A Streetcar Named Desire: Abridged


                         A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE: ABRIDGED
                     From the "Broadway Abridged Shorts" Archives
                                                            By Gil Varod
                                      




            SCENE: TRASH LOT OUTSIDE OF STUDIO 54


                                   TABLES AND CHAIRS 
                                   FROM CABARET
                          (laying in dumpster)
            THANK GOD, we've FINALLY been thrown away now that Cabaret
            has been closed for *years*.


                                   AUDIENCE'S BACKS 
                                   AND NECKS
            Whoopee!  Now the only thing that can still hurt us is a
            three-hour play that doesn't *really* need to be all three
            hours...






            SCENE: STUDIO 54.


                                   Enter John C. Reilly.


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            Oh wife?  Where are you?  AND, where is your sister who is
            staying with us?


                                   Enter Natasha Richardson.


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
            I'm right here.


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            Hi Natasha, Vilkommen to my house.


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
            Did you just say Vilkommen?


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            Oh... sorry, I suppose I got you confused with your part in
            CABARET, where you ALSO played a woman who is obsessed with
            the fancy life and who speaks in an over-trained accent with
            monotone speaking.


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
            Well we're not in Germany, John.  We're in New Orleans.


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            How can you (and the audience) tell?


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
            Because of the six dozen fans that are twirling on our set,
            which obviously mean "New Orleans".  I hope that the
            combination of this DISTRACTING HYPNOTIC MOVEMENT and my
            tendency to SPEAK MY MONOLOGUES SLOWER THAN TIME ITSELF
            doesn't cause the audience to DRIFT OFF.
                          (pause)
            Oh.  It's been five minutes.  I should somehow meaninglessly
            mention the word "DESIRE" because it's in the title.


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            Well, I think you may be stealing from my wife or something
            because of some sort of deed to a land or something that you
            may or may not have sold or who the hell knows what.


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
            Well, perhaps if you didn't constantly mumble, the audience
            would know.


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            Yeah, well.  The point is, I hate you, sister-in-law who I
            somehow haven't met until now.  
            And now that we *have* met, we are definitely not both at
            once REPULSED BY and DRAWN TO each other as one would assume
            from reading the script.


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
            Have I mentioned that I'm afraid I've grown old and ugly? 
            Because even though it's painfully apparent I'm neither old
            or ugly, I think I should mention every five minutes that--


                                   Suddenly, at some very anti-climatic
                                   moment in the scene, the lights go dim
                                   as the set transitions into a few hours
                                   later.


                                   BLACK FEMALE SOLOIST
                          (singing)
            OH HOW WE HERE IN NEW ORLEANS LOVE OUR TRANSITION MUSIC
            OH PRAISE THE LORD FOR OUR WONDERFUL TRANSITION MUSIC
            TRANSITION MUSIC
            TRANSITION MUSIC
            TRANSITION TRANSITION TRANSITION TRASITION
            SING SING SING SING
            WAITING FOR THE STAGEHANDS TO CHANGE THE SET
            WHY DO THEY WEAR KHAKIS WE WONDER
            DURING TRANSITION MUSIC!


                                        TRANSITION TO:






            SCENE: A POKER GAME


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            Hey stock friends, let's all play poker.


                                   They DO.


                                   Enter Natasha Richardson with 
                                   JOHN C. REILLY'S WIFE.


                                   For today's Abridge, JOHN C. REILLY'S
                                   WIFE (AKA "Stella") will be a non
                                   speaking part because nobody cares much
                                   about her.


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            WIFE, I'm drunk, so I'm going to hit you!


                                   He does.


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
            No, don't do that!
                          (pause)
            Also, um... DESIRE!


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            Now, WIFE, I will apologize and we'll MAKE LOVE!


                                   They DO.


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            See?  Now I'm a generic run-of-the-mill guy who's also some
            sort of a BAD GUY!


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
            Oh John C. Reilly--who definitely isn't Marlon Brando--I hate
            you!  In fact, I...
                          (continues on one of her long
                           droll-ly delivered monologues)


                                   AUDIENCE
                          (falls asleep)


                                   MITCH
            I don't care if she does put the audience to sleep.  I'm VERY
            SENSITIVE, and I'm going to MARRY her, because I will be
            LONELY once my Mother dies!


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
                          (unable to be understood
                           through her annoying crying
                           noises)
            Great!  Now I won't be lonely, because I've been lonely since
            the boy I married DIED, and he was a boy, and I've been
            lonely ever since then, because I know what it's like to have
            someone close to you--
                          (pause)
            Um, what're you doing?


                                   MITCH
            Groping and/or trying to rape you.


                                   NATASHA RICHARDSON
            Wait, I thought you're sensitive.


                                   MITCH
            But the script says "Rape here".  So I did.


                                   DIRECTOR EDWARD HALL
                          (entering)
            Well, what about motivation?


                                   MITCH
            What about you not being another friggin Brit who thinks they
            should be directing American plays on Broadway?


                                   DIRECTOR EDWARD HALL
            But hell, even David Leveaux knows that you need to create a
            clear motivation for your character.


                                   MITCH
            You really want to make this play *longer*?


                                   DIRECTOR EDWARD HALL
            Sure.  Bring on the absurdly-large cast of bit parts that
            this play requires!


                                   YOUNG BOY
                          (kisses Natasha Richardson)
            Why thank you, ma'am, now I must leave.
                          (leaves)


                                   WOMAN UPSTAIRS
                          (enters)
            Glad to let you into the house Natasha.
                          (leaves)


                                   MAN UPSTAIRS
                          (enters)
            Hi!  I like poker and I argue with my wife!
                          (leaves)


                                   MEXICAN WOMAN
                          (enters)
            Something something Flowers For the Dead!
                          (leaves, irrelevantly)


                                   DOCTOR AND NURSE
                          (enter)
            *WE* come in so late to the show, that we don't have our call
            until 10 PM!  We could be in another fricking play, do our
            bows, and then come here and do our one scene!
                          (leaves)


                                   JOHN C. REILLY'S WIFE
                                   [STELLA]
                          (signs something about how
                           Natasha's arrival has turned
                           her and John's life upside
                           down)


                                   JOHN C. REILLY
            My bland wife is right.  Get the hell out, Natasha. 
            Theoretically I'm a jerk for telling you this so brutely, but
            you're so painfully annoying that the audience sympathizes
            with my hatred for you!


                                   John C. Reilly maybe rapes Natasha
                                   Richardson.  Well, only if you feel
                                   like interpreting it that way.


                                        BLACKOUT.

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