Spamalot: Abridged


                         SPAMALOT, BY (17% OF) MONTY PYTHON
                             A Broadway Abridged Script
                                                            By Gil Varod

                                   Enter Mel Brooks, the Chatterbox of
                                   Broadway.

                                   MEL BROOKS
            Welcome back to Part 2 of 2 in, 
            "MUSICALS THIS SEASON THAT WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE
            DEFINITELY THE NEXT PRODUCERS".  
            To explain tonight's entry in this season's crop of Broadway
            Musicals that are MOVIE RIPOFFS, exist solely on CRUDE HUMOR,
            make CLICHE jokes about Jewish/French people, show off lots
            of CLEAVAGE, force secondary characters into the plot where
            they don't seem to FIT, and feature a celebrity lead actor
            who has decided to play HIMSELF instead of the WRITTEN
            CHARACTER....
                          (breathes a moment)
            Then it's necessary that we take you to re-experience a
            little moment that Former Monty Pythoner ERIC IDLE had on a
            very special night so many years ago...





            SCENE: ST. JAMES THEATRE, 2001

                                   It is Opening Night of "The Producers". 
                                   ERIC IDLE is sitting next to MEL
                                   BROOKS.

                                   ERIC IDLE
            Wow Mel Brooks... taking a cult-classic movie, turning it
            into a self-referential musical, and creating a long-running
            Broadway hit?  I should STEAL that idea!

                                   MEL BROOKS
            Why not?  John Cleese still acts, Terry Gilliam is an
            accomplished director, Michael Palin has come out with a
            wonderful travel series and Terry Jones has moved to
            writing.... SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST CONTINUE TO DO WHAT YOU
            HAVE ALWAYS DONE BEST?

                                   ERIC IDLE
            Um, which is?

                                   MEL BROOKS
                          (snickers)
            Forever capitalizing on your Monty Python Success, and little
            else.

                                   THE ORIGINAL MOVIE
            Oh no... please don't taint me...





            SCENE: SHUBERT THEATRE, FIVE YEARS LATER.

                                   Not-very Python-sounding (but
                                   *supposedly* British) TIM CURRY steps
                                   onto the stage as King Arthur.

                                   THE ORIGINAL MOVIE
            Sigh, too late.

                                   TIM CURRY
            Lookame!  I'm Tim Curry!

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
            No Curry, remember, you're playing Arthur... did you even
            just once WATCH Graham Chapman's flawless performance on DVD
            like I asked you to?

                                   TIM CURRY
            Hiya everybody, I'm Tim Frickin' Curry!  Look at how Tim
            Curry-ish I can be!

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
            Sigh.  Just... do the scenes, do the scenes.





            SCENE: THE "SWALLOWS CAN'T FLY COCONUTS" SCENE.

                                   GUARD
            Who goes there?

                                   TIM CURRY
            It is I, Tim Curry! King of the Rocky Horror freaks, star of
            cinema hits such as "Clue", Broadway Actor that apparently
            has lost most of his comedic verve, and owner of these BIG
            WHITE TEETH!
                          (flashes grin)

                                   GUARD
            Where'd you get the coconut?

                                   Audience claps at this introduction to
                                   the memorable skit, even though nothing
                                   funny has happened yet.

                                   AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO AREN'T
                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
            Wha??????

                                   GUARD
            The coconut's tropical!  This is a temperate zone.

                                   The cast continues to play out one of
                                   the movie's most memorable scenes in a
                                   recreation that is just as funny as the
                                   scene's counterpart in the film... or
                                   even perhaps moreso because it is live.

                                   Unfortunately, this is really the LAST
                                   TIME THIS WILL BE TRUE.





            SCENE: THE "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD SCENE".

                                   A Mortician and a Peasant are onstage,
                                   both *definitely* not being played by
                                   British people with British speech
                                   patterns.

                                   MORTICIAN
            Bring out yer dead!

                                   PEASANT
            Here you are.

                                   DEAD PERSON
            I'm not dead yet!

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            Wow, they really do a great job recreating the movie's best
            scenes with all of its wonderful Monty Python timing and--

                                   DEAD PERSON
                          (singing)
            I AM NOT YET DEAD!

                                   The dead person begins to now sing
                                   about how he isn't dead, taking a joke
                                   that lasted a solid, compact 90 seconds
                                   in the movie and stretching it out over
                                   the course of a five-minute song.

                                   THE CAST
                          (dancing)
            Lookatus!  It's funny because we're making fun of how
            Broadway shows have BIG ELABORATE SHOWBIZ NUMBERS!

                                   HANK AZARIA
                          (as MORTICIAN)
            Bring out your dead!  By the way, my name is Lancelot, and I
            want to be a Knight of the Round Table! 

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            Hey... how come the "bring out your dead" guy is now actually
            Sir Lancelot?

                                   ERIC IDLE
            Well, in turning "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" into a
            musical, I had to find a through-line and make the scenes
            taking place make more sense in relation to each other.  See,
            I took what was once SKETCH and created CONTINUITY!  I took
            what was once SENSELESS RANDOMNESS and made it COHESIVE
            BROADWAYNESS!

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            YOU MADE MONTY PYTHON COHESIVE?!?!?!





            SCENE: THE "YOU'RE A KING?  WELL I DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU!"
            SCENE.

                                   More scenes from the movie are being
                                   played out between Tim Curry and
                                   POLITICAL PEASANT, but again not as
                                   well.

                                   POLITICAL PEASANT
            Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the
            masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

                                   TIM CURRY
                          (teethily... 
                           or would that be toothily?)
            Well political peasant, if I could show you the Lady of the
            Lake who gave me the sword Excaliber, would you join me as a
            Knight of the Round Table?

                                   POLITICAL PEASANT
            Sure.  By the way, my name is Sir Galahad!  
                          (grins, aside:)
            Yes, I'm both Sir Galahad *and* the Political Peasant! 
            Another "cohesive through-line", you see.

                                   Enter also-not-British SARAH RAMIREZ as
                                   The Lady of the Lake.

                                   SARAH RAMIREZ
            Lookame!  I'm the only girl in this show, and the new
            addition of a "main female" to "Holy Grail" is going to be
            FORCED DOWN YOUR THROAT!

                                   Sarah Ramirez and Political Peasant
                                   Galahad sail down the stage in a boat a
                                   la Christine and Phantom from "Phantom
                                   of the Opera", while they sing a song
                                   making fun of generic Andrew Lloyd
                                   Webber songs.

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
            Sigh, it's a good thing that the Phantom Movie just came out,
            because otherwise the ripping-off of it will look like it's
            ten years too late!

                                   FORIBIDDEN BROADWAY CREATOR
                                   GERARD ALESSANDRINI
            Ripping off the Phantom Movie?  Wait, what about *me*?  At
            what point do you begin admitting you're blatantly ripping
            off of *my* stuff?

                                   Ah, well... 
                                   Sorry about that, Mr. Alessandrini.

                                   FORIBIDDEN BROADWAY CREATOR
                                   GERARD ALESSANDRINI
            No, I didn't mean you--
                          (pause)
            Okay, well, you too...





            SCENE: A BLANK STAGE.

                                   All of the actors just stand in a flat
                                   line, kinda like they do for 85% of the
                                   musical.

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
            Wow, you'd think I'd know what to do with my actors... I am
            Mike Nichols, after all.

                                   HISTORIAN
            And so, King Arthur set off on his quest, along with Sir
            Lancelot the BRAVE-BUT-APPARENTLY-NOT-CHARACTERIZED-AS-BRAVE,
            Sir Galahad the WAS-CHASTE-IN-THE-MOVIE-BUT-NOT-HERE-BECAUSE
            HIS-FUNNY-CASTLE-ANTHRAX-SCENE-IS-NO-MORE, 
            Sir Robin the not-so-brave, Sir Bedevere the HAS-NO-LINES,
            and Sir-not-appearing-in-this-play.

                                   On this last line, Don Quixote enters
                                   with the Golden Helmet of Mambrino.

                                   MUSICAL THEATRE FANS 
                                   IN THE AUDIENCE (17%)
            Ha ha ha!  It's a Man of La Mancha reference!  Tee-hee!

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE (83%)
            Man of what what what?

                                   TIM CURRY
            We are the Knights of Camelot,
            AND WE'RE ALL FOR ONE,
            AND ONE FOR ALL,
            AND WE MUST BAND TOGETHER,
            TO FACE DANGER...

                                   TRIED AND TRUE MONTY PYTHON
                                   COMEDIC PACING
            Why is it that every other time a song starts up, I'm
            entirely ignored?

                                   TIM CURRY
            Let us journey to Camelot!

                                   GALLAHAD
            Camelot!

                                   HANK AZARIA
            Camelot!

                                   PATSY
            It's only a model.

                                   TIM CURRY
            Actually... you don't say that.  That's one of the DOZENS of
            comedic gems of a line from the movie that fans will expect
            and be disappointed to not hear in this musical.  Because in
            this version... IT'S A REPLICA OF THE EXCALIBUR HOTEL IN
            VEGAS!





            SCENE: APPARENTLY, THE EXCALIBER HOTEL IN VEGAS.

                                   The Knights are singing "Camelot" in a
                                   set that looks like a casino.

                                   THE CAST
                          (dancing bad choreography)
            Lookatus!  It's funny because we're making fun of how
            Broadway shows have BIG ELABORATE SHOWBIZ NUMBERS!

                                   TIM CURRY
            Look, I'm dancing too!

                                   He tap-dances while Patsy clicks
                                   coconuts to make tap sounds.

                                   TIM CURRY
            It's funny because it's me, Tim Curry, pretending I'm
            dancing!  Everybody knows Tim Curry doesn't dance!

                                   ONE OF THE KNIGHTS
            And now, pointlessly singing another number because Eric Idle
            insisted that he HAD to FORCE a female "lead" into this show,
            it is the LADY OF THE LAKE!

                                   SARAH RAMIREZ
                          (sings, nobody knows why)
            LOOKAME!  I STOPPED THE ENTIRE SHOW FOR THE POINTLESS PURPOSE
            OF ME IMITATING BARBARA STREISAND!

                                   MEL BROOKS
                          (bored)
            Idle, where's that guy in the dungeon who claps along?  That
            was hilarious.

                                   ERIC IDLE
            It didn't fit in the musical.

                                   MEL BROOKS
            What do you mean?

                                   ERIC IDLE
            Listen, Camelot is no longer a real castle in this version;
            it's more like Cinderella's Castle in Disney World.  How
            would we work the dungeon guy in?

                                   MEL BROOKS
            I put a reference to the Producers Movie's Lincoln Center
            Fountain in my musical's adaptation; it's not like you can't
            find SOME way.

                                   ERIC IDLE
            But that's pointless self-referentialism!

                                   The giant foot from the Monty Python TV
                                   show lands on the stage.

                                   EVERY ACTOR IN THE MUSICAL
            Blah blah blah DEAD PARROT 
            blah blah ALBATROSS 
            blah blah I'LL HAVE SPAM SPAM SPAM 
            blah blah SUSPENDERS AND A BRA!

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            Ha ha!  I'm laughing because these references to other Monty
            Python skits remind me how funny those skits were, even
            though the references aren't actually funny in this context!

                                   MEL BROOKS
            What were you saying about self-referentialism now?

                                   ERIC IDLE
            Well, at least when Tim Curry leaves, *my* show isn't going
            to go to hell for being so actor-specific.

                                   MEL BROOKS
                          (sulks)





            





            SCENE: THE "FRENCH CASTLE" SCENE.

                                   SIR BEDEVERE
            In order to get to the french people, we'll use my secret
            weapon, a wooden trojan bunny!

                                   A giant wooden bunny is rolled onstage.  

                                   This is perhaps the finest set-piece
                                   ever devised by mankind.

                                   SIR BEDEVERE
            Now we just have to leave it here and hide.

                                   They DO.

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            Hey, wait a minute.  Why is Bedevere already there?  Is there
            no "Burn the witch" scene?

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
            Actually, we had a song in Chicago about burning the witch,
            but we cut it because it wasn't working.

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            And so you removed it entire, and didn't even consider
            replacing it with a re-enactment of what is possibly the best
            scene in the original movie?

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
            It's all about cutting!  Cut cut cut!  I'll keep cutting this
            show until it becomes a one-act!





            SCENE: INSIDE THE FRENCH CASTLE.

                                   Hank Azaria is onstage, still doing an
                                   amazingly great job of ADDING TO THE
                                   CHARACTERS HE PLAYS.  And, he does it
                                   all without being British!

                                   He is followed by a mime, Eponine from
                                   Les Miserables, and many other french
                                   people.

                                   HANK AZARIA
                          (being French and awesome)
            Why is zere a big wooden bunni here?  Let's take eet inside
            ze castle.

                                   They go back into the castle with the
                                   rabbit, leaving only Eponine onstage to
                                   sing:

                                   EPONINE FROM LES MISERABLES
                          (singing whinily)
            ON MY OWN,
            WITH NOBODY A--

                                   Mid-lyric, she is suddenly, bloodily
                                   shot.

                                   Audience laughs.

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
            Stop stop!  None of that.  We'll just have her walk on and
            let the majority of the audience never realize that it was
            Eponine.  Go on, shoo, leave the joke's set-up without the
            payoff.

                                   Actress playing Eponine leaves,
                                   deprived of what could have been the
                                   funniest scene in the show.

                                   HANK AZARIA
            We must now catapult a cow over the castle!

                                   They do.  

                                   It looks like the sort of squishy
                                   crappy doll that you win at a state
                                   fair.

                                   Therefore when it falls, it's got a lot
                                   more "lame" and a lot less less
                                   "funny".

                                   TIM CURRY
            But that doesn't even look the least bit threateni--
                          (sighs, sings)
            RUN AWAY,
            RUN AWAY,
            RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUN AWAY...

                                   They basically keep singing these two
                                   words for another 2 minutes while
                                   running in place.  Then, the curtain
                                   falls.

                                   THE CURTAIN
            Boy do I miss the days where I fell at the high point of a
            musical.





            SCENE: INTERMISSION

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            So wait... you had an entire scene with French people... and
            NO real jokes about the French?

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
            Actually, we had a song in Chicago where the Cow sang about
            being French, but we cut it because it wasn't working.

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            And you instead replaced it with... ?

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
                          (silence)

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            There's such a thing as "fine-tuning", you know.  Or
            "rewrites".  Maybe get Eric Idle to do a rewrite.

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
                          (sighs)
            ...I can't.

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            Why not?

                                   DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
            Idle is at the pub down the street singing silly drinking
            songs with Douglas Sills.

                                   DOUGLAS SILLS
                          (peeking his head)
            OH...
                          (singing drunkenly:)
            FIRST WITH THE PART OF ASSASSINS' "BOOTH"
            I TURNED DOWN THE TONY ROLE,
            TO BE IN A VERSION OF "LITTLE SHOP"
            THAT CRITICS TORCHED LIKE COAL!

            THEN I WALKED OUT OF "GALLAHAD"
            FOR SHOW BOOKED THROUGH NEXT YEAR,
            NO I DON'T HAVE ANY ABILITY
            TO MAKE CHOICES IN MY CAREER!
                          (stumbles out)





            SCENE: A SCENE THAT ISN'T IN THE MOVIE.  AND FOR GOOD REASON.

                                   TIM CURRY
            Boy, all my men are now gone, and I'm all alone with you,
            Patsy.  Even though my character never has any moments of non
            teeth-related emotion or anything, I'm going to forcibly say
            that I'M DEPRESSED.
                          (pause)
            I'm depressed.
                          (pause)
            Gee, you'd figure an accomplished actor could make my being
            depressed FUNNY.

                                   PATSY
            God knows how a character with no DESIRES, WANTS or NEEDS can
            get depressed.  Why don't we sing the song "Always Look On
            the Bright Side of Life" from Monty Python and the Life of
            Brian?  Singing a funny song like that should cheer you up
            real good.

                                   TIM CURRY
            Um... I thought the reason that the song was funny in Life of
            Brian was because it was a cheery song sung by people dying
            on crosses after being crucif--

                                   MALE CHORUS
                          (devoid of any irony)
            ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            Ah ha ha!  Once again, I'm enjoying the forced insertion of
            this song because it reminds me how funny the song was in a
            totally different and much funnier context!

                                   Male chorus dances with Umbrellas,
                                   doing another numbing "showbiz number".

                                   SUSAN STROMAN
            They are dancing...  And with props...  And it's not funny! 
            WHY am *I* not choreographing this "dancing with props" show?

                                   CHOREOGRAPHER CASEY NICHOLAW
            Because *I* am.  In my Broadway debut!

                                   SUSAN STROMAN
            Yeah, about that... HOW did you nab this gig?

                                   CHOREOGRAPHER CASEY NICHOLAW
            Because I choreograph genius comedy moves like this!

                                   In unison, the male chorus drops their
                                   umbrellas as if they all screwed up at
                                   the same time, then pick them up very
                                   quickly as if nothing happened.

                                   SUSAN STROMAN
            Where's the moment where they get sad for having screwed up? 
            It's not funny!

                                   THE CAST
            Sure it's funny, because we're making fun of how Broadway
            shows have BIG ELABORATE SHOWBIZ NUMBERS!.... STILL!





            SCENE: THE "BRAVELY BRAVE SIR ROBIN" SCENE.

                                   Enter DAVID HYDE PIERCE, who seems to
                                   be the closest we'll get in this cast
                                   to being decently British.  

                                   He was *sort* of British in "Frasier",
                                   right?

                                   AUDIENCE
            Wow, David Hyde Pierce, you're in Spamalot too?

                                   DAVID HYDE PIERCE
            Actually... I've been in the musical for the entire show so
            far, but am entirely unnoticeable!

                                   BLACK KNIGHT
                          (entering)
            Stop!  Who goes there!

                                   DAVID HYDE PIERCE
            Ah!  You scared me, and I have soiled my pants for the first
            of many times this musical!  Which is funny because it
            correctly BUILDS UPON the movie instead of EXPLOITING or
            DESTROYING it!  How nice for a change.
                          (leaves)

                                   TIM CURRY
            It is I, King Arthur... to do the scene where I use my sword
            and my REALLY AMAZING SHARP TEETH to chop off each of your
            limbs... Boy, am I interested as all hell to see how we stage
            this one.

                                   Tim Curry does some rather crappy sword
                                   fighting, then slices off his arms.

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            Well, duh, we could see when he switched his real arm for his
            fake arm.  But hey, that's a noble attem--

                                   Tim Curry slices his legs, and they
                                   fall off.

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            Wow.  Okay, you win.





            SCENE: "THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NI!" SCENE.

                                   HANK AZARIA
                          (as head Knight who says Ni)
            We were the Knights who say Ni!  Now we are the Knights who
            say ecky-ecky-echy-pikang-zoom-boing...

                                   He continues, adding all sorts of
                                   strange random words that are
                                   recognizable.

                                   HANK AZARIA
                          (to Tim Curry)
            See, Tim?  It's entirely possible to be faithful to how a
            role was played in the MOVIE while still getting to OWN THE
            ROLE FOR YOURSELF.

                                   TIM CURRY
            Shut up.  Let us pass through this forest.

                                   HANK AZARIA
            You cannot pass through this forrest until you do our task
            which is...
                          (looks at notecards)
            You're fricking kidding me, Idle.

                                   ERIC IDLE
                          (grinning like an idiot)
            Say it!

                                   HANK AZARIA
            But it's so random!

                                   ERIC IDLE
            Of course it's random, it's Python!

                                   HANK AZARIA
            What about your whole "forgoing sketch for the sake of
            continuity"?  "Cohesiveness instead of randomness"?

                                   ERIC IDLE
            I suddenly changed my mind.  Say your line!

                                   HANK AZARIA
            Fine.
                          (defeatedly)
            You must put on a Broadway musical.

                                   TIM CURRY
            but how that is impossible for you see broadway is a thousand
            years into the future in a country that has not been
            discovered yet

                                   Silence.

                                   HANK AZARIA
            ...WHAT?  That line was gold!  How the hell did you
            misdeliver that line?

                                   TIM CURRY
            I apparently just don't give a crap.  But lookamy teeth!
                          (dips teeth in bleach)

                                   DAVID HYDE PIERCE
            Well, if you want to put on a Broadway Musical...
                          (sings:)
            YOU WON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY
            UNLESS YOU HAVE A SONG THAT MAKES FUN OF JEWS!
                          (sighs)
            Ah, 3/4ths of the way through the play and they FINALLY give
            me a song that doesn't under-utilize my talents!

                                   ERIC IDLE
            I wonder if anybody is going to notice that the song is
            basically "Why can't the English learn how to speak"....

                                   Girls (dressed like from the movie's
                                   hilarious "Castle Anthrax") dance
                                   onstage.

                                   MONTY PYTHON FANS
                                   IN AUDIENCE
            IS THIS JUST ANOTHER CRUEL REMINDER THAT YOU'VE REMOVED YET
            ANOTHER ONCE OF THE MOVIE'S BEST SCENES????

                                   A Fiddler-style bottle dance with
                                   Grails, and the musical finally starts
                                   to seem like not ALL of its newer
                                   material sucks...

                                        ...THAT IS, UNTIL:





            SCENE: EMPTY STAGE

                                   SARAH RAMIREZ
            Why hasn't my character been in Act Two yet?
            WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
            IT WAS CUT IN HALF OUT OF TOWN IN CHICAGO!
            WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY-->

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