You know what they say: you *can* take it with you.
Just please don't return it; we don't want any.
Just please don't return it; we don't want any.
THE ADDAMS FAMILY ABRIDGED OR LA CAGE AUX FALSE A "Broadway Abridged" Script By Gil Varod SCENE: THE LUNT-FONTANNE THEATRE, WHERE OVERBLOWN MUSICALS "THE LITTLE MERMAID" AND "BEAUTY AND THE BEAST" CROAKED. We are treated to an overture that sounds like Disney orchestrated a bastardized Addams Familyesque tune and had them focus-group tested by tourists. ORCHESTRA Dun dun dun dun. AUDIENCE Snap! Snap! ORCHESTRA Dun dun dun dun. AUDIENCE Snap! Snap! ORCHESTRA Dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun. Dun dun dun dun. AUDIENCE Snap! Snap! NATHAN LANE Good, I hopp you've gutten that "tunefulness" thing out of yoor seestem. I'm Nathan Lane as "Nathan Lane as Gomez Addams", and-- BEBE NEUWIRTH Nathan! Nathan! NATHAN LANE Yis, what eez it honeeey? BEBE NEUWIRTH It's our Daught-- Is that really the accent you're going to use? NATHAN LANE Yiiiiisss. BEBE NEUWIRTH Fine then. It's our daughter Wednesday, what are we going to do? NATHAN LANE What's happent? BEBE NEUWIRTH She watched "The Birdcage" too many time, and wants to act out the plot! NATHAN LANE Baht the plot to that centerrrs arount looooove! BEBE NEUWIRTH Which isn't what an Addams Family musical should be about! Oy vey! NATHAN LANE Donttt say Oy Vey pleez. BEBE NEUWIRTH It's in the script for some reason. NATHAN LANE Ignore it, I doo. Pirhapps Wednesday's growing ahp and (stage whispers) sheee'll be Thurssssday before you knoh it! BEBE NEUWIRTH My that's a terrible joke. How did you actually milk that to be sort of funny? NATHAN LANE I whispered the punchline self-defeatingly. Yoo should tri it. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD (entering) Oh no these flowers are dead and they should be beautiful because I fell in love the way a normal person falls in love and not, say, in the weird demented way that Christina Ricci fell love in the films. NATHAN LANE Goh ahid. BEBE NEUWIRTH What's the matter? (whispered) You're happy. (to Nathan) How was that? NATHAN LANE Um... You have a nice cleavage? BEBE NEUWIRTH What does that mean? NATHAN LANE It means, what a sad, sad waste of Bebe Neuwirth. SCENE: ENTER HORTON THE ELEPHANT. KEVIN CHAMBERLIN I'm once-in-awhile-narrator Uncle Fester, and I can make a lightbulb light up in my mouth. (does so) AUDIENCE (applauds on cue) KEVIN CHAMBERLIN And for some reason I'm also really into the importance of love and Wednesday falling in love? Sounds like something the bookwriters threw me into at the last minute because the audience was having difficulty focusing on the plot. BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE We decided to put aside the television shows and movies and base the musical on the original comics! KEVIN CHAMBERLIN Whatever. The point is--get this excuse for a chorus--
until "LOVE IS SOLVED", this chorus of dead ghosts are doomed
to wander the earth singing Andrew Lippa songs. CHORUS OF DEAD GHOSTS Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Theeeyyyrreee nnnoootttt eeevvvveeeennnnn ddddarrrrkkkk iiiinnnnn ttttoooonnne!!!! DEAD GHOST DRESSED LIKE DON QUIXOTE TO REMIND YOU THAT MUSICALS CAN ACTUALLY GET BETTER THAN THIS What a sad, sad waste of Kevin Chamberlin!
CUE OBLIGATORY THRILLER
CHOREOGRAPHY AND WE'RE AT...
SCENE: KNOW THAT ONE FAMOUS STRIP WHERE WEDNESDAY IS TORTURING PUGSLEY ON A RACK? HAVEN'T YOU ALWAYS WANTED SOMEBODY TO PORTRAY THAT SCENE THROUGH *SONG*?!? CUBBY BERNSTEIN Go ahead, Wednesday, "pull" my limbs on these chains... WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD ...while I stop the plot with a specialty song about how being in love is "pulling" me in a new direction! SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA (proudly) Ha! CUBBY BERNSTEIN Wouldn't it be funny if my limbs got pulled and stretched like silly putty? Ah well. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD (singing) MOTHER ALWAYS SAID BE KIND TO STRANGERS, BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW-- Wait, Mother said to be kind to strangers? Morticia Addams said this? Of the Addams Family? BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE We decided to put aside the television shows and movies and-- WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Pretend that Morticia Addams is Donna Reed? BOOKWRITERS MARSHALL BRICKMAN AND RICK ELICE --base the musical on the original... uh...
Okay we admit it, we just didn't want to do the research of
watching the old TV series to find out what people actually
*like* about the Addams Family.
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD What a sad, sad waste of not-that-fat Cubby Bernstein. SCENE: NATHAN LANE AND BEBE NEUWIRTH SING A SONG CALLED "WHERE DID WE GO WRONG". BEBE NEUWIRTH (real lyrics) ARE WE GOOD PARENTS? NATHAN LANE (real lyrics) ARE WE CLICHE? BEBE NEUWIRTH WOULD THE ADDAMSES REALLY ASK QUESTIONS LIKE THIS? NATHAN LANE DIDN'T I ALREADY SING THIS SONG IN THE PRODUCERS? BEBE NEUWIRTH What a sad, sad waste of Musicans Local 802. SCENE: EVERYBODY PREPARES FOR WEDNESDAY ADDAMS' BOYFRIEND'S PARENTS TO ARRIVE. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Please everybody, tonight, I just need the Addams Family to act like a normal, not-strange, not-too-unusual family. NATHAN LANE Thas eeee-zee. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Huh? BEBE NEUWIRTH Because that's what we have been doing all night! (hands Wednesday the script) WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD (scanning it over) What a sad, sad waste of trees. SCENE: WEDNESDAY'S BOYFRIEND'S FAMILY HAS ARRIVED... ...and they are being portrayed by the German Guy from Rock of Ages, Lucille from Parade, and the original Broadway Rum Tum Tugger! This couldn't *possibly* fail! CAROLEE CARMELLO The person I play likes to rhyme, It's my only characterization all the time. My poems are always all about love, Cause that's the theme we're forcing down your throat! ...of! NATHAN LANE Who wants to hear jokes about Jews from Florida? Couldn't... *possibly*... TERRENCE MANN (actual line from the musical) What is this, some kind of theme park? AUDIENCE (actual line from the brain) What is this, some kind of theme park? STODGY SCENE: THE WOMEN TALK. BEBE NEUWIRTH Wouldn't it be funny if my dark, depressing outlook on life scared the crap out of you? CAROLEE CARMELLO Yes! BEBE NEUWIRTH Well forget that. Who wants to hear jokes about healthcare? CAROLEE CARMELLO What a waste of jokes about healtchare. STODGY SCENE: THE MEN TALK. NATHAN LANE I liiik yoo. TERRENCE MANN Why? NATHAN LANE Beecuz yor Ohio Accent sounds teeeerrible. TERRENCE MANN So? NATHAN LANE Weeth my Spanish accent, ayy kehn relaytttt. TERRENCE MANN THAT ACCENT IS SPANISH? STODGY SCENE: THE KIDS TALK. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Wouldn't it be funny if Wednesday Addams fell in love, and we got to see what strange, strange kind of relationship an Addams family teenager would have? GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Yes! WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD I agree! Oh well. GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Wednesday, we need to tell your parents who just met me that we have decided to take up the timeworn cliche of running off and getting married without permission. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD No we can't yes we can no we can't yes we can no we can't. Yes we can. GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Glad you worked that out. Creating dramatic tension in musicals is HARD! CUBBY BERNSTEIN What will I do? (sings about this for a bit) JACKIE HOFFMAN Holy crap, how are you singing with your mouth closed? CUBBY BERNSTEIN I'm singing entirely out of my nose. JACKIE HOFFMAN WELL YES WE HEAR THAT. CUBBY BERNSTEIN Jackie Hoffman As Grandmama, I was wondering if you had a potion so my sister won't be in love with the Rock of Ages guy anymore. JACKIE HOFFMAN Yeah, but don't mix it up and accidentally give the potion to somebody else like in Hamlet. CUBBY BERNSTEIN (line written with an exclamation mark, but only acted with a period) I don't understand your references! JACKIE HOFFMAN Is it because you're texting all the time? CUBBY BERNSTEIN No, because I'm playing Pugsley Addams, and the references are incongruous to a musical like this. JACKIE HOFFMAN What a sad, sad waste of Jackie Hoffman. THAT'S ME. Does anybody mind if we skip to the end of the first act? Oh good. SCENE: DINNER. NATHAN LANE Andrew Lippa has a leftover tune he wrote from a musical about circuses, and somehow was permitted to shove it into an Addams Family musical. JACKIE HOFFMAN Wouldn't it be funny if the Addamses served strange foods at a dinner party that the Ohio-ans were creeped out by? CAROLEE CARMELLO Yes it would! JACKIE HOFFMAN Ah, dreams and wishes and dreams. BEBE NEUWIRTH So here's what happens now: we light the Shabbat candles, we say the blessing over the Challah, everybody drinks from a Shabbat wine goblet, then tells a secret. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Let's not do this with guests here please? NATHAN LANE But it's a tradition. We as a family have done it every night at dinner forever. Over 10,000 times now. Me first... Uh... I have a weird bunion on my foot. Next! BEBE NEUWIRTH The other morning I used some eggs beyond their expir-- NATHAN LANE No you used that one *last* night. BEBE NEUWIRTH Oh right. Um... I forgot deodorant today? Next! JACKIE HOFFMAN I'm reusing some ad-libs leftover from Xanadu. Next! CUBBY BERNSTEIN I put some plot item into the beverage that Carolee Carmello drank and it didn't actually make a particularly notable difference in the plot. Next! WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD I'm looking forward to the intermission because we get to go fifteen minutes without hearing Andrew Lippa songs. NATHAN LANE Oooh that's the best one. You win. SCENE: INTERMISSION. YOU Hah. That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be! ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY You haven't met me yet. YOU So? ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY So how far along in the plot of La Cage are we right now? YOU We're a mere fifteen minutes away from the end of the plot of La Cage. ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY And how long do we have left in Addams Family? YOU About seventy, seventy-five min... ACT TWO OF ADDAMS FAMILY (grins) YOU Touche, Act Two. Touche. SCENE: BEBE NEUWERTH'S BIG 9:45 NUMBER. BEBE NEUWIRTH Wouldn't it be funny if I had a song to sing about the wonder and fantastic-ness that is death? SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA It would? BEBE NEUWIRTH If David Yazbek or William Finn wrote it it would.
Still, I don't want to sing the number about growing old that
I had in Chicago. Write me something new. SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA Here you go. BEBE NEUWIRTH (reading over sheet music) Wow. I'm impressed. SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA You like it, Ms. Neuwirth? BEBE NEUWIRTH Hah. No, I just can't believe that you wrote another song that has different lyrics, different notes, and yet is exactly as crappy and forgettable and unfunny as the one we removed. Not even Nathan Lane could save it. SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA But... they say I'm the next Stephen Sondheim. BEBE NEUWIRTH Let's settle this once and for all, Andrew. Who is this "they"? SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA ...people fifteen years ago? BEBE NEUWIRTH Yeah, that's right. SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA Um... what a sad, sad waste of Andrew Lippa..........? BEBE NEUWIRTH No. No Andrew. SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA (sulks) BEBE NEUWIRTH WILL NO ONE IN THIS SHOW GIVE ME SOMETHING TO DO? SCENE: FESTER SINGS ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH THE MOON. Fucking A, where the hell did this idea come from? Oh. This. SCENE: THE ADDAMS FAMILY LIVES IN CENTRAL PARK?
WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD I'm leaving, Daddy. NATHAN LANE What? WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD I love the German Guy from Rock of Ages, and I can't figure out if he and I are NYU and/or Columbia students or what. But we're running away, either together or apart or something. NATHAN LANE OH RIGHT THAT WAS THE MAIN PLOTLINE! I totally forgot! The boy now enters, for plot convenience reasons. They sing rejected melodies from Wicked. GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Wednesday, how can I prove to you that I love you enough to run away with you without actually running away? WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Let me shoot an apple off of your head with a crossbow? GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Really? Will that actually tie up whatever's left of this "loose plotline"? WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Yes. Somehow, yes. GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES What a sad, sad waste of prop apples. SCENE: HAVE WE MENTIONED THE SAD WASTE OF NATHAN LANE YET? BY THE WAY WHERE IS HIS ONE-MAN SHOW ALREADY? NATHAN LANE Bebe Neuwirth, would a tango cheer you up? BEBE NEUWIRTH No. Only one thing would cheer me up. NATHAN LANE I can't invent a time machine to go back and unsign our Addams Family The Musical contracts. BEBE NEUWIRTH (sighs loudly) Then it is hopeless. SCENE: NATHAN LANE, JACKIE HOFFMAN, AND KEVIN CHAMBERLIN NOW HAVE TO SING A SONG ABOUT LOVE, IN AN ADDAMS FAMILY MUSICAL THAT YOU HAVE TO WATCH. JACKIE HOFFMAN (making more damn pop-culture references
instead of, oh maybe ADDAMS FAMILY JOKES?)
Did you know that in 1969 at Woodstock, I gave John Lennon the idea for "All You Need Is Love"? NATHAN LANE I have a copy of the Wikipedia article right here and it says the song was broadcast in June of 1967. JACKIE HOFFMAN Oh... uh... look, it's the original Broadway Javert singing a song about squid rape that somehow managed to not be funny! (runs off) SCENE: THE ENDING. CAROLEE CARMELLO Ah, now we're in love more somehow! TERRENCE MANN Because of me being raped by a squid! Obviously that's the reason! BEBE NEUWIRTH (massaging Nathan Lane's back) Also we are in love. NATHAN LANE Thank you, Bebe. Shows can be heavy! WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Also we're in love. GERMAN GUY FROM ROCK OF AGES Yep. In love. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Yep.... Boring, boring silence. NATHAN LANE That reminds me. Has anybody heard of the term "Silent Bob moment"? WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD What's that? NATHAN LANE It's where the character who doesn't speak finally speaks at the end of the dramatic work, and his line is funny. Wanna try that, Lurch? LURCH (sings lines in a key too low for lyrics to be understood or laughed at) NATHAN LANE Well, I guess we can actually learn something from Young Frankenstein The Musical! BEBE NEUWIRTH What a sad waste of Zachary James. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD ...? BEBE NEUWIRTH He plays Lurch. WEDNESDAY ADDAMS A FEW YEARS TOO OLD Got it. NATHAN LANE Also a sad waste of a Silent Bob moment! GHOSTS Fester, can we go back to our graves now? KEVIN CHAMBERLIN Oh right, you guys. Why did we hire a chorus? GHOSTS (shrug) NATHAN LANE Fester are you going to close the show? KEVIN CHAMBERLIN Right right right, I'm the narrator. And so, everybody lived unhappily ever after. TERRENCE MANN Because it's an Addams Family musical? KEVIN CHAMBERLIN No, because now that this happened, the rights to write an Addams Family Musical will never become available. ENTIRE CAST (singing) WHICH MEANS NOBODY WILL EVER WRITE A GOOD ADDAMS FAMILY MUSICAL EVER! Screech. NATHAN LANE My god, what was that sound? SONGWRITER ANDREW LIPPA Sorry. Must've been a song I wrote. BLACKOUT.