DIRTY ROTTEN SHOCK VALUE
A "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" Abridged Script
By Gil Varod
Enter Mel Brooks, writer of the musical
"The Producers".
MEL BROOKS
Good evening, Jewish people. And non-Jewish people too, but
I've never catered to you before so why should I start now?
I'm MEL BROOKS, the Asshole of Broadway.
(grins like he's proud of it)
And I'm here tonight to introduce you to PART ONE of a TWO
PART SERIES of Broadway Musicals coming out this spring that
are based on MOVIES, have 75% or more CRUDE HUMOR, make lots
of CLICHE JOKES about JEWISH/FRENCH people, force SECONDARY
CHARACTERS into the plot where they don't FIT, and feature a
well-known lead actor who has decided to play HIMSELF instead
of the WRITTEN CHARACTER.
Mel Brooks pulls out two playbills.
MEL BROOKS
(holds up SPAMALOT playbill)
We'll be looking at our second entry later this month...
(switches playbills)
...but until that point, let's start out with a look at
"Dirty Rotten Scoundrels", the first in our two part series
entitled:
MUSICALS THIS SEASON THAT WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THEY ARE
DEFINITELY THE NEXT PRODUCERS.
Enjoy!
SCENE: THE LES MISERABLES THEATRE. OR WHATEVER THE HECK IT'S
CALLED. SERIOUSLY, THEY EVEN PUT A LES MIS PLAQUE ON THE
ENTRANCEWAY, SO WHAT DO YOU CARE?
AUDIENCE
Boy oh boy, am I EXCITED to see some COMEDY! Let's start
this show off with a COMEDIC BANG!
People dance for the entirety of the
opening number.
It takes a good six minutes.
And nothing happens.
Except for we get to see what Tuxes
look like. Like we've never seen a
fricking Tux before.
AUDIENCE
Or don't. See if I care.
Endless salsa dancing.
Finally at the end of this "Dirty
(Rotten) Dancing" sequence, John
Lithgow just kinda walks onstage.
JOHN LITHGOW
Yes, it is I! John Lithgow! Applaud for me!
Silence.
JOHN LITHGOW
DO IT!
Audience applauds, because they feel
like they paid so much money that they
DESERVE TO APPLAUD!
JOHN LITHGOW
Thank you. Now, where is my French friend? Hey, French Guy!
FRENCH GUY
Vell hello zere John Lizgoh, it iz I, yer Franch Frind and I
am glad to be onstage sharing the spotlight with you!
JOHN LITHGOW
Pst.... French Guy... You just, um, lost your accent.
FRENCH GUY
What iz zis?
JOHN LITHGOW
Your accent.
FRENCH GUY
Relli? Dang gosh it.
JOHN LITHGOW
Actually.... No, I was wrong. You just keep going in and out
of it.
FRENCH GUY
At least I'm going in and out of an accent OTHER than my own!
What IS that you have, Lithgow? I mean you, naturally, what
is that accent?
JOHN LITHGOW
Um... It's...
(averts eyes)
British.
FRENCH GUY
My ass. You were born in the annals of Rochester, New York.
You're a Rochesterian!
JOHN LITHGOW
I am not! I went to High School in Princeton, NJ! I
attended Harvard! I stu--
FRENCH GUY
Suddenly the accent makes sense. Although I sure as hell
can't figure out what to classify it as.
JOHN LITHGOW
Never mind you. It's time for a WHIMSICAL TRIP TO FRANCE VIA
THE TURNTABLE LEFT OVER FROM LES MISERABLES!
LOOK DOWN, LOOK DOWN TO:
SCENE: A CASINO ON THE FRENCH RIVIERA. OR MAYBE JUST A
SINGLE ROULETTE WHEEL IN THE MIDDLE OF A BARE STAGE. YOUR
INTERPRETATION, K?
JOHN LITHGOW
(singing)
GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT...
FRENCH GUY
(singing, but entirely
unintelligible because of his
accent)
GIVE ZEM WHATZEYWHANASTUDSKFSFFDEWAEMPHMPHMPHMPHMPH...
John Lithgow and the French Guy sing a
smooth two-part harmony song that mis
establishes the musical as being
classy, slow, and entirely devoid of
any punch.
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
You mean putting the worst song of a show as its opening
number is a BAD IDEA? OH!
(makes a note for when he
submits his songs for SHREK:
THE MUSICAL)
JOHN LITHGOW
Now let's see some of the women who I con because of my
CHARM, which I'll refer to often but never successfully SHOW
onstage with the opposite Gender!
(to lady #1)
Hello, rich lady! Who are you?
RICH LADY #1
(Texan accent)
Ahm reech beh-cawz mah fah-mleez ehn oil!
JOHN LITHGOW
Odd... We're in the French Riviera, and I find an American
Woman. No matter.
(to lady #2)
Hello, rich lady! Have we met?
RICH LADY #2
(also American)
I am a woman from Boston, and...
JOHN LITHGOW
All Americans... weird.
(to Joanna Gleason)
Madame, are you by any chance French?
JOANNA GLEASON
Nope, pure American! Remember? I was the Baker's Wife in
Into The Woods! Also I was in... nope, that's pretty much
IT!
Audience applauds, just as a courtesy
to an actress that hasn't been on
Broadway in fourteen years.
JOANNA GLEASON
Wow, that was nice. Well, I don't really have much to do
onstage as this part was heavily lengthened once they found
out *I* was playing it. So I suppose I'll just leave now.
(makes out with John Lithgow,
leaves via turntable)
Whee! EVERY show should have a turntable!
SCENE: A TRAIN.
Enter Norbert Leo Butz.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Hey, John Lithgow, nice to meet you.
JOHN LITHGOW
How're you doing Norb--
Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Um, what's so funny?
JOHN LITHGOW
Your name is Norbert! What a funny name. It sounds like a
Dilbert pet that hasn't been invented yet! Maybe his pet
Gazelle--
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Shh. Now that I've finally arrived and can put this plot
into motion while totally STEALING THE SHOW, let me sit here
and READ THE BIBLE AND MAKE STUPID COMMENTS ABOUT IT.
JOHN LITHGOW
But that makes your character seems STUPID, which isn't what
you're going for... you should be characterizing him as
CRUDE! I feel like I'm not getting enough CRUDE out of you,
Norbert.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Ha. Oh boy. In five minutes, you'll wish you never said
that.
SCENE: JOHN LITHGOW'S HOUSE.
SERVANT
Someone is here to see you, Mr. Will-Always-Be-Remembered-For
Playing-Some-Alien-Looney-In-A-TV-Sitcom.
JOHN LITHGOW
Well, let's change the lighting in case it's one of the women
I keep unconvincingly INSISTING that I am able to be a LADIES
MAN to.
John Lithgow snaps, and the lighting
changes.
AUDIENCE
Oh, so when he snaps, it means he can change lighting!
How... pointless.
Enter Norbert Leo Butz.
JOHN LITHGOW
Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
What?
JOHN LITHGOW
I just realized, your last name is Butz! Both "Norbert" AND
"Butz" are in your name! You must have gotten picked on a
lot as a child!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
I hate you.
JOHN LITHGOW
Then why are you here?
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
I want you to teach me to be as classy and successful at
being a CON-MAN as you! Make me your PUPIL!
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
(from Orchestra)
Now Norbert, RAP!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
What? No! I'm a Broadway Actor with a quality singing voice
and an ability to tackle complex music...
(sighs)
Fine, I'll rap, but only if I can do half of it in Adam
Sandler voices while I make billions of topical references.
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
Done and done. Be sure to make the audience feel
uncomfortable with the sudden tone switch in the show!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
(rapping)
SOMETHING SOMETHING AL ROKER
SOMETHING SOMETHING LORENZO LLAMAS
SOMETHING SOMETHING PUFF DADDY!
SOMETHING SOMETHING NAKED TWISTER AND A HUMMER!
(grabs crotch, spits in John
Lithgow's hand, brings
attention to rear-end)
EVERY DAY WILL BE MY BIRTHDAY
EVERY NIGHT IS MY BAR MITZVAH!
QUOTA OF MAKING RANDOM
JEWISH REFERENCES
Ding ding ding!
Norbert eventually stops rapping.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
(stereotypically gayly)
Sooooo.... Wellllllllllll???
JOHN LITHGOW
Wow, I've seen SONGS that don't move the plot... But a RAP
that doesn't move the plot along? That's *new*!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
(stereotypically gayly)
So, what do you think of "taking me on"?
JOHN LITHGOW
Fine, I'll teach you to be a con-man, but only on the
condition that you stop saying half of your lines in that
weird "gay voice".
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Only if you stop saying your lines in that voice YOU have.
JOHN LITHGOW
THIS IS MY REAL VOICE!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
(still gayly)
Sure it is, gorgeoussssss......
John Lithgow takes Norbert Leo Butz
behind the stage to change into nicer
clothes.
French Guy is left alone onstage.
FRENCH GUY
Crap.... I need to fill time... Uh...
(sings)
I'M FRENCH, SO I'M RUDE AND SMELLY!
(sings this a few more times)
QUOTA OF MAKING CLICHE
FRENCH-PEOPLE JOKES
Ding! Ding ding ding ding ding!
SCENE: BLUE BACKGROUND
We are in...
Okay, well, who knows where we are.
There's a blue background with either a
window or a picture frame. It might be
a restaurant.
JOHN LITHGOW
(puts hand on Norbert's
shoulder)
Now Norbert Leo... HA HA HA HA HA!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
No no no! You can't make fun of my name "Leo". Leo's kinda
normal!
JOHN LITHGOW
No, it's not your name, it's that you're short! SO SHORT!
(continues laughing)
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Sigh. Okay, so the musical's--
JOHN LITHGOW
At my height, I can rest my elbow on your HEAD--
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
The musical is a half an hour in. Do we start the plot with
Sherie Rene Scott now?
JOHN LITHGOW
No, there's at least another 25 minutes left until that
happens. To kill time for the majority of this act, I'm
going to show you how I woo a woman, because I wasn't very
convincing at doing it in Scene One.
Enter a RIPOFF of Ado Annie from Rodger
and Hammerstein's classic "Oklahoma!"
ADO ANNIE RIPOFF
Hey, John Lithgow! We haven't established me as a character-
not even in the boring beginning--so maybe the audience just
isn't going to give a crap if I come in out of nowhere. Just
like Ado Annie in Oklahoma, I'm incorrectly under the
illusion that we're GETTING MARRIED and that I'm bringing you
back to Oklahoma with me! Won't that be a lovely PLOT TWIST?
DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
Yay! EVERYBODY loves plot twists!
Suddenly, for added SHOCK VALUE, a
bunch of CRAZY cowboys come out to SING
and DANCE to the music.
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
Why make all my songs of the same COHESIVE STYLE, when I can
move from COUNTRY to 80s ROCK to R&B to MUSICAL THEATRE as
smoothly as a... as a... thing that doesn't go very smooth...
(sighs)
Geez, I really need to work on my lyrical metaphors.
SCENE: JOHN LITHGOW'S HOUSE.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Um... Is Sherie Rene Scott coming yet?
JOHN LITHGOW
No, we have another 10 minutes to kill.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Well, how are you going to have the cowboy girl not marry you
or whatever it was that last awful number was about?
JOHN LITHGOW
Well, we'd better do some more PLOT TWISTING! EVERYBODY
loves plot twists!
NORBERT DOES SOME STUPID SHTICK
WITH BEEF JERKY, AND WE'RE NOW:
SCENE: DUNGEON IN JOHN LITHGOW'S HOUSE. YES, JOHN LITHGOW'S
HOUSE HAS A BUILT-IN DUNGEON. HOW INCREDIBLY CONVENIENT.
JOHN LITHGOW
(to Ado Annie Ripoff)
This is my brother Ruprecht. He's disgusting!
A run-of-the-mill "George W Bush is
stupid" joke, and then Norbert enters
with a hand down his pants.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
(while humping John Lithgow and
putting his face in Ado
Annie's breasts)
Fresh shaved testicles! Exposed belly! Farts! Genital
cuffs! KY Jelly and Rubber Gloves!
CHOREOGRAPHER JERRY MITCHELL
Okay! Now... after you've walked all the way to the right
side of the stage... here's the genius: walk all the way to
the LEFT side! And then... back again!
JOHN LITHGOW
SO, now that you've met my brother, are you sure you want to
live with me?
ADO ANNIE RIPOFF
Well, two scenes ago I was THREATENING and TOUGH ENOUGH to
constantly shoot at your FEET with a GUN. But FART JOKES?
AAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!!!
(runs off)
SCENE: IT'S A CHURCH, OR A MUSEUM, OR SOMETHING. GEEZ, WHO
KNOWS.
Joanna Gleason is telling some non
French people about a statue.
JOANNA GLEASON
(sings, doesn't hit high notes,
then comically spoken:)
Because I'm a lonely woman, and my husband left me! Ha ha ha
ha!
Audience laughs.
FRENCH GUY
It's a shame you said that line comedically. Now your
character is just a one-horse joke, and everybody's going to
basically miss your character's PURPOSE in that you're ALONE
and LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY.
Well, good to see you, random character. Glad to see that
they could keep throwing you in a scene every so often!
(leaves)
JOANNA GLEASON
Ha ha! When the statue turns around, you can see its BUTT!
Ha ha!
DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
You said butt! What a naughty word!
(grins sheepishly)
SCENE: HOTEL WITH "FLAT CHANDELIERS" AND "NO FRENCH PEOPLE".
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
(gayly)
Well, thanks for teaching me, and giving me the chance to
make more crude jokes that have something to do with SEX.
JOHN LITHGOW
Yeah? Well now, over the course of twelve seconds, I've
suddenly become angry at you!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Me too! When Sherie Rene Scott finally shows the hell up
onstage,
(looks at audience)
We're going to BET WHO CAN GET $50,000 OUT OF HER FIRST!
AUDIENCE
Yeah, we know... That's what every newspaper summary has been
saying this play is about. So if the plot is just starting
now, what have we been waiting for in the past hour?
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Well, we needed to characterize me as crude!
AUDIENCE
That's not hard. Curse twice and scratch your crotch, that
takes care of basically everything you've done so far.
JOHN LITHGOW
But we have to characterize ME!
AUDIENCE
As your character being... What?
JOHN LITHGOW
John Lithgow.
AUDIENCE
Ah.
Enter Sherie Rene Scott.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
(entering)
Here I am! Sherie Rene Scott here, to act like a ditz and
then say a whole boatload of French phrases in my not-all
that-interesting entrance! Of course, since the SOLE FRENCH
GUY in the cast has a crappy french accent, you'll never
notice my mispronunciations!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
$50,000. So is it a deal?
JOHN LITHGOW
Deal.
A PERFECT PLACE FOR AN ACT-ONE
ENDING BUT INSTEAD WE JUST KEEP
ON GOING AND GOING TO:
SCENE: REMEMBER THE ROULETTE TABLE? THAT.
Enter Norbert in a wheelchair.
(Everybody LOVES wheelchair jokes.)
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Sherie Rene Scott, y'all gottas help me! Ah am an Armah man
which done lost use of hid legs and ah need $50,000 so I can
find a doctor to help--
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Norby... Your southern or western or whatever accent that
was... It just wavered out.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Yeah, well, I've been learning accents from the same guy that
the French Guy uses.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Well, don't worry; we'll be able to fix your legs, and maybe
your accent!
(sings for a verse)
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Okay... I guess my verse should be funny... Um... Why don't I
just say a bunch of non-sequiturs that rhyme!
ADAM SANDLER
You know... there's a REASON I don't do that crap anymore.
SCENE: SOMEWHERE WITH JOHN LITHGOW.
JOHN LITHGOW
Oh no, Norbert is closer than I am at the bet. I must snap
my fingers!
(snaps)
Hey, how come it isn't working?
AUDIENCE
How come what isn't working?
JOHN LITHGOW
Snapping my fingers to fix everything!
AUDIENCE
Because you established snapping your fingers as something
that changes lighting, not something that causes MAGIC.
JOHN LITHGOW
Well dang.
SCENE: BACK WITH SHERIE AND NORBERT, WHO IS STILL DOING "GAY
VOICES".
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
I have a surprise for you, I magically found a doctor to help
you with your legs!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
(gayly)
Gee I wonder if it's going to be John Lithgow.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
He coincidentally is staying in the hotel right now!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Boy do I ever wonder if it's going to be John Lithgow.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
And here he is, the German doctor I found! Because EVERYBODY
loves plot twists!
Enter somebody who ISN'T JOHN LITHGOW!
Nah, just kidding. This musical is
just as predictable as you'd figured.
JOHN LITHGOW
German doctor here, and my accent is the WORST yet!
SCENE: INTERMISSION
MEL BROOKS
I'm here with composer/lyricist David Yazbek, Songwriter for
"The Full Monty" who I won the Tony Award over for my
incredibly simplistic melodies in "The Producers". David,
how are you doing?
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
(spits spitball at Mel Brooks)
MEL BROOKS
Lovely. Now, let me ask you, what is it you were trying to
accomplish when writing this musical?
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
Well, I wanted to write a flat-out comedy. You know,
something that makes you laugh.
MEL BROOKS
Like con-men?
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
Exactly. And I wanted all of the songs to be various
varieties, but each one funny as possible.
MEL BROOKS
Like pastiche?
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
Exactly. And I wanted, you know, crudeness and low-brow
humor. I thought it was time to try doing some of that.
MEL BROOKS
So after losing to "The Producers", you decided to write a
con-men pastiche musical comedy with low-brow humor, is that
correct?
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
Yeah, basically...
MEL BROOKS
(snickers)
Have you ever heard of the term, "becoming the aggressor"?
SCENE: AFTER INTERMISSION.
JOHN LITHGOW
Well, as the doctor, first I need to see if we can get your
legs to FEEL again!
He pulls out a wooden stick and begins
to hit Norbert Leo Butz's legs very
hard.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Ouch! I am feeling pain!
John Lithgow does this again, then
holds the stick in his hand as if ready
to hit Norbert's legs again, but takes
forever in singing:
JOHN LITHGOW
(very slowly)
IF YOU WERE ME,
AND I WERE YOU,
AND WE WERE WE...
AUDIENCE
BAAAH! Stop singing! Just hit him again and get over it!
JOHN LITHGOW
No! I will sing and keep teasing you as if I am ABOUT to hit
him!
He DOES, his singing entirely ignored
by the audience who just wants to see
the pain again.
DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
It's funny, because pain is hilarious! Tee-hee!
SCENE: FRENCH HOTEL LOBBY.
JOHN LITHGOW
Hey, any French people show up today?
CONCIERGE
Nope, none t'day mate.
JOHN LITHGOW
Okay, just checking. Thank you Dingo.
CONCIERGE
Not a problem. G'day!
Enter Joanna Gleason.
JOANNA GLEASON
Oh... so I guess it turns out I'm in the second act somehow.
FRENCH GUY
Yeah... And I'm kinda stuck onstage with you.
Awkward silence.
JOANNA GLEASON
Yes. Yes you are.
More awkward silence.
JOANNA GLEASON
It kinda reminds me of that time in Into the W--
FRENCH GUY
Wanna F***?
JOANNA GLEASON
Sure. Not like we have anything else more interesting we can
do in the context of this plot. Let's F***.
DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
Another F-Bomb! POW, dropped right on `em!
SCENE: WHY, IT'S "DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS 2: HAVANA NIGHTS"!
Norbert Leo Butz is sitting in his
wheelchair watching John Lithgow and
Sherie Rene Scott Dance.
Of course, because they are in France,
it should be no surprise that they
obviously dance to LATIN DANCE MUSIC.
JOHN LITHGOW
(singing)
WHILE I SING LOTS
OF LYRICS FAST
TO MAKE IT SEEM
LIKE WHAT I SAY
IS SOMEWHAT FUNNY
WHILE WE DANCE AT
THIS NIGHTCLUB THAT
DOES NOT LOOK FRENCH!
(dances)
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Holy crap, you can dance. That's a bit scary. It's kinda
like watching Christopher Walken moonwalk.
They dance across the stage.
For no apparent reason, Norbert follows
after them in a scooter.
JOHN LITHGOW
If you really want to get Norbert to be able to walk again,
you have to kiss me.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
But you're like twenty-five years older than me. Isn't the
audience going to--
JOHN LITHGOW
DO IT!
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Okay...
(kisses him)
I can't believe I do this eight times a week.
JOHN LITHGOW
Woo-hoo! That's the second time the Lith-man has gotten
action in this musical! J-Lith in the hizzouse!
SCENE: EVEN MORE OF THE PART OF FRANCE THAT HAS NO FRENCH
PEOPLE.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
John Lithgow, I almost have the $50,000 for you, but I need
to get it from my parents because I'm ACTUALLY NOT RICH!
JOHN LITHGOW
Wow, you aren't really RICH ENOUGH to afford the money? What
a delectable PLOT TWIST!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Well, if she can't afford the money, let's make HER the bet!
Won't that be a hilarious PLOT TWIST?
JOHN LITHGOW
Wait... We're going to draw humor from the idea of a girl
being tricked into falling in love with you and having sex
with you? Jesus, it can't get any cruder than that.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Sure it can.
JOHN LITHGOW
Oh? How?
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
We could draw humor from the idea of her being tricked into
having sex with YOU.
SCENE: A VERY, VERY GAUDY GLITTER-INFUSED HOTEL ROOM.
SCENEIC DESIGNER
DAVID ROCKWELL
My set is so very shiny, you have to shield your eyes!
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Sherie, if you would have sex with me, I would be able to
walk again!
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Sure!
(aside)
By the way, why are the women in this show so stupid? This
musical alone is going to set back women's rights a good 47
years!
JOHN LITHGOW
(entering)
Wait! Sherie was PRETENDING to be in love with you to get
you to walk! Another god forsaken PLOT TWIST!
SCENE: A TRAIN.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Thanks for all your help, not-very-German John Lithgow.
Sherie walks away, and John Lithgow
sings the sweetest song in the score.
Off-key.
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
Crap... I suppose the one time I write a pretty song to be
sung in this show, I shouldn't give it to John Lithgow. Eww.
SCENE: SAME UGLY HOTEL ROOM.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
Didn't we JUST do a scene where you try to get me into bed?
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Yes, but this time, I've entirely given up on the western
accent.
They kiss.
SHERIE RENE SCOTT
The way I kiss other men in this show, you'd think I wasn't
married! But my husband KURT DEUTSCH doesn't mind... In
fact, he's actually *producing* the cast recording!
Norbert and Sherie kiss again
RECORD PRODUCER KURT DEUTSCH
Not... Jealous....
Sherie Rene Scott has a three-way with
Lithgow and Butz.
RECORD PRODUCER KURT DEUTSCH
MUST...PRODUCE...CAST...ALBUM!
DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
Oooh... three-ways are funny too! Maybe we can go back and
have a place where Norbert mentions a three-way, no?
SCENE: A BALCONY.
FRENCH GUY
Boy, Joanna Gleason, it's been nice having WILD MONKEY SEX
for... How long?
JOANNA GLEASON
Well, it's been a good four or five scenes since we were last
in the musical. But boy did I enjoy INSERT OVERLY-GRATUITOUS
SEXUAL INNUENDO HERE.
FRENCH GUY
Yes, I and I liked when we did VERY GRAPHIC SEXUAL DETAIL
EXPOSED HERE.
DIRECTOR JACK O'BRIEN
You don't expect them to say such dirty gratuitous
fornication-based things OUT OF THE BLUE. And yet they DO!
OH BOY!
The set begins to move.
JOANNA GLEASON
Whoa... Hey, have we broken the fourth wall recently?
FRENCH GUY
Must be at least 7, 8 minutes tops. Why?
JOANNA GLEASON
The balcony is moving!
(winks:)
But it's not really, it's just the set piece!
BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL
QUOTA
DING DING DING DING DING!
SCENE: JOHN LITHGOW'S HOUSE.
JOHN LITHGOW
No! Norbert had sex with Sherie! Now I've lost the bet, AND
the musical "The Last Five Years" has been totally ruined for
me FOREVER!
FRENCH GUY
We could call Bobo, the Forgetful Skydiving Instructor!
Pause.
JOHN LITHGOW
Who is Bobo?
FRENCH GUY
Bobo. The hitman. I mentioned him very briefly an hour and
a half ago... In the very very beginning of the play...
Remember?
JOHN LITHGOW
No.
FRENCH GUY
Oh, forget it. Someone's at the door.
JOHN LITHGOW
Why, it's the BROADWAY ABRIDGED SPOILERS GUY! Hey BASG! How
goes?
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY
(entering)
Not bad. I'm just here to let the readers know that if they
haven't yet seen Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, now would be a good
point to stop reading because...
(pause)
Never mind.
(turns to leave)
JOHN LITHGOW
What? Spoilers guy! What is it?
BROADWAY ABRIDGED
SPOILERS GUY
I just realized, forget it. This entire SHOW is just one big
giant never-ending chain of plot twists. If I really wanted
to do my job, I would've came in every fricking seven
minutes.
(leaves)
Enter Norbert Leo Butz in a nightgown.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
It turns out--extra plot twist--she was in on it all along in
order to steal OUR $50,000!
JOHN LITHGOW
Oh wow, that makes sense! Because that suddenly explains
that...
(pause)
Okay. It explains nothing. It was totally tacked on. I'd
make a stink about it, but the movie did it too, so.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Yeah... It was pretty predictable.
IT WAS.
SCENE: TWO BEACH CHAIRS.
NORBERT LEO BUTZ
Well, the musical's over. Thanks for letting me upstage you
for most of it.
JOHN LITHGOW
I don't mind you having upstaged it; I don't know how the
hell I became a non-singing MUSICAL THEATRE actor anyway!
And, I had such FUN being a con artist. I mean...
(sings)
IT WAS A BLAST
IT WAS A BALL
IT WAS SUCH FUN
I LOVED IT ALL...
(winks)
See? I'm talking about it being fun being a con-artist, but
meanwhile we're going to sing this lyric OVER AND OVER AGAIN
until you're singing it yourself!
This music plays over and over again
during the curtain call.
AUDIENCE
(hypnotized)
I WILL TELL OTHERS THAT IT WAS A BLAST. I WILL MENTION THAT
IT WAS A BALL. I WILL NOTE THAT IT WAS SUCH FUN. I WILL
TELL MY FRIENDS THAT I LOVED IT ALL.
SONGWRITER DAVID YAZBEK
See? I have learned something since Full Monty: hypnosis via
lyrics.
(frowns)
Now I just gotta figure out how to do a quick rewrite to
include variations of the phrase "Burn Down The Theatre Where
SPAMALOT Is Playing".
David Yazbek sighs, then shrinks into
his hat.
BLACKOUT.
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