OLEANNA ABRIDGED
                     From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives
                                                          By Gil Varod
                                      






            SCENE: THE SCHOOL OF MAMET.


                                   Enter Bill Pullman.


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            Hi, I'm a professor.


                                   Enter Julia Stiles.


                                   JULIA STILES
            And I'm a student.
            Hmm.  We don't have any other characters to help with
            exposition.  


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            Why don't I ramble on and on about applying for tenure and my
            house and its mortgage, and how I have self-doubts, and other
            things that are all about me me me.  
            Will that make me elitist and chauvinistic?


                                   JULIA STILES
            That depends.  What are you a professor of?


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            I have no idea.  Maybe a teacher of Teaching or something?
            It doesn't matter.


                                   JULIA STILES
            Yes it does.  Maybe your personal experience is relevant to
            what I came in here for.


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            No, see?  No, see, no, no, see, no, NO.  
            No no see.
            No.
            It's all about...
            no, see?
            It's... see... no--


                                   JULIA STILES
            I feel so stupid when I hear you teach--


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            ---no... NO!... See?  SEE!


                                   JULIA STILES
                          (damn convincing crying)
            I'm going to fail.


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            Well if you come in here and talk with me every week, I'll
            give you an A. 
                          (puts hand on Julia Stiles'
                           shoulder)
            It's all going to be okay.


                                   DAVID FUCKING MAMET
            See?  By the end of the first act, the women are going to
            hate him... but wait till act two when the men are going to
            hate her!


                                   WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
            Well, we don't hate him so much... he's just kind of a crappy
            teacher, maybe a little egotistical.


                                   DAVID FUCKING MAMET
            No, did you miss when he touched her on the shoulder?  That
            proves he's a male pig.


                                   WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
            Well, what year is this play taking place?


                                   DAVID FUCKING MAMET
            Nineteen ninety tw--


                                   DIRECTOR DOUG HUGHES
                          (interrupting)
            Two thousand and nine.


                                   WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
            You sure?


                                   DIRECTOR DOUG HUGHES
            Yes.  Definitely two thousand and nine.  He touched a student
            on the shoulder, and it's two thousand and nine.  Yes.


                                   WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
            That doesn't prove he's a chauvinist.  That just proves he's
            an idiot.


                                   DIRECTOR DOUG HUGHES
            ?


                                   WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
            Any male today has to be an idiot if he touches a student
            even if his intentions are right.  
            Especially after the sexual harassment craziness of the early
            90s... Roughly 1992ish or so.


                                   DAVID FUCKING MAMET
            THAT'S IT, I'm ending the scene right he--






            SCENE: THE LAND OF BLINDS.


                                   You know what audiences love?


                                   They love watching curtain blinds go
                                   all the way up a set of windows over
                                   the course of two minutes.


                                   And then go all the way down a set of
                                   windows in roughly the same amount of
                                   time.


                                   With a loud mechanical sound of exactly
                                   that happening.


                                   Yeah, it's great to cater to an
                                   audience's likes.






            SCENE: INDETERMINABLE AMOUNT OF TIME LATER.


                                   JULIA STILES
            Hey, I'm suddenly articulate now, and quite the bitch.  Just
            wanted to let you know that I told the tenure board you
            shouldn't get tenure because you propositioned me.


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            What?  You have no proof.


                                   JULIA STILES
            I don't need proof, it's the hysterical crazy nineties.  Like
            remember when EVERYBODY was on Ritalin?


                                   She tries to leave.  He blocks her.


                                   JULIA STILES
            BLINDS!


                                   Blinds go back up and down and make
                                   more lovely mechanical harmonies.


                                   JULIA STILES
            Okay, now I told the board that just there, when you blocked
            me forcefully, that it was attempted rape.  So you're going
            to lose everything you have ever.


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            What?


                                   JULIA STILES
            So, just as you asked, I came here alone to talk to you about
            said rape claim.  Me.  Came here.  To meet my attempted
            rapist.  Alone.  
            For real.


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            Why do you hate me?


                                   JULIA STILES
            Throw a chair at me.


                                   BILL PULLMAN
            I'M GONNA THROW A CHAIR AT--


                                        BLACKOUT.






            EPILOGUE: OBLIGATORY AUDIENCE TALKBACK.


                                   PANEL HOST OF THE WEEK
            So...
            So it's 9:15, and we totally forgot to rehearse a third act. 
            But hey, who wants to stick around and say what they think
            and feel about the play?


                                   EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE
            I have meaningless useless crap to add to this discussion!


                                   YOU
            MUST... STAY IN SEAT... TO MAKE MY TICKET'S DOLLAR-AMOUNT PER
            MINUTE... SEMI-REASONABLE...


                                        TIME: 9:30 PM.


                                        HEY, SHAME "ROCKY HORROR SHOW"
                                        ISN'T STILL ON BROADWAY; YOU
                                        COULD HAVE CAUGHT THE SECOND
                                        PERFORMANCE!