LEFTOVER PROPS FROM THE "HOW TO SUCCEED IN
BUSINESS" REVIVAL.
SUTTON FOSTER
Eligible Company President Bachelor, I'm a small girl from
Kansas who is trying to make it big in the Big Apple and seek
the American Dream.
ELIGIBLE COMPANY PRESIDENT
BACHELOR
You mean like in The Life?
SUTTON FOSTER
Well... sorta. And I want a job.
ELIGIBLE COMPANY PRESIDENT
BACHELOR
I'll give you a five minute test which will somehow see how
capable you are of being the stenographer for the president
of the company. You won't have to show me any references or
experience, nor will you be required to move up the ladder by
being a secretary for a lesser person first.
SUTTON FOSTER
Fair enough.
ELIGIBLE COMPANY PRESIDENT
BACHELOR
Right then. So I'm going to sing a whole bunch of words in
fast rhyming couplets so that they appear humorous even
though they're actually not. Then, you take them down and
sing them back to me at a pointlessly faster speed.
He DOES, and she DOES.
OFFICE BOSS
Well, regardless of the fact that you were entirely unable to
pronounce half the consonants in the entire song, you have
the job. Now go to work.
SUTTON and the FEMALE CHORUS do a tap
dance with typewriter-desks that would
have been clever had THE PRODUCERS not
done the same exact thing with old
women and walkers the year before this
show opened.
OFFICE BOSS
That's a great job, Sutton. From now on, for a reason that
makes no sense in this play even as an attempted joke, I will
call you John.
SUTTON FOSTER
You'll what what now?
SCENE: HOTEL WITH THE GIRLS.
SUTTON FOSTER
I'm bored and we need to make the audience wake up. I know,
let's go drinking in this weary time of prohibition.
REDHEAD BEST FRIEND
CHARACTER
Yes, let's go drinking in this weary time of prohibition!
SCENE: A BAR OR A LOUNGE OR A PUB OR SOMETHING, DURING THE
WEARY TIME OF PROHIBITION.
Typical Romantic Male Lead is there.
VARIOUS HOTEL GIRLS WITH
SAME EXACT PERSONALITIES
Come on Sutton Foster, drink this unspecified beverage with
us!
SUTTON FOSTER
Allright, I'll take just one sip.
(She does, only one sip. This
affects her greatly somehow)
Wow, suddenly I'm a terrific dancer, and very intoxicated!
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
I'm quite the plastered bastard myself, and I only had one
sip too! what the hell is this stuff, ABSINTHE?
A single flask (badly lit by a
spotlight) is passed along a huge line
of people. This takes a year and a
day.
SPOTLIGHT GUY
I'm not following the flask decently because I had only one
sip of what they were having...
They all get caught for drinking and
another drunken revelry ends in jail.
BOOKWRITERS RICHARD MORRIS
AND DICK SCANLAN
See? Drinking is bad. You can't drink without dealing with
the consequences!
AUDIENCE
You mean like in Guys n' Dolls?
SCENE: A JAILCELL, ODDLY VERY CLEAN.
Curtain rises on SUTTON FOSTER, TYPICAL
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD and BORED CHORUS.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
I have a hairpin, so I can escape from my jailcell!
He does.
ALL THE MALES IN HIS CELL
Hmm, interesting how we don't try to get out at all now that
he's escaped.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
(to self)
Wait, if I escape, I may never see Sutton again! I'd better
stay right here, locked in jail.
He re-locks himself in his jailcell.
SUTTON FOSTER
You know, you COULD just use that hairpin to just help me
escape. I might find even it romantic.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
....yesiree, better stay right here.
SCENE: STREETS OF NEW YORK, BUT WORSE LIGHTING.
SUTTON FOSTER
I'm glad we got out of jail within the same night. Because,
of course, the repercussions for a drunken revelry are much
less severe here during the weary days of prohibition. Or
something.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Yes, well, will you join me for a party tomorrow night?
SUTTON FOSTER
Okay, but it's not a date.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
How convenient that we can go on these non-dates, because
single males and females always go out together for platonic
only outings during the 1920s. And why can't we date?
SUTTON FOSTER
Well you see, I'm going to marry my boss, who calls me John.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
He calls you John?
SUTTON FOSTER
So where are we going tomorrow night?
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Well John, I know this woman who has these--
SUTTON FOSTER
Did you just call me John?
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Sure.
SUTTON FOSTER
What the...
SCENE: THE EMPTY STAGE.
Enter FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN SINGER.
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
(Sings, mugging at the audience
like it's running out of
style, with lots of male
dancers very gayly-dressed in
background. Five minutes pass
by and she hasn't stopped
singing. We still don't know
who the hell this character
is.)
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Shady singer who I am friends with, I want you to meet John.
SUTTON FOSTER
Actually, my name's not--
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
Well, John, for no apparent reason I'm going to take an
immense liking to you. Hold on, I have to say hi to other
people. Hey George Gershwin, how's it going?
GEORGE GERSHWIN
Not well. I have composer's block.
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
That's a shame. Hey, that girl looks like a rhapsody in
blue!
GEORGE GERSHWIN
Wow, you just said a single phrase and I got an entire
symphony in my head!
He runs off, inspired.
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD
Ooh, do me next! Work the words "Great" and "Gatsby" into a
sentence together!
SCENE: A TERRACE.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
I want to be with you.
SUTTON FOSTER
Me too, but I can't! I need to live out the American dream
and marry for money.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Well damn.
SCENE: HOTEL.
SUTTON FOSTER
I've changed my mind. I want to marry for love!
She finds TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
leaving room of REDHEAD BEST FRIEND
CHARACTER.
SUTTON FOSTER
They kissed! I've changed my mind. I want to marry for
money!
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Damn, you're right, we did kiss. Gee, wait till Act Two when
you find out our relationship to each other.
SCENE: OFFICE AGAIN.
ELIGIBLE COMPANY PRESIDENT
BACHELOR
I won't marry you John. I want to marry your redhead best
friend.
SUTTON FOSTER
I've changed my mind once more. I want to marry for love!
SCENE: DANGEROUS LEDGE OF WINDOW, FOR NO GOD DAMNED GOOD
REASON BECAUSE HONESTLY, THEY COULD GO THE HELL INSIDE.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Barring any explanation of how the hell I got onto the ledge
of a skyscraper from the *outside*, I wanted to say I'm
sorry. I only needed to talk to her about my confused life.
Nothing happened.
SUTTON FOSTER
Ok, I forgive you.
They do some dancing on the ledge.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Oh no, I'm gonna fall!
SUTTON FOSTER
No, don't!
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
(He slips)
Oh wait, it's okay, I'm only like a foot off of the stage.
SCENE: KITCHEN OF CAFE SOCIETY.
SUTTON FOSTER
No wait, I've changed my mind. I want to marry for money
again!
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
(Slaps SUTTON FOSTER)
You stupid girl. This musical is a cheap attempt at the
shows of days of yore. Which means, formulaically, you HAVE
to marry for love.
SUTTON FOSTER
You're right! I've changed my mind. I want to marry for
love again!
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
You done changing your mind? We still have to stop Delta
Burke.
SUTTON FOSTER
Right, she's in this play.
SCENE: HOTEL.
REDHEAD BEST FRIEND
CHARACTER
Delta Burke, what are you doing?
DELTA BURKE
I'm sending you off to Hong Kong!
A big plan is deployed and some
uninteresting stuff happens, eventually
Delta Burke is caught.
REDHEAD BEST FRIEND
CHARACTER
Well, we caught Delta Burke.
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
Good thing too, former Designing Women stars are dangerous if
let loose in the wild.
SUTTON FOSTER
And I got to marry for love, but unfortunately not money.
TYPICAL ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Well, not really. See, I'm rich!
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
I'm his mother!
REDHEAD BEST FRIEND
CHARACTER
I'm his sister!
BOOKWRITERS RICHARD MORRIS
AND DICK SCANLAN
It's funny that both of those white people are the son and
daughter of the FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN SINGER!
AUDIENCE
Ah.
BOOKWRITERS RICHARD MORRIS
AND DICK SCANLAN
Get it? It's humor.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, we get it...
(sigh)
SUTTON FOSTER
How can she be your mother? You guys both said you were
poor.
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
No, see, I sent them out into the world without money or life
skills so they could find decent mates who didn't care about
money.
SUTTON FOSTER
You sent them off into the world without money or life
skills? What the hell kind of mothering is that?
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
Beats out my original idea.
SUTTON FOSTER
Which was?
FEMALE AFRICAN-AMERICAN
SINGER
Put them in cardboard boxes and see if they evolve.
SUTTON FOSTER
Ah....
(awkward silence)
So I should be mad that Typical Romantic Male Lead lied to me
about being poor, but I guess it was for my own good.
(To audience:)
Which just shows to show you, it's okay to lie to women in
musical theatre, because men know what's good for them. And
I got my American Dream, to marry for money and love. How
wonderfully convenient that at the end, the guy I fell in
love with had both!
REDHEAD BEST FRIEND
CHARACTER
Hey, what about all the other ORPHANS who were already
shipped to Hong Kong?
SUTTON FOSTER
Other what what now?
CURTAIN.
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