Sorry to say that there is no actual THE 2010 TONY AWARDS: ABRIDGED because by the time you are reading this, I will be in abroad on my Honeymoon. So never mind abridging, I won't even be seeing this year's
Tony Awards broadcast. Will I feel like I've missed anything? Does a 2010 Tony-nominated musical have wings?
THE 2010 TONY AWARDS ABRIDGED AS WRITTEN BY SOMEBODY WHO SKIPPED THE 2010 TONY AWARDS A "Broadway Pre-Abridged" Script By Gil Varod SCENE: MUSICAL BLENDER #2. We probably see a whole bunch of this year's "musicals" do 12-second numbers, so we can make sure that all of them look terrible out of context. Then, god help us: SEAN HAYES Hi everybody, you know me as the guy who played the gay guy in that TV show that you're the entire target audience of. BUT I CAN PLAY STRAIGHT PEOPLE TOO! KRISTIN CHENOWETH AND EVERYBODY CAN GO TO HELL! SOME WEIRDLY CHOSEN PRESENTER And the award for best play goes to... A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SITTING AROUND AND TALKING! PRODUCERS OF, WELL, WHO CARES We'd like to thank WHY DO WE GET TO SAY THANK YOU SPEECHES? HALF-FAMOUS PRESENTER And now for the award for best score. And it goes to... IT'S A TIE! Best score is shared by ENRON and FENCES! PEOPLE WHO WROTE THE SCORES FOR ENRON AND FENCES What? You say this is improbable? Then why are we nominated IN REAL LIFE? Because a nomination is a vote for someone being win-worthy, isn't it? That's what DICTIONARIES say! GREEN DAY Hi, we're here to pretend that American Idiot was supposed to be a musical with zero book all along! Ahem hem! GUY WHO WAS ONCE ON BROADWAY FOR A HOT SECOND BEFORE HE WAS FAMOUS PRESENTING WITH A WOMAN ONLY FAG HAGS LIKE And the award for best revival is obviously La Cage. LA CAGE PRODUCERS (accepting award) And now it's going to be okay to produce Guys And Dolls every three years until rights become free! NATHAN LANE I am not nominated this year for carrying a small universe on my back, but I'll likely present anyway because I'm a GOD DAMNED GENTLEMAN. Here's a number from my show. That happens. MEMPHIS You all hated me, now rally around me! That happens. Yawn. SEAN HAYES HAVE I MENTIONED YET HOW MUCH I LIKE ACTING STRAIGHT? Now to present the award for best musical, here's Christopher Walken and the robot from WALL-E for some reason. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN And the award for best musical goes to... (opens envelope) Nobody. Nobody wins for best musical, because as much as people for decades have said that "this year Broadway wasn't as good as past years", this year, it was REALLY TRUE. Boy, seems like a particularly good year to miss the Tonys because of a honeymoon, doesn't it. BLACKOUT.