Shrek: Abridged


                                   SHREK ABRIDGED
                                         OR
                        HOW GAY CAN WE MAKE A DREAMWORKS FILM?
                            A "Broadway Abridged" Script
                                              By Gil Varod and Eva Belich






            SCENE: THE DREAMWORKS SKG STUDIO, THREE YEARS AGO.


                                   Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg
                                   and... 
                                   that other guy... 
                                   are sitting discussing the creation of
                                   Dreamworks Theatrical.


                                   STEVEN SPIELBERG
            ...and then we'll have Jews.  


                                   JEFFREY KATZENBERG
            And when they finish doing the Hora--


                                   A flash of lightning.  From the shadows
                                   emerge three darker, older, and
                                   slightly more overweight figures.


                                   STEVEN SPIELBERG
            Who are you?


                                   FUTURE JEFFREY KATZENBERG
            It is I, Future Jeffrey Katzenberg, with terrible news from
            The Future.


                                   NOT-FUTURE JEFFREY
                                   KATZENBERG
                          (handing Future Jeffrey
                           Katzenberg a Diet Coke)
            What is it, Future Jeffrey Katzenberg?  Please tell us!


                                   FUTURE JEFFREY KATZENBERG
                          (graciously accepting Diet Coke)
            In the future, Dreamworks will seek a new film distribution
            partner.  And when the dust has settled, only one terrible
            foe will be left standing.


                                   FUTURE THAT OTHER GUY
            Dreamworks' distribution will be handled by...
            THE WALT DISNEY CORPORATION.


                                   NOT-FUTURE GUYS
                          (in hilarious unison)
            NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


                                   STEVEN SPIELBERG
            Whatever can we do to stop this unconscionable catastrophe?


                                   FUTURE STEVEN SPIELBERG
            You must come up with a reason for Dreamworks to no longer be
            attractive enough for takeover.  DO NOT FAIL ME!... ALSO US!


                                   Future Billionaires suddenly disappear.


                                   S, K and G ponder a bit.


                                   THAT OTHER GUY
            What if we got That Guy Who Wrote Rabbit Hole and 
            That Caroline Or Change Composer to do a Shrek Musical?


                                   STEVEN SPIELBERG
            See, this is why nobody remembers which one you are.






            SCENE: THE CARTOON YOU PAID $100 TO SEE.

                                   Enter a Shrek-Mom and a Shrek-Dad, who
                                   say goodbye to a Tiny Shrek.


                                   SHREK-MOM
            We don't love you, because nobody loves Ogres, not even Ogres.


                                   SHREK-DAD
            And I don't have a Scottish Accent for some reason!  Now
            shoo.


                                   TINY SHREK
            Yeah I'm perfectly okay with all this.


                                   Tiny Shrek walks behind that one
                                   setpiece we'll see move back and forth
                                   between two spots for basically the
                                   entire show.


                                   Then he walks out and he's BIG SHREK!


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES IN A
                                   COSTUME THAT LETS HIM SWIM
                                   IN HIS OWN SWEAT
            Yes, everybody clap because I grew up!


                                   AUDIENCE
            We're clapping because you sat in makeup for two hours. 
            That's talent!


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES IN A
                                   COSTUME THAT DOES THINGS TO
                                   HIS SKIN THAT OIL OF OLAY
                                   CANNOT FIX
            WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME FART?


                                   AUDIENCE
            HOLY SHIT WE DO!


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES BACKED BY
                                   A TERRIBLE SOUNDSYSTEM
                          (farts)


                                   AUDIENCE
            OH MY GOD YAY!






            SCENE: DAVID LYNDSEY ABAIRE TRIES IN VAIN TO FIGURE OUT WHAT
            ONE DOES WITH A CHORUS.


                                   Enter Jonathan Tartaglia, in a terrible
                                   Pinnochio Outfit that he may have made
                                   himself from parts of a Pizza.


                                   JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
                          (pepperoni on his cheeks)
            I'm playing what?  Was he even *in* the movie?


                                   DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
            Um.  I'm pretty sure we didn't even hire you.  You just came
            in one day and started speaking so squeakily that nobody
            could understand you.


                                   JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
                          (now in character)
            Ut inocchio's a uppet and I aaa eee aig a ehaha.


                                   DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
            What the hell are you saying?  Weren't you pretty good in
            Avenue Q?  WAIT DIDN'T I DIRECT YOU IN THAT?


                                   JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
            A ih.


                                   DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
            Oh, are you overcompensating because you don't have a puppet
            in your hand?


                                   JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
                          (nods yes)
                          (and then makes a yes motion
                           with his naked hand as if it
                           had a puppet attached)


                                   Enter a bunch of fairytale characters,
                                   who are here to treat you to some
                                   wonderful cliches!  Like a "shoemaker's
                                   elf".


                                   A "SHOEMAKER'S ELF" DRESSED
                                   IN $50 WORTH OF SALVATION
                                   ARMY CLOTHES
            Um, what the hell am I?


                                   DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
            Sutton Foster's sister-in-law.


                                   And a pig.


                                   BLACK THREE-LITTLE-PIG.
            EIN ZWEI DREI ganja, mon.


                                   ...who is apparently both Jamaican and
                                   German.


                                   Oh, and the Goldilocks Bears.


                                   MAMMA BEAR
            MAMMA'S GOT THE STUFF
            MAMMA'S MOVIN' ON
            MAMMA'S ALL ALONE
            MAMMA DOESN'T CARE...
            MAMMA?... MAMMA....
            Wait really we couldn't come up with an original joke?


                                   BOOKWRITER DAVID LYNDSEY
                                   ABAIRE
            No, sorry, Gypsy it is.  
            Get used to it, we're going to be using that gag quite a lot.


                                        WE'RE TREATED TO A SONG THAT
                                        SOUNDS LIKE IT'S FROM "CHORUS
                                        LINE", AND SUDDENLY WE'RE...






            SCENE: IN A FOREST MADE OF THE SAME SETPIECE MOVING TO THE
            OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE AGAIN.  PROBABLY DURING THE MIDDLE OF
            A SONG.


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
                          (more crappy movie dialogue)
            Look at me I'm a flying donkey!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Ooooh we're going to see Donkey fly onstage!


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
            And I just flew.  
            Offstage.  
            Over there.
            Where you can't see.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES      
                                   [THE GREEN IS FAKE, BUT THE
                                   EYEBROWS ARE *REAL*!]
            Oh, hi Donkey, with a capital D.


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
            Oooooooooooooooooooooo Shrek!  Mah mah you looks faaaahnnn
            today!  Yum yum YUM yum YUM!


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            Are you going to keep doing the entire part like that?


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
                          (bats eyelashes, puckers red
                           red lips)
            Like what, sweetie?


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            Like a Black Man who is Crossdressing.  I don't remember
            Eddie Murphy playing Donkey like he was Ru Paul.


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
            Honey, I don't know what ever you mean!
                          (bevels foot, shakes his hands
                           limply, shuffles around on his
                           tippy toes and shakes his hips 
                           and boo-tay)


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES 
            Donkey, I hate you, probably for homophobic reasons.  Yes,
            that's it.  This musical isn't gay enough.


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
                          (singing)
            OH PLEASE
            PLEASE SHREK DON'T LEAVE ME
            DON'T LEAVE ME SHREK
            DON'T LEAVE ME
            SHREK
            DON'T LEAVE ME SHREK DON'T LEAVE ME
            SHREK DON'T LEAVE ME SHREK
            THESE ARE LYRICS
            THEY WERE WRITTEN BY THE RABBIT HOLE GUY
            NOW I'M GOING TO SEGUE INTO PHRASES STOLEN FROM RENT
            WE HOPE YOU DON'T NOTICE!


                                   BOOKWRITER DAVID LYNDSEY
                                   ABAIRE
                          (checking off his "Broadway
                           Musical Ripoffs" list)
            Ding!


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
            ALSO DIABETES JOKES ARE FUNNY MAYBE!


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
                          (still walking around endlessly
                           in the Two Setpieces Woods)
            Where the hell did we get this forest, THE LEGEND OF ZELDA?






            SCENE: THE CASTLE OF CHRISTOPHER SIEBER.


                                   Enter a bunch of knights who do an
                                   effeminate little bobbing and tinking
                                   bells dance, followed by townsmen who
                                   dress like Audio-Animatronic women.


                                   Behind them is the only reason you
                                   should have came to this show at all:


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            Gay Knight!  Bring me my Fright Wig!


                                   GAY KNIGHT
            You mean the one from Into the Woods?


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            That's the one!


                                   GAY KNIGHT
            And also Spamalot?


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            That's it!


                                   GAY KNIGHT
            And Beauty and The Beast?


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
                          (kind of gay-ly)
            Yes yes we get it.


                                   He sings a gay song that sounds like
                                   whatever gay not-particularly-funny
                                   lyrics popped into David Lyndsey
                                   Abaire's head first while he was
                                   sitting in his fancy Rabbit Hole Pool.


                                   DAVID LYNDSEY ABAIRE
            Ah ha, a Wicked reference!  I'm so clever.


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            Actually I came up w--


                                   DAVID LYNDSEY ABAIRE
            I GET THE CREDIT!  Now say my stolen lines.


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            Okay... Sigh...
            Who wants to see me do that "Do You Know The Muffinman" scene
            from the movie?


                                   AUDIENCE
            Yes, we love that from the movie!
            Please don't change any of it!  We're laughing just because
            we remember how funny it is!


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            Do you know--


                                   AUDIENCE
            AH HA HA HA HA HA MY MEMORIES ARE HILARIOUS!






            SCENE: THE LAYERS OF AN ONION SCENE.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES DOING A
                                   SCOTTISH ACCENT FOR THE
                                   BILLIONTH TIME IN HIS CAREER
            Gay Daniel Breaker, Ogres are like Oni--


                                   AUDIENCE
            BWAH HA HA HA OH MY GOD I LOVE REWARDING THEATER.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES, THE MOST
                                   UNDERUSED ACTOR EVER
            Also a Lion King reference.


                                   DIRECTOR JASON MOORE 
                          (to David Lyndsey Abaire)
            Hand me that checklist, you.






            SCENE: SHREK AND DONKEY AND CHRIS SIEBER SHOOT THE SHIT.


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
                          (on his knees!)
            Go Ogre, and find me Sutton Foster.  I hear she can take any
            piece of crap and make it adorable.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES, HE WHO
                                   IS TIRED OF WORDS BEING
                                   ADDED AFTER HIS NAME
            Argh, Haggis MacBeth Bagpipes Kilt I want my Babyback
            Babyback Babyback, Ribs.


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            That's interesting how you're doing the part very much like
            Mike Meyers.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            Isn't that what you've been doing?


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            What?  No, I made my Prince different than the film.  
            I made mine GAY!  That's what makes my portrayal UNIQUE!
                          (bevels his short fake legs)


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
            Mmm-hmm, sugar!
                          (bats eyelashes, shakes his
                           booty, makes it clear that his
                           donkey costume has a friggin'
                           bikini line)
            You are soooooooo you-neek!


                                   GAY KNIGHTS 
                          (beveling again)
            Youuuuuuu-neek!


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            OH YES AFTER SLAVING AWAY ON MY KNEES SURE GO AHEAD AND
            STEAL MY IDEA.  Assholes.






            SCENE: OUTSIDE THE CASTLE THAT'S HOLDING SUTTON FOSTER.


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
            Help me Shrek this bridge is REALLY RICKETY!


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            It's two feet high and doesn't even swing back and forth.


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
            Oh, I was thinking of the movie.  
            Or the bridge from Phantom.






            SCENE: SUTTON FOSTER'S ABODE.


                                   TINY SUTTON FOSTER
                          (singing)


                                   SMALL SUTTON FOSTER
                          (singing)


                                   LIFE-SIZED SUTTON FOSTER
                          (singing something about bowling?)


                                   TINY & SMALL 
                                   SUTTON FOSTERS
                          (go home for the night)


                                   COMPOSER JENEANE TESORI
            HEY I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO COMPOSE A SONG THAT SOUNDS
            LIKE APPROPRIATE MUSIC FOR FAR-FAR-AWAY LAND AND oh no wait 
            now I forgot again.






            SCENE: INSIDE THE CASTLE.


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
            Help it's a free-floating, overly-literal decapitated animatronic
            dragon's head moving around the stage with a disconnected
            abstract body that's made out of... 
            um... Tampon Showgirls?


                                   DISEMBODIED DRAGON'S HEAD
                          (singing gospel via eight
                           chorus members)
            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
            AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA


                                   ENUNCIATION
                          (is a lost art)


                                   BOOKWRITER DAVID LYNDSEY
                                   ABAIRE
            Wow, we should have every song sung only by the chorus.  Then
            I don't even have to *pretend* to write non-half-assed lyrics
            because nobody understands them!


                                   Shrek rescues Fiona EXACTLY like he
                                   does in the movie.


                                   Except that the Dragon here can't
                                   really chase them, can they?


                                   Oh wait, don't worry it's fine.  
                                   Cause there are DANCING SKELETONS.


                                   DANCING KINDA-GAY SKELETONS
                          (doing cheap Thriller moves)


                                   FIONA, SHREK AND DONKEY AS
                                   SKELETONS FOR SOME REASON
                          (also doing Thriller moves)


                                   BOOKWRITER DAVID LYNDSEY
                                   ABAIRE
            Check.


                                   DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
            It's not a musical, and it doesn't count.






            SCENE: FIONA HAS BEEN RESCUED!


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Thank you for saving me!  Take off your helmet so I can gasp
            at how it is surprising that you're an Ogre, JUST LIKE IN THE
            MOVIE!


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            There's a big giant hole in the front of my helmet where you
            can clearly see where I am GREEN and DEFORMED.  So this
            shouldn't be a shocker to you.
                          (takes off helmet)


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            GASP!  You are GREEN and DEFORMED!


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            I *am* more talented than this.  People realize this
            right?


                                   Shrek sings a Musical Theatre 101 
                                   "I Want" song at the most logical point
                                   to do so: the Act One Finale.






            SCENE: ACT TWO OPENING NUMBER.


                                   We learn that during Fiona's time
                                   locked in the tower, she has had
                                   tapdancing and tambourine lessons.


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Suck it, Cameron Diaz.






            SCENE: FOREST CONFIGURATION B.


                                   Enter yet another Dragged Scene.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES 
            Didn't we just walk past this tree stump like a thousand
            times?  This musical is taking FORRRREEEEEEEEVVVEEEEERRR!


                                   SUTTON FOSTER 
            Stop complaining, I've had a worse life than you.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            Oh yeah?
                          (farts at her)


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (farts back)


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES 
                          (farts harder)
                          (falls in love with her!)


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
                          (farts the hardest!)
                          (also, feels like she
                           understands him now)


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            Jesus, David Lyndsey Abaire can't write a single song that
            moves a plot, but a FART MEDLEY that moves a plot, that he
            can do?






            SCENE: MORE AWESOME CHRISTOPHER SIEBER.


                                   :D






            SCENE: NOBODY WANTS TO SEE DANIEL BREAKER DOING A RAY CHARLES
            IMPRESSION.


                                   Brian D'Arcy James and Sutton Foster
                                   are falling in love.


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
                          (singing)
            I CAN SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING
            AND THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE
            THEY'LL FALL IN LOVE AND HERE'S THE BOTTOM LINE:
                          (*FARTS*)


                                   Audience falls asleep during Brian
                                   D'Arcy James's big 10:27 number.






            SCENE: OBLIGATORY CHORUS SCENE TO JUSTIFY PAYING THEM.


                                   UGLY DUCKING DRESSED IN A
                                   HEFTY GARBAGE BAG
            Hey, we were promised we'd be in this musical!


                                   COUNTRY BEARS JAMBOREE
            Yeah!


                                   THE TRAVELOCITY GNOME
            Maybe they're not featuring us because we're not gay enough?


                                   CROSSDRESSING WOLF WEARING A
                                   BRIGHT RED 80S PROM DRESS
            *I'm* gay enough.


                                   15% OF AUDIENCE
            Ha.  Ha.


                                   JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
            Hey, that's it!  If we gay up Shrek The Musical just a little
            MORE, then we'll be indispensable!  


                                   A PARTICULARLY ABUSED
                                   LOOKING FAIRY
                          (doing a poor job as a
                           gingerbread-man ventriloquist)
            A little MORE?


                                   They sing a song called "Let Your Freak
                                   Flag Fly".


                                   FUN FACT: Did you know that David
                                   Lyndsey Abaire and Jeneane Tesori
                                   thought that this was going to be a gay
                                   anthem?


                                   Yup!  They thought that the cast of
                                   HAIR would be down in D.C. using a
                                   SHREK: THE MUSICAL song as their
                                   mantra!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Really?  Is that true?


                                   JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
            I'M WOOD, I'M GOOD, GET USED TO IT!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Holy shit.






            SCENE: EVEN MORE CHRISTOPHER SIEBER!  ALSO, OTHER PEOPLE.


                                   PRIEST
            MAWWIAGE...
            MAWWIAGE IS WHAT BWING US TOGETHEW TOODAY
            MAWWIAGE, THAT BWESSED AWWANGEMENT
            THAT DWEAM WITHIN A DWEAM...


                                   Ah, sorry about that.  There's nothing
                                   nearly that funny in this musical.


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            It's too late for you Shrek!  I'm going to marry Sutton
            Foster and not you nor Christian Borle nor anybody can stop
            me!


                                   DANIEL BREAKER
                          (playing with his weave)
            Oh yeah?


                                   Shrek whistles, and for some reason he
                                   is now able to summon the formerly-
                                   menacing-but-now-inexplicably-friendly
                                   Dragon which "breaks" the window into
                                   large pieces (so that they can be
                                   easily reassembled so that they can
                                   "break" again when the next flumeride
                                   cart of guests passes by).


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            AND NOW YOU CAN APPLAUD!


                                   The audience actually doesn't!


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            And now it's time for all of us to learn that important age
            old cliche lesson: It's not what's outside, IT'S THE INSIDE
            THAT COUNTS!  
                          (under breath)
            Not that this musical had much inside... 
                          (more adorable-ing)
            BUT LET US MARRY, my strange-looking but sweet and funny love.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            Yes Sutton, we will be happy for many more sequels that will
            never ever have stage versi--


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            Um, I wasn't talking about you.


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            She was talking about *me*.


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            B-B-But... what about... don't judge a book--


                                   CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
            Right.  I'm short.  


                                   SUTTON FOSTER
            And he's fricking hilarious.  It's what's inside that counts. 
            Come on, you'd choose Christopher Sieber too, wouldn't you?


                                   BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
            Would I!  Is "Shrek The Musical" gayer than a french horn?


                                   Poor Sutton Foster, Brian D'Arcy James,
                                   and Christopher Sieber are trudged
                                   onstage to desparately sing a 
                                   GODDAMN MONKEES SONG.  

                                   (Due to "popular demand", of course.)


                                   CAST OF SHREK
            Please come see us?
            Oh god won't anybody come see us?


                                        BLACKOUT.

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