SMASH Abridged: Episode 1

| 3 Comments
I thought this might be fun to try.
                                 SEASON 1 EPISODE 1
                                         OR
               ALL ABOUT THE AUDACITY OF USING THE PHRASE "INTRODUCING
            KATHARINE MCPHEE" UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT WE'VE NEVER HEARD
                     OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED "AMERICAN IDOL"
                                     A Smash Abridged Script by Gil Varod






            SCENE: THE INSIDE OF SOMEONE'S MIND, WHICH IS A MUSICAL IF
            WE'VE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM "CHICAGO".


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
                          (singing)
            SOME-WHEEEERRREEEE
            OVER THE RAIN-BOW
            WAAAAAYYY
            UUUUPPP
            HIIIII--


                                   BITCHY DIRECTOR STEREOTYPE
            Yeah, thanks, that's all we need.  After all, nobody *really*
            wanted to hear more than the bare minimum of a Broadway song
            in this TV show.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            It's actually from a mov--


                                   BITCHY DIRECTOR STEREOTYPE
            NEXT!






            SCENE: CHRISTIAN BORLE IS ON YOUR TV!


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Hey writing partner Debra Messing, I have a new assistant,
            and he's sssssuper cute.


                                   AND GRACE
            So that's it, I'm going to forever be known as the girl who
            has a gay best friend.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            But this time your gay best friend is just playing his Angels
            in America role again!


                                   AND GRACE
            Oh look, a Marylin Monroe book.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            We should write a Marilyn Monroe musical, because there's a
            Marilyn Monroe book on my coffee table!


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            ISN'T THE BRAINSTORMING OF NEW MUSICALS EXCITING DRAMA?


                                   Enter Brian D'Arcy James.  On your TV!


                                   SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
            I hate theatre.  That is my defining characteristic.  
            Also: eyebrows.


                                   AND GRACE
            You and I are adopting a baby together!


                                   SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
            But according to ridiculous TV rules, you couldn't *possibly*
            adopt a baby and write a musical at the same time!


                                   SHREK AND GRACE
            WHAT A WONDERFUL POINT OF CONTENTION THAT WILL SURELY BE
            STRONG ENOUGH TO LAST 15+ EPISODES!






            SCENE: NEW YORK CITY SCENE ACTUALLY SHOT IN NEW YORK CITY


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            My parents are coming to visit next week.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
            I know.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            They have a hard time with New York.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
            I'm aware of that.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            The last time they were here they spent two days trying to
            convince me to move back to the midwest, where all wide-eyed
            Broadway hopefuls are from.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
            Why... Why are you telling me this?


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            Because Peabody-award winning writer Theresa Rebeck is
            hopelessly befuddled by the notion of exposition.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
            Excellent, we're learning more and more about Broadway norms
            by the minute!






            SCENE: MEGAN HILTY OUT-ACTS EVERYBODY WITH ONE LINE.


                                   MEGAN HILTY
            My Mom doesn't love me enough.






            SCENE: DEBRA MESSING ILLUSTRATES HOW BROADWAY WRITERS DO
            RESEARCH ON THE INTERNET.


                                   AND GRACE
            Haha, this Marilyn Monroe movie is so funny!
            Oh gotta click on this Youtube link to watch the next part of
            it...
            Or I could take a break and watch this dog in a Marilyn
            Outfit video it's suggesting...
            Who is that politician?
            Gotta check wikipedia to see...
            Wow his wife looks familiar...
            CSI!  I saw that episode!
            Wait it was directed by who?


                                   She wikipedia surfs for another hour
                                   and a half, then falls asleep into her
                                   laptop after another unproductive night
                                   of research.


                                   Just like real theatre writers!






            SCENE: MEGAN HILTY RECORDS A DEMO OF THE ONE SONG THEY'VE
            WRITTEN.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            That's great Megan Hilty.  You're my favorite, which means
            that undoubtedly the director I clash with will be backing a
            different Marilyn.


                                   His assistant films this, and then
                                   proceeds to leak it.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
                          (to his Assistant)
            You put our demo song on the Internet while we were still
            working on the musical?  I will ignore that leaking a song early
            is a totally common thing called "building buzz",
            and instead I will fire you.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE'S ASSISTANT
                          (actual dialogue)
            I didn't know what I was doing was...
            *No*.
            I'm sorry.  I *did* know it was wrong.
            I was just so excited to be here, to be a part of *this*.  
            I just...
                          (wistful gaze off into the
                           distance)
            I felt happy.
            Even just being backstage, I dunno, I felt
                          (aww shucks)
            *Whole*.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            How can I say no to dialogue by the woman who wrote that
            Broadway play that people are seeing solely because Alan
            Rickman is in it?






            SCENE: ANJELICA HUSTON IS IN THIS TV SHOW.


                                   ANJELICA HUSTON
            You guys have one song written?  Then this show is ready to
            start an audition aimed at Broadway.  Don't worry, I'll take
            care of getting the director in between the scenes like it's
            magic.


                                   That happens.


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            I've staged the entire song with a huge equity cast.  


                                   We watch a big dream ballet with
                                   baseballs.


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            This shows that I am a brilliant director because I know how
            to Choreograph, and of course all Director/Choreographers are
            great at both.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Nooooooo I have unresolved issues with you, Jack Davenport!


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            Right, in our respective pasts we--


                                   AND GRACE 
            Shhh!  The longer we go without talking about "what
            happened", the longer we can pretend there's dramatic
            tension!


                                   ANJELICA HUSTON
            That's okay, I'll convince Christian Borle to hire Jack
            Davenport as director in between the scenes, as my character
            is wont to do.
                          (does so)
            With not even a first draft of this show, let's definitely
            spend the money and time on auditions!


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            Hi, I'm the girl next door.  You can tell this because I am a
            brunette.


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            What do you have for us?


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
                          (sings a Christina Aguilera
                           song into an auto-tune app)


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            We clearly said to sing a musical theatre song, but let's
            ignore that and decide to call you back anyway.


                                   MEGAN HILTY
            And me?


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            And you, Megan.


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            Listen guys, I love the songs, the script needs work, but
            without a Marilyn we're nothing.


                                   AND GRACE
            We haven't even begun writing the script for Marilyn.


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            What?  No, I was talking about the Pilot of "Smash".


                                   Katharine McPhee and Megan Hilty sing
                                   back and forth attempting to make you
                                   root for Katharine McPhee to be cast
                                   when, really, you'd surely rather see
                                   Hilty play the role.


                                   ANNOUNCER
            Stay tuned for a preview of this season of Smash.  Because if
            this doesn't save NBC, our last chance against bankruptcy is
            to become a Seinfeld-only reruns channel.  
            Which would be a shame, because HAVE YOU SEEN COMMUNITY?


                                        BLACKOUT.

Other SMASH Abridged Episodes

Classic Broadway Abridged Scripts

3 Comments

Hilarious! can't wait for more!j
This is absolute gold!! Please keep Abridging Smash!
I miss Community :(

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