The Mousetrap: Abridged (London)


                                     MOUSETRAP:
                             A "London aBridge" Script
                                                            By Gil Varod




            SCENE: ST. MARTIN'S THEATRE IN LONDON, WHERE THE MOUSETRAP HAS
            BEEN PLAYING FOR OVER HALF A CENTURY.

                                   THE SEATS IN THE THEATRE
            We are so uncomfortable, it's an insult to British Theatre!

                                   Curtain rises for Act One.

                                   THE HUSBAND
            Hey, I'm The Husband!

                                   THE WIFE
            And I'm The Wife!

                                   OTHER CHARACTERS
            And we're other characters!  We're all pretty generic.  Why
            are we all here in your house?

                                   THE WIFE
            We decided to turn our house into a bed and breakfast.

                                   OTHER CHARACTERS
            That sounds like a great gimmick!  Let's all of us develop as
            characters over the course of Act One!

                                   They DON'T.

                                   EVERYBODY IN THE PLAY
            Blah blah, uninteresting dialogue, etc etc.

                                   ONE OF THE CHARACTERS THAT
                                   NOBODY WAS REALLY INTERESTED
                                   IN
                          (very unenthusiastically)
            No, don't kill me.

                                   She is killed, but we of course can't
                                   see who did it.

                                   Enter The Wife.  She discovers the dead
                                   body and screams.

                                   Okay, it's not really much of a scream. 
                                   It's more of a warble.  Completely
                                   unbelievable, whatever you call it.

                                   Curtain goes down, lights go up for
                                   Intermission.

                                   90% OF THE AUDIENCE
                          (waking up from their slumber)
            Hey, what'd we miss?

                                   OTHER 10% OF THE AUDIENCE
            Hey, you were the ones having the dreams.  We want to know
            the details of what *we* missed.

                                   Curtain rises for Act Two.

                                   OBLIGATORY INSPECTOR
                                   CHARACTER
            Okay, we need to figure out who killed that uninteresting
            character.  Let's all split up and find clues and create
            general filler for the rest of act two.

                                   They do.  Finally, one of the
                                   characters and The Wife are stuck in a
                                   room together.

                                   THE CHARACTER THAT ENDS UP
                                   BEING THE MURDERER
            I am going to change from good person to bad person on the
            turn of a dime, with no transition or even any clues that I
            was the killer!  And now, The Wife, I'm going to kill you!
                          (to Audience:)
            Are you on the edge of your seats yet?

                                   Sound of CRICKETS.

                                   THE CHARACTER THAT ENDS UP
                                   BEING THE MURDERER
            Uh... audience?  Hello?

                                   SOLE AUDIENCE MEMBER WHO
                                   HASN'T SNUCK OUT OF THE
                                   THEATRE OR FALLEN ASLEEP YET
            So... you're trying to say this has been playing for over
            fifty years straight?

                                   THE CHARACTER THAT ENDS UP
                                   BEING THE MURDERER
            Yeah.

                                   SOLE AUDIENCE MEMBER WHO
                                   HASN'T SNUCK OUT OF THE
                                   THEATRE OR FALLEN ASLEEP YET
            So at what point during those fifty years did it go stale?

                                   CURTAIN.

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