Superior Donuts: Abridged


                            SUPERIOR DO[UGH]NUTS ABRIDGED
                                         OR
                      THE ABC [THIRTY YEARS] AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL
                     From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives
                                                            By Gil Varod
                                      





            SCENE: A DO[UGH]NUT SHOP THAT REMINDS YOU OF THE MOST
            DISGUSTING TWIN DONUT YOU'VE EVER SET FOOT IN, AND YET STILL
            MAKES YOU WANT TO BUY ONE DURING INTERMISSION, THE BASTARDS.


                                   POLICEWOMAN
            We don't know who smashed the window of this do[ugh]nut shop. 
            Do you, Hilarious Foreign Guy?


                                   HILARIOUS FOREIGN GUY   
                                   SIDE CHARACTER
            No, I am too much with the Busy for the Living of American
            Dream.


                                   EVERYBODY
            American Dream!


                                   POLICEMAN
            I'm black, but I dress in Star Trek clothing as my
            character's gag.


                                   VERY TALL BLONDE RUSSIAN GUY
            I am here solely because I look like the bad guy from Rocky
            IV, and to be the butt of dated jokes about the fact that I
            look like the bad guy from Rocky IV.


                                   RANDOM DRUNK WOMAN
            I'm also some sort of side character.


                                   Enter a man who's pretty fantastic at
                                   DRAMA for a person you likely know as
                                   THAT GUY FROM THAT IMPROV DOCUMENTARY.


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            I run this do[ugh]nut shop.  And I am entirely unconcerned
            with who broke in.


                                   POLICEWOMAN
            Why, because you're endlessly PASSIVE?


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            That, and I read the rest of the play and it turns out that
            it doesn't matter.  
            What concerns me more is that Starbucks and Best Buy are
            RUINING THE HUMAN FABRIC OF OUR SOCIETY.  


                                   POLICEWOMAN
            Well said, Guy Who Is Too Afraid To Ask Me On A Date Until He
            Learns Something Important About *Himself* In Act Two.


                                   HILARIOUS FOREIGN GUY   
                                   SIDE CHARACTER
            Yeah, corporations are in the suck!


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            This is an important notion, and a very NEW concept in
            dramatic American works.  Just like a T.V. Sitcom
            Wisecracking Black Guy!


                                   Enter the aforementioned.


                                   JON MICHAEL HILL
            Yo McK--can I call you McK?--I'm here fer that help want'd
            sign ya got up on the window, and in return I'm gonna offer
            you some chillin' one-liners.  Also FORESHADOWING I've 
            compulsively gambled myself into major debt.


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            Why should I hire you?


                                   JON MICHAEL HILL
            Because only a black kid with a heart of warmth can thaw
            an emotionally frozen white man.  
            Possible I remind you of yourself somehow?


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            But the audience doesn't know that.  They know barely
            anything about me. 
            If only there was a technique that playwrights could resort
            to when they can't figure out how to dramatize exposition!


                                   JON MICHAEL HILL
            You could address them directly with monologues that fill
            them in on your past.


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            What?!?!?  But my character's way too self-reserved
            to--


                                   Weird spotlight on Michael McKean.


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            Oh.
            Um... let's see, what do you *need* to know...
            My Dad was a Prisoner of War, and I got drafted into Vietnam
            but ran away to Canada, and my father always resented me for
            it and--
            Huh?  What did you *do*?
            Well, I just lived my life, and got married, and I've been
            divorced, and my ex-wife died too so I'm *definitely* as
            lonely as possible--
            What?  What is it like?  Is that what you asked me?


                                   AUDIENCE
            ...We didn't ask you anything.


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            I thought I'm taking questions from the audience.  
            Or being interviewed by... somebody?  Anybody?


                                   JON MICHAEL HILL
            Never mind, these honkey spotlight monologues be trippin!
                          (holding up 7000-page
                           handwritten book)
            This is my Great American Novel I wrote, WHICH I HAVE THE
            MISFORTUNE TO ONLY HAVE ONLY ONE COPY OF.
                          (winks)
            Read it, McK.


                                   Michael McKean reads a book the size of
                                   an encyclopedia in one night.


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            This is essentially the best book ever written in the history
            of the universe.  Despite the fact that the book, this OBJECT
            in my hand, is so heavy, so WEIGHTED.


                                   JON MICHAEL HILL
            Underneath my wiseguy exterior, I've got a wisdom well beyon'
            my years.  Would be a major shame if two guys came in here to
            do terrible things to me and my book, WHICH I HAVE THE
            MISFORTUNE TO ONLY HAVE ONLY ONE COPY OF.


                                   VERY TOUGH GUY WHO
                                   CONVENIENTLY HAS AN ULCER
            I'm here, and I conveniently have an ulcer.


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            Good, because I am 59 years old and I'm going to FIGHT YOU.


                                   VERY TOUGH GUY WHO
                                   CONVENIENTLY HAS AN ULCER
            But stage combat relies on SPEED for the illusion to work! 
            If we moved as slowly as you and I inevitably will, it will
            be obvious to the audience that we are not hitting each other 
            at all!


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            SOOOOOOOOO BBEEEEEEEEEEEE IIIIIIIT!


                                   The fight is long.


                                   And sweaty.


                                   And bloody, which is accomplished by
                                   the actors pulling out little plastic
                                   blood containers.  Which isn't unique
                                   or anything, but sometimes it's fun to
                                   see how the stage magic is performed! 


                                   Like when Penn and Teller ruin a trick
                                   for you for life.


                                   Oh look Michael McKean won somehow? 


                                   CONVENIENCE
            Works for me.


                                   DANNY TANNER
                          (as the slow and sullen version
                           of the Superior Do[ugh]nuts 
                           Theme Song plays)
            Now, John Michael Hill, what did you learn about Gambling?


                                   JON MICHAEL HILL
            Oh Dad, I'll never gamble again.  Gambling is for losers!


                                   MICHELLE TANNER
            Peeeeee-yooooo!


                                   MICHAEL MCKEAN
            And I'll never be a cipher character ever again!  
            Now, who wants a free do[ugh]nut?


                                   EVERYBODY
            Yaaaaaay!


                                   KIMMY GIBBLER
            Well I don't want a bear claw.  Imagine those poor bears
            without hands!


                                   JON MICHAEL HILL
            Or without two fingers!


                                   EVERYBODY
            Ah ha ha ha!


                                   Stay tuned for a sneak peek at next 
                                   week's episode, where Hilarious Foreign
                                   Guy's niece comes from Foreign Country
                                   and mistakenly thinks she and John
                                   Michael Hill are married.  Phew!


                                        BLACKOUT.

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