WISHFUL DRINKING ABRIDGED
                                         OR
                           CARRIE FISHER RAN OUT OF MONEY
                     From the "Broadway Abridged" Shorts Archives
                                                            By Gil Varod
                                      





            SCENE: STUDIO 54


                                   ...where Carrie Fisher probably once
                                   had sex--


                                   CARRIE FISHER
            Now, I basically say that joke during my show.


                                   Right then.  Go ahead.


                                   CARRIE FISHER
            Now, everybody, let's learn about how ridiculous my life is!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Do tell!  We're fully willing to consume 30-year old gossip!


                                   CARRIE FISHER
            Now, my parents were Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, and
            they cheated on each other!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Hahahahahah!  You are so funny!


                                   CARRIE FISHER
            Now, after that I was in Star Wars, and my head was a Pez
            Dispenser!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Hahah oh your head was a Pez Dispenser!


                                   CARRIE FISHER
            Now, then I married Paul Simon! Imagine having Paul Simon be
            the one to write songs about how bad a wife you were!


                                   AUDIENCE
            Ha... ha...


                                   CARRIE FISHER
            Now, after that I married a gay man, and I was bipolar, and
            it ruined me completely and I ended up in a nuthouse!


                                   AUDIENCE
            ...


                                   CARRIE FISHER
            Hysterical, right?  Now, that wasn't the only time I was in a
            nuthouse!  I also went through electroshock therapy and went
            to a mental institution and got addicted to prescription
            medication!  Ha ha ha ha!  MANIC DEPRESSION HA HA HA!


                                   AUDIENCE
            ...wait are you going to divulge what it was like to go
            through any of that?


                                   CARRIE FISHER
                          (suddenly serious for 40
                           seconds)
            Now, being bipolar is terrible.


                                   AUDIENCE
            Oooh, if I've learned anything from Billy Crystal's "700
            Sundays", halfway through is when a one-man show turns from
            hysterical to touching and soul-baring--


                                   CARRIE FISHER
            No, that was it.  
            HELP ME OBI WAN KENBI YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!  God I'm funny.


                                   AUDIENCE
            ...do I at least get some very important lesson to learn?


                                   CARRIE FISHER
            NOPE.  NOW, GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!


                                        BLACKOUT.


                                        ALSO, CARRIE FISHER STEALS A JOKE
                                        FROM DAVE BARRY.