The Woman In White: Abridged

                           THE WOMAN IN WHITE WHO BARES A 
                               STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO 
                            FANTINE FROM LES MISERABLES:
                              A "London aBridge" Script
                                                            By Gil Varod





            PROLOGUE: ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S LONDON RESIDENCE, WHICH IS
            DESIGNED LIKE A GIANT TECHNOCOLOR DREAMCOAT.

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Fine folks from Sony, I understand you'd like to make a
            proposition in regards to my new upcoming musical, which has
            MY MOST COMPLEX SCORE TO DATE!

                                   THE FINE FOLKS AT SONY
            Yes, we have an idea for the set of your new show , "The
            Woman in White".  We've developed this new system, where we
            use CGI graphics--think Star Wars Episodes One and Two.  And
            we project those backgrounds onto these curved walls that
            rotate around the stage.  We think you should use this system
            for your new musical.

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Have a totally inorganic background instead of using standard
            painted backdrops?  No way, good sirs.  I've had enough of
            relying on expensive gimmicks to propel my shows.  The
            chandelier from Phantom, the trash pile from Cats, the
            rollerskates from Starlight Express... But Computer Graphics,
            that's too far.  I cannot allow this.

                                   THE FINE FOLKS AT SONY
            And also, you'd get a brand new big-screen Trinitron.

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Well then, where do I sign?





            SCENE: "THE PALACE", THE THEATRE THAT ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER HAS
            ESEENTIALLY PURCHASED AND MADE HIS PERSONAL BITCH.

                                   Curved walls in spin around stage, with
                                   a train tunnel being projected onto
                                   them.  For the first (and last) time in
                                   the show, the set will do a fantastic
                                   job of setting the mood.

                                   A PORTER comes onstage, as does
                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD.

                                   PORTER
            whyareyoumumblemumblemumble.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Why am I standing here on the train tracks, did you ask? 
            Well, the train broke down, and I have to get to some
            computer-generated mansion.  You see, I have some vague sort
            of position there.

                                   PORTER
            I (mumble) a dream where you were here (mumblemumblemumble)
            and a year later there would be dead bodies on the tracks. 
            And it would be all because you came tonight and
            (mumblemumblemumble).

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            A minor character had a premonition-filled dream foretelling
            vague pieces from the rest of the plot.  Well that's a great
            cliche way to get a story started when the story can't do it
            itself!

                                   PORTER
            Yes, well (mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble...)

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            AAAGH!

                                   Enter WOMAN IN WHITE.

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
                          (singing very screechily and
                           being incredibly whiny)
            I have a secret!  I have a secret I have a secret I have a
            secret I have a secret I have a secret!

                                   Silence.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            ...and?

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
            And I can't tell it to you.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            So why did you come?

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
            Good question.

                                   Woman in White leaves through a curtain
                                   in the curved wall, onto which is
                                   projected a train tunnel.

                                   Ten seconds or so pass.

                                   Then finally, on the curtain she ran
                                   through, there is a projection of her
                                   running into the distance.

                                   Projectors sweep us away from this
                                   horribly fake train tunnel and into the
                                   next inorganic environment.

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Gentlemen from Sony, this projection technology is excellent. 
            Any other technology you guys have that I can make use of?

                                   THE FINE FOLKS AT SONY
            Actually, we have perfected the cloning of humans.

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Oh *really*.





            SCENE: THE OUTSIDE OF THE MANSION

                                   Enter NEAR-CLONE OF SARAH BRIGHTMAN.

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Wow.  You guys are good.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
                          (fluttering her huge Sarah
                           Brightman-like eyes)
            Oh, generic male character, it's so great to see you here
            as... what are you?

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            I'm not really sure... I think I was just hired to teach you
            how to paint.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Ah.  Well, that's all good and what not.  But first, let me
            show you around this house!

                                   The projectors sweep the view to a
                                   camera angle that is slowly moving up
                                   the staircases.  In sync, Male Lead and
                                   Sarah Brightman Clone run in place as
                                   if to simulate running up the stairs.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Wow, this is tough.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            What, running up stairs that are not really there?

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            No, more like admitting that theatre has reached the George
            Lucas phase, where CGI scenery has become more important than
            quality script.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Well while we're running, let me use this opportunity to sing
            the new Andrew Lloyd Webber hit, OBLIGATORY EXPOSITION SONG. 
            Why "show"... when you can "tell"!

                                   Curved walls rotate around the stage
                                   some more, and indicate that we have
                                   now moved to:





            A ROOM WITH A PIANO.

                                   Obligatory BLONDE PRETTY GIRL sits at
                                   the piano, playing and singing.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
                          (singing)
            OH IT'S SO COOL
            SITTING ON A PIANO STOOL
            IT'S THE FIRST PIECE OF SET
            THAT ISN'T PROJECTED YET
            WHICH IS RATHER QUITE REFRESH-IN'
            NOW THAT WE'RE FIFTEEN MINUTES IN
            THANK GOD, I THOUGHT 
            I'D HAVE TO MIME
            THIS PIANO!

                                   Enter Sarah Brightman Clone and Male
                                   Lead.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Oh, hi, I didn't see you walk in.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            I didn't either.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Huh?

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            See me walk in.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            ....right.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            This is my half sister.  We may be related, but...
                          (singing)
            WE'RE AS DIFFERENT AS BLACK AND WHITE,
            AS DAY TO NIGHT...
            Sorry, one second...
                          (checks libretto)
            Apples and Oranges.... Perrier and San Pellegrino?  What the
            hell is this crap?

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Try to ignore it, I promise you'll enjoy it more.
                          (to blonde girl)
            You remind me of the girl in white, except... Except...

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Except what?

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Except that you have a slightly lesser striking resemblance
            to the character of "Fantine" from Les Mis.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            But like her, I have a secret!

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            What secret is that?

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Whether or not she and I are the same actress!

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Oh, I know you're not; I bought the program.  Only three
            pounds!  That's six dollars U.S. Currency... damn exchange
            rate.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Oh.  Well there goes that.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Hey, let's go mime running up stairs again!

                                   They DO.  Set spins around some more,
                                   projectors whirl, and we've now taken
                                   another CGI trip into another room.

                                   Enter Old Man.

                                   OLD MAN
            I'm some old man.  And I'm the blonde girl's guardian.  Why
            don't I sing a reprise of the OBLIGATORY EXPOSITION SONG!

                                   He DOES.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            So you're my legal guardian?

                                   OLD MAN
            Yeah, basically.  I suppose it didn't need a whole song, now
            that I think of it.
                          (exits)

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Hey, why don't the three of us go outside and paint!

                                   They DO.

                                   Or rather, the projectors move us
                                   outside to the gardens.  It's all
                                   really rather unnatural.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Hey, I've been here before.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            You can't have been.  We haven't done any garden scenes yet!

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            No, I have.  This computer CGI background was ripped directly
            off of the PC Video Game "Myst"!

                                   CGI GRAPHICS CREATORS
            Shhh!  Don't tell people we're re-using graphics scenes from
            other sources.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Oh, all right.  Just so long as you don't force me to figure
            out how to turn on the water pump and then find BLUE PAGES!

                                   Half a dozen songs are sung to explain
                                   who is in love with who, all vaguely
                                   reminiscent of "Music of the Night". 
                                   Then, in case that wasn't enough for
                                   you, a final song is sung to over
                                   explain it one last time.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
                          (sung)
            I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, ROMANTIC MALE!

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            I'M ALSO IN LOVE WITH YOU, ROMANTIC MALE!

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            BUT I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, BLONDE.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
                          (to male)
            OF COURSE YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME,
            OF COURSE YOU ARE; I BET.
            ROMANTIC LEAD CHARACTERS,
            ALWAYS CHOOSE BLONDES,
            AND MY SISTER IS A BRUNETTE!

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD 
                                   AND BLONDE GIRL
            FROM THE MOMENT I FIRST SAW YOU
            I BELIEVED MY HEART,
            THAT WE'D MELODRAMA MELODRAMA..,
            SOMETHING SOMETHING START!

                                   NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING WHO
                                   BARELY UNDERSTOOD CATS
            Yah, yah, ve get it.  She lekes him, unt she lekes him, unt
            he lekes herr.  Git on vis it.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
                          (holds up drawing)
            Hey, blonde, I drew you!  I'm afraid it doesn't do you
            justice.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            No, it doesn't... mine are much "perkier" than that.  But
            thank you for the gift, it means so much to me!  And as a
            gift to you, I give it back!

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Wow, a gift from you!  I'll treasure it forever!

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            But you're the one who drew--

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            ...treasure it forever.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Weirdo.  Okay, well the chorus just showed up, so let's...
            Uh... I dunno... festival scene?

                                   Projectors whip us around in front of:





            LEFTOVER BACKGROUNDS FROM THE SECOND "HARRY POTTER"

                                   Chorus does dancing.  Which is good,
                                   because we needed a song that existed
                                   solely to remind us that there is a
                                   chorus in this show.

                                   Romantic Male Lead makes his way over
                                   to the graveyard.

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
            I'm so glad I found you!  I've come back to again mention I
            have some vague secret, then to sing in very poorly-written
            ballads, and to shriek enough for the audience to cover their
            ears.

                                   She DOES.

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
            Also, there's gonna be a BAD GUY that you shouldn't trust.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Wait, you're human and not a ghost?  Where do you live, and
            how do you keep showing up in these random places?

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
            Gosh look at that time.

                                   The projector wall rotates around some
                                   more and we go to...





            LEFTOVER BACKGROUND FROM FINDING NEMO

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            I can't live without the blonde girl, despite only knowing
            her for one afternoon.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            I must inform you that the blonde girl is already engaged to
            be married.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            You're such an asshole for telling me the truth, brunette
            bitch.





            LEFTOVER BACKGROUND STOLEN FROM "THE SEVENTH GUEST" VIDEO
            GAME

                                   BAD GUY
            I look like Malfoy's father from Harry Potter, except for
            even more evil, and even more one-dimensional...

                                   Enter Michael Crawford, the original
                                   Phantom from "Phantom of the Opera".

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
                          (bad Chico Marx accent)
            And I am co-conspirator!

                                   Silence.

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
            Odd.  Nobody applauded my entrance.  They even applaud on
            entrance in "Dance of the Vampires"... Must be fat suit?

                                   AUDIENCE
            Michael Crawford is here.  He's supposed to be funny.

                                   Michael Crawford sings. It's not very
                                   funny.

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
            Don't worry, I be funnier later in play.
                          (pause)
            Much later.  Much MUCH later.

                                   BAD GUY
            So, Blonde girl, I have come to marry you.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Yes, I will marry you, just as I had promised my father
            before he DIED!
                          (to audience)
            See?  Even though I seem stupid for marrying this character
            that I have no desire to marry, I'm *still*  a sympathetic
            character because I am loyal to my dead father, whose wishes
            to have me marry Bad Guy are entirely unexplained!

                                   BAD GUY
            Good, then we shall get married.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Hold on, I want to know what you know about... THE WOMAN IN
            WHITE!

                                   Everyone gasps.  Someone faints.

                                   BAD GUY
            Well, it's very simple.  Her mother was sick and she was
            taken in... eh, who cares.  I could tell you the story but
            frankly, it ends up being pretty irrelevant to the plot of
            this musical.

                                   Everybody leaves the room except for
                                   Blonde Girl, Brunette, and Romantic
                                   Male.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Well, it has been nice being here in this CGI house, but I
            think I should leave.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            No... You can't leave!  No!
                          (she runs off, crying)

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Will we ever see you again?

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Sure, about twenty minutes before the play ends.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Wait... That can't be.  You're the main character.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Really?  Because as I understand, you're the main character.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            I am?  Oh... oh, dear.





            SCENE: COMPUTER-ANIMATED CHURCH

                                   A wedding take place.

                                   CHORUS
                          (singing)
            REQUIEM, DOMINAE,
            REQUIEM, DOMINAE...

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Okay, you're all looking at me as if you're surprised to find
            a Requiem in a Lloyd Webber show.  Hello!  I do a requiem in
            3 out of every 5 musicals I write!  You're lucky this play
            isn't entirely about religious themes again!

                                   Chorus continues singing as they walk
                                   around in a circle.

                                   DIRECTOR TREVOR NUNN
            Oh shit.  I forgot to hire a choreographer... well, it's a
            good thing we have these turntables left over from when Les
            Miserables was at this theatre!

                                   Turntables keep moving, and chorus
                                   keeps walking in a circle until the
                                   wedding finishes.  

                                   Chorus stumbles offstage, dizzy.





            SCENE: BASICALLY ANYTHING FROM EITHER SHREK MOVIE

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            So, blonde half-sister, how's your new marriage?

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            It really sucks.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Hah.  That'll teach you to be blonde and have Male Romantic
            Lead like you more.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Yeah, well, check this out.  BAD GUY beats me.

                                   She lifts her sleeves and we see purple
                                   makeup on her arm.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            He doesn't want me for anything more than my body, and then
            during the rough sex we have, he smacks me around and--

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Whoa whoa whoa there, isn't this a bit too much for a family
            friendly musical?  Beating you?

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            You brunette bitch.

                                   She exits via some piece of CGI.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Wow, blondie is right, I *am* a brunette bitch.  From now on,
            at least until the musical is over and she's back to screwing
            somebody who doesn't beat her ass with a Fraternity
            Initiation paddle, I will dedicate my life to saving my
            sister!

                                   Enter Michael Crawford.

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD
            Sarah Brightman Clone, are you allright?

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Uh... You... You got thinner, Count Fosca.

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD
            Oh... I suppose I forgot that bitch of a Fat Suit.  I tend to
            take it off backstage because I'll have entire half hours
            where I don't appear.  One second.

                                   Exit Michael Crawford.

                                   Enter Michael Crawford.

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD VELCRO-ING
                                   ON A FAT SUIT
            Back again.  So, are you allright?

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Yes, yes I'm fine.

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
            Okay, good.  Now I kiss your hand, and hit on you.
                          (kisses hand)
            Did you fall from heaven, because I fat and want crush you
            during sex.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Um.... ????

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
            I play Italian, no?

                                   The walls rotate around the turntable
                                   some more and now we're at...





            SCENE: ANDY'S BACKYARD IN "TOY STORY".

                                   BAD GUY
            Now, blonde girl, I have some forms I need you to sign.  Sign
            them!

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Can I read them first?

                                   BAD GUY
            What, you don't trust me?  Just sign them!

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Why, can I read them first?

                                   BAD GUY
            You are my wife, and you should trust me.  Sign them!

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Can't I get my lawyer to look over them first?

                                   BAD GUY
            Why, you don't believe that I say it's okay?  It is.  Sign
            them!

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            But can't I...

                                   BAD GUY
            Sign them!

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            But can't--

                                   BAD GUY
            Oh, forget all of you.

                                   He goes stomping off.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            See what I mean?  He's such an asshole!

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            He's... He's actually less of an asshole, and more redundant
            really.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Why was that scene even necessary?  We already know he's an
            asshole because HE BEATS ME!
                          (she pulls up her leg and shows
                           more purple makeup)
            See?  You should see my bleeding back with the whipmarks--

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Okay enough.  Jesus.  Listen, I have to take you to the
            graveyard to see the Woman in White.





            SCENE: GRAVEYARD

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            The fact that there's a giant graveyard right next to the
            house is sort of unsettling...

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Woman in White! I've brought Blonde Girl so you can tell your
            secret to her.

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
            Yes, I have a secret, I have a secret!

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Yes, I think we've established that much for the audience
            already.  Now why...

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
            Let's sing!

                                   The three sing during which they
                                   sensuously caress each other's arms and
                                   get very close to kissing each other.

                                   No, it's not just in my head.  It's in
                                   there.  READ THE SUBTEXT, PEOPLE!

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
            Allright, my secret is...
                          (pauses, waits fifteen seconds)
            MY SECRET IS...

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
                          (entering with generic bad guy
                           henchmen)
            Sorry about that.  Fat suit's a bitch.  Gentlemen, capture
            her.

                                   WOMAN IN WHITE
            Noooooo!  But my frickin' secreeeeeeeeeeeeeetttt!!!!

                                   The projector walls spin around some
                                   more and the theatre goes to black.





            SCENE: "INTERVAL".  NOT "INTERMISSION"... IN BRITAIN IT'S
            "INTERVAL".  WEIRD BRITS.

                                   AUDIENCE
            Turntable and spinning projections making me dizzy...
            Dizzy... BLEAH!

                                   Audience vomits onto theatre floor.

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Aw... Dammit.  And I just had this theatre *renovated*.

                                   Audience then goes to buy mini ice
                                   cream cups that they'll continue to eat
                                   during the second act.

                                   Weird Brits.





            SCENE: SOME BEDROOM.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Half sister, what are we going to do now that they have
            captured THE WOMAN IN WHITE?

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            You know, half-sis, I was thinking.  It's called "The Woman
            in White"... I wonder if there are any tourists who
            accidentally confused it with the long-running thriller "The
            Woman in Black".





            SCENE: THE FORTUNE THEATRE IN LONDON, WHERE THE LONG-RUNNING
            THRILLER PLAY "THE WOMAN IN BLACK" IS IN THE 15TH YEAR OF ITS
            RUN

                                   CONFUSED AND/OR MISINFORMED
                                   AUDIENCE MEMBERS
                          (watching the play)
            Funny... He doesn't *look* like Michael Crawford in a fat
            suit....

                                   BRITISH AUDIENCE MEMBER
            Why, this seems to fit the "Thriller" theatrical genre more
            than the "Musical" genre!

                                   AMERICAN AUDIENCE MEMBER
            You know, I keep seeing that as a play category at TKTS near
            Piccadilly... "Thriller".  We don't ever refer to plays in
            America as "Thrillers".  What does that word *mean*?

                                   BRITISH AUDIENCE MEMBER
            Thriller.  You know, a "Thriller", like Agatha Christie's
            "The Mousetrap".

                                   AMERICAN AUDIENCE MEMBER
            Oh, you mean a play that makes you fall asleep?

                                   BRITISH AUDIENCE MEMBER
            Ah... bad example.





            SCENE: BACK AT THE PALACE THEATRE

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            So I'm going to try to spy on them by watching them play
            pool, and see what their evil plan is.

                                   The walls curve around and the
                                   projectors make them look like it's the
                                   outside of a castle.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
                          (tiptoeing at the edge of the
                           wall as if she's walking on
                           the castle ledges)
            Wow... so degrading...

                                   Wall rotates around as she pretends to
                                   reach for the projected "ledge". 
                                   Through the window, we see Bad Guy and
                                   Fat Michael Crawford.

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
                          (in obligatory conspirator
                           scene)
            So, here's our evil plan.  We...

                                   Loud sound of thunder, to contrive a
                                   reason for Sarah Brightman clone to not
                                   be able to hear the evil plan.

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
            And that's our evil plan!

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Eep, I'm going to fall!
                          (sighs)
            Really I'm not, because I'm pretending I'm walking on a ledge
            of a projected image.





            SCENE: BEDROOM

                                   Sarah Brightman Clone has been drugged
                                   and is in the middle of a DREAM BALLET!

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Ooh, look, things going on that are repetitions of things we
            already saw earlier in the play!

                                   AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE 
                                   "SECOND-ACTED"
            Gee, thanks!  Now I'll know exactly what's going on!

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Everything is woozy!  I'm in a dream!  Of course, it might've
            been a good idea to project something SURREAL onto the
            background to make it seem more dreamlike...





            SCENE: MORE COMPUTER-ANIMATED COMPLEX POLYGONS

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Where is  my blonde half-sister?

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
            Well, she jumped out of window, and is now dead.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Well shit.





            SCENE: FUNERAL

                                   A giant mound of dirt is on the stage
                                   as if to be a freshly-buried grave, but
                                   it looks more like a giant pile of
                                   elephant dung.

                                   BAD GUY
                          (singing in Falsetto, so you
                           *know* he's evil)
            OH,
            HOW I'LL MISS YOU,
            OH WIFE I USED TO BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OF...

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Boy, it's times like this I wish I had the Romantic Male Lead
            with me...

                                   Backgrounds sweep up and fly through
                                   the clouds on a magic carpet ride to...





            SCENE: COMPUTER ANIMATED LONDON

                                   Homeless people walk around in a
                                   circle, just like the homeless always
                                   do when they don't hire a
                                   choreographer.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
                          (to audience drunkenly)
            Remember me?  I didn't die!
                          (to Pawnshop owner)
            Here, I'm selling you this picture of the blonde girl so I
            can have money.

                                   PAWNSHOP OWNER
            Excellent, why don't I just HANG IT IN THIS WINDOW?

                                   Romantic Male Lead exits.  Enter Sarah
                                   Brightman Clone.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Oh wow, look!  It's a picture of Blonde Girl IN THAT WINDOW
            THERE!

                                   PAWNSHOP OWNER
            Yes, and I can tell you the address of where to find the guy
            who sold it to me!

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            You... You have his *address*?

                                   PAWNSHOP OWNER
            Yeah, Male Romantic Lead and I have a little something
            something going on. 
                          (she eyes him)
            What?  He exited the plot for an hour.  You think nothing
            went on during it?!?





            SCENE: POOR PEOPLE PLACE

                                   Romantic Male Lead is heavily drinking
                                   a beer.  This is BAD.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            I need you to help me find out which mental institution they
            put the Woman in White into.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            I won't help you.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
                          (sings a song)

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            I will help you.

                                   Romantic Male Lead *dramatically* pours
                                   out the beer.  He has been SAVED!





            SCENE: FRONT OF FAT MICHAEL CRAWFORD'S HOUSE

                                   Enter Sarah Brightman Clone, in a
                                   beautiful red dress.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Well, I'm ready to go seduce Fat Michael Crawford.

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            Wow, I've never seen you look like this before.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            What, you mean with cleavage?

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
            I may be beginning to fall for you, in the wake of your
            sister's death.  How awkward that you are my tawdry rebound.





            SCENE: INSIDE FAT MICHAEL CRAWFORD'S HOUSE

                                   Michael Crawford does a funny little
                                   song with an animal, and the audience
                                   laughs because the animal doesn't
                                   respond as it was apparently trained
                                   to.

                                   WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
            Hey!  Give me my gag back!

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
                          (entering)
            Hey, Michael Crawford.  You know what I like?  I like 62 year
            old men who have to put on fat suits in order to get another
            decent part in theatre.  But before we begin, you go leave
            the room for a minute.

                                   Michael Crawford exits to change into a
                                   different fat suit.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
                          (looking through Michael
                           Crawford's papers)
            There!  There's the address of where the Woman in White is!

                                   MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
                                   FAT SUIT
                          (entering)
            Wow... You went through an entire 20 minute segue just to
            find an address?  That's sad.





            SCENE: MENTAL INSTITUTION

                                   The chorus members are running around,
                                   doing a bad job of portraying insane
                                   asylum residents.

                                   "SWEENEY TODD"
            Hey!  Give me my gag back!

                                   Enter GERVAIS, the British cousin of
                                   the Broadway Abridged Spoilers Guy.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE 
                                   AND MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
            Wha?!?

                                   LONDON (A)BRIDGE'S 
                                   SPOILERS GUY, "GERVAIS"
            Why, cheerio, good gents, and top of the morning to you.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Wow, we didn't even know he had a British cousin.

                                   LONDON (A)BRIDGE'S 
                                   SPOILERS GUY, "GERVAIS"
            Well he does, so quid wanker lorry bullocks!  I'm just here
            to point out that the plot takes a turn for the unexpected
            here that will very possibly surprise you, so if you don't
            want the best twist of the show ruined for you here, you
            might very well want to stop reading right now.

                                   MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
            How are you enjoying the show so far, "Gervais"?

                                   LONDON (A)BRIDGE'S 
                                   SPOILERS GUY, "GERVAIS"
            Excellent, ever since the little mini ice cream cups went on
            sale during Interval!
                          (pulls another Ben & Jerry's
                           Chunky Monkey out of his coat
                           pocket, and dallies off)

                                   MALE ROMANTIC LEAD AND 
                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Woman in white?  Woman in white, where are you?

                                   They find her huddled in the corner,
                                   and turn her over.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            It is really me, the blonde sister!

                                   MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
            Well, if they put you in the asylum, it must have been the
            Woman in White that they buried at the funeral!

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            No!  But that means that her secret went with her to her
            grave!

                                   MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
            Has it occurred to anybody else that maybe this secret really
            doesn't matter at all, being that there's 10 minutes left to
            the play and we still haven't revealed it?

                                   The projectors take us on a roller
                                   coaster video.  Eventually we end up...





            SCENE: BACK AT HOGWARTS.

                                   BAD GUY
            Here, sign this thing that apparently I never got Blonde Girl
            to sign.

                                   OLD MAN THAT WE HAVEN'T SEEN
                                   IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
            Okay.  By the way, I weep for the Blonde Girl, my niece or
            surrogate daughter or something or rather.
                          (signs)

                                   BAD GUY
            Thanks.

                                   He leaves.  Two seconds silence. 
                                   Blonde Girl, Romantic Male Lead, and
                                   Sarah Brightman Clone enter.

                                   ALL THREE
            Where's the Bad guy?

                                   OLD MAN
            He just left.  Just as you were coming in... Jesus, how could
            you have missed him?

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Whoa, I will never learn the Woman in White's secret!

                                   OLD MAN
            Oh, I know the secret.  I've known it the entire damn play.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            You WHAT?!?

                                   OLD MAN
            The secret is that she's related to you in some way or
            another, and that she was once married to Bad Guy.

                                   Silence.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            That's it?

                                   OLD MAN
            Yup.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            It's a good thing she's dead, because if she wasn't I'd kill
            her my damn self.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Hey, now that I think of it... why did he kill the Woman in
            White, and then put the Blonde Girl into the Asylum
            pretending she was the Woman in White?  What would be the
            point of that?

                                   BAD GUY
                          (offstage shrugging)
            Good point.





            SCENE: THE TRAIN STATION FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE PLAY.

                                   Bad Guy stands on train tracks.  Enter
                                   the Blonde Girl, who has dressed like
                                   the Woman in White.

                                   BLONDE GIRL
                          (singing with as annoying a
                           voice as the Woman in White
                           had)
            I am haunting you!  I am haunting you!

                                   BAD GUY
            Yeah?  Well I have a secret too!  I'm *so* unnecessarily
            evil, I drowned the daughter that me and you, the Woman in
            White, had!

                                   ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
                          (entering)
            NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Um... "help it"?  What do you mean not if you--

                                   A fight happens between Romantic Male
                                   Lead and Bad Guy.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
                          (rolling her huge eyes)
            Gee, I wonder who will win.

                                   They keep fighting until there's the
                                   sound of a train.  Everybody moves
                                   aside except for BAD GUY.

                                   In the background, a TRAIN comes
                                   towards the audience on the projector
                                   screens, thereby killing BAD GUY who
                                   hasn't moved off the tracks.  Half of
                                   the theatre laughs hysterically.

                                   MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
                          (from offstage)
            He was hit by the train, but I have his dead body in my arms!

                                   He comes back onstage carrying the dead
                                   body of Bad Guy which doesn't look in
                                   any way like it's been hit by a train.

                                   MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
                          (going back on the train
                           tracks)
            Hmm, you would think that I'd come on with just *part* of his
            torso or something.  So... do you think maybe we shouldn't be
            standing on these train tracks

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            Nah, they wouldn't dare have another train come.  If they
            play that pathetic train animation again, they'll have to
            start advertising this show as "Andrew Lloyd Webber's Newest
            Farce".

                                   PORTER
                          (to Male Romantic Lead)
            You see!  My dream was right!  Mumble mumble dead bodies all
            because of you!

                                   MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
            Uh... Not really... Most of this stuff would have happened
            even if I never came.

                                   PORTER
            Oh.  True.  Mumble.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            So, the story is over.  And now, are you and my sister going
            to get married?

                                   MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
            No way!  In the time since I've met her she's been married,
            beaten, and has had sex with a guy who had sex with her half
            sister and half a dozen others.  Who knows what sort of
            diseases she could have?

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            So you're saying in that time since, you've learned to love
            me more?

                                   MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
            No, I don't like you either!  In fact, I think I'm going to
            go back to that pawn shop owner that I hit it off with
            before.

                                   PAWNSHOP OWNER
            Ah ha!

                                   Male Romantic Lead and Pawnshop Owner
                                   exit.

                                   SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
            So what do we do now?

                                   BLONDE GIRL
            Well how about--

                                   Suddenly, the projectors die.

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Not *again*!  Somebody up there fix that!

                                   Some lights flicker on and off, and
                                   then the walls rotate too far, falling
                                   into the put and crushing the
                                   orchestra.

                                   SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
            Aw... Dammit.  And I just had that orchestra *renovated*.

                                   BLACKOUT.

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