SHREK ABRIDGED
OR
HOW GAY CAN WE MAKE A DREAMWORKS FILM?
A "Broadway Abridged" Script
By Gil Varod and Eva Belich
SCENE: THE DREAMWORKS SKG STUDIO, THREE YEARS AGO.
Steven Spielberg, Jeffrey Katzenberg
and...
that other guy...
are sitting discussing the creation of
Dreamworks Theatrical.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
...and then we'll have Jews.
JEFFREY KATZENBERG
And when they finish doing the Hora--
A flash of lightning. From the shadows
emerge three darker, older, and
slightly more overweight figures.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Who are you?
FUTURE JEFFREY KATZENBERG
It is I, Future Jeffrey Katzenberg, with terrible news from
The Future.
NOT-FUTURE JEFFREY
KATZENBERG
(handing Future Jeffrey
Katzenberg a Diet Coke)
What is it, Future Jeffrey Katzenberg? Please tell us!
FUTURE JEFFREY KATZENBERG
(graciously accepting Diet Coke)
In the future, Dreamworks will seek a new film distribution
partner. And when the dust has settled, only one terrible
foe will be left standing.
FUTURE THAT OTHER GUY
Dreamworks' distribution will be handled by...
THE WALT DISNEY CORPORATION.
NOT-FUTURE GUYS
(in hilarious unison)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Whatever can we do to stop this unconscionable catastrophe?
FUTURE STEVEN SPIELBERG
You must come up with a reason for Dreamworks to no longer be
attractive enough for takeover. DO NOT FAIL ME!... ALSO US!
Future Billionaires suddenly disappear.
S, K and G ponder a bit.
THAT OTHER GUY
What if we got That Guy Who Wrote Rabbit Hole and
That Caroline Or Change Composer to do a Shrek Musical?
STEVEN SPIELBERG
See, this is why nobody remembers which one you are.
SCENE: THE CARTOON YOU PAID $100 TO SEE.
Enter a Shrek-Mom and a Shrek-Dad, who
say goodbye to a Tiny Shrek.
SHREK-MOM
We don't love you, because nobody loves Ogres, not even Ogres.
SHREK-DAD
And I don't have a Scottish Accent for some reason! Now
shoo.
TINY SHREK
Yeah I'm perfectly okay with all this.
Tiny Shrek walks behind that one
setpiece we'll see move back and forth
between two spots for basically the
entire show.
Then he walks out and he's BIG SHREK!
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES IN A
COSTUME THAT LETS HIM SWIM
IN HIS OWN SWEAT
Yes, everybody clap because I grew up!
AUDIENCE
We're clapping because you sat in makeup for two hours.
That's talent!
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES IN A
COSTUME THAT DOES THINGS TO
HIS SKIN THAT OIL OF OLAY
CANNOT FIX
WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME FART?
AUDIENCE
HOLY SHIT WE DO!
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES BACKED BY
A TERRIBLE SOUNDSYSTEM
(farts)
AUDIENCE
OH MY GOD YAY!
SCENE: DAVID LYNDSEY ABAIRE TRIES IN VAIN TO FIGURE OUT WHAT
ONE DOES WITH A CHORUS.
Enter Jonathan Tartaglia, in a terrible
Pinnochio Outfit that he may have made
himself from parts of a Pizza.
JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
(pepperoni on his cheeks)
I'm playing what? Was he even *in* the movie?
DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
Um. I'm pretty sure we didn't even hire you. You just came
in one day and started speaking so squeakily that nobody
could understand you.
JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
(now in character)
Ut inocchio's a uppet and I aaa eee aig a ehaha.
DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
What the hell are you saying? Weren't you pretty good in
Avenue Q? WAIT DIDN'T I DIRECT YOU IN THAT?
JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
A ih.
DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
Oh, are you overcompensating because you don't have a puppet
in your hand?
JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
(nods yes)
(and then makes a yes motion
with his naked hand as if it
had a puppet attached)
Enter a bunch of fairytale characters,
who are here to treat you to some
wonderful cliches! Like a "shoemaker's
elf".
A "SHOEMAKER'S ELF" DRESSED
IN $50 WORTH OF SALVATION
ARMY CLOTHES
Um, what the hell am I?
DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
Sutton Foster's sister-in-law.
And a pig.
BLACK THREE-LITTLE-PIG.
EIN ZWEI DREI ganja, mon.
...who is apparently both Jamaican and
German.
Oh, and the Goldilocks Bears.
MAMMA BEAR
MAMMA'S GOT THE STUFF
MAMMA'S MOVIN' ON
MAMMA'S ALL ALONE
MAMMA DOESN'T CARE...
MAMMA?... MAMMA....
Wait really we couldn't come up with an original joke?
BOOKWRITER DAVID LYNDSEY
ABAIRE
No, sorry, Gypsy it is.
Get used to it, we're going to be using that gag quite a lot.
WE'RE TREATED TO A SONG THAT
SOUNDS LIKE IT'S FROM "CHORUS
LINE", AND SUDDENLY WE'RE...
SCENE: IN A FOREST MADE OF THE SAME SETPIECE MOVING TO THE
OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE AGAIN. PROBABLY DURING THE MIDDLE OF
A SONG.
DANIEL BREAKER
(more crappy movie dialogue)
Look at me I'm a flying donkey!
AUDIENCE
Ooooh we're going to see Donkey fly onstage!
DANIEL BREAKER
And I just flew.
Offstage.
Over there.
Where you can't see.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
[THE GREEN IS FAKE, BUT THE
EYEBROWS ARE *REAL*!]
Oh, hi Donkey, with a capital D.
DANIEL BREAKER
Oooooooooooooooooooooo Shrek! Mah mah you looks faaaahnnn
today! Yum yum YUM yum YUM!
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
Are you going to keep doing the entire part like that?
DANIEL BREAKER
(bats eyelashes, puckers red
red lips)
Like what, sweetie?
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
Like a Black Man who is Crossdressing. I don't remember
Eddie Murphy playing Donkey like he was Ru Paul.
DANIEL BREAKER
Honey, I don't know what ever you mean!
(bevels foot, shakes his hands
limply, shuffles around on his
tippy toes and shakes his hips
and boo-tay)
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
Donkey, I hate you, probably for homophobic reasons. Yes,
that's it. This musical isn't gay enough.
DANIEL BREAKER
(singing)
OH PLEASE
PLEASE SHREK DON'T LEAVE ME
DON'T LEAVE ME SHREK
DON'T LEAVE ME
SHREK
DON'T LEAVE ME SHREK DON'T LEAVE ME
SHREK DON'T LEAVE ME SHREK
THESE ARE LYRICS
THEY WERE WRITTEN BY THE RABBIT HOLE GUY
NOW I'M GOING TO SEGUE INTO PHRASES STOLEN FROM RENT
WE HOPE YOU DON'T NOTICE!
BOOKWRITER DAVID LYNDSEY
ABAIRE
(checking off his "Broadway
Musical Ripoffs" list)
Ding!
DANIEL BREAKER
ALSO DIABETES JOKES ARE FUNNY MAYBE!
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
(still walking around endlessly
in the Two Setpieces Woods)
Where the hell did we get this forest, THE LEGEND OF ZELDA?
SCENE: THE CASTLE OF CHRISTOPHER SIEBER.
Enter a bunch of knights who do an
effeminate little bobbing and tinking
bells dance, followed by townsmen who
dress like Audio-Animatronic women.
Behind them is the only reason you
should have came to this show at all:
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
Gay Knight! Bring me my Fright Wig!
GAY KNIGHT
You mean the one from Into the Woods?
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
That's the one!
GAY KNIGHT
And also Spamalot?
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
That's it!
GAY KNIGHT
And Beauty and The Beast?
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
(kind of gay-ly)
Yes yes we get it.
He sings a gay song that sounds like
whatever gay not-particularly-funny
lyrics popped into David Lyndsey
Abaire's head first while he was
sitting in his fancy Rabbit Hole Pool.
DAVID LYNDSEY ABAIRE
Ah ha, a Wicked reference! I'm so clever.
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
Actually I came up w--
DAVID LYNDSEY ABAIRE
I GET THE CREDIT! Now say my stolen lines.
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
Okay... Sigh...
Who wants to see me do that "Do You Know The Muffinman" scene
from the movie?
AUDIENCE
Yes, we love that from the movie!
Please don't change any of it! We're laughing just because
we remember how funny it is!
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
Do you know--
AUDIENCE
AH HA HA HA HA HA MY MEMORIES ARE HILARIOUS!
SCENE: THE LAYERS OF AN ONION SCENE.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES DOING A
SCOTTISH ACCENT FOR THE
BILLIONTH TIME IN HIS CAREER
Gay Daniel Breaker, Ogres are like Oni--
AUDIENCE
BWAH HA HA HA OH MY GOD I LOVE REWARDING THEATER.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES, THE MOST
UNDERUSED ACTOR EVER
Also a Lion King reference.
DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
(to David Lyndsey Abaire)
Hand me that checklist, you.
SCENE: SHREK AND DONKEY AND CHRIS SIEBER SHOOT THE SHIT.
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
(on his knees!)
Go Ogre, and find me Sutton Foster. I hear she can take any
piece of crap and make it adorable.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES, HE WHO
IS TIRED OF WORDS BEING
ADDED AFTER HIS NAME
Argh, Haggis MacBeth Bagpipes Kilt I want my Babyback
Babyback Babyback, Ribs.
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
That's interesting how you're doing the part very much like
Mike Meyers.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
Isn't that what you've been doing?
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
What? No, I made my Prince different than the film.
I made mine GAY! That's what makes my portrayal UNIQUE!
(bevels his short fake legs)
DANIEL BREAKER
Mmm-hmm, sugar!
(bats eyelashes, shakes his
booty, makes it clear that his
donkey costume has a friggin'
bikini line)
You are soooooooo you-neek!
GAY KNIGHTS
(beveling again)
Youuuuuuu-neek!
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
OH YES AFTER SLAVING AWAY ON MY KNEES SURE GO AHEAD AND
STEAL MY IDEA. Assholes.
SCENE: OUTSIDE THE CASTLE THAT'S HOLDING SUTTON FOSTER.
DANIEL BREAKER
Help me Shrek this bridge is REALLY RICKETY!
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
It's two feet high and doesn't even swing back and forth.
DANIEL BREAKER
Oh, I was thinking of the movie.
Or the bridge from Phantom.
SCENE: SUTTON FOSTER'S ABODE.
TINY SUTTON FOSTER
(singing)
SMALL SUTTON FOSTER
(singing)
LIFE-SIZED SUTTON FOSTER
(singing something about bowling?)
TINY & SMALL
SUTTON FOSTERS
(go home for the night)
COMPOSER JENEANE TESORI
HEY I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO COMPOSE A SONG THAT SOUNDS
LIKE APPROPRIATE MUSIC FOR FAR-FAR-AWAY LAND AND oh no wait
now I forgot again.
SCENE: INSIDE THE CASTLE.
DANIEL BREAKER
Help it's a free-floating, overly-literal decapitated animatronic
dragon's head moving around the stage with a disconnected
abstract body that's made out of...
um... Tampon Showgirls?
DISEMBODIED DRAGON'S HEAD
(singing gospel via eight
chorus members)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
ENUNCIATION
(is a lost art)
BOOKWRITER DAVID LYNDSEY
ABAIRE
Wow, we should have every song sung only by the chorus. Then
I don't even have to *pretend* to write non-half-assed lyrics
because nobody understands them!
Shrek rescues Fiona EXACTLY like he
does in the movie.
Except that the Dragon here can't
really chase them, can they?
Oh wait, don't worry it's fine.
Cause there are DANCING SKELETONS.
DANCING KINDA-GAY SKELETONS
(doing cheap Thriller moves)
FIONA, SHREK AND DONKEY AS
SKELETONS FOR SOME REASON
(also doing Thriller moves)
BOOKWRITER DAVID LYNDSEY
ABAIRE
Check.
DIRECTOR JASON MOORE
It's not a musical, and it doesn't count.
SCENE: FIONA HAS BEEN RESCUED!
SUTTON FOSTER
Thank you for saving me! Take off your helmet so I can gasp
at how it is surprising that you're an Ogre, JUST LIKE IN THE
MOVIE!
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
There's a big giant hole in the front of my helmet where you
can clearly see where I am GREEN and DEFORMED. So this
shouldn't be a shocker to you.
(takes off helmet)
SUTTON FOSTER
GASP! You are GREEN and DEFORMED!
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
I *am* more talented than this. People realize this
right?
Shrek sings a Musical Theatre 101
"I Want" song at the most logical point
to do so: the Act One Finale.
SCENE: ACT TWO OPENING NUMBER.
We learn that during Fiona's time
locked in the tower, she has had
tapdancing and tambourine lessons.
SUTTON FOSTER
Suck it, Cameron Diaz.
SCENE: FOREST CONFIGURATION B.
Enter yet another Dragged Scene.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
Didn't we just walk past this tree stump like a thousand
times? This musical is taking FORRRREEEEEEEEVVVEEEEERRR!
SUTTON FOSTER
Stop complaining, I've had a worse life than you.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
Oh yeah?
(farts at her)
SUTTON FOSTER
(farts back)
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
(farts harder)
(falls in love with her!)
SUTTON FOSTER
(farts the hardest!)
(also, feels like she
understands him now)
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
Jesus, David Lyndsey Abaire can't write a single song that
moves a plot, but a FART MEDLEY that moves a plot, that he
can do?
SCENE: MORE AWESOME CHRISTOPHER SIEBER.
:D
SCENE: NOBODY WANTS TO SEE DANIEL BREAKER DOING A RAY CHARLES
IMPRESSION.
Brian D'Arcy James and Sutton Foster
are falling in love.
DANIEL BREAKER
(singing)
I CAN SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING
AND THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE
THEY'LL FALL IN LOVE AND HERE'S THE BOTTOM LINE:
(*FARTS*)
Audience falls asleep during Brian
D'Arcy James's big 10:27 number.
SCENE: OBLIGATORY CHORUS SCENE TO JUSTIFY PAYING THEM.
UGLY DUCKING DRESSED IN A
HEFTY GARBAGE BAG
Hey, we were promised we'd be in this musical!
COUNTRY BEARS JAMBOREE
Yeah!
THE TRAVELOCITY GNOME
Maybe they're not featuring us because we're not gay enough?
CROSSDRESSING WOLF WEARING A
BRIGHT RED 80S PROM DRESS
*I'm* gay enough.
15% OF AUDIENCE
Ha. Ha.
JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
Hey, that's it! If we gay up Shrek The Musical just a little
MORE, then we'll be indispensable!
A PARTICULARLY ABUSED
LOOKING FAIRY
(doing a poor job as a
gingerbread-man ventriloquist)
A little MORE?
They sing a song called "Let Your Freak
Flag Fly".
FUN FACT: Did you know that David
Lyndsey Abaire and Jeneane Tesori
thought that this was going to be a gay
anthem?
Yup! They thought that the cast of
HAIR would be down in D.C. using a
SHREK: THE MUSICAL song as their
mantra!
AUDIENCE
Really? Is that true?
JONATHAN TARTAGLIA
I'M WOOD, I'M GOOD, GET USED TO IT!
AUDIENCE
Holy shit.
SCENE: EVEN MORE CHRISTOPHER SIEBER! ALSO, OTHER PEOPLE.
PRIEST
MAWWIAGE...
MAWWIAGE IS WHAT BWING US TOGETHEW TOODAY
MAWWIAGE, THAT BWESSED AWWANGEMENT
THAT DWEAM WITHIN A DWEAM...
Ah, sorry about that. There's nothing
nearly that funny in this musical.
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
It's too late for you Shrek! I'm going to marry Sutton
Foster and not you nor Christian Borle nor anybody can stop
me!
DANIEL BREAKER
(playing with his weave)
Oh yeah?
Shrek whistles, and for some reason he
is now able to summon the formerly-
menacing-but-now-inexplicably-friendly
Dragon which "breaks" the window into
large pieces (so that they can be
easily reassembled so that they can
"break" again when the next flumeride
cart of guests passes by).
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
AND NOW YOU CAN APPLAUD!
The audience actually doesn't!
SUTTON FOSTER
And now it's time for all of us to learn that important age
old cliche lesson: It's not what's outside, IT'S THE INSIDE
THAT COUNTS!
(under breath)
Not that this musical had much inside...
(more adorable-ing)
BUT LET US MARRY, my strange-looking but sweet and funny love.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
Yes Sutton, we will be happy for many more sequels that will
never ever have stage versi--
SUTTON FOSTER
Um, I wasn't talking about you.
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
She was talking about *me*.
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
B-B-But... what about... don't judge a book--
CHRISTOPHER SIEBER
Right. I'm short.
SUTTON FOSTER
And he's fricking hilarious. It's what's inside that counts.
Come on, you'd choose Christopher Sieber too, wouldn't you?
BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES
Would I! Is "Shrek The Musical" gayer than a french horn?
Poor Sutton Foster, Brian D'Arcy James,
and Christopher Sieber are trudged
onstage to desparately sing a
GODDAMN MONKEES SONG.
(Due to "popular demand", of course.)
CAST OF SHREK
Please come see us?
Oh god won't anybody come see us?
BLACKOUT.
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