ROCK OF AGES ABRIDGED
OR
IT'S NO TOMMY
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod
SCENE: LA'S SUNSET STRIP, LATE 1980S.
Enter what basically looks like JACK
BLACK, if he would listen to the
dietary advice his doctor gives him.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
Welcome to ROCK OF AGES!
NEW YORK TIMES REVIEWER
BEN BRANTLEY
Who is Jack Black?
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
(ignoring)
We're not like those "other" stupid musicals that break out
awkwardly into song, and have silly finales, and cheesy love
stories. No, this is a musical FOR YOU. And we're about to
go on a JOURNEY--
(winks)
--to the GREATEST time ever, the 1980s!
Ba-ba-ba-BIG HAIR GUITAR SOLO!
(By a SEBASTIAN BACK lookalike who never
suspected that THE PIT OF A BROADWAY
ORCHESTRA would be where his rock career
peaked.)
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
So order the overpriced beer that is actually delivered to
your seats by waitresses--one sixpack minimum per customer!-
as you watch the show that asks the question,
"What if Spamalot Men and Mamma Mia Women could actually go
to a musical TOGETHER?"
GENIUS ROCK OF AGES
PRODUCERS
(take baths in Evian water)
We watch actors sway back and forth
intensely in front of an INCREDIBLY
UNDER-USED AND GRATUITOUS projection
screen.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
And in order to help us with this story, let's get out SECOND
PLACE FINALIST for American Idol, CONSTANTINE MAROULIS!
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Um... I didn't get second place.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
THIRD PLACE FINA--
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
I was sixth place.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
And you're above the title?
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Don't start. I was with you at that Tenacious D concert when
you bought the T-Shirt you're wearing.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
(switches from one ridiculous T-
shirt to the next)
Look at how I lift up one eyebrow!
Enter Amy Spanger.
BRIGHT-EYED, VIRGINAL, DITZY
AMY SPANGER
Hello, I'm here in LA for the first time.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
I'm also here in LA, to become a Rock God!
STRONGLY-DETERMINED
AMY SPANGER
And I'm here to become an actress! Constantine, you need to
do what's in your HEART.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Did your character just switch from ditzy to sensible in a
single line of dialogue?
LOVE-STRICKEN
AMY SPANGER
I don't know what you're talking about.
(sighs dreamily at Constantine)
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Hey OWNER OF THE BAR I WORK AT, can we hire her?
GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
Only until we get shut down, because GERMAN GUYS ARE TAKING
IT OVER!
GERMAN GUYS
Yes, we are! We are stereotypical, and hate Rock Music just
like the musical FOOTLOOSE!
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
(interrupting)
Except for that we're better than stupid musicals!
LAUREN MOLINA
(entering)
Well I'm going to protest the GERMAN GUYS who are TAKING
OVER! I'll accomplish this by being as repetitively annoying
as most REAL-LIFE protesters.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
See, we set up all the dramatic questions up front!
Except, and I hate to belabor the point--we're not like
stupid musicals:
LAUREN MOLINA
(to audience)
Will the Bar be Saved?
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Will I become a Rock God?
BACK TO STRONGLY-DETERMINED
AMY SPANGER
Will I become a successful actress?
GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
Will Amy and Constantine ever get together?
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
Will we ever actually sing the Def Leppard song "Rock Of
Ages"?
(pauses)
No, we won't.
We won't, at any point during this musical, sing the Def
Leppard song "Rock of Ages".
I just wanted to make that perfectly clear.
SCENE: AUDIENCE.
A couple of audience members exit to
the lobby IN THE MIDDLE OF SCENE TWO in
order to spend TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS on
Not-Jack-Black's stupid Threadless
style T-shirts.
ANNOYING AS FUCK DANCER
CHICK IN FRONT ROW OF
MEZZANINE
(standing up)
Come on everybody, stand up with me for the entire musical!
ALL THE PEOPLE BEHIND HER
WHO CAN'T SEE WHEN SHE
STANDS UP
Sit down and shut up!
ANNOYING AS FUCK DANCER
CHICK IN FRONT ROW OF
MEZZANINE
(starts singing along)
WHY IS NOBODY ELSE SINGING ALONG WITH ME?
ALL THE PEOPLE BEHIND HER
WHO CAN'T SEE WHEN SHE
STANDS UP
(throw beer cans at the back of
her head)
DRUNK GUY ON AISLE
(accidentally kicks four beer
cans into the aisle, watches
sheepishly as beer flows down
the mezzanine stairs)
POOR 85-YEAR OLD WOMAN USHER
(cries)
SCENE: MAKEOUT POINT
Amy and Constantine are on a DATE.
UNCONVINCINGLY-NERVOUS
AMY SPANGER
(actual dialogue)
I'm actually kind of nervous.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
(more actual dialogue)
Don't worry, it's cool. I mean, look, we're JUST a couple of
FRIENDS, right? Looking at stars, drinking wine coolers, no
pressure.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
(to audience, as Narrator)
Man, he's going to be kicking himself later for that "friend"
crap.
And frankly, you will too, because the show's ENTIRE ROMANTIC
PLOT centers around him having nervously muttered something about
being "just friends" this one time.
SEX-CRAZED AND DEFINITELY
NOT VIRGINAL AMY SPANGER
Hey, can we play a Foreigner song? Those turn me on for some
reason.
80'S-NOSTALGIC MALES IN
AUDIENCE
(are happy to go to any musical
where a skinny white chick is
turned on by FOREIGNER songs.)
SCENE: THE FINAL PERFORMANCE OF A MADE-UP BAND WITH A
CURIOUSLY BELIEVABLE NAME.
JAMES CARPINELLO
I'm a really hysterical Axl Rose/Bret Michaels/Bon Jovi
ripoff. Except for I'm MUCH more of an asshole than Bon
Jovi!
REALLY-INTO-ONE-NIGHT-STANDS
AMY SPANGER
In the last scene I was into Constantine in a very real way,
but forget about that--
I want to screw you in the bathroom!
JAMES CARPINELLO
Fine, but then I'm getting you fired from this place. And
I'll accomplish this by breaking out into a QUIET RIOT song.
TERRIBLY UNRESOURCEFUL
AMY SPANGER
Then I guess I have to become a stripper!
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
(overhearing all this)
I never want to see you again!
JUST WON'T STICK TO PLAYING
ONE GOD-DAMNED CHARACTER
AMY SPANGER
Because I slept with James Carpinello?
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Because you're an idiot. This isn't the only place in all of
Los Angeles that has jobs that AREN'T STRIPPING.
SCENE: STRIPPER JOINT.
Constantine is angry at Amy because she
slept with someone else even though
they weren't exclusive, and Amy is
angry at Constantine because...?
Whatever. The point is, Amy Spanger is
a stripper now.
Not the kind who actually strips, just
the kind who says she's a stripper so
we can feel obligatorily sorry for her.
AMY SPANGER
So BLACK WOMAN, tell me, what do I need to know as a stripper
as I awkwardly set up the next song?
LARGE BLACK WOMAN
STOCK CHARACTER
(sings Journey's "ANY WAY YOU
WANT IT")
AMY SPANGER
Nowadays I now only seem to recognize that song from
McDonalds, Heinz, Toyota and Ford commercials. Should I be
concerned about this?
AMY IS DISCOVERED BY SOMEONE WHO
IS AN ORION FILMS EXECUTIVE
(OR IS HE? WE'LL NEVER COME BACK
TO HIM AGAIN SO WHO REALLY KNOWS)
AND NOW WE'RE IN...
SCENE: LAUREN MOLINA TRIES WAY TOO HARD TO SELL "TWISTED
SISTER" SONGS AS THINGS THAT MOVE PLOT.
LAUREN MOLINA
Just wanted to let everyone know that I'm still protesting.
That's all.
SCENE: THE BAR, WHICH HASN'T CLOSED DOWN YET.
GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
Constantine, you have talent, but really, you need to learn
how to write music that LETS US IN.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Write music with from my HEART? How ORIGINAL!
GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
OK, how about instead, let's now give up the you-writing
better-music plotline entirely.
Yeah. That ACTUALLY HAPPENS.
SCENE: CONSTANTINE MAROULIS GOES TO THE STRIP CLUB TO SAY
SORRY TO AMY SPANGER FOR SOMETHING HE DID OR OTHER.
The musical teases us into believing
we're gonna hear Journey's "Don't Stop
Believing" like five times in a row,
then:
JAMES CARPINELLO
Amy Spanger, I want you to give me a lap-dance to a JOAN JETT
song.
NOW-REALLY-INTO-LAPDANCING
AMY SPANGER
Um, odd request?
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
(enters)
Amy, I just wanted to say-- OH GOD!
(leaves angrily)
NOW-REALLY-INTO-LAPDANCING
AMY SPANGER
Did you JUST HAPPEN TO CATCH ME in the MIDDLE OF a lapdance
with JAMES CARPINELLO? Wow, what are the odds.
JAMES CARPINELLO
Is this seriously all STILL really happening because he
accidentally said "let's be friends"? Seems like poor plot
structure.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
Plot structure is stupid! Just like stupid musicals!
JAMES CARPINELLO
You're... you're still on that, aren't you.
SCENE: THE BAR, WHICH STILL HASN'T CLOSED DOWN YET DUE TO A
GERMAN FATHER/SON PLOT I *REFUSE* TO REHASH.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
Faux Jack Black, we're required to sing an REO Speedwagon
song.
GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
Which songs did we get the rights to?
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
"Can't Fight This Feeling".
GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
Ha. What else?
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
No, there is no "what else".
GUY WITH HIDEOUS MUSTACHE
But that's... pretty much the worst song ever.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
Would it be digestible if we sing it as a humorous gay love
song between two big-haired straight guys?
(does so)
AUDIENCE
DID I JUST ACTUALLY ENJOY A RENDITION OF THAT!?!?!?!!?
SCENE: ENDING.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Amy, how am I going to get you back again?
AMY SPANGER, PLAYING THE
CHARACTER LIKE WHATEVER
TELEVISION SHOW SHE HAPPENED
TO WATCH LAST NIGHT
My character's name is "Sherrie". Can you sing "Oh Sherrie"
by Steve Perry?
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
I can.
SERVICEABLE AMY SPANGER
Good enough for me!
They kiss for the FIRST TIME ALL NIGHT.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
So that's how our story ends.
Constantine Maroulis and Amy Spanger finally ended up
together!
Band finally (!) breaks into "Don't
Stop Believing", unintentionally
driving home the point about how much
better this song is than practically
all of the other songs in the show.
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
And they stayed together, and Jack Black didn't sue me, so
everything worked out great!
AMY SPANGER
And I finally achieved my dream as a prominent LA actress!
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
No... no you didn't.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Well then I became a rock-and-roll God at least, right?
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
Uh... no.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
This musical ends with us failing?
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
Those two particular sublots kind of got forgotten in Act
Two. But--you guys had a baby together!
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
How did we afford raising it?
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
...you know, you both had to...
...work hard to make ends meet with tips, you as a waiter at
this bar...
...and Amy... um...
AMY SPANGER
Did I go back to stripping?
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
...
AMY SPANGER
My kid grew up with a stripper Mom!?!?
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
Well, what did you guys expect? Neither of you guys had any
useful skills for the US job market.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
At least we had a happy marriage, working hard, LIVING ON A
PRAYER, right?
(winks)
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
Until you lost your job as a waiter when Rock fell out of
style, causing her to leave you for a client.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Well can we at least sing LIVING ON A PRAYER?
(winks again)
NOT JACK BLACK, BUT ALMOST
(checking the song listing)
Two Foreigner songs, two Journey, Two Poison, Four Twisted
Sister...
TWO Pat Benatar?!?
Ah here we are... no, we already used up our one Bon Jovi.
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS
Man, you're a real buzzkill.
ACTUAL STRAIGHT MALE
AUDIENCE MEMBERS IN THE
BATHROOM AFTER THE SHOW
(I am not making this line up)
That was literally the best show ever. Just, the greatest
thing I've ever seen.
OTHER TOUGH, STRAIGHT MALE
AUDIENCE MEMBERS IN THE
BATHROOM
(making it really clear that
they're not watching their
buddy next to them pee)
Yeah. Nothing I ever see will ever match that. Because
nobody will ever create music as great as that.
Life is all downhill from here.
THEATRE GEEKS IN THE
BATHROOM
Wow, after that I'm sure about it: Musical Theatre is dead.
Not like the days of Sondheim and Rodgers and Hammerstein;
nobody will ever create music as great as that.
Life is all downhill from here.
TOUGH MANLY GUYS &
THEATRE GEEKS
(to each other, simultaneously)
AND LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE PATHETIC!
A rumble breaks out in the bathroom of
the Brooks Atkinson Theatre, destroying
the Men's Room.
Which is kind of great, because that
bathroom is FUCKING DISGUSTING.
BLACKOUT.
Rock Of Ages: Abridged
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