SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 7:
Worst Workshop Ever

A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod

SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH...

WILL CHASE

Let's fuck, Debra Messing.

AND GRACE

no i can't no i can't no I can't no i can't no i can't no i can't okay.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I got called by a BIG NAME RECORD PRODUCER! Imagine what a HUGE DENT this will make in the plot!

SCENE: THE LAST DAY OF REHEARSAL.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

So I decided not to go meet the BIG NAME RECORD PRODUCER.

MEGAN HILTY

You mean that whole Bar Mitzvah segment was for NOTHING? No more lines for you this episode, POOR MAN'S RACHEL MCADAMS.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Can I at least sing my OBLIGATORY overly produced pop song after saying that I'm really more of a "theater performer?"

MEGAN HILTY

Only if we get to do that cliche of the bored recording tech suddenly SITTING UP AND PAYING ATTENTION because you're supposedly so fucking good and he's NEVER HEARD GOOD SINGING BEFORE.

Suddenly BERNADETTE PETERS relegates herself to being in this show!

BERNADETTE FUCKING PETERS

I am wearing heels!

REST OF CAST

HAHAHAHAHAHAHWHYAREWELAUGHINGTHATWASNTEVENAJOKEHAHAHAHAHAH.
Now sing "Everything's Coming Up Roses" so we can NOT DO JUSTICE to a Gypsy plotline!

BERNADETTE FUCKING PETERS

I couldn't possibly sing that.

REST OF CAST

Because it would remind everybody why Gypsy had to be revived again on Broadway ONLY FOUR YEARS after you were in it?

BERNADETTE FUCKING PETERS

I was going to say because we don't sing Musical Theatre songs in this show, but that works too.

Will Chase and Debra Messing HOLD HANDS.

WILL CHASE

"What I want is what's here, what's REAL BETWEEN US. And you keep lying. You lie every day. Every day is a lie with you."

AND GRACE

Whoa, if I wrote that actual dialogue, I would be considered a TERRIBLE BOOKWRITER! Nonetheless I will continue to perpetuate the cliche of women falling in love with SCUMBAGS.

WILL CHASE

Awesome.

AND GRACE

WAIT! I suddenly changed my fickle, fickle mind again. I totally forgot that I have a FAMILY!

WILL CHASE

WHAT IF I GRABBED YOUR WRIST LIKE THIS?

AND GRACE

It would mean that you tenderly love and/or lust me!

Debra Messing suddenly runs out into the hallway to be consoled by her gay best friend.

AND GRACE

Oh, Peter and the Starcatcher's Christian Borle!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

There, there.

AND GRACE

(stops crying)

That was apparently all I needed!

Enter Megan Hilty.

MEGAN HILTY

(in tears)

Oh gay best friend, my mom is Bernadette Peters and I guess this upsets me!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

There, there.

MEGAN HILTY

(suddenly not crying)

Whoa, why the hell does that work!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Cliche Gay Best Friend Character Syndrome.  Does anybody else need a gay guy to say "there, there" to them?

SCENE: ANJELICA HUSTON'S DUMB PLOT OF THE WEEK.

ANJELICA HUSTON

I'm learning how to fix a BOILER!

Riveting.

SCENE: DEBRA MESSING'S HOME.

AND GRACE

MY WORKSHOP IS TOMORROW.

DEBRA MESSING'S SON

mumble mumble mumble mumble mumble.

AND GRACE

HOW DARE YOU MUMBLE AT MY INABILITY TO HAVE CHILDREN!

DEBRA MESSING'S SON

mumble mumble mumble i presumed Dad was the one with the narrow urethra.

AND GRACE

I hope you die this season.

DEBRA MESSING'S SON

(nodding)

mumble.

SCENE: MORNING OF THE WORKSHOP.

We are treated to a DRAMATIC REENACTMENT of the half hour before a workshop where people are just MILLING AROUND WAITING.

Fun!

JACK DAVENPORT

First off, Megan Hilty, I want to say that you're both really TALENTED and a TALENTLESS NOBODY, because none of the writers want to make any choices about my character.

MEGAN HILTY

Uh, okay.

JACK DAVENPORT

And workshop attendees, I'd like to welcome you to something no other television show has done before.
From the people who thought that a-trip-back home-to-remember-where-you-came-from belongs in episode three, it's... THE FIRST TELEVISION SHOW TO DO A CLIP SHOW IN EPISODE SEVEN!

That HAPPENS.

End-to-end, MARILYN THE MUSICAL has only been figured out by the show's writers to this extent:

MEGAN HILTY (AS MARILYN)

(singing)

LET ME BE YOUR STAR.

CHORUS

(singing)

ACT FOR 20TH CENTURY FOX!

WILL CHASE (AS JOE DIMAGGIO)

(singing)

I LOVE YOU MARILYN!

MEGAN HILTY (AS MARILYN)

(singing)

I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE BASEBALL!

WILL CHASE (AS JOE DIMAGGIO)

(singing)

But MARILYN, YOU'RE WHOREY.

(MEGAN HILTY (AS MARILYN) )

(with blowing skirt)

Don't leave me!

(immediate segue into curtain call music as opposed to, say, a certain famous death.)

JFK AND MARILYN MONROE'S SUICIDE

The musical's writers don't seem to have figured out how to address us!

ARTHUR MILLER, MARILYN'S FINAL HUSBAND

Here's a suggestion: I wrote a play about Marilyn called AFTER THE FALL. Take it. Use it.  Steal from it liberally. I'm dead, why would I care? Jesus it's only $6.78 new on Amazon!

SCENE: EVERYBODY DISCUSSES THE workshop.

JACK DAVENPORT

(reading)

Insiders indicated it was in serious trouble. One longtime producer called it "confused".

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Are we just pre-writing the horrible reviews for when SMASH reaches Broadway in real life? I think there's a psychological term for that.

JACK DAVENPORT

Megan Hilty, you were terrible.

MEGAN HILTY

Based on what?

JACK DAVENPORT

You slightly slipped on one or two setpieces.  So.

MEGAN HILTY

Then I stand mistaken.

BERNADETTE FUCKING PETERS

(to Megan Hilty)

Everybody was great except you!

MEGAN HILTY

Why can't you tell me I was great, mother!

BERNADETTE FUCKING PETERS 

(while dramatic music plays)

Because I think you're great but I don't want to tell you because then I would disappoint you.

MEGAN HILTY

ARE YOU JUST THROWING WORDS TOGETHER AND HOPING THAT THEY ARE GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT?!?!??

BERNADETTE FUCKING PETERS

I don't know, but thanks for letting me guest star. Here's a GLAAD award I'll be presenting SMASH for your fair, accurate and inclusive representations of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community and the issues that affect their lives.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

There, there.

BLACK GAY GUY

SPORTS! SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRTTTTSSSS!

BLACKOUT.