SPAMALOT, BY (17% OF) MONTY PYTHON
A Broadway Abridged Script
By Gil Varod
Enter Mel Brooks, the Chatterbox of
Broadway.
MEL BROOKS
Welcome back to Part 2 of 2 in,
"MUSICALS THIS SEASON THAT WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE
DEFINITELY THE NEXT PRODUCERS".
To explain tonight's entry in this season's crop of Broadway
Musicals that are MOVIE RIPOFFS, exist solely on CRUDE HUMOR,
make CLICHE jokes about Jewish/French people, show off lots
of CLEAVAGE, force secondary characters into the plot where
they don't seem to FIT, and feature a celebrity lead actor
who has decided to play HIMSELF instead of the WRITTEN
CHARACTER....
(breathes a moment)
Then it's necessary that we take you to re-experience a
little moment that Former Monty Pythoner ERIC IDLE had on a
very special night so many years ago...
SCENE: ST. JAMES THEATRE, 2001
It is Opening Night of "The Producers".
ERIC IDLE is sitting next to MEL
BROOKS.
ERIC IDLE
Wow Mel Brooks... taking a cult-classic movie, turning it
into a self-referential musical, and creating a long-running
Broadway hit? I should STEAL that idea!
MEL BROOKS
Why not? John Cleese still acts, Terry Gilliam is an
accomplished director, Michael Palin has come out with a
wonderful travel series and Terry Jones has moved to
writing.... SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST CONTINUE TO DO WHAT YOU
HAVE ALWAYS DONE BEST?
ERIC IDLE
Um, which is?
MEL BROOKS
(snickers)
Forever capitalizing on your Monty Python Success, and little
else.
THE ORIGINAL MOVIE
Oh no... please don't taint me...
SCENE: SHUBERT THEATRE, FIVE YEARS LATER.
Not-very Python-sounding (but
*supposedly* British) TIM CURRY steps
onto the stage as King Arthur.
THE ORIGINAL MOVIE
Sigh, too late.
TIM CURRY
Lookame! I'm Tim Curry!
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
No Curry, remember, you're playing Arthur... did you even
just once WATCH Graham Chapman's flawless performance on DVD
like I asked you to?
TIM CURRY
Hiya everybody, I'm Tim Frickin' Curry! Look at how Tim
Curry-ish I can be!
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
Sigh. Just... do the scenes, do the scenes.
SCENE: THE "SWALLOWS CAN'T FLY COCONUTS" SCENE.
GUARD
Who goes there?
TIM CURRY
It is I, Tim Curry! King of the Rocky Horror freaks, star of
cinema hits such as "Clue", Broadway Actor that apparently
has lost most of his comedic verve, and owner of these BIG
WHITE TEETH!
(flashes grin)
GUARD
Where'd you get the coconut?
Audience claps at this introduction to
the memorable skit, even though nothing
funny has happened yet.
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO AREN'T
MONTY PYTHON FANS
Wha??????
GUARD
The coconut's tropical! This is a temperate zone.
The cast continues to play out one of
the movie's most memorable scenes in a
recreation that is just as funny as the
scene's counterpart in the film... or
even perhaps moreso because it is live.
Unfortunately, this is really the LAST
TIME THIS WILL BE TRUE.
SCENE: THE "BRING OUT YOUR DEAD SCENE".
A Mortician and a Peasant are onstage,
both *definitely* not being played by
British people with British speech
patterns.
MORTICIAN
Bring out yer dead!
PEASANT
Here you are.
DEAD PERSON
I'm not dead yet!
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
Wow, they really do a great job recreating the movie's best
scenes with all of its wonderful Monty Python timing and--
DEAD PERSON
(singing)
I AM NOT YET DEAD!
The dead person begins to now sing
about how he isn't dead, taking a joke
that lasted a solid, compact 90 seconds
in the movie and stretching it out over
the course of a five-minute song.
THE CAST
(dancing)
Lookatus! It's funny because we're making fun of how
Broadway shows have BIG ELABORATE SHOWBIZ NUMBERS!
HANK AZARIA
(as MORTICIAN)
Bring out your dead! By the way, my name is Lancelot, and I
want to be a Knight of the Round Table!
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
Hey... how come the "bring out your dead" guy is now actually
Sir Lancelot?
ERIC IDLE
Well, in turning "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" into a
musical, I had to find a through-line and make the scenes
taking place make more sense in relation to each other. See,
I took what was once SKETCH and created CONTINUITY! I took
what was once SENSELESS RANDOMNESS and made it COHESIVE
BROADWAYNESS!
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
YOU MADE MONTY PYTHON COHESIVE?!?!?!
SCENE: THE "YOU'RE A KING? WELL I DIDN'T VOTE FOR YOU!"
SCENE.
More scenes from the movie are being
played out between Tim Curry and
POLITICAL PEASANT, but again not as
well.
POLITICAL PEASANT
Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the
masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
TIM CURRY
(teethily...
or would that be toothily?)
Well political peasant, if I could show you the Lady of the
Lake who gave me the sword Excaliber, would you join me as a
Knight of the Round Table?
POLITICAL PEASANT
Sure. By the way, my name is Sir Galahad!
(grins, aside:)
Yes, I'm both Sir Galahad *and* the Political Peasant!
Another "cohesive through-line", you see.
Enter also-not-British SARAH RAMIREZ as
The Lady of the Lake.
SARAH RAMIREZ
Lookame! I'm the only girl in this show, and the new
addition of a "main female" to "Holy Grail" is going to be
FORCED DOWN YOUR THROAT!
Sarah Ramirez and Political Peasant
Galahad sail down the stage in a boat a
la Christine and Phantom from "Phantom
of the Opera", while they sing a song
making fun of generic Andrew Lloyd
Webber songs.
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
Sigh, it's a good thing that the Phantom Movie just came out,
because otherwise the ripping-off of it will look like it's
ten years too late!
FORIBIDDEN BROADWAY CREATOR
GERARD ALESSANDRINI
Ripping off the Phantom Movie? Wait, what about *me*? At
what point do you begin admitting you're blatantly ripping
off of *my* stuff?
Ah, well...
Sorry about that, Mr. Alessandrini.
FORIBIDDEN BROADWAY CREATOR
GERARD ALESSANDRINI
No, I didn't mean you--
(pause)
Okay, well, you too...
SCENE: A BLANK STAGE.
All of the actors just stand in a flat
line, kinda like they do for 85% of the
musical.
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
Wow, you'd think I'd know what to do with my actors... I am
Mike Nichols, after all.
HISTORIAN
And so, King Arthur set off on his quest, along with Sir
Lancelot the BRAVE-BUT-APPARENTLY-NOT-CHARACTERIZED-AS-BRAVE,
Sir Galahad the WAS-CHASTE-IN-THE-MOVIE-BUT-NOT-HERE-BECAUSE
HIS-FUNNY-CASTLE-ANTHRAX-SCENE-IS-NO-MORE,
Sir Robin the not-so-brave, Sir Bedevere the HAS-NO-LINES,
and Sir-not-appearing-in-this-play.
On this last line, Don Quixote enters
with the Golden Helmet of Mambrino.
MUSICAL THEATRE FANS
IN THE AUDIENCE (17%)
Ha ha ha! It's a Man of La Mancha reference! Tee-hee!
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE (83%)
Man of what what what?
TIM CURRY
We are the Knights of Camelot,
AND WE'RE ALL FOR ONE,
AND ONE FOR ALL,
AND WE MUST BAND TOGETHER,
TO FACE DANGER...
TRIED AND TRUE MONTY PYTHON
COMEDIC PACING
Why is it that every other time a song starts up, I'm
entirely ignored?
TIM CURRY
Let us journey to Camelot!
GALLAHAD
Camelot!
HANK AZARIA
Camelot!
PATSY
It's only a model.
TIM CURRY
Actually... you don't say that. That's one of the DOZENS of
comedic gems of a line from the movie that fans will expect
and be disappointed to not hear in this musical. Because in
this version... IT'S A REPLICA OF THE EXCALIBUR HOTEL IN
VEGAS!
SCENE: APPARENTLY, THE EXCALIBER HOTEL IN VEGAS.
The Knights are singing "Camelot" in a
set that looks like a casino.
THE CAST
(dancing bad choreography)
Lookatus! It's funny because we're making fun of how
Broadway shows have BIG ELABORATE SHOWBIZ NUMBERS!
TIM CURRY
Look, I'm dancing too!
He tap-dances while Patsy clicks
coconuts to make tap sounds.
TIM CURRY
It's funny because it's me, Tim Curry, pretending I'm
dancing! Everybody knows Tim Curry doesn't dance!
ONE OF THE KNIGHTS
And now, pointlessly singing another number because Eric Idle
insisted that he HAD to FORCE a female "lead" into this show,
it is the LADY OF THE LAKE!
SARAH RAMIREZ
(sings, nobody knows why)
LOOKAME! I STOPPED THE ENTIRE SHOW FOR THE POINTLESS PURPOSE
OF ME IMITATING BARBARA STREISAND!
MEL BROOKS
(bored)
Idle, where's that guy in the dungeon who claps along? That
was hilarious.
ERIC IDLE
It didn't fit in the musical.
MEL BROOKS
What do you mean?
ERIC IDLE
Listen, Camelot is no longer a real castle in this version;
it's more like Cinderella's Castle in Disney World. How
would we work the dungeon guy in?
MEL BROOKS
I put a reference to the Producers Movie's Lincoln Center
Fountain in my musical's adaptation; it's not like you can't
find SOME way.
ERIC IDLE
But that's pointless self-referentialism!
The giant foot from the Monty Python TV
show lands on the stage.
EVERY ACTOR IN THE MUSICAL
Blah blah blah DEAD PARROT
blah blah ALBATROSS
blah blah I'LL HAVE SPAM SPAM SPAM
blah blah SUSPENDERS AND A BRA!
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
Ha ha! I'm laughing because these references to other Monty
Python skits remind me how funny those skits were, even
though the references aren't actually funny in this context!
MEL BROOKS
What were you saying about self-referentialism now?
ERIC IDLE
Well, at least when Tim Curry leaves, *my* show isn't going
to go to hell for being so actor-specific.
MEL BROOKS
(sulks)
SCENE: THE "FRENCH CASTLE" SCENE.
SIR BEDEVERE
In order to get to the french people, we'll use my secret
weapon, a wooden trojan bunny!
A giant wooden bunny is rolled onstage.
This is perhaps the finest set-piece
ever devised by mankind.
SIR BEDEVERE
Now we just have to leave it here and hide.
They DO.
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
Hey, wait a minute. Why is Bedevere already there? Is there
no "Burn the witch" scene?
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
Actually, we had a song in Chicago about burning the witch,
but we cut it because it wasn't working.
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
And so you removed it entire, and didn't even consider
replacing it with a re-enactment of what is possibly the best
scene in the original movie?
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
It's all about cutting! Cut cut cut! I'll keep cutting this
show until it becomes a one-act!
SCENE: INSIDE THE FRENCH CASTLE.
Hank Azaria is onstage, still doing an
amazingly great job of ADDING TO THE
CHARACTERS HE PLAYS. And, he does it
all without being British!
He is followed by a mime, Eponine from
Les Miserables, and many other french
people.
HANK AZARIA
(being French and awesome)
Why is zere a big wooden bunni here? Let's take eet inside
ze castle.
They go back into the castle with the
rabbit, leaving only Eponine onstage to
sing:
EPONINE FROM LES MISERABLES
(singing whinily)
ON MY OWN,
WITH NOBODY A--
Mid-lyric, she is suddenly, bloodily
shot.
Audience laughs.
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
Stop stop! None of that. We'll just have her walk on and
let the majority of the audience never realize that it was
Eponine. Go on, shoo, leave the joke's set-up without the
payoff.
Actress playing Eponine leaves,
deprived of what could have been the
funniest scene in the show.
HANK AZARIA
We must now catapult a cow over the castle!
They do.
It looks like the sort of squishy
crappy doll that you win at a state
fair.
Therefore when it falls, it's got a lot
more "lame" and a lot less less
"funny".
TIM CURRY
But that doesn't even look the least bit threateni--
(sighs, sings)
RUN AWAY,
RUN AWAY,
RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUN AWAY...
They basically keep singing these two
words for another 2 minutes while
running in place. Then, the curtain
falls.
THE CURTAIN
Boy do I miss the days where I fell at the high point of a
musical.
SCENE: INTERMISSION
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
So wait... you had an entire scene with French people... and
NO real jokes about the French?
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
Actually, we had a song in Chicago where the Cow sang about
being French, but we cut it because it wasn't working.
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
And you instead replaced it with... ?
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
(silence)
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
There's such a thing as "fine-tuning", you know. Or
"rewrites". Maybe get Eric Idle to do a rewrite.
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
(sighs)
...I can't.
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
Why not?
DIRECTOR MIKE NICHOLS
Idle is at the pub down the street singing silly drinking
songs with Douglas Sills.
DOUGLAS SILLS
(peeking his head)
OH...
(singing drunkenly:)
FIRST WITH THE PART OF ASSASSINS' "BOOTH"
I TURNED DOWN THE TONY ROLE,
TO BE IN A VERSION OF "LITTLE SHOP"
THAT CRITICS TORCHED LIKE COAL!
THEN I WALKED OUT OF "GALLAHAD"
FOR SHOW BOOKED THROUGH NEXT YEAR,
NO I DON'T HAVE ANY ABILITY
TO MAKE CHOICES IN MY CAREER!
(stumbles out)
SCENE: A SCENE THAT ISN'T IN THE MOVIE. AND FOR GOOD REASON.
TIM CURRY
Boy, all my men are now gone, and I'm all alone with you,
Patsy. Even though my character never has any moments of non
teeth-related emotion or anything, I'm going to forcibly say
that I'M DEPRESSED.
(pause)
I'm depressed.
(pause)
Gee, you'd figure an accomplished actor could make my being
depressed FUNNY.
PATSY
God knows how a character with no DESIRES, WANTS or NEEDS can
get depressed. Why don't we sing the song "Always Look On
the Bright Side of Life" from Monty Python and the Life of
Brian? Singing a funny song like that should cheer you up
real good.
TIM CURRY
Um... I thought the reason that the song was funny in Life of
Brian was because it was a cheery song sung by people dying
on crosses after being crucif--
MALE CHORUS
(devoid of any irony)
ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE!
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
Ah ha ha! Once again, I'm enjoying the forced insertion of
this song because it reminds me how funny the song was in a
totally different and much funnier context!
Male chorus dances with Umbrellas,
doing another numbing "showbiz number".
SUSAN STROMAN
They are dancing... And with props... And it's not funny!
WHY am *I* not choreographing this "dancing with props" show?
CHOREOGRAPHER CASEY NICHOLAW
Because *I* am. In my Broadway debut!
SUSAN STROMAN
Yeah, about that... HOW did you nab this gig?
CHOREOGRAPHER CASEY NICHOLAW
Because I choreograph genius comedy moves like this!
In unison, the male chorus drops their
umbrellas as if they all screwed up at
the same time, then pick them up very
quickly as if nothing happened.
SUSAN STROMAN
Where's the moment where they get sad for having screwed up?
It's not funny!
THE CAST
Sure it's funny, because we're making fun of how Broadway
shows have BIG ELABORATE SHOWBIZ NUMBERS!.... STILL!
SCENE: THE "BRAVELY BRAVE SIR ROBIN" SCENE.
Enter DAVID HYDE PIERCE, who seems to
be the closest we'll get in this cast
to being decently British.
He was *sort* of British in "Frasier",
right?
AUDIENCE
Wow, David Hyde Pierce, you're in Spamalot too?
DAVID HYDE PIERCE
Actually... I've been in the musical for the entire show so
far, but am entirely unnoticeable!
BLACK KNIGHT
(entering)
Stop! Who goes there!
DAVID HYDE PIERCE
Ah! You scared me, and I have soiled my pants for the first
of many times this musical! Which is funny because it
correctly BUILDS UPON the movie instead of EXPLOITING or
DESTROYING it! How nice for a change.
(leaves)
TIM CURRY
It is I, King Arthur... to do the scene where I use my sword
and my REALLY AMAZING SHARP TEETH to chop off each of your
limbs... Boy, am I interested as all hell to see how we stage
this one.
Tim Curry does some rather crappy sword
fighting, then slices off his arms.
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
Well, duh, we could see when he switched his real arm for his
fake arm. But hey, that's a noble attem--
Tim Curry slices his legs, and they
fall off.
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
Wow. Okay, you win.
SCENE: "THE KNIGHTS WHO SAY NI!" SCENE.
HANK AZARIA
(as head Knight who says Ni)
We were the Knights who say Ni! Now we are the Knights who
say ecky-ecky-echy-pikang-zoom-boing...
He continues, adding all sorts of
strange random words that are
recognizable.
HANK AZARIA
(to Tim Curry)
See, Tim? It's entirely possible to be faithful to how a
role was played in the MOVIE while still getting to OWN THE
ROLE FOR YOURSELF.
TIM CURRY
Shut up. Let us pass through this forest.
HANK AZARIA
You cannot pass through this forrest until you do our task
which is...
(looks at notecards)
You're fricking kidding me, Idle.
ERIC IDLE
(grinning like an idiot)
Say it!
HANK AZARIA
But it's so random!
ERIC IDLE
Of course it's random, it's Python!
HANK AZARIA
What about your whole "forgoing sketch for the sake of
continuity"? "Cohesiveness instead of randomness"?
ERIC IDLE
I suddenly changed my mind. Say your line!
HANK AZARIA
Fine.
(defeatedly)
You must put on a Broadway musical.
TIM CURRY
but how that is impossible for you see broadway is a thousand
years into the future in a country that has not been
discovered yet
Silence.
HANK AZARIA
...WHAT? That line was gold! How the hell did you
misdeliver that line?
TIM CURRY
I apparently just don't give a crap. But lookamy teeth!
(dips teeth in bleach)
DAVID HYDE PIERCE
Well, if you want to put on a Broadway Musical...
(sings:)
YOU WON'T SUCCEED ON BROADWAY
UNLESS YOU HAVE A SONG THAT MAKES FUN OF JEWS!
(sighs)
Ah, 3/4ths of the way through the play and they FINALLY give
me a song that doesn't under-utilize my talents!
ERIC IDLE
I wonder if anybody is going to notice that the song is
basically "Why can't the English learn how to speak"....
Girls (dressed like from the movie's
hilarious "Castle Anthrax") dance
onstage.
MONTY PYTHON FANS
IN AUDIENCE
IS THIS JUST ANOTHER CRUEL REMINDER THAT YOU'VE REMOVED YET
ANOTHER ONCE OF THE MOVIE'S BEST SCENES????
A Fiddler-style bottle dance with
Grails, and the musical finally starts
to seem like not ALL of its newer
material sucks...
...THAT IS, UNTIL:
SCENE: EMPTY STAGE
SARAH RAMIREZ
Why hasn't my character been in Act Two yet?
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY PART?
IT WAS CUT IN HALF OUT OF TOWN IN CHICAGO!
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO MY-->
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