Nice Work If You Can Get It: Abridged

NiceWork.jpg
"No Kelli, carry the show, not *me*!"

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT: ABRIDGED
OR
NOT SO CRAZY FOR YOU

Scene: new york city

matthew broderick

I am a rich playboy millionaire who is on my fourth beautiful wife!  I just keep marrying them, stealing their innocence, and divorcing them when I've grown bored!

chorus girls

You must be very crafty.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

What?  No, I'm Matthew Broderick.  I only play characters who seem like they're never trying to figure anything out.  Also, MY MOTHER says I need to get married again, or else I don't get to take over the family business!

CHORUS GIRLS

Who's your Mother?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Estelle Parsons!

CHORUS girls

Oooh--

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Don't get too excited, she's only in the last six minutes.  OF ACT TWO.  It's a new thing we're trying called "The Broadway Cameo".

Suddenly Matthew Broderick bumps into Kelli O'Hara.

kelli o'hara

I am Kelli O'Hara dressed like a tomboy.  I WILL NEVER GET MARRIED, she said in case you weren't sure whether this show had a hundred weddings at the end.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Hi Kelli.

KELLI O'HARA

Matthew, why are your feet fumbling around onstage?  You must be "drunk"!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

No, I'm just Matthew Broderick.

KELLI O'HARA

(muttering to self)

Matthew Morrison, Harry Connick Jr, Paulo Szot... should have quit while I was ahead.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

What?

KELLI O'HARA

Nothing.  Just sing that old Gershwin classic, "Nice Work If You Can Get It".

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Sure.

(sings)

LINES DELIVERED FLATLY
TWO BLANK LOOKS IN EACH EYE
NICE WORK IF I CAN GET IT
AND I CAN GET IT IF I TRY.

KELLI O'HARA

I'm pretty sure those aren't the lyrics, Matthew.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

(unprompted, and kind of lecherously)

NOW WE KISS!

Matthew Broderick and Kelli O'Hara kiss.

The Orchestra suddenly sweeps into RHAPSODY IN BLUE, which is a tune Gershwin wrote to cover up when two actors have no chemistry.

KELLI O'HARA

Whoa.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Good kiss?

KELLI O'HARA

No, I was just imagining a 16 year old Kelli O'Hara finding out that she gets to kiss Ferris Bueller when she grows up, and that it ends up being pretty unincredible.

scene: matthew broderick's beachhouse on long island.

KELLI O'HARA

OK, MICHAEL MCGRATH and TALL BOOTLEGGER, this is Matthew Broderick's beachhouse he says he's never at.

michael mcgrath

Look how good my Nathan Lane impression is!

tall bootlegger

AND I AM VERY TALL!

KELLI O'HARA

Good for both of you.  Let's us 3 store all of our ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR in Matthew Broderick's basement.

Michael mcgrath

Great.  And then?

kelli o'hara

Then we just wait around for the rest of the musical.

michael mcgrath

Oh.

kelli o'hara

Yup.

michael mcgrath

No... no forward plot motion in any form at all?

kelli o'hara

Nope. 

MICHAEL MCGRATH

Shame.

KELLI O'HARA

Well if you'll excuse me, I have to sing "Someone to Watch Over Me" with a gun.

michael mcgrath

That's fine, I'll be over in the corner hilariously pretending to be a butler, and also trying to figure out ways to make my part even more Nathan Lane-like.

Enter Jennifer Laura Thompson and Matthew Broderick.

jennifer laura thompson

We are married now, Matthew Broderick!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Yes, let's kiss!

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON

We can't--I'm going to not have sex with you.  Because I'm basically Madeline Kahn in Young Frankenstein.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Oh no I have this telegram and it says that my previous ex-wife won't sign the divorce papers until Act Two!

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON

So we just wait for the rest of the act? 

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Yup.

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON

No forward plot motio--

MATTHEW BRODERICK

None whatsoever.

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON

I'm might as well spend the rest of that time singing and dancing in a bubble bath.

That HAPPENS.

Matthew Broderick takes a seat and stares out at the audience like he's forgotten he's ONSTAGE in a BROADWAY SHOW.

chorus girls

What's going on, Matthew?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Nothin' much.

CHORUS GIRLS

Would it help the plot much if we all suddenly showed up in your living room for no good reason and danced around?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

No, I think it would just confuse the audience about what some Manhattan dancer girls are doing in Long Island in the first place.

chrous girls

Oh.  Well then.

(they leave)


JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON

Hey Matthew, I'm going to leave for the night because I think my Dad will help with the fact that you weren't divorced before our marriage.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Help you?  How?

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON

Wait I read this wrong.  I think I meant to say that I'm leaving for the night because of Contrived Plot Reasons.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

That's more like it!

scene: matthew broderick's bedroom.

KELLI O'HARA

Matthew, we're supposed to sing "You Say Tomato I Say Tomahto" next.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

How on earth are you and I doing to sensibly do that?  I'm married to one or more other women!

KELLI O'HARA

If only we had a bookwriter.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Hold on--This playbill says that we DO have a bookwriter!  JOE!

bookwriter joe diPietro

Hello!  Want me to work some of the magic that I did in the Tony Award Winning Musical MEMPHIS?

KELLI O'HARA

Of course not.  Why would you even say that?

BOOKWRITER JOE DIPIETRO

Okay, here's what I've got: Matthew, you go to sleep.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Technically I've been asleep since the curtain rose!

BOOKWRITER JOE DIPIETRO

And Kelli, you're trying to make sure Matthew Broderick doesn't notice that the ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR is being unloaded from his basement overnight, or he'll be angry.

KELLI O'HARA

Well yes clearly the best way to make sure he doesn't notice what's happening is to wake him up.

(hides)


MATTHEW BRODERICK

Didn't we spend the entire first scene establishing that I'm an alcoholic and would probably be happy to help--

token black cop

(entering Matthew Broderick's bedroom)

Hi!  I'm searching for ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR!  Matthew Broderick, do you know where I can find said ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Did you just break into my house and bedroom?

TOKEN BLACK COP

No.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Did the Butler actually let you into my bedroom in the middle of the night?

TOKEN BLACK COP

Nope.  Right Butler?

MICHAEL MCGRATH

TOO DEEP?  THIS IS NOTHING.  I'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE'RE GETTING IN TOO DEEP!

KELLI O'HARA

(coming out of hiding)

Michael you are NOT Nathan Lane!

TOKEN BLACK COP

It's Kelli O'Hara!  Matthew, I know for a FACT that Kelli O'Hara has been caught transporting ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Will pretending that I'm married to her convince you to not bring her to prison for all the bad stuff she did?

TOKEN BLACK COP

Inexplicably yes!

SCENE: OUTSIDE OF MATTHEW BRODERICK'S BEACH HOUSE.

TALL BOOTLEGGER

Oh, RANDOM CHORUSGIRL, I have a problem.

random chorusgirl

Is it that you are awkward around women?

TALL BOOTLEGGER

No it's that I, a character that should have been cut in the first draft, have to carry two separate Gershwin duets!

RANDOM CHORUSGIRL

That's because Bookwriter Joe DiPietro's only tool for breaking out into song is to add MORE characters to the musical.

TALL BOOTLEGGER

From the guy who wrote "I Love You You're Perfect Now Change," a show made up of nothing but new characters every four minutes?  WHAT A SHOCKER!

scene: matthew broderick's living room.

KELLI O'HARA

Matthew, I love you, but I'm angry that you got married to Jennifer Laura Thompson, so I don't love you anymore.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Don't worry, my marriage to her wasn't legit, so I can marry you!  But I'm angry that you weren't going to be in love with me just because I was married, so now I don't love you anymore.

KELLI O'HARA

But Matthew, if your marriage to her isn't real, then I love you!  But I'm angry at you for not loving me when I didn't love you, so now I don't love you anymore.

matthew broderick and kelli o'hara

(pretending they're capable of doing a dance routine FAR beyond either of their dancing abilities)

WE DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER ANYMORE!

Jennifer Laura Thompson enters with her Dad.

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON

Matthew, who is that girl you were getting cuddly on the couch with?

Kelli O'Hara enters in a maid uniform.

KELLI O'HARA

I'm just the maid.

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON

Oh then all my concerns are gone!

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON's dad

And I was concerned that there was something weird going on in the basement, but everyone started singing and danced and it distracted me instead!  What a clever plot point.

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON

And good news--Matthew's previous wife has signed the divorce papers!  You know what that means...

MATTHEW BRODERICK AND KELLI O'HARA

YAY!  ACT ONE IS FINALLY OVER!

scene: outside of matthew broderick's beach house.

poor judy kaye

I am Jennifer Laura Thompson's Alcohol-hating Aunt.  Who wants to hear me sing a song about Strauss?

MICHAEL MCGRATH

Seriously?  This is a Gershwin jukebox show!  Can't SOMEBODY sing "They Can't Take That Away From Me" or "Embraceable You" or, fuck, "Bess You Is My Woman"?

poor JUDY KAYE

You're only saying that because of ILLEGAL PROHIBITION LIQUOR!  Which I HATE!

MICHAEL MCGRATH

Hey have you been paired up with anybody yet?

poor JUDY KAYE

No, why?

MICHAEL MCGRATH

I guess we're together by default then.

poor JUDY KAYE

Pretty random.

MICHAEL MCGRATH

(singing)

JUDY, YOU IS MY WOMAN NOW...

scene: Every good gershwin musical has a tapdance scene!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Um, is there a tap scene?

KELLI O'HARA

Nope.

scene: matthew broderick's dining room.

JENNIFER LAURA THOMPSON'S DAD

Even though Jennifer and Matthew supposedly had a whole big giant ceremony the first time they thought they were getting married, we're going to do it all over again.

poor JUDY KAYE

(swinging on a chandelier)

Aren't rich people ridiculous?!

KELLI O'HARA

I am a maid in this scene instead of, I don't know, hiding down in the cellar to make sure nobody sees our booze.
And Michael McGrath is still just kind of hanging around as a butler.

MICHAEL MCGRATH

WE GOT THE WRONG PLAY. WE GOT THE WRONG DIRECTOR. WE GOT THE WRONG ACTORS. WHERE DID WE GO RIGHT?

The cast breaks out into a lot of FAN-SERVICE jokes about how BAD REPUBLICANS ARE, because THE EASIER THE JOKE the FUNNIER IT IS.

Suddenly enter ESTELLE PARSONS dressed like a VERY MINOR SPOILER ALERT.

estelle parsons

The musical is almost over, so I decided to show up!

MATTHEW BRODERICK

I was going to ask you to tie everything up in a neat bow, but there's really not much to tie up.  I don't want to marry Jennifer Laura Thompson.  So I was considering just not doing it.  BUT THEN KELLI O'HARA GOT ANGRY AT ME FOR CONSIDERING NOT DOING IT, AND NOW I'M AGAIN NOT CONSIDERING NOT DOING IT ANYMORE!

KELLI O'HARA

NYAH!

ESTELLE PARSONS

Shut up.  You can't marry Jennifer Laura Thompson, she's your sister.  Like in A Funny Thing Happened To The Forum.  Remember Forum?  Why isn't anybody reviving that again right about now?

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Oooh!  Can a revival of Forum star ME?

nathan lane

(storming in upon having heard this)

That's enough, Matthew!  Back in your cage.

MICHAEL MCGRATH

That's enough, Math yoo, back in your--

NATHAN LANE

FOR GOD'S SAKE GET YOUR OWN THING!

blackout.



 


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