SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 9: HELL ON EARTH
or
THE EPISODE WITH TWO MINUTES OF NORBERT LEO BUTZ

A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod

SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH...

JACK DAVENPORT

We're still together, even though you're angry at every single other person involved in the Marilyn workshop?

MEGAN HILTY

Aww, how can I possibly stay mad at you, you Simon Cowell rip-off? 

They nuzzle.

SCENE: MEGAN HILTY AND BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY HAVE BREAKFAST.

MEGAN HILTY

Is it clear enough that I'm a Marilyn parallel?

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

Yes!

MEGAN HILTY

What if I also take a billion drugs?

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

Still yes!

MEGAN HILTY

But my drugs are prescription meds. Maybe I need to make it clearer?

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

My God we get it!

SCENE: ANJELICA HUSTON'S OFFICE.

JACK DAVENPORT

If you want me to continue to be involved, I need an actually-finished script. I need you guys to spend a little more time doing the necessary rewrites. We should have a better title. And the show would sell much better with a star in the lead.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Asshole.

AND GRACE

Asshole.

ANJELICA HUSTON

Asshole.

JACK DAVENPORT

WHY DO THESE THINGS MAKE ME AN ASSHOLE?

ANJELICA HUSTON

Now we have to do a Michael Riedel cameo. Thanks a lot, Davenport.

SCENE: AUDITION FOR AN ORANGE JUICE COMMERCIAL.

AUDITION MANAGER

Why are you late for your audition, Megan Hilty?

MEGAN HILTY

I realized that no matter how many cliches this show uses up, there will always be more if you look hard enough.

Suddenly Megan Hilty and Katharine McPhee bump into each other.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Whoops! I dropped my sunglasses!

MEGAN HILTY

Me too! Let's switch them--this will be a rock-solid reason for us to have to encounter each other again at the end of this episode!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Heartily agreed! If Sunglasses can't fuel a SMASH plot point, what *can*?

SCENE: MEGAN HILTY'S APARTMENT.

MEGAN HILTY

Who wants to watch me take drugs while I look at myself in the mirror where there are lots of pictures of Marilyn Monroe?

That HAPPENS.

SCENE: MEGAN HILTY'S DRESSING ROOM.

MEGAN HILTY

I still don't think my Marilyn-like downfall is clear enough. I know! I can take some drugs while I look at myself in the mirror, where there are lots of pictures of Marilyn Monroe!

(to audience while "Let Me Be Your Star" plays in Minor)

DO YOU GET IT YET, YOU MORONS!

SCENE: THE SUPPOSEDLY-HIT BROADWAY MUSICAL THAT CHRISTIAN BORLE AND DEBRA MESSING WROTE.

People dance around onstage dressed like angels in a way that only won't make sense if, say, the show hadn't bothered telling us even one sentence about HEAVEN ON EARTH's plot.

MEGAN HILTY

I'm in the chorus again, and apparently such a bitch now that I can't even fake-smile through three minutes onstage. I know what would at least get me to smile onstage--too many drugs! LIKE MARILYN! 

We see a clip of Christian Borle and Debra Messing's esteemed score to show you how great they are as respected Broadway songwriters.

CHORUS

(actual lyrics)

WELCOME WELCOME RECENTLY DECEASED
WHETHER DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN, CHORUS GIRL OR PRIEST
THOUGH YOU CLOSED UP SHOP AND YOU RECENTLY DEPARTED
WE'RE AFRAID THE FINAL TEST HAS ONLY JUST STARTED.

SHOT OF:

AUDIENCE

(who *actually* looks bored)

Enter esteemed musical theatre actor NORBERT LEO BUTZ as this episode's saving grace no wait now he's gone darn you missed him.

SCENE: DEBRA MESSING'S HOME.

Brian D'arcy James plays a song that Debra Messing wrote.

BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES

(yes, more actual lyrics)

TONIGHT MY THOUGHTS WERE ALL OF YOU
BUT NO ONE ELSE COULD KNOW
AND SO I LIED ONE I LOVE TO FIND YOU IN THE DARK
AND SHARE THE BLISS OF ONE MORE KISS
UPON THE BROOKLYN BRIDGE.

AND GRACE

...where did you find that?

BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES

On your side of the bed. After multiple episodes where it didn't even occur to me, I now immediately know that you obviously cheated on me with Will Chase, because I read/sung these terrible lyrics you wrote.

AND GRACE

Then you definitely shouldn't go see my Broadway show from the previous scene; they're all terrible lyrics too.

BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES

AND WHAT ABOUT THE MUSIC, DEBRA?!?!? CLEARLY YOU DIDN'T WRITE THE MUSIC!

WE FLASH BACK TO:

SCENE: SOME YEARS AGO.

AND GRACE

Christian, I wrote some lyrics about how I cheated on my husband.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Oh give that here, clearly it would be a good idea for me to set it to music.

AND GRACE

Christian, you're such a good friend-slash-composer.

FLASH FORWARD TO:

SCENE: ORANGE JUICE COMMERCIAL, present.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Why am I doing this entire commercial in greenscreen?

ORANGE JUICE COMMERCIAL DIRECTOR

You're Katharine McPhee. So we're going to CGI-in the acting.

SCENE: SHOWDOWN BETWEEN BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES AND WILL CHASE.

WILL CHASE

Ugh am I still in this series?

Brian D'Arcy James punches Will Chase.

BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES

That felt great! Now I'm going to go punch Ellis and the awful actor who plays my son.

SCENE: MEGAN HILTY AND CHORUSMEMBERS ARE OUT DRINKING.

MEGAN HILTY

I can't believe I'm stuck as a shitty chorusmember! What a shitty awful existence!

HER CHORUSMEMBER FRIENDS

There there. This doesn't insult us at all.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

(entering)

Wait! Saying there there is supposed to be my job! If only I wasn't late telling my lover that I hate republicans, just in case there were a few of them left still watching this show.

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

Don't worry about it, Christian. Have a Sports-Are-Great Beer. Wow I haven't been out this late since the Bruins won the Stanley Cup!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Wasn't that only last year?

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

Uh--

CHRISTIAN BORLE

And don't you keep talking about liking New York sports teams? No self-respecting New Yorker would root for any Boston-based sports team. Not even ironically.

BLACK GAY SPORTS GUY

I... I just root for effort?

SCENE: KATHARINE MCPHEE AND MEGAN HILTY MEET IN TIMES SQUARE.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Megan Hilty, I saw you stumble and faint onstage.

MEGAN HILTY

Of course! Of course you were there to see that! Of course there was a forced reason for you to have seen EVERYTHING!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Well, you have two options. One, you could go back to being Glinda in Wicked, which I can't understand why this show insists you left in order to be a chorusmember in that Heaven show.

MEGAN HILTY

Or?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Or you can get drunk and sing a song with me in front of a green-screened Times Square because there's only 10 minutes left and neither of us have had a solo yet.

MEGAN HILTY

Well we have to be nicer to each other now that there's a new Marilyn actress next week; why not do it via the lazy device of alcohol?

KATHARINE MCPHEE AND MEGAN HILTY

(singing)

ALCOHOL MAKES ALL DRAMATIC ELEMENTS BELIEVABLE!

They sing in an alternate-universe Times Square full of billboards implying that the Bernadette Peters Gypsy has apparently been running since 2003. 

Shudder.

SCENE: DEBRA MESSING AND WILL CHASE MEET up Again?

AND GRACE

Thanks for meeting me. What happened to your face?

WILL CHASE

Your husband hit me.

AND GRACE

I'm sorry. Now I'm going to walk away.

She starts walking.

WILL CHASE

Wait--why did you ask me to meet you here?

AND GRACE

To check if you got punched in the face or anything. You did, and I'm done. Why, is that a weird reason to meet?

A voiceover:

NBC ANNOUNCER

Don't tune in next week. I won't.

BLACKOUT.