I thought this might be fun to try.
SEASON 1 EPISODE 1 OR ALL ABOUT THE AUDACITY OF USING THE PHRASE "INTRODUCING KATHARINE MCPHEE" UNDER THE ASSUMPTION THAT WE'VE NEVER HEARD OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED "AMERICAN IDOL" A Smash Abridged Script by Gil Varod SCENE: THE INSIDE OF SOMEONE'S MIND, WHICH IS A MUSICAL IF WE'VE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM "CHICAGO". KATHARINE MCPHEE (singing) SOME-WHEEEERRREEEE OVER THE RAIN-BOW WAAAAAYYY UUUUPPP HIIIII-- BITCHY DIRECTOR STEREOTYPE Yeah, thanks, that's all we need. After all, nobody *really* wanted to hear more than the bare minimum of a Broadway song in this TV show. KATHARINE MCPHEE It's actually from a mov-- BITCHY DIRECTOR STEREOTYPE NEXT! SCENE: CHRISTIAN BORLE IS ON YOUR TV! CHRISTIAN BORLE Hey writing partner Debra Messing, I have a new assistant, and he's sssssuper cute. AND GRACE So that's it, I'm going to forever be known as the girl who has a gay best friend. CHRISTIAN BORLE But this time your gay best friend is just playing his Angels in America role again! AND GRACE Oh look, a Marylin Monroe book. CHRISTIAN BORLE We should write a Marilyn Monroe musical, because there's a Marilyn Monroe book on my coffee table! CHRISTIAN BORLE ISN'T THE BRAINSTORMING OF NEW MUSICALS EXCITING DRAMA? Enter Brian D'Arcy James. On your TV! SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP I hate theatre. That is my defining characteristic. Also: eyebrows. AND GRACE You and I are adopting a baby together! SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP But according to ridiculous TV rules, you couldn't *possibly* adopt a baby and write a musical at the same time! SHREK AND GRACE WHAT A WONDERFUL POINT OF CONTENTION THAT WILL SURELY BE STRONG ENOUGH TO LAST 15+ EPISODES! SCENE: NEW YORK CITY SCENE ACTUALLY SHOT IN NEW YORK CITY KATHARINE MCPHEE My parents are coming to visit next week. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND I know. KATHARINE MCPHEE They have a hard time with New York. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND I'm aware of that. KATHARINE MCPHEE The last time they were here they spent two days trying to convince me to move back to the midwest, where all wide-eyed Broadway hopefuls are from. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND Why... Why are you telling me this? KATHARINE MCPHEE Because Peabody-award winning writer Theresa Rebeck is hopelessly befuddled by the notion of exposition. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND Excellent, we're learning more and more about Broadway norms by the minute! SCENE: MEGAN HILTY OUT-ACTS EVERYBODY WITH ONE LINE. MEGAN HILTY My Mom doesn't love me enough. SCENE: DEBRA MESSING ILLUSTRATES HOW BROADWAY WRITERS DO RESEARCH ON THE INTERNET. AND GRACE Haha, this Marilyn Monroe movie is so funny! Oh gotta click on this Youtube link to watch the next part of it... Or I could take a break and watch this dog in a Marilyn Outfit video it's suggesting... Who is that politician? Gotta check wikipedia to see... Wow his wife looks familiar... CSI! I saw that episode! Wait it was directed by who? She wikipedia surfs for another hour and a half, then falls asleep into her laptop after another unproductive night of research. Just like real theatre writers! SCENE: MEGAN HILTY RECORDS A DEMO OF THE ONE SONG THEY'VE WRITTEN. CHRISTIAN BORLE That's great Megan Hilty. You're my favorite, which means that undoubtedly the director I clash with will be backing a different Marilyn. His assistant films this, and then proceeds to leak it. CHRISTIAN BORLE (to his Assistant) You put our demo song on the Internet while we were still working on the musical? I will ignore that leaking a song early is a totally common thing called "building buzz", and instead I will fire you. CHRISTIAN BORLE'S ASSISTANT (actual dialogue) I didn't know what I was doing was... *No*. I'm sorry. I *did* know it was wrong. I was just so excited to be here, to be a part of *this*. I just... (wistful gaze off into the distance) I felt happy. Even just being backstage, I dunno, I felt (aww shucks) *Whole*. CHRISTIAN BORLE How can I say no to dialogue by the woman who wrote that Broadway play that people are seeing solely because Alan Rickman is in it? SCENE: ANJELICA HUSTON IS IN THIS TV SHOW. ANJELICA HUSTON You guys have one song written? Then this show is ready to start an audition aimed at Broadway. Don't worry, I'll take care of getting the director in between the scenes like it's magic. That happens. JACK DAVENPORT I've staged the entire song with a huge equity cast. We watch a big dream ballet with baseballs. JACK DAVENPORT This shows that I am a brilliant director because I know how to Choreograph, and of course all Director/Choreographers are great at both. CHRISTIAN BORLE Nooooooo I have unresolved issues with you, Jack Davenport! JACK DAVENPORT Right, in our respective pasts we-- AND GRACE Shhh! The longer we go without talking about "what happened", the longer we can pretend there's dramatic tension! ANJELICA HUSTON That's okay, I'll convince Christian Borle to hire Jack Davenport as director in between the scenes, as my character is wont to do. (does so) With not even a first draft of this show, let's definitely spend the money and time on auditions! KATHARINE MCPHEE Hi, I'm the girl next door. You can tell this because I am a brunette. JACK DAVENPORT What do you have for us? KATHARINE MCPHEE (sings a Christina Aguilera song into an auto-tune app) JACK DAVENPORT We clearly said to sing a musical theatre song, but let's ignore that and decide to call you back anyway. MEGAN HILTY And me? CHRISTIAN BORLE And you, Megan. JACK DAVENPORT Listen guys, I love the songs, the script needs work, but without a Marilyn we're nothing. AND GRACE We haven't even begun writing the script for Marilyn. JACK DAVENPORT What? No, I was talking about the Pilot of "Smash". Katharine McPhee and Megan Hilty sing back and forth attempting to make you root for Katharine McPhee to be cast when, really, you'd surely rather see Hilty play the role. ANNOUNCER Stay tuned for a preview of this season of Smash. Because if this doesn't save NBC, our last chance against bankruptcy is to become a Seinfeld-only reruns channel. Which would be a shame, because HAVE YOU SEEN COMMUNITY? BLACKOUT.