Rock Of Ages: Abridged

                                ROCK OF AGES ABRIDGED
                                         OR
                                    IT'S NO TOMMY
                            A "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                                            By Gil Varod






            SCENE: LA'S SUNSET STRIP, LATE 1980S.


                                   Enter what basically looks like JACK
                                   BLACK, if he would listen to the
                                   dietary advice his doctor gives him.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            Welcome to ROCK OF AGES!


                                   NEW YORK TIMES REVIEWER   
                                   BEN BRANTLEY
            Who is Jack Black?


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
                          (ignoring)
            We're not like those "other" stupid musicals that break out
            awkwardly into song, and have silly finales, and cheesy love
            stories.  No, this is a musical FOR YOU.  And we're about to
            go on a JOURNEY--
                          (winks)
            --to the GREATEST time ever, the 1980s!


                                   Ba-ba-ba-BIG HAIR GUITAR SOLO!


                                   (By a SEBASTIAN BACK lookalike who never
                                   suspected that THE PIT OF A BROADWAY
                                   ORCHESTRA would be where his rock career
                                   peaked.)


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            So order the overpriced beer that is actually delivered to
            your seats by waitresses--one sixpack minimum per customer!-
            as you watch the show that asks the question, 
            "What if Spamalot Men and Mamma Mia Women could actually go
            to a musical TOGETHER?"


                                   GENIUS ROCK OF AGES
                                   PRODUCERS
                          (take baths in Evian water)


                                   We watch actors sway back and forth
                                   intensely in front of an INCREDIBLY
                                   UNDER-USED AND GRATUITOUS projection
                                   screen.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST 
            And in order to help us with this story, let's get out SECOND
            PLACE FINALIST for American Idol, CONSTANTINE MAROULIS!


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Um... I didn't get second place.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            THIRD PLACE FINA--


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            I was sixth place.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            And you're above the title?


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Don't start.  I was with you at that Tenacious D concert when
            you bought the T-Shirt you're wearing.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
                          (switches from one ridiculous T-
                           shirt to the next)
            Look at how I lift up one eyebrow!


                                   Enter Amy Spanger.


                                   BRIGHT-EYED, VIRGINAL, DITZY        
                                   AMY SPANGER
            Hello, I'm here in LA for the first time.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            I'm also here in LA, to become a Rock God!


                                   STRONGLY-DETERMINED      
                                   AMY SPANGER
            And I'm here to become an actress!  Constantine, you need to
            do what's in your HEART.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Did your character just switch from ditzy to sensible in a
            single line of dialogue?


                                   LOVE-STRICKEN             
                                   AMY SPANGER
            I don't know what you're talking about.
                          (sighs dreamily at Constantine)


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Hey OWNER OF THE BAR I WORK AT, can we hire her?


                                   GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
            Only until we get shut down, because GERMAN GUYS ARE TAKING
            IT OVER!


                                   GERMAN GUYS
            Yes, we are!  We are stereotypical, and hate Rock Music just
            like the musical FOOTLOOSE!


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST 
                          (interrupting)
            Except for that we're better than stupid musicals!


                                   LAUREN MOLINA
                          (entering)
            Well I'm going to protest the GERMAN GUYS who are TAKING
            OVER!  I'll accomplish this by being as repetitively annoying
            as most REAL-LIFE protesters.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            See, we set up all the dramatic questions up front!  
            Except, and I hate to belabor the point--we're not like
            stupid musicals:


                                   LAUREN MOLINA
                          (to audience)
            Will the Bar be Saved?


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Will I become a Rock God?


                                   BACK TO STRONGLY-DETERMINED
                                   AMY SPANGER
            Will I become a successful actress?


                                   GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE 
            Will Amy and Constantine ever get together?


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST 
            Will we ever actually sing the Def Leppard song "Rock Of
            Ages"?
                          (pauses)
            No, we won't.  
            We won't, at any point during this musical, sing the Def
            Leppard song "Rock of Ages".
            I just wanted to make that perfectly clear.






            SCENE: AUDIENCE.



                                   A couple of audience members exit to
                                   the lobby IN THE MIDDLE OF SCENE TWO in
                                   order to spend TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS on
                                   Not-Jack-Black's stupid Threadless
                                   style T-shirts.


                                   ANNOYING AS FUCK DANCER
                                   CHICK IN FRONT ROW OF
                                   MEZZANINE
                          (standing up)
            Come on everybody, stand up with me for the entire musical!


                                   ALL THE PEOPLE BEHIND HER
                                   WHO CAN'T SEE WHEN SHE
                                   STANDS UP
            Sit down and shut up!


                                   ANNOYING AS FUCK DANCER
                                   CHICK IN FRONT ROW OF
                                   MEZZANINE
                          (starts singing along)
            WHY IS NOBODY ELSE SINGING ALONG WITH ME?


                                   ALL THE PEOPLE BEHIND HER
                                   WHO CAN'T SEE WHEN SHE
                                   STANDS UP
                          (throw beer cans at the back of
                           her head)


                                   DRUNK GUY ON AISLE
                          (accidentally kicks four beer
                           cans into the aisle, watches
                           sheepishly as beer flows down
                           the mezzanine stairs)


                                   POOR 85-YEAR OLD WOMAN USHER
                          (cries)






            SCENE: MAKEOUT POINT


                                   Amy and Constantine are on a DATE.


                                   UNCONVINCINGLY-NERVOUS   

                                  AMY SPANGER
                           (actual dialogue)
             I'm actually kind of nervous.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
                          (more actual dialogue)
            Don't worry, it's cool.  I mean, look, we're JUST a couple of
            FRIENDS, right?  Looking at stars, drinking wine coolers, no
            pressure.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
                          (to audience, as Narrator)
            Man, he's going to be kicking himself later for that "friend"
            crap.  

            And frankly, you will too, because the show's ENTIRE ROMANTIC
            PLOT centers around him having nervously muttered something about
            being "just friends" this one time.


                                   SEX-CRAZED AND DEFINITELY
                                   NOT VIRGINAL AMY SPANGER
            Hey, can we play a Foreigner song?  Those turn me on for some
            reason.


                                   80'S-NOSTALGIC MALES IN
                                   AUDIENCE
                          (are happy to go to any musical
                           where a skinny white chick is
                           turned on by FOREIGNER songs.)






            SCENE: THE FINAL PERFORMANCE OF A MADE-UP BAND WITH A
            CURIOUSLY BELIEVABLE NAME.


                                   JAMES CARPINELLO
            I'm a really hysterical Axl Rose/Bret Michaels/Bon Jovi
            ripoff.  Except for I'm MUCH more of an asshole than Bon
            Jovi!


                                   REALLY-INTO-ONE-NIGHT-STANDS    
                                   AMY SPANGER
            In the last scene I was into Constantine in a very real way,
            but forget about that--
            I want to screw you in the bathroom!


                                   JAMES CARPINELLO
            Fine, but then I'm getting you fired from this place.  And
            I'll accomplish this by breaking out into a QUIET RIOT song.



                                   TERRIBLY UNRESOURCEFUL   
                                   AMY SPANGER
            Then I guess I have to become a stripper!

                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
                          (overhearing all this)
            I never want to see you again!


                                   JUST WON'T STICK TO PLAYING
                                   ONE GOD-DAMNED CHARACTER    
                                   AMY SPANGER
            Because I slept with James Carpinello?


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Because you're an idiot.  This isn't the only place in all of
            Los Angeles that has jobs that AREN'T STRIPPING.






            SCENE: STRIPPER JOINT.


                                   Constantine is angry at Amy because she
                                   slept with someone else even though
                                   they weren't exclusive, and Amy is
                                   angry at Constantine because...?


                                   Whatever.  The point is, Amy Spanger is
                                   a stripper now.


                                   Not the kind who actually strips, just
                                   the kind who says she's a stripper so
                                   we can feel obligatorily sorry for her.


                                   AMY SPANGER 
            So BLACK WOMAN, tell me, what do I need to know as a stripper
            as I awkwardly set up the next song?


                                   LARGE BLACK WOMAN      
                                   STOCK CHARACTER
                          (sings Journey's "ANY WAY YOU
                           WANT IT")


                                   AMY SPANGER
            Nowadays I now only seem to recognize that song from
            McDonalds, Heinz, Toyota and Ford commercials.  Should I be
            concerned about this?


                                        AMY IS DISCOVERED BY SOMEONE WHO
                                        IS AN ORION FILMS EXECUTIVE   
                                        (OR IS HE?  WE'LL NEVER COME BACK
                                        TO HIM AGAIN SO WHO REALLY KNOWS)
                                        AND NOW WE'RE IN...






            SCENE: LAUREN MOLINA TRIES WAY TOO HARD TO SELL "TWISTED
            SISTER" SONGS AS THINGS THAT MOVE PLOT.


                                   LAUREN MOLINA
            Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still protesting. 
            That's all.






            SCENE: THE BAR, WHICH HASN'T CLOSED DOWN YET.


                                   GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
            Constantine, you have talent, but really, you need to learn
            how to write music that LETS US IN.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Write music with from my HEART?  How ORIGINAL!


                                   GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
            OK, how about instead, let's now give up the you-writing
            better-music plotline entirely.


                                   Yeah.  That ACTUALLY HAPPENS.






            SCENE: CONSTANTINE MAROULIS GOES TO THE STRIP CLUB TO SAY
            SORRY TO AMY SPANGER FOR SOMETHING HE DID OR OTHER.


                                   The musical teases us into believing
                                   we're gonna hear Journey's "Don't Stop
                                   Believing" like five times in a row,
                                   then:


                                   JAMES CARPINELLO
            Amy Spanger, I want you to give me a lap-dance to a JOAN JETT
            song.


                                   NOW-REALLY-INTO-LAPDANCING
                                   AMY SPANGER 
            Um, odd request?


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
                          (enters)
            Amy, I just wanted to say-- OH GOD!
                          (leaves angrily)


                                   NOW-REALLY-INTO-LAPDANCING
                                   AMY SPANGER
            Did you JUST HAPPEN TO CATCH ME in the MIDDLE OF a lapdance
            with JAMES CARPINELLO?  Wow, what are the odds.


                                   JAMES CARPINELLO
            Is this seriously all STILL really happening because he
            accidentally said "let's be friends"?  Seems like poor plot
            structure.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            Plot structure is stupid!  Just like stupid musicals!


                                   JAMES CARPINELLO
            You're... you're still on that, aren't you.






            SCENE: THE BAR, WHICH STILL HASN'T CLOSED DOWN YET DUE TO A
            GERMAN FATHER/SON PLOT I *REFUSE* TO REHASH.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            Faux Jack Black, we're required to sing an REO Speedwagon
            song.


                                   GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE 
            Which songs did we get the rights to?


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            "Can't Fight This Feeling".


                                   GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
            Ha.  What else?


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
           No, there is no "what else".


                                   GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
            But that's... pretty much the worst song ever.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            Would it be digestible if we sing it as a humorous gay love
            song between two big-haired straight guys?
                          (does so)


                                  AUDIENCE
            DID I JUST ACTUALLY ENJOY A RENDITION OF THAT!?!?!?!!?






           SCENE: ENDING.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Amy, how am I going to get you back again?


                                   AMY SPANGER, PLAYING THE
                                   CHARACTER LIKE WHATEVER
                                   TELEVISION SHOW SHE HAPPENED
                                   TO WATCH LAST NIGHT
            My character's name is "Sherrie".  Can you sing "Oh Sherrie"
            by Steve Perry?


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            I can.


                                   SERVICEABLE AMY SPANGER
            Good enough for me!


                                   They kiss for the FIRST TIME ALL NIGHT.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            So that's how our story ends.  
            Constantine Maroulis and Amy Spanger finally ended up
            together!


                                   Band finally (!) breaks into "Don't
                                   Stop Believing", unintentionally
                                   driving home the point about how much
                                   better this song is than practically
                                   all of the other songs in the show.


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            And they stayed together, and Jack Black didn't sue me, so
            everything worked out great!


                                   AMY SPANGER
            And I finally achieved my dream as a prominent LA actress!


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            No... no you didn't.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Well then I became a rock-and-roll God at least, right?


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            Uh... no.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            This musical ends with us failing?


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            Those two particular sublots kind of got forgotten in Act
            Two.  But--you guys had a baby together!


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            How did we afford raising it?


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            ...you know, you both had to...
            ...work hard to make ends meet with tips, you as a waiter at
            this bar...
            ...and Amy... um...


                                   AMY SPANGER
            Did I go back to stripping?  


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            ...


                                  AMY SPANGER
            My kid grew up with a stripper Mom!?!?


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            Well, what did you guys expect?  Neither of you guys had any
            useful skills for the US job market.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            At least we had a happy marriage, working hard, LIVING ON A
            PRAYER, right?
                          (winks)


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
            Until you lost your job as a waiter when Rock fell out of
            style, causing her to leave you for a client.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Well can we at least sing LIVING ON A PRAYER?
                          (winks again)


                                   NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
                          (checking the song listing)
            Two Foreigner songs, two Journey, Two Poison, Four Twisted
            Sister... 
            TWO Pat Benatar?!?  
            Ah here we are... no, we already used up our one Bon Jovi.


                                   CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
            Man, you're a real buzzkill.


                                   ACTUAL STRAIGHT MALE
                                   AUDIENCE MEMBERS IN THE
                                   BATHROOM AFTER THE SHOW
                          (I am not making this line up)
            That was literally the best show ever.  Just, the greatest
            thing I've ever seen.


                                   OTHER TOUGH, STRAIGHT MALE
                                   AUDIENCE MEMBERS IN THE
                                   BATHROOM
                          (making it really clear that
                           they're not watching their
                           buddy next to them pee)
            Yeah.  Nothing I ever see will ever match that.  Because
            nobody will ever create music as great as that.  
            Life is all downhill from here.


                                   THEATRE GEEKS IN THE
                                   BATHROOM
            Wow, after that I'm sure about it: Musical Theatre is dead. 
            Not like the days of Sondheim and Rodgers and Hammerstein;
            nobody will ever create music as great as that.  
            Life is all downhill from here.


                                   TOUGH MANLY GUYS &   
                                   THEATRE GEEKS
                          (to each other, simultaneously)
            AND LOOK AT YOU!  YOU'RE PATHETIC!


                                   A rumble breaks out in the bathroom of
                                   the Brooks Atkinson Theatre, destroying
                                   the Men's Room.


                                   Which is kind of great, because that
                                   bathroom is FUCKING DISGUSTING.


                                        BLACKOUT.

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