The Tonys 2010: Pre-Abridgement

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Sorry to say that there is no actual THE 2010 TONY AWARDS: ABRIDGED because by the time you are reading this, I will be in abroad on my Honeymoon.  So never mind abridging, I won't even be seeing this year's Tony Awards broadcast.  Will I feel like I've missed anything?  Does a 2010 Tony-nominated musical have wings?




                            THE 2010 TONY AWARDS ABRIDGED
                         AS WRITTEN BY SOMEBODY WHO SKIPPED
                                THE 2010 TONY AWARDS
                          A "Broadway Pre-Abridged" Script
                                                            By Gil Varod






            SCENE: MUSICAL BLENDER #2.


                                   We probably see a whole bunch of this
                                   year's "musicals" do 12-second numbers,
                                   so we can make sure that all of them
                                   look terrible out of context.  Then,
                                   god help us:


                                   SEAN HAYES
            Hi everybody, you know me as the guy who played the gay guy
            in that TV show that you're the entire target audience of. 
            BUT I CAN PLAY STRAIGHT PEOPLE TOO!


                                   KRISTIN CHENOWETH
            AND EVERYBODY CAN GO TO HELL!


                                   SOME WEIRDLY CHOSEN
                                   PRESENTER
            And the award for best play goes to... A BUNCH OF PEOPLE
            SITTING AROUND AND TALKING!


                                   PRODUCERS OF, WELL,      
                                   WHO CARES
            We'd like to thank WHY DO WE GET TO SAY THANK YOU SPEECHES?


                                   HALF-FAMOUS PRESENTER
            And now for the award for best score.  And it goes to... IT'S
            A TIE!  Best score is shared by ENRON and FENCES!


                                   PEOPLE WHO WROTE THE SCORES
                                   FOR ENRON AND FENCES
            What?  You say this is improbable?  Then why are we nominated
            IN REAL LIFE?  Because a nomination is a vote for someone
            being win-worthy, isn't it?  That's what DICTIONARIES say!


                                   GREEN DAY
            Hi, we're here to pretend that American Idiot was supposed to
            be a musical with zero book all along!  Ahem hem!


                                   GUY WHO WAS ONCE ON BROADWAY
                                   FOR A HOT SECOND BEFORE HE
                                   WAS FAMOUS PRESENTING WITH A
                                   WOMAN ONLY FAG HAGS LIKE
            And the award for best revival is obviously La Cage.


                                   LA CAGE PRODUCERS
                          (accepting award)
            And now it's going to be okay to produce Guys And Dolls every
            three years until rights become free!


                                   NATHAN LANE
            I am not nominated this year for carrying a small universe on
            my back, but I'll likely present anyway because I'm a GOD
            DAMNED GENTLEMAN.  Here's a number from my show.


                                   That happens.


                                   MEMPHIS
            You all hated me, now rally around me!


                                   That happens.


                                   Yawn.


                                   SEAN HAYES
            HAVE I MENTIONED YET HOW MUCH I LIKE ACTING STRAIGHT?  Now to
            present the award for best musical, here's Christopher Walken
            and the robot from WALL-E for some reason.


                                   CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
            And the award for best musical goes to...
                          (opens envelope)
            Nobody.
            Nobody wins for best musical, because as much as people for
            decades have said that "this year Broadway wasn't as good as
            past years", this year, it was REALLY TRUE.
            Boy, seems like a particularly good year to miss the Tonys
            because of a honeymoon, doesn't it.


                                        BLACKOUT.

Classic Broadway Abridged Scripts

1 Comment

Nicely done mate. All the best for your honeymoon, and congratulations!

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