THE WOMAN IN WHITE WHO BARES A
STRONG RESEMBLANCE TO
FANTINE FROM LES MISERABLES:
A "London aBridge" Script
By Gil Varod
PROLOGUE: ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S LONDON RESIDENCE, WHICH IS
DESIGNED LIKE A GIANT TECHNOCOLOR DREAMCOAT.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Fine folks from Sony, I understand you'd like to make a
proposition in regards to my new upcoming musical, which has
MY MOST COMPLEX SCORE TO DATE!
THE FINE FOLKS AT SONY
Yes, we have an idea for the set of your new show , "The
Woman in White". We've developed this new system, where we
use CGI graphics--think Star Wars Episodes One and Two. And
we project those backgrounds onto these curved walls that
rotate around the stage. We think you should use this system
for your new musical.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Have a totally inorganic background instead of using standard
painted backdrops? No way, good sirs. I've had enough of
relying on expensive gimmicks to propel my shows. The
chandelier from Phantom, the trash pile from Cats, the
rollerskates from Starlight Express... But Computer Graphics,
that's too far. I cannot allow this.
THE FINE FOLKS AT SONY
And also, you'd get a brand new big-screen Trinitron.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Well then, where do I sign?
SCENE: "THE PALACE", THE THEATRE THAT ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER HAS
ESEENTIALLY PURCHASED AND MADE HIS PERSONAL BITCH.
Curved walls in spin around stage, with
a train tunnel being projected onto
them. For the first (and last) time in
the show, the set will do a fantastic
job of setting the mood.
A PORTER comes onstage, as does
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD.
PORTER
whyareyoumumblemumblemumble.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Why am I standing here on the train tracks, did you ask?
Well, the train broke down, and I have to get to some
computer-generated mansion. You see, I have some vague sort
of position there.
PORTER
I (mumble) a dream where you were here (mumblemumblemumble)
and a year later there would be dead bodies on the tracks.
And it would be all because you came tonight and
(mumblemumblemumble).
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
A minor character had a premonition-filled dream foretelling
vague pieces from the rest of the plot. Well that's a great
cliche way to get a story started when the story can't do it
itself!
PORTER
Yes, well (mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble...)
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
AAAGH!
Enter WOMAN IN WHITE.
WOMAN IN WHITE
(singing very screechily and
being incredibly whiny)
I have a secret! I have a secret I have a secret I have a
secret I have a secret I have a secret!
Silence.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
...and?
WOMAN IN WHITE
And I can't tell it to you.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
So why did you come?
WOMAN IN WHITE
Good question.
Woman in White leaves through a curtain
in the curved wall, onto which is
projected a train tunnel.
Ten seconds or so pass.
Then finally, on the curtain she ran
through, there is a projection of her
running into the distance.
Projectors sweep us away from this
horribly fake train tunnel and into the
next inorganic environment.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Gentlemen from Sony, this projection technology is excellent.
Any other technology you guys have that I can make use of?
THE FINE FOLKS AT SONY
Actually, we have perfected the cloning of humans.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Oh *really*.
SCENE: THE OUTSIDE OF THE MANSION
Enter NEAR-CLONE OF SARAH BRIGHTMAN.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Wow. You guys are good.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
(fluttering her huge Sarah
Brightman-like eyes)
Oh, generic male character, it's so great to see you here
as... what are you?
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
I'm not really sure... I think I was just hired to teach you
how to paint.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Ah. Well, that's all good and what not. But first, let me
show you around this house!
The projectors sweep the view to a
camera angle that is slowly moving up
the staircases. In sync, Male Lead and
Sarah Brightman Clone run in place as
if to simulate running up the stairs.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Wow, this is tough.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
What, running up stairs that are not really there?
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
No, more like admitting that theatre has reached the George
Lucas phase, where CGI scenery has become more important than
quality script.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Well while we're running, let me use this opportunity to sing
the new Andrew Lloyd Webber hit, OBLIGATORY EXPOSITION SONG.
Why "show"... when you can "tell"!
Curved walls rotate around the stage
some more, and indicate that we have
now moved to:
A ROOM WITH A PIANO.
Obligatory BLONDE PRETTY GIRL sits at
the piano, playing and singing.
BLONDE GIRL
(singing)
OH IT'S SO COOL
SITTING ON A PIANO STOOL
IT'S THE FIRST PIECE OF SET
THAT ISN'T PROJECTED YET
WHICH IS RATHER QUITE REFRESH-IN'
NOW THAT WE'RE FIFTEEN MINUTES IN
THANK GOD, I THOUGHT
I'D HAVE TO MIME
THIS PIANO!
Enter Sarah Brightman Clone and Male
Lead.
BLONDE GIRL
Oh, hi, I didn't see you walk in.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
I didn't either.
BLONDE GIRL
Huh?
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
See me walk in.
BLONDE GIRL
....right.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
This is my half sister. We may be related, but...
(singing)
WE'RE AS DIFFERENT AS BLACK AND WHITE,
AS DAY TO NIGHT...
Sorry, one second...
(checks libretto)
Apples and Oranges.... Perrier and San Pellegrino? What the
hell is this crap?
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Try to ignore it, I promise you'll enjoy it more.
(to blonde girl)
You remind me of the girl in white, except... Except...
BLONDE GIRL
Except what?
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Except that you have a slightly lesser striking resemblance
to the character of "Fantine" from Les Mis.
BLONDE GIRL
But like her, I have a secret!
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
What secret is that?
BLONDE GIRL
Whether or not she and I are the same actress!
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Oh, I know you're not; I bought the program. Only three
pounds! That's six dollars U.S. Currency... damn exchange
rate.
BLONDE GIRL
Oh. Well there goes that.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Hey, let's go mime running up stairs again!
They DO. Set spins around some more,
projectors whirl, and we've now taken
another CGI trip into another room.
Enter Old Man.
OLD MAN
I'm some old man. And I'm the blonde girl's guardian. Why
don't I sing a reprise of the OBLIGATORY EXPOSITION SONG!
He DOES.
BLONDE GIRL
So you're my legal guardian?
OLD MAN
Yeah, basically. I suppose it didn't need a whole song, now
that I think of it.
(exits)
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Hey, why don't the three of us go outside and paint!
They DO.
Or rather, the projectors move us
outside to the gardens. It's all
really rather unnatural.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Hey, I've been here before.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
You can't have been. We haven't done any garden scenes yet!
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
No, I have. This computer CGI background was ripped directly
off of the PC Video Game "Myst"!
CGI GRAPHICS CREATORS
Shhh! Don't tell people we're re-using graphics scenes from
other sources.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Oh, all right. Just so long as you don't force me to figure
out how to turn on the water pump and then find BLUE PAGES!
Half a dozen songs are sung to explain
who is in love with who, all vaguely
reminiscent of "Music of the Night".
Then, in case that wasn't enough for
you, a final song is sung to over
explain it one last time.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
(sung)
I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, ROMANTIC MALE!
BLONDE GIRL
I'M ALSO IN LOVE WITH YOU, ROMANTIC MALE!
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
BUT I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, BLONDE.
BLONDE GIRL
(to male)
OF COURSE YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME,
OF COURSE YOU ARE; I BET.
ROMANTIC LEAD CHARACTERS,
ALWAYS CHOOSE BLONDES,
AND MY SISTER IS A BRUNETTE!
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
AND BLONDE GIRL
FROM THE MOMENT I FIRST SAW YOU
I BELIEVED MY HEART,
THAT WE'D MELODRAMA MELODRAMA..,
SOMETHING SOMETHING START!
NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING WHO
BARELY UNDERSTOOD CATS
Yah, yah, ve get it. She lekes him, unt she lekes him, unt
he lekes herr. Git on vis it.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
(holds up drawing)
Hey, blonde, I drew you! I'm afraid it doesn't do you
justice.
BLONDE GIRL
No, it doesn't... mine are much "perkier" than that. But
thank you for the gift, it means so much to me! And as a
gift to you, I give it back!
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Wow, a gift from you! I'll treasure it forever!
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
But you're the one who drew--
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
...treasure it forever.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Weirdo. Okay, well the chorus just showed up, so let's...
Uh... I dunno... festival scene?
Projectors whip us around in front of:
LEFTOVER BACKGROUNDS FROM THE SECOND "HARRY POTTER"
Chorus does dancing. Which is good,
because we needed a song that existed
solely to remind us that there is a
chorus in this show.
Romantic Male Lead makes his way over
to the graveyard.
WOMAN IN WHITE
I'm so glad I found you! I've come back to again mention I
have some vague secret, then to sing in very poorly-written
ballads, and to shriek enough for the audience to cover their
ears.
She DOES.
WOMAN IN WHITE
Also, there's gonna be a BAD GUY that you shouldn't trust.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Wait, you're human and not a ghost? Where do you live, and
how do you keep showing up in these random places?
WOMAN IN WHITE
Gosh look at that time.
The projector wall rotates around some
more and we go to...
LEFTOVER BACKGROUND FROM FINDING NEMO
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
I can't live without the blonde girl, despite only knowing
her for one afternoon.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
I must inform you that the blonde girl is already engaged to
be married.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
You're such an asshole for telling me the truth, brunette
bitch.
LEFTOVER BACKGROUND STOLEN FROM "THE SEVENTH GUEST" VIDEO
GAME
BAD GUY
I look like Malfoy's father from Harry Potter, except for
even more evil, and even more one-dimensional...
Enter Michael Crawford, the original
Phantom from "Phantom of the Opera".
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
(bad Chico Marx accent)
And I am co-conspirator!
Silence.
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
Odd. Nobody applauded my entrance. They even applaud on
entrance in "Dance of the Vampires"... Must be fat suit?
AUDIENCE
Michael Crawford is here. He's supposed to be funny.
Michael Crawford sings. It's not very
funny.
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
Don't worry, I be funnier later in play.
(pause)
Much later. Much MUCH later.
BAD GUY
So, Blonde girl, I have come to marry you.
BLONDE GIRL
Yes, I will marry you, just as I had promised my father
before he DIED!
(to audience)
See? Even though I seem stupid for marrying this character
that I have no desire to marry, I'm *still* a sympathetic
character because I am loyal to my dead father, whose wishes
to have me marry Bad Guy are entirely unexplained!
BAD GUY
Good, then we shall get married.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Hold on, I want to know what you know about... THE WOMAN IN
WHITE!
Everyone gasps. Someone faints.
BAD GUY
Well, it's very simple. Her mother was sick and she was
taken in... eh, who cares. I could tell you the story but
frankly, it ends up being pretty irrelevant to the plot of
this musical.
Everybody leaves the room except for
Blonde Girl, Brunette, and Romantic
Male.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Well, it has been nice being here in this CGI house, but I
think I should leave.
BLONDE GIRL
No... You can't leave! No!
(she runs off, crying)
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Will we ever see you again?
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Sure, about twenty minutes before the play ends.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Wait... That can't be. You're the main character.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Really? Because as I understand, you're the main character.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
I am? Oh... oh, dear.
SCENE: COMPUTER-ANIMATED CHURCH
A wedding take place.
CHORUS
(singing)
REQUIEM, DOMINAE,
REQUIEM, DOMINAE...
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Okay, you're all looking at me as if you're surprised to find
a Requiem in a Lloyd Webber show. Hello! I do a requiem in
3 out of every 5 musicals I write! You're lucky this play
isn't entirely about religious themes again!
Chorus continues singing as they walk
around in a circle.
DIRECTOR TREVOR NUNN
Oh shit. I forgot to hire a choreographer... well, it's a
good thing we have these turntables left over from when Les
Miserables was at this theatre!
Turntables keep moving, and chorus
keeps walking in a circle until the
wedding finishes.
Chorus stumbles offstage, dizzy.
SCENE: BASICALLY ANYTHING FROM EITHER SHREK MOVIE
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
So, blonde half-sister, how's your new marriage?
BLONDE GIRL
It really sucks.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Hah. That'll teach you to be blonde and have Male Romantic
Lead like you more.
BLONDE GIRL
Yeah, well, check this out. BAD GUY beats me.
She lifts her sleeves and we see purple
makeup on her arm.
BLONDE GIRL
He doesn't want me for anything more than my body, and then
during the rough sex we have, he smacks me around and--
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Whoa whoa whoa there, isn't this a bit too much for a family
friendly musical? Beating you?
BLONDE GIRL
You brunette bitch.
She exits via some piece of CGI.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Wow, blondie is right, I *am* a brunette bitch. From now on,
at least until the musical is over and she's back to screwing
somebody who doesn't beat her ass with a Fraternity
Initiation paddle, I will dedicate my life to saving my
sister!
Enter Michael Crawford.
MICHAEL CRAWFORD
Sarah Brightman Clone, are you allright?
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Uh... You... You got thinner, Count Fosca.
MICHAEL CRAWFORD
Oh... I suppose I forgot that bitch of a Fat Suit. I tend to
take it off backstage because I'll have entire half hours
where I don't appear. One second.
Exit Michael Crawford.
Enter Michael Crawford.
MICHAEL CRAWFORD VELCRO-ING
ON A FAT SUIT
Back again. So, are you allright?
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Yes, yes I'm fine.
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
Okay, good. Now I kiss your hand, and hit on you.
(kisses hand)
Did you fall from heaven, because I fat and want crush you
during sex.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Um.... ????
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
I play Italian, no?
The walls rotate around the turntable
some more and now we're at...
SCENE: ANDY'S BACKYARD IN "TOY STORY".
BAD GUY
Now, blonde girl, I have some forms I need you to sign. Sign
them!
BLONDE GIRL
Can I read them first?
BAD GUY
What, you don't trust me? Just sign them!
BLONDE GIRL
Why, can I read them first?
BAD GUY
You are my wife, and you should trust me. Sign them!
BLONDE GIRL
Can't I get my lawyer to look over them first?
BAD GUY
Why, you don't believe that I say it's okay? It is. Sign
them!
BLONDE GIRL
But can't I...
BAD GUY
Sign them!
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
But can't--
BAD GUY
Oh, forget all of you.
He goes stomping off.
BLONDE GIRL
See what I mean? He's such an asshole!
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
He's... He's actually less of an asshole, and more redundant
really.
BLONDE GIRL
Why was that scene even necessary? We already know he's an
asshole because HE BEATS ME!
(she pulls up her leg and shows
more purple makeup)
See? You should see my bleeding back with the whipmarks--
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Okay enough. Jesus. Listen, I have to take you to the
graveyard to see the Woman in White.
SCENE: GRAVEYARD
BLONDE GIRL
The fact that there's a giant graveyard right next to the
house is sort of unsettling...
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Woman in White! I've brought Blonde Girl so you can tell your
secret to her.
WOMAN IN WHITE
Yes, I have a secret, I have a secret!
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Yes, I think we've established that much for the audience
already. Now why...
WOMAN IN WHITE
Let's sing!
The three sing during which they
sensuously caress each other's arms and
get very close to kissing each other.
No, it's not just in my head. It's in
there. READ THE SUBTEXT, PEOPLE!
WOMAN IN WHITE
Allright, my secret is...
(pauses, waits fifteen seconds)
MY SECRET IS...
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
(entering with generic bad guy
henchmen)
Sorry about that. Fat suit's a bitch. Gentlemen, capture
her.
WOMAN IN WHITE
Noooooo! But my frickin' secreeeeeeeeeeeeeetttt!!!!
The projector walls spin around some
more and the theatre goes to black.
SCENE: "INTERVAL". NOT "INTERMISSION"... IN BRITAIN IT'S
"INTERVAL". WEIRD BRITS.
AUDIENCE
Turntable and spinning projections making me dizzy...
Dizzy... BLEAH!
Audience vomits onto theatre floor.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Aw... Dammit. And I just had this theatre *renovated*.
Audience then goes to buy mini ice
cream cups that they'll continue to eat
during the second act.
Weird Brits.
SCENE: SOME BEDROOM.
BLONDE GIRL
Half sister, what are we going to do now that they have
captured THE WOMAN IN WHITE?
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
You know, half-sis, I was thinking. It's called "The Woman
in White"... I wonder if there are any tourists who
accidentally confused it with the long-running thriller "The
Woman in Black".
SCENE: THE FORTUNE THEATRE IN LONDON, WHERE THE LONG-RUNNING
THRILLER PLAY "THE WOMAN IN BLACK" IS IN THE 15TH YEAR OF ITS
RUN
CONFUSED AND/OR MISINFORMED
AUDIENCE MEMBERS
(watching the play)
Funny... He doesn't *look* like Michael Crawford in a fat
suit....
BRITISH AUDIENCE MEMBER
Why, this seems to fit the "Thriller" theatrical genre more
than the "Musical" genre!
AMERICAN AUDIENCE MEMBER
You know, I keep seeing that as a play category at TKTS near
Piccadilly... "Thriller". We don't ever refer to plays in
America as "Thrillers". What does that word *mean*?
BRITISH AUDIENCE MEMBER
Thriller. You know, a "Thriller", like Agatha Christie's
"The Mousetrap".
AMERICAN AUDIENCE MEMBER
Oh, you mean a play that makes you fall asleep?
BRITISH AUDIENCE MEMBER
Ah... bad example.
SCENE: BACK AT THE PALACE THEATRE
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
So I'm going to try to spy on them by watching them play
pool, and see what their evil plan is.
The walls curve around and the
projectors make them look like it's the
outside of a castle.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
(tiptoeing at the edge of the
wall as if she's walking on
the castle ledges)
Wow... so degrading...
Wall rotates around as she pretends to
reach for the projected "ledge".
Through the window, we see Bad Guy and
Fat Michael Crawford.
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
(in obligatory conspirator
scene)
So, here's our evil plan. We...
Loud sound of thunder, to contrive a
reason for Sarah Brightman clone to not
be able to hear the evil plan.
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
And that's our evil plan!
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Eep, I'm going to fall!
(sighs)
Really I'm not, because I'm pretending I'm walking on a ledge
of a projected image.
SCENE: BEDROOM
Sarah Brightman Clone has been drugged
and is in the middle of a DREAM BALLET!
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Ooh, look, things going on that are repetitions of things we
already saw earlier in the play!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE
"SECOND-ACTED"
Gee, thanks! Now I'll know exactly what's going on!
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Everything is woozy! I'm in a dream! Of course, it might've
been a good idea to project something SURREAL onto the
background to make it seem more dreamlike...
SCENE: MORE COMPUTER-ANIMATED COMPLEX POLYGONS
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Where is my blonde half-sister?
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
Well, she jumped out of window, and is now dead.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Well shit.
SCENE: FUNERAL
A giant mound of dirt is on the stage
as if to be a freshly-buried grave, but
it looks more like a giant pile of
elephant dung.
BAD GUY
(singing in Falsetto, so you
*know* he's evil)
OH,
HOW I'LL MISS YOU,
OH WIFE I USED TO BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OF...
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Boy, it's times like this I wish I had the Romantic Male Lead
with me...
Backgrounds sweep up and fly through
the clouds on a magic carpet ride to...
SCENE: COMPUTER ANIMATED LONDON
Homeless people walk around in a
circle, just like the homeless always
do when they don't hire a
choreographer.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
(to audience drunkenly)
Remember me? I didn't die!
(to Pawnshop owner)
Here, I'm selling you this picture of the blonde girl so I
can have money.
PAWNSHOP OWNER
Excellent, why don't I just HANG IT IN THIS WINDOW?
Romantic Male Lead exits. Enter Sarah
Brightman Clone.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Oh wow, look! It's a picture of Blonde Girl IN THAT WINDOW
THERE!
PAWNSHOP OWNER
Yes, and I can tell you the address of where to find the guy
who sold it to me!
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
You... You have his *address*?
PAWNSHOP OWNER
Yeah, Male Romantic Lead and I have a little something
something going on.
(she eyes him)
What? He exited the plot for an hour. You think nothing
went on during it?!?
SCENE: POOR PEOPLE PLACE
Romantic Male Lead is heavily drinking
a beer. This is BAD.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
I need you to help me find out which mental institution they
put the Woman in White into.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
I won't help you.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
(sings a song)
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
I will help you.
Romantic Male Lead *dramatically* pours
out the beer. He has been SAVED!
SCENE: FRONT OF FAT MICHAEL CRAWFORD'S HOUSE
Enter Sarah Brightman Clone, in a
beautiful red dress.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Well, I'm ready to go seduce Fat Michael Crawford.
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
Wow, I've never seen you look like this before.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
What, you mean with cleavage?
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
I may be beginning to fall for you, in the wake of your
sister's death. How awkward that you are my tawdry rebound.
SCENE: INSIDE FAT MICHAEL CRAWFORD'S HOUSE
Michael Crawford does a funny little
song with an animal, and the audience
laughs because the animal doesn't
respond as it was apparently trained
to.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Hey! Give me my gag back!
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
(entering)
Hey, Michael Crawford. You know what I like? I like 62 year
old men who have to put on fat suits in order to get another
decent part in theatre. But before we begin, you go leave
the room for a minute.
Michael Crawford exits to change into a
different fat suit.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
(looking through Michael
Crawford's papers)
There! There's the address of where the Woman in White is!
MICHAEL CRAWFORD IN A
FAT SUIT
(entering)
Wow... You went through an entire 20 minute segue just to
find an address? That's sad.
SCENE: MENTAL INSTITUTION
The chorus members are running around,
doing a bad job of portraying insane
asylum residents.
"SWEENEY TODD"
Hey! Give me my gag back!
Enter GERVAIS, the British cousin of
the Broadway Abridged Spoilers Guy.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
AND MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
Wha?!?
LONDON (A)BRIDGE'S
SPOILERS GUY, "GERVAIS"
Why, cheerio, good gents, and top of the morning to you.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Wow, we didn't even know he had a British cousin.
LONDON (A)BRIDGE'S
SPOILERS GUY, "GERVAIS"
Well he does, so quid wanker lorry bullocks! I'm just here
to point out that the plot takes a turn for the unexpected
here that will very possibly surprise you, so if you don't
want the best twist of the show ruined for you here, you
might very well want to stop reading right now.
MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
How are you enjoying the show so far, "Gervais"?
LONDON (A)BRIDGE'S
SPOILERS GUY, "GERVAIS"
Excellent, ever since the little mini ice cream cups went on
sale during Interval!
(pulls another Ben & Jerry's
Chunky Monkey out of his coat
pocket, and dallies off)
MALE ROMANTIC LEAD AND
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Woman in white? Woman in white, where are you?
They find her huddled in the corner,
and turn her over.
BLONDE GIRL
It is really me, the blonde sister!
MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
Well, if they put you in the asylum, it must have been the
Woman in White that they buried at the funeral!
BLONDE GIRL
No! But that means that her secret went with her to her
grave!
MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
Has it occurred to anybody else that maybe this secret really
doesn't matter at all, being that there's 10 minutes left to
the play and we still haven't revealed it?
The projectors take us on a roller
coaster video. Eventually we end up...
SCENE: BACK AT HOGWARTS.
BAD GUY
Here, sign this thing that apparently I never got Blonde Girl
to sign.
OLD MAN THAT WE HAVEN'T SEEN
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.
Okay. By the way, I weep for the Blonde Girl, my niece or
surrogate daughter or something or rather.
(signs)
BAD GUY
Thanks.
He leaves. Two seconds silence.
Blonde Girl, Romantic Male Lead, and
Sarah Brightman Clone enter.
ALL THREE
Where's the Bad guy?
OLD MAN
He just left. Just as you were coming in... Jesus, how could
you have missed him?
BLONDE GIRL
Whoa, I will never learn the Woman in White's secret!
OLD MAN
Oh, I know the secret. I've known it the entire damn play.
BLONDE GIRL
You WHAT?!?
OLD MAN
The secret is that she's related to you in some way or
another, and that she was once married to Bad Guy.
Silence.
BLONDE GIRL
That's it?
OLD MAN
Yup.
BLONDE GIRL
It's a good thing she's dead, because if she wasn't I'd kill
her my damn self.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Hey, now that I think of it... why did he kill the Woman in
White, and then put the Blonde Girl into the Asylum
pretending she was the Woman in White? What would be the
point of that?
BAD GUY
(offstage shrugging)
Good point.
SCENE: THE TRAIN STATION FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE PLAY.
Bad Guy stands on train tracks. Enter
the Blonde Girl, who has dressed like
the Woman in White.
BLONDE GIRL
(singing with as annoying a
voice as the Woman in White
had)
I am haunting you! I am haunting you!
BAD GUY
Yeah? Well I have a secret too! I'm *so* unnecessarily
evil, I drowned the daughter that me and you, the Woman in
White, had!
ROMANTIC MALE LEAD
(entering)
NOT IF I CAN HELP IT!
BLONDE GIRL
Um... "help it"? What do you mean not if you--
A fight happens between Romantic Male
Lead and Bad Guy.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
(rolling her huge eyes)
Gee, I wonder who will win.
They keep fighting until there's the
sound of a train. Everybody moves
aside except for BAD GUY.
In the background, a TRAIN comes
towards the audience on the projector
screens, thereby killing BAD GUY who
hasn't moved off the tracks. Half of
the theatre laughs hysterically.
MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
(from offstage)
He was hit by the train, but I have his dead body in my arms!
He comes back onstage carrying the dead
body of Bad Guy which doesn't look in
any way like it's been hit by a train.
MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
(going back on the train
tracks)
Hmm, you would think that I'd come on with just *part* of his
torso or something. So... do you think maybe we shouldn't be
standing on these train tracks
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
Nah, they wouldn't dare have another train come. If they
play that pathetic train animation again, they'll have to
start advertising this show as "Andrew Lloyd Webber's Newest
Farce".
PORTER
(to Male Romantic Lead)
You see! My dream was right! Mumble mumble dead bodies all
because of you!
MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
Uh... Not really... Most of this stuff would have happened
even if I never came.
PORTER
Oh. True. Mumble.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
So, the story is over. And now, are you and my sister going
to get married?
MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
No way! In the time since I've met her she's been married,
beaten, and has had sex with a guy who had sex with her half
sister and half a dozen others. Who knows what sort of
diseases she could have?
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
So you're saying in that time since, you've learned to love
me more?
MALE ROMANTIC LEAD
No, I don't like you either! In fact, I think I'm going to
go back to that pawn shop owner that I hit it off with
before.
PAWNSHOP OWNER
Ah ha!
Male Romantic Lead and Pawnshop Owner
exit.
SARAH BRIGHTMAN CLONE
So what do we do now?
BLONDE GIRL
Well how about--
Suddenly, the projectors die.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Not *again*! Somebody up there fix that!
Some lights flicker on and off, and
then the walls rotate too far, falling
into the put and crushing the
orchestra.
SIR ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
Aw... Dammit. And I just had that orchestra *renovated*.
BLACKOUT.
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