The Light In The Piazza: Abridged

                           THE LACK OF PLOT IN THE PIAZZA
                   A "Light in the Piazza" Broadway Abridged Script
                                                            By Gil Varod






            SCENE: THE VIVIAN BEAUMONT THEATRE


                                   The set is painted in an exquisite and
                                   lively re-creation of the Piazza Della
                                   Republica in Florence, Italy.


                                   SET DESIGNER MICHAEL YEARGAN
            I am totally awesome.


                                   THE PLOT
            I am totally not.


                                   Enter VICTORIA CLARK, playing the
                                   mother of KELLI O'HARA.


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            Well Kelli, it's great to be here on vacation with you in
            Italy where YOUR FATHER AND I HAD TRAVELLED and SOMETHING
            HAPPENED. 
                          (smiles)
            I will occasionally MENTION THIS over the course of the play
            although I have NO INTENTION of ever letting anybody actually
            know what happened between your fath--


                                   KELLI O'HARA
                          (singing silly lyrics to
                           gorgeous music)
            WE'RE ON VACATION!
            WE'RE ON VACATION!


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            We have these ridiculous southern accents that we slip out of
            every time we sing; I think it's clear to the audience that
            we're on vacation.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Oh.  Well I thought the audience would need it clarified.


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            You know what they might want clarified: what age are you?


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Suspension of belief in theatre means that I could be playing
            a different age than I am.  But the answer to both seems to
            be anywhere between 20 and 26.  Howcome?


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            Don't worry about it.  Let me just ATTACH THIS FISHING LINE
            to the top of your hat so that the hat can hover off of your
            head!


                                   It DOES.


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
                          (catching hat, actually
                           speaking in Italian:)
            Yours?


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Yes... It just sort of hovered off of my head!


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
            No, it was wind.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Looked less like WIND and more like CRAP.


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
            Oh... um... I have POOR ENGLISH.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            That's okay.  Let's just be absurdly ALL ABOUT marrying each
            other, being so blatant about it as if to purposely avoid
            DRMATIC TENSION!


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
                          (in english)
            Then you shall come visit me in my father's shop.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Even though you're not learning any words or ANYTHING, your
            English is somehow getting BETTER and BETTER!


                                   It IS.






            SCENE: THE UFRIZI ART MUSEUM.


                                   An old guy in the cast walks around,
                                   just as background scenery with no
                                   lines.


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            Look.  There is art.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Yes, there is.


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
                          (enters)
            Come visit me in my father's shop.
                          (leaves)


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            See?  Your English is getting BETTER and BETTER!






            SCENE: ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER'S SHOP.


                                   That old guy in the cast still walks
                                   around, not seeming to do anything.


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
                          (says something in Italian to
                           Father)


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
                          (responds back entirely in
                           Italian)


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S BROTHER
                          (interjects something in
                           Italian)


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
                          (agrees.  In Italian.)


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (doesn't know Italian, feels
                           alienated)


                                   BOOKWRITER CRAIG LUCAS
            ...what, nobody PREPARES for the theatre anymore?


                                   SONGWRITER ADAM GUETTEL
            Hey Craig, you know what else was cool when I vacationed in
            Florence?  The Duomo.  Can we force a scene there?


                                   SET DESIGNER MICHAEL YEARGAN
            If it means I get to do another awesome set to add some more
            life into this show, then YES WE CAN!


                                        CONTINUED LACK OF SUBTITLES TO:






            SCENE: THE DUOMO.


                                   The old guy still walks around,
                                   arousing false suspicion that he may be
                                   some "mystical character" or "an
                                   important part of the story" or even a
                                   "character with lines".


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            Look.  There is duomo stuff.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Yes, there is.


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
                          (enters)
            Come visit me in my father's shop.
                          (leaves)


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            See?  Your English is getting BETTER and BETTER!  
            ...Fricking again!






            SCENE: HOUSE OF ITALIAN BOY.


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
            I'm the Italian Boy's Father, and this is his mother who DOES
            NOT SPEAK ENGLISH.  And even though they have only known each
            other for 3 hours, I am entirely pro his bound-to-end-in
            marriage status with Kelli.


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            And even though her wanting to marry a foreign man she's
            known for three hours is QUESTIONABLE, I will entirely ignore
            this.  Instead I will point out that KELLI is a little bit
            IMMATURE for marriage, and that's my only objection.  
                          (to audience)
            I may or may not have a secret that I will reveal later in
            the show.  The key words here are MAY OR MAY NOT.


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
            Well that's good.  Let's awkwardly flirt a bit, and THEN
            mention that you still have a husband.


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S BROTHER
            You forgot to mention ME, your OTHER SON, who you will always
            refer to as the "lesser son" until the joke is DRIVEN INTO
            THE GROUND.


                                   THE LESSER SON'S WIFE
            I'm his wife, and he cheated on me once.  Kelli, you should
            know: men cheat.
                          (sings a bitter song about this
                           for five minutes)


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Oh no, I am sad.


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
            Don't be.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Okay!  I am not!






            SCENE: HOTEL ROOM.


                                   VICTORIA'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
            Victoria?  I'm on the other side of the stage, pretending I'm
            talking on the phone and using the OVERSEAS DELAY as an
            excuse for us stepping on each other's lines.


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
                          (being a BITTER BITCH)
            I just called to say that our marriage isn't working, and to
            reiterate that you and I both were ONCE IN FLORENCE.


                                   VICTORIA'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
            You spend too much on long distance.






            SCENE: THE PIAZZA AT MIDNIGHT.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            I'm supposed to meet the Italian Boy somewhere here; where is
            he?


                                   Lots of people (dressed in black)
                                   circle around Kelli, actually trying to
                                   help her from being lost.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Oh no, they're dressed in black and I'm afraid!
                          (to audience)
            See?  This proves how SCREWED UP and EMOTIONAL I AM!


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
                          (rescuing her)
            Actually, to think about it, who the hell WOULDN'T be afraid? 
            Florence is damn scary at night.


                                   OLD GUY WHO KINDA KEEPS
                                   SHOWING UP IN THE BACKGROUND
            What about me?  I'm not scary!  I'm just obligatorily OLD! 
            This shows that FLORENCE... uh... has OLD PEOPLE!






            SCENE: HOTEL ROOM.


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
            Kelli, I have something to tell you.  I bet you won't guess
            what it is.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Gee, I wonder if it's a marriage proposal.


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
            Actually no, it's... wait... yeah, that's what it is.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            The answer is yes!  
                          (pause)
            Oh right.  And the English with the getting better.


                                   Italian Romantic Lead Boy removes his
                                   shirt, and a SOFTCORE PORN COMMENCES.






            SCENE: ROME.


                                   A bunch of really, really awful-looking
                                   Nun-costumes cross the stage for no
                                   apparent reason.


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            Kelli, why couldn't you just let your thing with the Italian
            Boy be just a tawdry fling, and be like normal American
            Girls?


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            But we have loved each other deeply, fully and truly since
            we've first met!


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            Well because you're too young (and NOT because he's a
            foreigner you barely know), you can't marry the Italian boy. 


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            But mother...
                          (sings a song)


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            You sang a song?  Okay; I changed my mind!






            SCENE: HOUSE OF ITALIAN BOY.


                                   EVERYBODY
            AYUTAME!  AYUTAME!


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S MOTHER
            Even though I don't speak English, I have decided to break
            the fourth wall and--in a perfect upper class British accent-
            explain that "Ayutame" means "help me".  How nice of us to
            ACTUALLY EXPLAIN SOME OF THE ITALIAN IN THIS PLAY!


                                   The family dances like a Latin dance
                                   video.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
                          (entering)
            I've come back!


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S BROTHER
            See?  Kelli came back; you should come back to me!


                                   THE LESSER SON'S WIFE
            No, I still continue hate you, husband!

                                   She kisses Italian Boy to make her
                                   husband jealous.  Kelli O'Hara observes
                                   this and gets angry.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            No, now I am angry!
                          (acts insanely angry, destroys
                           things)
            See?  This proves how SCREWED UP and EMOTIONAL I AM!


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
                          (rescuing her)
            Actually, to think about it, who WOULDN'T respond like that?


                                   Enter the BROADWAY ABRIDGED SPOILER
                                   GUY.


                                   BROADWAY ABRIDGED 
                                   SPOILER GUY
            Hey...


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            You wouldn't respond like that?


                                   BROADWAY ABRIDGED 
                                   SPOILER GUY
            Huh?  Oh... Sorry, I missed the question.  I'm just here
            to...


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            You're here to tell people to stop reading in case they
            haven't seen the play yet and want to not be clued in on the
            plot twist?


                                   BROADWAY ABRIDGED 
                                   SPOILER GUY
            Huh?  Oh yeah... I guess that too.  I actually mostly showed
            up just to let you guys know I'm leaving early tonight.  They
            obviously get married at the end.  Big whoop.
                          (leaves)






            SCENE: THE DUOMO.


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
            So PLOT TWIST, it turns out that Kelli is 6 years older than
            I thought she was?!?


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            Well, she fell off of a horse once and matures slower, so her
            being developmentally challenged is why she comes off as
            being 20 but is really 26.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Wait, I come off as being 20?


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
                          (after a poorly-done 
                           suicide joke)
            She's too old; the wedding is off!


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            Let's take a walk.


                                   They DO.  Nothing happens.


                                   ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER
            Taking a silent walk has convinced me to LET THEM MARRY!






            SCENE: HOTEL ROOM.


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            They want to get married.


                                   VICTORIA'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
            No.


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            Well I say yes.  Also, I'm gonna cheat on you.


                                   VICTORIA'S HUSBAND CHARACTER
            Why do you even *call* me?






            SCENE: THE DUOMO.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            We can't get married!  Something feels NOT RIGHT!


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
            You're wrong.


                                   KELLI O'HARA
            Oh!
                          (marries)


                                   ITALIAN ROMANTIC LEAD BOY
            Told you so.
                          (marries)


                                   VICTORIA CLARK
            See them getting married?  It reminds me that...
                          (singing, again to beautiful
                           music)
            LOVE IS FAKE...
            OR LOVE IS REAL...
            BUT LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS...
            EVEN THOUGH THE LOVE BETWEEN MY HUSBAND AND I IS GONE...
            AND THE LOVE BETWEEN THE LESSER SON AND HIS WIFE IS GONE...
            AND THE LOVE BETWEEN THE ITALIAN BOY'S FATHER AND HIS WIFE
            IS GONE...	
                          (pause)
            BUT THE LOVE BETWEEN KELLI O'HARA AND THE ITALIAN BOY IS HERE
            TO STAY...
            WHICH GOES TO PROVE...
            THAT LOVE ONLY WORKS FOR DEVELOPMENTALLY CHALLENGED PEOPLE!
                          (making out with 
                           Italian Boy's Father:)
            LOVE... TO... ME!!!!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Wait... What the hell?


                                        BLACKOUT.

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