ROAD SHOW ABRIDGED
OR
BOUNCE ABRIDGED
OR
GOLD ABRIDGED
OR
WISE GUYS ABRIDGED
OR
WHEN YOU'VE GONE THROUGH THIS MANY TITLE CHANGES
IT MIGHT BE A SIGN THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
EVEN IF YOU'RE STEPHEN SONDHEIM AND JOHN WEIDMAN
An exercise in catharsis from "Broadway Abridged"
By Gil Varod
SCENE: LET'S FIND EVERYBODY'S OLD COLLEGE DORMROOM DRESSERS,
AND PILE THEM UP UPON EACH OTHER LIKE IT'S LES MIS. THAT CAN
BE CONSIDERED A SET, RIGHT?
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
AAAAGH! Here I am, in bed, and I'm being haunted by all the
people throughout my life--all four of them! This must be a
prologue!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(scanning over his "FRINGE"
paychecks)
It must! Let's flashback to when we were maybe children,
maybe not. Standing on our knees will confuse this, won't it
father?
FATHER
Yes, sons. Now listen to me: I'm dying. And in giving you
both my final words, Bookwriter John Weidman is hoping to take
the theme and plot of this musical and put it up at the top
of the show so you know what we're setting up.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
We'd best pay attention to what your final wish is!
FATHER
Both of you, you must...
(dying)
Make sure you...
(dying more)
FIND YOUR PATH IN LIFE!
(dies)
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
That was... vague...
MOTHER
Well now we're poor. Why don't you two go chase the gold
rush?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Aren't we a little young for that?
MOTHER
Stand up.
They DO.
MOTHER
Now you're not.
The lighting changes from HEAVY
EMPHASIS ON THE BORING WOOD COLORS to
OH SO SLIGHTLY LESS EMPHASIS ON BORING
WOOD COLORS.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
We want money, but oh it is cold!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Yes, let's discuss it being cold some! Also, regarding
money,
(he throws some Money up in the
air, just in case you don't
know what Money is)
I took your plot for the land you found gold in, and traded
it in for a lesser amount of cash.
Which apparently bought me this very silly wig as well.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Then YOU must be the evil brother and I must be the good
brother! I'm going to take that money and tour the world so
I can invest it in something so MOTHER has money!
He goes to CHINA, throws money up in
the air, and there's a joke about him
buying Chinese Souvenirs.
He goes to JAPAN, throws money up in
the air, and there's a joke about him
buying Japanese Souvenirs.
He goes to GREECE, throws money up in
the air, and there's a joke about him
buying Greek Souvenirs.
He goes to ARABIA, throws money up in
the air, and there's a joke about him
buying Arabian Souvenirs.
He goes to MEXICO, throws money up in
the air, and there's
BASICALLY THE SAME STUPID JOKE.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Holy crap Stephen Sondheim, how the hell did you forget basic
rules of comedy?
MOTHER
Alexander, howcome you don't visit me anymore while Michael
takes care of me? That's sort of evil-ish of you.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
I thought *I* was the bad brother.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Oh. Then am I also bad? Or are you more bad?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
You seem like a really, really nice guy.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
I do. I wonder where the disconnect is. It could be lazy
acting? Definitely some lazy playwriting, of course.
DIRECTOR JOHN DOYLE
(armed with flutes and
piccolos and whatnot)
Or lazy directing!
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
John, why are you volunteering this?
DIRECTOR JOHN DOYLE
If it'll give me a reputation for being able to do something
other than my "actors also playing musical instruments" shtick,
then I'll take credit for anything!
MOTHER
Oh no Michael Cerveris, you're going CRAZZZYYY!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(just generally not making any
sense)
Why don't I sing yet another song that sounds like an
overextended vamp version of "Everybody's Got The Right To Be
Happy" from Assassins.
This one is about how I become really successful in New York.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Doing what?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Being generally awesome? And apparently I write a play or
something? Boy, this will become really confusing when I
later insist that I have zero talent or abilities.
(snorts cocaine)
I AM SNORTING COCAINE! I MUST BE THE EVIL BROTHER!
MOTHER
A parent hasn't died in almost a half an hour.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
So?
MOTHER
(dies)
MICHAEL CERVERIS
I'm home from being a negligent son all these days or months
or years!
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Mother's asleep. Give her a kiss good morning.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Okay.
He does, and also HUMPS HER?!?!?!?
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
HA HA I GOT YOU SHE'S DEAD! But still I'm the nicer brother.
Again, possibly lazy acting.
DIRECTOR JOHN DOYLE
Or directing! PLEASE pay attention to me!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
I thought she's laying in bed onstage as a representational
thing.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
No, apparently she LITERALLY died a minute before you walked
into the door. Convenient, eh?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
So then who're all these people who are sitting on those
wardrobes and wooden boxes all over the stage, watching us?
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
They're the chorus. They're sort of Greek, but they just sit
onstage.
Almost as if they aren't holding musical instruments that they
ought to be playing.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Is their lack of musical instruments why they look so incredibly
BORED?
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
No, they look painfully bored because they're watching
Stephen Sondheim and John Weidman's Road Show.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Hold on, I need to rearrange the drawers on this boring and
depressing set for some reason.
He does. It's awfully confusing and
unnecessary.
Oh, has it been mentioned yet that the
set is absolutely terrible? Just...
dreadful. You become mildly suicidal
just looking at it.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
While you do that, I'm going to Florida. Maybe there I'll
figure out what the hell this musical is about.
FATHER
(as a ghost)
But ALEXANDER--
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
(unnecessarily angry)
I AM TIRED OF YOU HAUNTING ME, FATHER! EVEN THOUGH THIS IS
THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME YOU DID IT!
He gets on a train.
YOUNG BOY
Hi there. I'm here to bring a sorely-needed plot point.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
An intermission?
YOUNG BOY
Ha ha... NO. I'm here to help you find rich people whose
houses you can design. Also, something something I want to
create an artist community.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Then I shall design houses!
He DOES.
And also, he throws money in the air
for the bajillionth time, just in case
you weren't tired of this stupid device
yet.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
(snorts cocaine)
YOUNG BOY
Wait, you're snorting cocaine, doesn't that make you evil?
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Am I? But I'm kind of a nice guy. Also, you've CHANGED MY
LIFE.
YOUNG BOY
And you have CHANGED MY LIFE.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
And you have CHANGED MY LIFE.
YOUNG BOY
Are we gay?
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Well...
DIRECTOR JOHN DOYLE
(interrupting)
DON'T make that clear. Let's awkwardly hint at it forever.
BOOKWRITER JOHN WEIDMAN
Can we hint at it via unforgettable song?
COMPOSER/LYRICIST STEPHEN SONDHEIM
(sigh)
Unfortunately.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
(snorting evil cocaine again)
ALEXANDER! I want to help you and the young boy build BOCA
RATON!
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
No. Having you help is a terrible idea. You snort EVIL
COCAINE!
(snorts cocaine)
YOUNG BOY
No, I think we should let your brother help us build BOCA
RATON, Alexander.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.
They BUILD BOCA RATON.
And THROW MONEY.
Up in the AIR, even.
Then they lose money because Michael
Cerveris lied to people about... buried
treasure being on the land?? Or something
else so absurd, one has to hopefully
assume this must've been taken from
real life.
YOUNG BOY
Alexander, your brother screwed everything up! YOU SHOULD
HAVE WARNED ME!
(leaves)
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
But I...
(to Michael)
Get out!
MICHAEL CERVERIS
You don't want me to go.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
(this line of dialogue
basically happened in the real
play, and confused me to no
end:)
You're right, I don't want you to go! So get out!
Alexander Gemignani dies here.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Now I'm apparently going to Hollywood to write scripts or who
knows what. Sounds interesting, right? Well:
And this is where Michael Cerveris
dies.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
(again, basically a lift on a
real line from the musical:)
Well Michael, we're dead now.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
And it's the end of the play. This might be a good place for
us to finally have it out.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
No, no need to fight when it's obvious that there wasn't
really anything for us to fight about.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
You'd sort of need a story or plot in order to fight about
something.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Weren't we supposed to have a female love interest or
something in this show? We could fight about her.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
No, they cut that out from the last version.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Oh.
Awkward silence.
The chorus sits onstage, looking like
they need a nap.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
Hey, it's a good thing that Stephen Sondheim is working on a
musical version of Groundhog day. Wouldn't want this to
really be the last musical he worked on, would we.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Actually, as Stephen Sondheim himself said to Broadway Abridged
author Gil Varod in a chatroom on Tuesday, May 5, 2008,
"Groundhog Day is, in my opinion, a first-rate movie and it
lends itself so clearly to musical treatment. I'm not the
first person who's thought of it. Many have. But, I feel to
make a musical of Groundhog Day would be to gild the lily. It
cannot be improved; it's perfect the way it is. I don't want
to touch it, because it's perfect. Pretentious as that
sounds."
MICHAEL CERVERIS
So... this is really it.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Yeah.
MICHAEL CERVERIS
That's sad.
ALEXANDER GEMIGNANI
Wanna go rent Sweeney Todd?
MICHAEL CERVERIS
DO I?????
BOTH OF THEM
YAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLACKOUT.
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