PACIFIC OVERTURES REVIVAL:
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: STUDIO 54, ON A VERY CALM WOODEN STAGE SURROUNDED ON
THREE VERY CALM SIDES BY WATER, WHICH IS ALSO VERY VERY
CALM.
B.D. WONG (AS RECITER)
Hi there. I'm the most Americanized Reciter yet!
(smiles)
Aren't I warm and fuzzy? Don't I give you warm and fuzzy
feelings as I play the narrator in a show about how Japan was
destroyed and oh look how nice the set is isn't it pretty
aren't you relaxed and assured that all is well and don't I
have a nice smile?
(smiles)
Good. Since this is the only five minutes of the play that
I'll actually have a presence while on stage, let me take
this opportunity introduce you to JAPAN!
Enter REST OF CAST and ORCHESTRA MUSIC.
B.D. WONG
Now, here in Japan in 1852, we do wonderful things. Like, we
look at Japanese screens! Also, we eat rice!
(sings about these, ever so
smilingly)
And we stir tea, And we write poems, and weave mats, and eat
sushi and go to hibachi restaurants.
AUDIENCE
Okay... so... I'm uncomfortable by these Japanese
Stereotypes, written by a white bookwriter and a white comp--
VERY JAPANESE
DIRECTOR AMON MIYAMOTO
It's okay; I'm Japanese! Everything here is Kosher!
AUDIENCE
Oh, that makes us feel better.
DEFINITELY JAPANESE
DIRECTOR AMON MIYAMOTO
Yes. So relax and take it as Japanese Gospel.
AUDIENCE
Oh, thank you. Did you hear that, honey? He said--
Wait, did he just use the word "kosher"?
SCENE: SOME PALACE.
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Hey, high official guy, I've come to tell you that America is
planning to come visit and you should beware! By the way, I
love America!
SAMURAI CHARACTER
And I am here to be a representative of the traditional
Japanese person. By the way, I love Japan!
HIGH OFFICIAL GUY
FISHERMAN CHARACTER, you are being killed for leaving Japan
and then coming back. And SAMURAI CHARACTER, you are also
being punished for some irrelevant reason. Therefore Samurai
character, you will be in charge of telling the Americans to
go home because, and remember this,
(looks at audience)
Non-Japanese CANNOT SET FOOT on Japanese Soil.
The literalness of this will be DRIVEN
INTO THE GROUND.
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Don't kill FISHERMAN CHARACTER, let me take him along with
me!
HIGH OFFICIAL GUY
Oh, so he can help you learn how to deal with the Americans
when you go to speak to them?
SAMURAI CHARACTER
No; because a pro-Japan character and a pro-American
character can create some wonderful tension!
DIRECTOR AMON MIYAMOTO
Whoa whoa whoa. None of that overrated "tension" stuff.
Wong!
B.D. WONG
(entering)
Yeah?
DIRECTOR AMON MIYAMOTO
Get onstage, would you? Say one of those nice haikus.
B.D. WONG
Okay.
(smilingly)
The John Weidman libretto
Not knowing where it goes
Sleep, like audience during end of first act.
SCENE: SAMURAI CHARACTER'S HOUSE
SAMURAI CHARACTER
I am going to leave to speak with the Americans.
SAMURAI CHARACTER'S WIFE
I am going to kill myself.
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Fair enough.
SCENE: OUTDOORS JAPAN.
B.D. WONG
And so, the Americans did come. And
(still smiling for no reason)
the Japanese were scared shitless of them!
JAPANESE GUY
Look at Commodore Perry's warships! They look like BLACK
DRAGONS and... Hey... Rumi, where are they?
SET DESIGNER RUMI MATSUI
Oh crap... I forgot to recreate a Boris Aronson's Tony Award
winning visualization of Commodore Perry's fleet. You guys
are going to have to do what they did in "Titanic: The
Musical".
JAPANESE GUY
Sigh... fine.
(points aimlessly at the air)
Oh no! Those warships are scary! The ones there... off in
the direction of the audience! And you'll have to... JUST
FRICKING IMAGINE how STUNNINGLY FRIGHTENING they would have
been!
A song about this continues for
entirely too long.
B.D. WONG
(Crest-white smile)
And everybody panicked and tried to run away!
A family enters.
A GRANDMOTHER
(humorously)
Help! I am very fat and can't walk! Carry me, son-in-law!
A FATHER
Oh, all right.
More cheaply-funny stuff happens,
causing the drama to still not take off
even though we are a HALF AN HOUR into
the play.
JAPANESE PEOPLE
Oh no, America has arrived!
Above the audience members's heads in
the mezzanine, a giant American Flag
rushes toward the stage and covers the
ceiling. This represents the coming of
America and shows the engulfing of--
AUDIENCE SITTING
IN MEZZANINE
Whoa, why the hell is it so hot here all of a sudden?
B.D. WONG
A ventilation system,
Blocked by giant American Flag
Work as well as this Haiku plot device.
Audience BAKES.
AUDIENCE SITTING IN
ORCHESTRA
(standing and pointing at
mezzanine)
Ha ha, sucks to be you!
(sits back down in their
uncomfortable Studio 54
tables and chairs)
Enter Japanese actors wearing masks.
BIG-NOSED RASTAFARIANS
We represent Americans, with crazy hair and crazy noses! We
have come across this silly looking eighteen-inch drawbridge
on the front of the stage so we can tell you that you must
let us land!
SAMURAI CHARACTER
This is your big chance to shine, Fisherman-character-who
knows-how-to-deal-with-Americans.
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
You cannot SET FOOT on our SOIL, because you are NOT
JAPANESE.
BIG-NOSED RASTAFARIANS
We will still land. And your Shogun must receive Commodore
Perry's letter.
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Well crap.
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Look! We've finally discovered the dramatic device of
CONFLICT!
SCENE: ANOTHER PALACE OF SOME SORT
B.D. WONG
Lookame! I'm dressed as the Shogun, one of the many
characters we never introduced!
A MALE ACTOR
And I play the Shogun's mother, yet *another* bit character
that will be in one scene and then never reused! Also, I am
played by a male actor, which follows the Japanese tradition!
A FEMALE ACTRESS
And I play the shogun's wife although I am female, which
totally destroys our keeping-with-the-Japanese-tradition.
Now watch me humorously throw origami into the air,
distracting you from the fact that the show still doesn't
feel like it's headed anywhere!
She DOES.
A MALE ACTOR
(AS SHOGUN'S MOTHER)
Now Shogun, America is still in the harbor waiting! Show
some presence!
B.D. WONG
Me, B.D. Wong, actually show presence? Why start now?
Via song, the Shogun's mother concludes
that the Americans might leave if there
is no Shogun to receive the letter, and
she then poisons him.
This song lasts SEVEN AND A HALF
MINUTES.
PACING
Whoops! I stumbled and fell face-first, breaking both of my
ankles and cracking my head wide open until my blood seeps
through the streets and into the sewer systems, feeding the
rats of generations to come!
SCENE: YET ANOTHER PALACE (WHICH VERY WELL MIGHT BE THE FIRST
SCENE'S PALACE MAKING A SECOND APPEARANCE [WHICH IS A FATE
MORE THAN CAN BE SAID FOR THE CHARACTERS THAT WERE DWELLED
UPON FOR THE PAST SEVEN AND A HALF MINUTES])
SAMURAI CHARACTER
The fisherman and I have an idea. We'll lay mats on the
shore so that the Americans can come aboard without SETTING
FOOT on our SOIL!
HIGH OFFICIAL GUY
That's so lame.
(pause)
We'll do it.
SCENE: A SERIES OF GEOMETRIC RECTANGLES PRODUCED BY LIGHTING
B.D. WONG
(teeth sparkle)
And so the Fisherman walked back to the Samurai's house with
him to see his "the-play-forgot-about-her" wife, and together
they decided to compose poetry along the way.
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Rain, haze, moon, wind...
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Nightingale, Dawn, leaves, sun...
SAMURAI CHARACTER (CONT'D)
Tar, iodine...
FISHERMAN CHARACTER (CONT'D)
Sodium Diglyceride...
SAMURAI CHARACTER (ETC)
Sedimentary rock...
THE LIGHTING
I'm more interesting than the song!
SCENE: SAMURAI'S HOUSE
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Honey, I'm home! What's for dinner?
SAMURAI CHARACTER'S WIFE
(is dead)
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Oh, right.
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Wait, why is she dead?
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Because if I would have failed to turn the Americans away-
which seemed likely--I would be disgraced and surely killed.
And then after my death, she would have had to kill herself
too for honor. Isn't it blatantly obvious?
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Um... no.
SCENE: THE 1970S.
COMPOSER/LYRICIST
STEPHEN SONDHEIM
Well, I dunno. What else should we write about Japan?
JOHN WEIDMAN
How about you write a song about Japanese Prostitutes? Japan
*does* have whores... Right?
COMPOSER/LYRICIST
STEPHEN SONDHEIM
This method of "choose random aspects of Japanese life, write
some nice songs about them, and jimmy them into the plot" is
fun!
SCENE: SHORES OF KANAGAWA.
MADAM
Hi I'm a played-by-a-male Madam! In keeping with the ancient
Japanese tradition of being inconsistent, I run a business of
four prostitutes which are played by three female actresses
and one male actor.
(sings about whoring)
Japanese and American ambassadors walk
into the TREATY HOUSE to have
discussions.
Of course, they don't walk on any
aforementioned FLOOR MATS because why
SHOW when you have decided to TELL?
B.D. WONG
Remember me? I'm still the narrator!
(smiling on Nitrous Oxide)
Let's move disjointedly from that last tepid number to the
next! Now I bet you want to know all about what happened in
the treaty house. But nobody knows!
Enter an OLD MAN character who, again,
won't re-appear after the one scene
he's in.
OLD MAN
I was there! I know what happened! I was a young boy then,
and I saw the people moving around from a tree above!
SOME GUY UNDER
THE FLOORBOARDS
I was also there, and I heard people discussing things!
OLD MAN AND
GUY UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS
And because we were there even though we really don't know
what happened, that's what makes the historic moment so
special!
AUDIENCE
Wait a second... So you're not going to tell us what
happened?
B.D. WONG
Well, you see, the effects of the uncertainty of history
ripple down through the ages when the inability to...
AUDIENCE
Never mind. It's not like you've shown us what's happened
the rest of the show anyway.
The Americans leave Japan the burning
of the mats and treaty house is
mentioned, but does not happen in front
of us. This keeps with what might
actually be an ancient *Japanese* "tell
don't show" tradition.
B.D. WONG
And so America left, and a Lion Dance definitely did not
occur in this production.
SCENE: OUTDOORS JAPAN.
HIGH OFFICIAL GUY
Remember me? It turns out that I'm actually a main character
and not a bit part! Who'd've thunk it?
GUY REPRESENTING AMERICA
(singing in an American
Marching Band tune)
AMERICA IS HERE TO BEGIN TRADING WITH JAPAN...
GUY REPRESENTING BRITAIN
(to a Gilbert and Sullivan
tune)
SO IS BRITAIN, AND WE ACT BRISKLY...
GUY REPRESENTING THE DUTCH
(to a dutch clog-dance)
SO ARE THE DUTCH, AND ACT GAY-ISH...
GUY REPRESENTING RUSSIA
(to a Tchaikovsky tune)
SO IS RUSSIA, AND WE ACT GRUFF...
GUY REPRESENTING FRANCE
(to a Offenbach tune)
AND SO IS FRANCE, AND WE ARE FRENCH!
They continue to humorously sing their
desires in the new internationalization
of Japan, actually MOVING ALONG PLOT
and BRINGING HISTORY TO LIFE!
SCENE: SPLIT SCREEN
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Boy, I used to love Japan. But now I love America! And as I
put on a BOWLER HAT and POCKET WATCH and SUIT AND TIE and
MONOCLE, see how I have become more and more westernized, bit
by bit!
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Boy, I used to love America. But now, I love Japan! And bit
by bit, as I learn to dress like an ancient Samurai, DON'T
see how I have become more JAPANESE, because nobody ever
shines a spotlight on me!
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Well that totally misses the idea of contrasting our
diverging ideologies. A shame for the two proper characters
of the play.
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Wait, are you sure? Are you and I are proper characters or
stylized archetypes? Amon?
DIRECTOR AMON MIYAMOTO
"Proper character"? "Stylized archetype"? You crazy
Americans and your newfangled theatrical ideas!
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Sigh.
SCENE: A GARDEN
BRITISH SOLDIER
Look, it's one of those Geisha girls.
OTHER BRITISH SOLDIER
(climbing over)
Let's climb over the fence and have a look.
Suddenly, the lights go off and the set
rotates around 180 degrees and the
scene restarts again.
BRITISH SOLDIER
Look, it's one of those Geisha girls.
OTHER BRITISH SOLDIER
(climbing over)
Let's climb over the fence and have a look.
Suddenly, the lights go off and the set
rotates around 264 degrees and the
scene restarts again.
BRITISH SOLDIER
Look, it's one of those Geisha girls.
OTHER BRITISH SOLDIER
(climbing over)
Let's climb over the fence and have a look.
Suddenly, the lights go...
Yeah. And for NO APPARENT REASON!
BRITISH SOLDIERS
(singing, mistaking the young
girl for a prostitute)
PRETTY LADY, WON'T YOU SEX ME UP?
They continue to sing this sweet,
beautiful song which is actually about
how they want to pay the girl for sex.
The tone is strange and incongruous to
the musical as a whole, which makes
this one fit just perfectly.
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
(entering in Samurai Costume)
You will die, Japanese Actors dressed like British Soldiers!
(kills them)
HIGH OFFICIAL GUY
(entering)
I was just walking by to see--AAAGH!
(dies by Fisherman Character's
sword)
SAMURAI CHARACTER
(entering, in suit and tie)
Hey! I thought you hated Japan! And now you're dressed
like a SAMURAI?
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Hey! I thought you hated America! And now you're dressed
like a CORPORATE WHORE?
SAMURAI CHARACTER
At least my character had motivation shown for why I made the
switch!
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
Yeah, well.
(murders)
SAMURAI CHARACTER
Figures.
(dies)
SCENE: EMPEROR'S PALACE.
FISHERMAN CHARACTER
We must do something about all of the Americanization of
Japan!
B.D. WONG
(dressed like Shogun)
We will! We will turn back on old ways and totally modernize
Japan to be a competitor to the European nations! FAST
FORWARD TO TODAY IN A FORCED ATTEMPT AT AN EPILOGUE!
The rest of the cast comes out dressed
like Japanese Soldiers.
REST OF CAST
(singing)
WHO'S THE STRONGER WHO'S THE FASTER?
LET THE PUPIL SHOW THE MASTER,
NEXT! NEXT!
Admiral Perry enters. A giant
explosion goes off and the set breaks
down, representing the World War Two
Atom bomb being dropped.
THE PRODUCTION
Wow! We took a stand on something!
The cast begins to rise, ripping off
their outer layers of clothing as the
lighting becomes STAR SEARCH.
REST OF CAST
(dancing disco)
NEXT! NEXT!
A CAST MEMBER
The #1 car in randomly-chosen city DETROIT is Camry, a
Japanese car!
AUDIENCE
Oh.. so we *shouldn't* feel so bad for Japan being
Westernized...
A CAST MEMBER
Sony is the #1 Brand Name, and a lot of people like Hideki
Matsui!
AUDIENCE
Well then! That's true! *I* like Hideki Matsui!
A CAST MEMBER
In 1991, Japanese Businessmen bought out the entire Empire
State Building, moved it to Japan, and rebuilt a crappier one
in its place without anybody noticing!
Cast members continue to say lines that
are more conciliatory (unlike the
original production's allusions to
social ills like pollution). This of
course entirely AVOIDS the RELEVANT
issue of Iraq's Westernization.
AUDIENCE
So I guess the lesson I was supposed to learn was that the
Westernization of Japan was a *good* thing! Well, that was a
nice feel-good ending!
Audience stands up from their seats,
feeling good about America having
destroyed culture.
B.D. WONG
But don't you see? During the last song I was *sad* about
the westernization's efffects. SAD!
AUDIENCE
Nope. Your character got lost in the shuffle long ago.
DIRECTOR AMON MIYAMOTO
He did? But he's the only true character in the play that
you connect to!
AUDIENCE
This play has characters that you can connect to?
BLACKOUT.
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