Dirty Rotten Scoundrels: Abridged

                              DIRTY ROTTEN SHOCK VALUE
                     A "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" Abridged Script
                                                            By Gil Varod


                                   Enter Mel Brooks, writer of the musical
                                   "The Producers".


                                   MEL BROOKS
            Good evening, Jewish people.  And non-Jewish people too, but
            I've never catered to you before so why should I start now? 
            I'm MEL BROOKS, the Asshole of Broadway.  
                          (grins like he's proud of it)
            And I'm here tonight to introduce you to PART ONE of a TWO
            PART SERIES of Broadway Musicals coming out this spring that
            are based on MOVIES, have 75% or more CRUDE HUMOR, make lots
            of CLICHE JOKES about JEWISH/FRENCH people, force SECONDARY
            CHARACTERS into the plot where they don't FIT, and feature a
            well-known lead actor who has decided to play HIMSELF instead
            of the WRITTEN CHARACTER.


                                   Mel Brooks pulls out two playbills.


                                   MEL BROOKS
                          (holds up SPAMALOT playbill)
            We'll be looking at our second entry later this month...
                          (switches playbills)
            ...but until that point, let's start out with a look at
            "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels", the first in our two part series
            entitled:
            MUSICALS THIS SEASON THAT WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THEY ARE
            DEFINITELY THE NEXT PRODUCERS.
            Enjoy!






            SCENE: THE LES MISERABLES THEATRE.  OR WHATEVER THE HECK IT'S
            CALLED.  SERIOUSLY, THEY EVEN PUT A LES MIS PLAQUE ON THE
            ENTRANCEWAY, SO WHAT DO YOU CARE?


                                   AUDIENCE
            Boy oh boy, am I EXCITED to see some COMEDY!  Let's start
            this show off with a COMEDIC BANG!


                                   People dance for the entirety of the
                                   opening number.


                                   It takes a good six minutes.


                                   And nothing happens.


                                   Except for we get to see what Tuxes
                                   look like.  Like we've never seen a
                                   fricking Tux before.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Or don't.  See if I care.


                                   Endless salsa dancing.


                                   Finally at the end of this "Dirty
                                   (Rotten) Dancing" sequence, John
                                   Lithgow just kinda walks onstage.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Yes, it is I!  John Lithgow!  Applaud for me!


                                   Silence.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            DO IT!


                                   Audience applauds, because they feel
                                   like they paid so much money that they
                                   DESERVE TO APPLAUD!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Thank you.  Now, where is my French friend?  Hey, French Guy!


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Vell hello zere John Lizgoh, it iz I, yer Franch Frind and I
            am glad to be onstage sharing the spotlight with you!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Pst.... French Guy... You just, um, lost your accent.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            What iz zis?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Your accent.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Relli?  Dang gosh it.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Actually.... No, I was wrong.  You just keep going in and out
            of it.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            At least I'm going in and out of an accent OTHER than my own! 
            What IS that you have, Lithgow?  I mean you, naturally, what
            is that accent?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Um... It's...
                          (averts eyes)
            British.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            My ass.  You were born in the annals of Rochester, New York. 
            You're a Rochesterian!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            I am not!  I went to High School in Princeton, NJ!  I
            attended Harvard!  I stu--


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Suddenly the accent makes sense.  Although I sure as hell
            can't figure out what to classify it as.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Never mind you.  It's time for a WHIMSICAL TRIP TO FRANCE VIA
            THE TURNTABLE LEFT OVER FROM LES MISERABLES!


                                        LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN TO:






            SCENE: A CASINO ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA.  OR MAYBE JUST A
            SINGLE ROULETTE WHEEL IN THE MIDDLE OF A BARE STAGE.  YOUR
            INTERPRETATION, K?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
                          (singing)
            GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT...


                                   FRENCH GUY
                          (singing, but entirely
                           unintelligible because of his
                           accent)
            GIVE ZEM WHATZEYWHANASTUDSKFSFFDEWAEMPHMPHMPHMPHMPH...


                                   John Lithgow and the French Guy sing a
                                   smooth two-part harmony song that mis
                                   establishes the musical as being
                                   classy, slow, and entirely devoid of
                                   any punch.


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
            You mean putting the worst song of a show as its opening
            number is a BAD IDEA?  OH!
                          (makes a note for when he
                           submits his songs for SHREK:
                           THE MUSICAL)


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Now let's see some of the women who I con because of my
            CHARM, which I'll refer to often but never successfully SHOW
            onstage with the opposite Gender!
                          (to lady #1)
            Hello, rich lady!  Who are you?


                                   RICH LADY #1
                          (Texan accent)
            Ahm reech beh-cawz mah fah-mleez ehn oil!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Odd... We're in the French Riviera, and I find an American
            Woman.  No matter.
                          (to lady #2)
            Hello, rich lady!  Have we met?


                                   RICH LADY #2
                          (also American)
            I am a woman from Boston, and...


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            All Americans... weird.  
                          (to Joanna Gleason)
            Madame, are you by any chance French?


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            Nope, pure American!  Remember?  I was the Baker's Wife in
            Into The Woods!  Also I was in... nope, that's pretty much
            IT!


                                   Audience applauds, just as a courtesy
                                   to an actress that hasn't been on
                                   Broadway in fourteen years.


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            Wow, that was nice.  Well, I don't really have much to do
            onstage as this part was heavily lengthened once they found
            out *I* was playing it.  So I suppose I'll just leave now.
                          (makes out with John Lithgow,
                           leaves via turntable)
            Whee!  EVERY show should have a turntable!






            SCENE: A TRAIN.


                                   Enter Norbert Leo Butz.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Hey, John Lithgow, nice to meet you.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            How're you doing Norb--  
            Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Um, what's so funny?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Your name is Norbert!  What a funny name.  It sounds like a
            Dilbert pet that hasn't been invented yet!  Maybe his pet
            Gazelle--


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Shh.  Now that I've finally arrived and can put this plot
            into motion while totally STEALING THE SHOW, let me sit here
            and READ THE BIBLE AND MAKE STUPID COMMENTS ABOUT IT.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            But that makes your character seems STUPID, which isn't what
            you're going for... you should be characterizing him as
            CRUDE!  I feel like I'm not getting enough CRUDE out of you,
            Norbert.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Ha.  Oh boy.  In five minutes, you'll wish you never said
            that.






            SCENE: JOHN LITHGOW'S HOUSE.


                                   SERVANT
            Someone is here to see you, Mr. Will-Always-Be-Remembered-For
            Playing-Some-Alien-Looney-In-A-TV-Sitcom.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Well, let's change the lighting in case it's one of the women
            I keep unconvincingly INSISTING that I am able to be a LADIES
            MAN to.


                                   John Lithgow snaps, and the lighting
                                   changes.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Oh, so when he snaps, it means he can change lighting! 
            How... pointless.


                                   Enter Norbert Leo Butz.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            What?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            I just realized, your last name is Butz!  Both "Norbert" AND
            "Butz" are in your name!  You must have gotten picked on a
            lot as a child!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            I hate you.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Then why are you here?


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            I want you to teach me to be as classy and successful at
            being a CON-MAN as you!  Make me your PUPIL!


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
                          (from Orchestra)
            Now Norbert, RAP!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            What?  No!  I'm a Broadway Actor with a quality singing voice
            and an ability to tackle complex music... 
                          (sighs)
            Fine, I'll rap, but only if I can do half of it in Adam
            Sandler voices while I make billions of topical references.


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
            Done and done.  Be sure to make the audience feel
            uncomfortable with the sudden tone switch in the show!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
                          (rapping)
            SOMETHING SOMETHING AL ROKER	
            SOMETHING SOMETHING LORENZO LLAMAS
            SOMETHING SOMETHING PUFF DADDY!
            SOMETHING SOMETHING NAKED TWISTER AND A HUMMER!
                          (grabs crotch, spits in John
                           Lithgow's hand, brings
                           attention to rear-end)
            EVERY DAY WILL BE MY BIRTHDAY
            EVERY NIGHT IS MY BAR MITZVAH!


                                   QUOTA OF MAKING RANDOM
                                   JEWISH REFERENCES
            Ding ding ding!


                                   Norbert eventually stops rapping.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
                          (stereotypically gayly)
            Sooooo.... Wellllllllllll???


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Wow, I've seen SONGS that don't move the plot... But a RAP
            that doesn't move the plot along?  That's *new*!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
                          (stereotypically gayly)
            So, what do you think of "taking me on"?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Fine, I'll teach you to be a con-man, but only on the
            condition that you stop saying half of your lines in that
            weird "gay voice".


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Only if you stop saying your lines in that voice YOU have.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            THIS IS MY REAL VOICE!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
                          (still gayly)
            Sure it is, gorgeoussssss......


                                   John Lithgow takes Norbert Leo Butz
                                   behind the stage to change into nicer
                                   clothes.


                                   French Guy is left alone onstage.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Crap.... I need to fill time... Uh...
                          (sings)
            I'M FRENCH, SO I'M RUDE AND SMELLY!
                          (sings this a few more times)


                                   QUOTA OF MAKING CLICHE
                                   FRENCH-PEOPLE JOKES
            Ding!  Ding ding ding ding ding!






            SCENE: BLUE BACKGROUND


                                   We are in...


                                   Okay, well, who knows where we are. 
                                   There's a blue background with either a
                                   window or a picture frame.  It might be
                                   a restaurant.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
                          (puts hand on Norbert's
                           shoulder)
            Now Norbert Leo... HA HA HA HA HA!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            No no no!  You can't make fun of my name "Leo".  Leo's kinda
            normal!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            No, it's not your name, it's that you're short!  SO SHORT!  
                          (continues laughing)


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Sigh.  Okay, so the musical's--


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            At my height, I can rest my elbow on your HEAD--


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            The musical is a half an hour in.  Do we start the plot with
            Sherie Rene Scott now?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            No, there's at least another 25 minutes left until that
            happens.  To kill time for the majority of this act, I'm
            going to show you how I woo a woman, because I wasn't very
            convincing at doing it in Scene One.


                                   Enter a RIPOFF of Ado Annie from Rodger
                                   and Hammerstein's classic "Oklahoma!"


                                   ADO ANNIE RIPOFF
            Hey, John Lithgow!  We haven't established me as a character-
            not even in the boring beginning--so maybe the audience just 
            isn't going to give a crap if I come in out of nowhere.  Just
            like Ado Annie in Oklahoma, I'm incorrectly under the
            illusion that we're GETTING MARRIED and that I'm bringing you
            back to Oklahoma with me!  Won't that be a lovely PLOT TWIST?


                                   DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
            Yay!  EVERYBODY loves plot twists!


                                   Suddenly, for added SHOCK VALUE, a
                                   bunch of CRAZY cowboys come out to SING
                                   and DANCE to the music.


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
            Why make all my songs of the same COHESIVE STYLE, when I can
            move from COUNTRY to 80s ROCK to R&B to MUSICAL THEATRE as
            smoothly as a... as a... thing that doesn't go very smooth...
                          (sighs)
            Geez, I really need to work on my lyrical metaphors.






            SCENE: JOHN LITHGOW'S HOUSE.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Um... Is Sherie Rene Scott coming yet?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            No, we have another 10 minutes to kill.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Well, how are you going to have the cowboy girl not marry you
            or whatever it was that last awful number was about?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Well, we'd better do some more PLOT TWISTING!  EVERYBODY
            loves plot twists!


                                        NORBERT DOES SOME STUPID SHTICK
                                        WITH BEEF JERKY, AND WE'RE NOW:






            SCENE: DUNGEON IN JOHN LITHGOW'S HOUSE.  YES, JOHN LITHGOW'S
            HOUSE HAS A BUILT-IN DUNGEON.  HOW INCREDIBLY CONVENIENT.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
                          (to Ado Annie Ripoff)
            This is my brother Ruprecht.  He's disgusting!


                                   A run-of-the-mill "George W Bush is
                                   stupid" joke, and then Norbert enters
                                   with a hand down his pants.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
                          (while humping John Lithgow and
                           putting his face in Ado
                           Annie's breasts)
            Fresh shaved testicles!  Exposed belly!  Farts!  Genital
            cuffs!  KY Jelly and Rubber Gloves!


                                   CHOREOGRAPHER JERRY MITCHELL
            Okay!  Now... after you've walked all the way to the right
            side of the stage... here's the genius: walk all the way to
            the LEFT side!  And then... back again!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            SO, now that you've met my brother, are you sure you want to
            live with me?


                                   ADO ANNIE RIPOFF
            Well, two scenes ago I was THREATENING and TOUGH ENOUGH to
            constantly shoot at your FEET with a GUN.  But FART JOKES? 
            AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!
                          (runs off)






            SCENE: IT'S A CHURCH, OR A MUSEUM, OR SOMETHING.  GEEZ, WHO
            KNOWS.


                                   Joanna Gleason is telling some non
                                   French people about a statue.


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
                          (sings, doesn't hit high notes,
                           then comically spoken:)
            Because I'm a lonely woman, and my husband left me!  Ha ha ha
            ha!


                                   Audience laughs.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            It's a shame you said that line comedically.  Now your
            character is just a one-horse joke, and everybody's going to
            basically miss your character's PURPOSE in that you're ALONE
            and LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY.
            Well, good to see you, random character.  Glad to see that
            they could keep throwing you in a scene every so often!
                          (leaves)


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            Ha ha!  When the statue turns around, you can see its BUTT! 
            Ha ha!


                                   DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
            You said butt!  What a naughty word!
                          (grins sheepishly)






            SCENE: HOTEL WITH "FLAT CHANDELIERS" AND "NO FRENCH PEOPLE".


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
                          (gayly)
            Well, thanks for teaching me, and giving me the chance to
            make more crude jokes that have something to do with SEX.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Yeah?  Well now, over the course of twelve seconds, I've
            suddenly become angry at you!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Me too!  When Sherie Rene Scott finally shows the hell up
            onstage,
                          (looks at audience)
            We're going to BET WHO CAN GET $50,000 OUT OF HER FIRST!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Yeah, we know... That's what every newspaper summary has been
            saying this play is about.  So if the plot is just starting
            now, what have we been waiting for in the past hour?


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Well, we needed to characterize me as crude!


                                   AUDIENCE
            That's not hard.  Curse twice and scratch your crotch, that
            takes care of basically everything you've done so far.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            But we have to characterize ME!


                                   AUDIENCE
            As your character being... What?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            John Lithgow.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Ah.


                                   Enter Sherie Rene Scott.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
                          (entering)
            Here I am!  Sherie Rene Scott here, to act like a ditz and
            then say a whole boatload of French phrases in my not-all
            that-interesting entrance!  Of course, since the SOLE FRENCH
            GUY in the cast has a crappy french accent, you'll never
            notice my mispronunciations!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            $50,000.  So is it a deal?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Deal.


                                        A PERFECT PLACE FOR AN ACT-ONE
                                        ENDING BUT INSTEAD WE JUST KEEP
                                        ON GOING AND GOING TO:






            SCENE: REMEMBER THE ROULETTE TABLE?  THAT.


                                   Enter Norbert in a wheelchair.


                                   (Everybody LOVES wheelchair jokes.)


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Sherie Rene Scott, y'all gottas help me!  Ah am an Armah man
            which done lost use of hid legs and ah need $50,000 so I can
            find a doctor to help--


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Norby... Your southern or western or whatever accent that
            was... It just wavered out.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Yeah, well, I've been learning accents from the same guy that
            the French Guy uses.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Well, don't worry; we'll be able to fix your legs, and maybe
            your accent!
                          (sings for a verse)


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Okay... I guess my verse should be funny... Um... Why don't I
            just say a bunch of non-sequiturs that rhyme!


                                   ADAM SANDLER
            You know... there's a REASON I don't do that crap anymore.






            SCENE: SOMEWHERE WITH JOHN LITHGOW.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Oh no, Norbert is closer than I am at the bet.  I must snap
            my fingers!
                          (snaps)
            Hey, how come it isn't working?


                                   AUDIENCE
            How come what isn't working?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Snapping my fingers to fix everything!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Because you established snapping your fingers as something
            that changes lighting, not something that causes MAGIC.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Well dang.






            SCENE: BACK WITH SHERIE AND NORBERT, WHO IS STILL DOING "GAY
            VOICES".


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            I have a surprise for you, I magically found a doctor to help
            you with your legs!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
                          (gayly)
            Gee I wonder if it's going to be John Lithgow.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            He coincidentally is staying in the hotel right now!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Boy do I ever wonder if it's going to be John Lithgow.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            And here he is, the German doctor I found!  Because EVERYBODY
            loves plot twists!


                                   Enter somebody who ISN'T JOHN LITHGOW!


                                   Nah, just kidding.  This musical is
                                   just as predictable as you'd figured.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            German doctor here, and my accent is the WORST yet! 






            SCENE: INTERMISSION


                                   MEL BROOKS
            I'm here with composer/lyricist David Yazbek, Songwriter for
            "The Full Monty" who I won the Tony Award over for my
            incredibly simplistic melodies in "The Producers".  David,
            how are you doing?


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
                          (spits spitball at Mel Brooks)


                                   MEL BROOKS
            Lovely.  Now, let me ask you, what is it you were trying to
            accomplish when writing this musical?


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
            Well, I wanted to write a flat-out comedy.  You know,
            something that makes you laugh.


                                   MEL BROOKS
            Like con-men?


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
            Exactly.  And I wanted all of the songs to be various
            varieties, but each one funny as possible.


                                   MEL BROOKS
            Like pastiche?


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
            Exactly.  And I wanted, you know, crudeness and low-brow
            humor.  I thought it was time to try doing some of that.


                                   MEL BROOKS
            So after losing to "The Producers", you decided to write a
            con-men pastiche musical comedy with low-brow humor, is that
            correct?


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
            Yeah, basically...


                                   MEL BROOKS
                          (snickers)
            Have you ever heard of the term, "becoming the aggressor"?






            SCENE: AFTER INTERMISSION.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Well, as the doctor, first I need to see if we can get your
            legs to FEEL again!


                                   He pulls out a wooden stick and begins
                                   to hit Norbert Leo Butz's legs very
                                   hard.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Ouch!  I am feeling pain!


                                   John Lithgow does this again, then
                                   holds the stick in his hand as if ready
                                   to hit Norbert's legs again, but takes
                                   forever in singing:


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
                          (very slowly)
            IF YOU WERE ME,
            AND I WERE YOU,
            AND WE WERE WE...


                                   AUDIENCE
            BAAAH!  Stop singing!  Just hit him again and get over it!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            No!  I will sing and keep teasing you as if I am ABOUT to hit
            him!


                                   He DOES, his singing entirely ignored
                                   by the audience who just wants to see
                                   the pain again.


                                   DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
            It's funny, because pain is hilarious!  Tee-hee!






            SCENE: FRENCH HOTEL LOBBY.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Hey, any French people show up today?


                                   CONCIERGE
            Nope, none t'day mate.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Okay, just checking.  Thank you Dingo.


                                   CONCIERGE
            Not a problem.  G'day!


                                   Enter Joanna Gleason.


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            Oh... so I guess it turns out I'm in the second act somehow.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Yeah... And I'm kinda stuck onstage with you.


                                   Awkward silence.


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            Yes.  Yes you are.


                                   More awkward silence.


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            It kinda reminds me of that time in Into the W--


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Wanna F***?


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            Sure.  Not like we have anything else more interesting we can
            do in the context of this plot.  Let's F***.


                                   DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
            Another F-Bomb!  POW, dropped right on `em!






            SCENE: WHY, IT'S "DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS 2: HAVANA NIGHTS"!


                                   Norbert Leo Butz is sitting in his
                                   wheelchair watching John Lithgow and
                                   Sherie Rene Scott Dance.


                                   Of course, because they are in France,
                                   it should be no surprise that they
                                   obviously dance to LATIN DANCE MUSIC.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
                          (singing)
            WHILE I SING LOTS
            OF LYRICS FAST
            TO MAKE IT SEEM
            LIKE WHAT I SAY
            IS SOMEWHAT FUNNY
            WHILE WE DANCE AT
            THIS NIGHTCLUB THAT
            DOES NOT LOOK FRENCH!
                          (dances)


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Holy crap, you can dance.  That's a bit scary.  It's kinda
            like watching Christopher Walken moonwalk.


                                   They dance across the stage.


                                   For no apparent reason, Norbert follows
                                   after them in a scooter.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            If you really want to get Norbert to be able to walk again,
            you have to kiss me.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            But you're like twenty-five years older than me.  Isn't the
            audience going to--


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            DO IT!


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Okay...
                          (kisses him)
            I can't believe I do this eight times a week.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Woo-hoo!  That's the second time the Lith-man has gotten
            action in this musical!  J-Lith in the hizzouse!






            SCENE: EVEN MORE OF THE PART OF FRANCE THAT HAS NO FRENCH
            PEOPLE.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            John Lithgow, I almost have the $50,000 for you, but I need
            to get it from my parents because I'm ACTUALLY NOT RICH!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Wow, you aren't really RICH ENOUGH to afford the money?  What
            a delectable PLOT TWIST!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Well, if she can't afford the money, let's make HER the bet! 
            Won't that be a hilarious PLOT TWIST?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Wait... We're going to draw humor from the idea of a girl
            being tricked into falling in love with you and having sex
            with you?  Jesus, it can't get any cruder than that.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Sure it can.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Oh?  How?


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            We could draw humor from the idea of her being tricked into
            having sex with YOU.






            SCENE: A VERY, VERY GAUDY GLITTER-INFUSED HOTEL ROOM.


                                   SCENEIC DESIGNER 
                                   DAVID ROCKWELL
            My set is so very shiny, you have to shield your eyes!


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Sherie, if you would have sex with me, I would be able to
            walk again!


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Sure!
                          (aside)
            By the way, why are the women in this show so stupid?  This
            musical alone is going to set back women's rights a good 47
            years!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
                          (entering)
            Wait!  Sherie was PRETENDING to be in love with you to get
            you to walk!  Another god forsaken PLOT TWIST!






            SCENE: A TRAIN.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Thanks for all your help, not-very-German John Lithgow.


                                   Sherie walks away, and John Lithgow
                                   sings the sweetest song in the score.


                                   Off-key.


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
            Crap... I suppose the one time I write a pretty song to be
            sung in this show, I shouldn't give it to John Lithgow.  Eww.






            SCENE: SAME UGLY HOTEL ROOM.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            Didn't we JUST do a scene where you try to get me into bed?


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Yes, but this time, I've entirely given up on the western
            accent.


                                   They kiss.


                                   SHERIE RENE SCOTT
            The way I kiss other men in this show, you'd think I wasn't
            married!  But my husband KURT DEUTSCH doesn't mind... In
            fact, he's actually *producing* the cast recording!


                                   Norbert and Sherie kiss again


                                   RECORD PRODUCER KURT DEUTSCH
            Not... Jealous....


                                   Sherie Rene Scott has a three-way with
                                   Lithgow and Butz.


                                   RECORD PRODUCER KURT DEUTSCH
            MUST...PRODUCE...CAST...ALBUM!


                                   DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
            Oooh... three-ways are funny too!  Maybe we can go back and
            have a place where Norbert mentions a three-way, no?






            SCENE: A BALCONY.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Boy, Joanna Gleason, it's been nice having WILD MONKEY SEX
            for... How long?


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            Well, it's been a good four or five scenes since we were last
            in the musical.  But boy did I enjoy INSERT OVERLY-GRATUITOUS
            SEXUAL INNUENDO HERE.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Yes, I and I liked when we did VERY GRAPHIC SEXUAL DETAIL
            EXPOSED HERE.


                                   DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
            You don't expect them to say such dirty gratuitous
            fornication-based things OUT OF THE BLUE.  And yet they DO! 
            OH BOY!


                                   The set begins to move.


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            Whoa... Hey, have we broken the fourth wall recently?


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Must be at least 7, 8 minutes tops.  Why?


                                   JOANNA GLEASON
            The balcony is moving!  
                          (winks:)
            But it's not really, it's just the set piece!


                                   BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL
                                   QUOTA
            DING DING DING DING DING!






            SCENE: JOHN LITHGOW'S HOUSE.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            No!  Norbert had sex with Sherie!  Now I've lost the bet, AND
            the musical "The Last Five Years" has been totally ruined for
            me FOREVER!


                                   FRENCH GUY
            We could call Bobo, the Forgetful Skydiving Instructor!


                                   Pause.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Who is Bobo?


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Bobo.   The hitman.  I mentioned him very briefly an hour and
            a half ago... In the very very beginning of the play...
            Remember?


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            No.


                                   FRENCH GUY
            Oh, forget it.  Someone's at the door.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Why, it's the BROADWAY ABRIDGED SPOILERS GUY!  Hey BASG!  How
            goes?


                                   BROADWAY ABRIDGED
                                   SPOILERS GUY
                          (entering)
            Not bad.  I'm just here to let the readers know that if they
            haven't yet seen Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, now would be a good
            point to stop reading because...
                          (pause)
            Never mind.
                          (turns to leave)


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            What?  Spoilers guy!  What is it?


                                   BROADWAY ABRIDGED
                                   SPOILERS GUY
            I just realized, forget it.  This entire SHOW is just one big
            giant never-ending chain of plot twists.  If I really wanted
            to do my job, I would've came in every fricking seven
            minutes.
                          (leaves)


                                   Enter Norbert Leo Butz in a nightgown.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            It turns out--extra plot twist--she was in on it all along in
            order to steal OUR $50,000!


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            Oh wow, that makes sense!  Because that suddenly explains
            that...
                          (pause)
            Okay.  It explains nothing.  It was totally tacked on.  I'd
            make a stink about it, but the movie did it too, so.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Yeah... It was pretty predictable.


                                   IT WAS.






            SCENE: TWO BEACH CHAIRS.


                                   NORBERT LEO BUTZ
            Well, the musical's over.  Thanks for letting me upstage you
            for most of it.


                                   JOHN LITHGOW
            I don't mind you having upstaged it; I don't know how the
            hell I became a non-singing MUSICAL THEATRE actor anyway! 
            And, I had such FUN being a con artist.  I mean...
                          (sings)
            IT WAS A BLAST
            IT WAS A BALL
            IT WAS SUCH FUN
            I LOVED IT ALL...
                          (winks)
            See?  I'm talking about it being fun being a con-artist, but
            meanwhile we're going to sing this lyric OVER AND OVER AGAIN
            until you're singing it yourself!


                                   This music plays over and over again
                                   during the curtain call.


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (hypnotized)
            I WILL TELL OTHERS THAT IT WAS A BLAST.  I WILL MENTION THAT
            IT WAS A BALL.  I WILL NOTE THAT IT WAS SUCH FUN.  I WILL
            TELL MY FRIENDS THAT I LOVED IT ALL.


                                   SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
            See?  I have learned something since Full Monty: hypnosis via
            lyrics.
                          (frowns)
            Now I just gotta figure out how to do a quick rewrite to
            include variations of the phrase "Burn Down The Theatre Where
            SPAMALOT Is Playing".


                                   David Yazbek sighs, then shrinks into
                                   his hat.


                                        BLACKOUT.

Classic Broadway Abridged Scripts


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