Much like the television show, the NES adaptation of SMASH
features double-fisted action.
features double-fisted action.
SMASH EPISODE 2 ABRIDGED OR THE CALLBACK (FOR A WORKSHOP OF A MUSICAL (THAT PROBABLY HAS NO EFFECT ON THE CASTING ONCE IT MOVES TO BROADWAY (WHEN THEY'LL JUST RECAST WITH HAYLIE DUFF OR SOMETHING))) A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH... KATHARINE MCPHEE Oh director, how many times should I do shakes and shimmies while the dialogues insists that I, quote, "can't do sexy"? JACK DAVENPORT How should I know, my character's British and nobody knows what the motivations are for British people. Except for taking back the 13 colonies and, of course, wanting to fuck brunettes from American Idol. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S MOM KATHARINE, given that I'm telling you that you should marry your boyfriend, clearly you're going to break up at some point! CHRISTIAN BORLE Debra Messing, did you see NBC force every one of their shows to join in a musical number just to promote this show? AND GRACE What? I can't hear you over me hanging myself with this scarf as endless tea is poured directly down my throat. SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP NOOOOOOOO MY EYEBROWS WILL SAVE YOOOOOUUUUU! SCENE: THE INSIDE OF SOMEONE'S MIND, WHICH IS A MUSICAL IF WE'VE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM "CABARET". KATHARINE MCPHEE (slow gestures that would make a deaf person assume she's singing Celine Dion) CALL ME WHEN YOU WANT A SHOW `BOUT BROADWAY WITHOUT BROADWAY SONGS CALL ME WHEN YOU PRETEND A SHOWTUNE SOUNDS LIKE BLONDIE'S SONG "CALL ME"-- Suddenly she's waitressing again, in case you forgot she's a cliche. KATHARINE MCPHEE ...Am I going to dream I'm singing in the first scene of every friggin episode?!? SCENE: MEGAN HILTY GETS TO TALK TO CHARACTERS THAT AREN'T A TELEPHONE. MEGAN'S MALE FRIEND So you have a callback? MEGAN HILTY I have a callback. MEGAN'S FEMALE FRIEND And KATHARINE McPhee has a callback? MEGAN HILTY KATHARINE McPhee has a callback. MEGAN'S MALE FRIEND So you and KATHARINE McPhee both have callbacks. MEGAN HILTY Yes. MEGAN'S FEMALE FRIEND Do only one of you have callbacks? MEGAN HILTY No. MEGAN'S FEMALE FRIEND Both of you have callbacks. MEGAN HILTY Yes. MEGAN'S MALE FRIEND Both you and KATHARINE McPhee. MEGAN HILTY Yes, both of us. This was a real useful talk. SERIES CREATOR THERESA REBECK Since this series was originally created for Showtime, I had to take out all the parts of the show that had full frontal nudity and replace them with random words strung together that I like to pretend are "scenes". SCENE: DEBRA MESSING AND BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES ARE AT THE ADOPTION AGENCY. ADOPTION WOMAN You guys have been together for 18 years? SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP Yep, unheard of in show business. HAVE THERE BEEN ENOUGH LINES YET ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE BROADWAY YET? AND GRACE Please, Adoption Agency Representative, tell us more about the nuances of adopting a baby from China, because that's clearly what everybody tuned into SMASH to hear all about. (gags) SCENE: LET'S FIND OUT HOW PEOPLE WRITE MUSICALS. CHRISTIAN BORLE So I'm going to take this stack of cards naming all the songs we've written, shuffle them, toss them at a wall, and we'll do the musical in whatever order they stick. AND GRACE Well yes, that is exactly how good musicals are written. Christian Borle and Debra Messing break character and snicker. ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER (also snickering) Ha ha... Hey what are we all laughing at? CHRISTIAN BORLE'S ASSISTANT Is now a good time for me to enter the scene and make it painfully obvious that I have nefarious intentions? Because since the pilot filmed, I figured out how to play this character like I'm a bad guy from a Muppet film. SCENE: KATHARINE MCPHEE'S CALLBACK. KATHARINE MCPHEE Hi everyone, I'm required to mention the phrase "police action on the subway" to try to convince people how "New York" this "show" "is". Anyway, here's me acting out the callback scene. (from script) i can't help the way they look at me joe. it's my job to look like this. i want to, joe. JACK DAVENPORT I see you come from the "pretend the furthest audience member is half a foot away" school of acting. By the way, I thought you'd like to meet Megan Hilty since you're auditioning for the same role. You know, just like how, uh, all of the people who make final callbacks for Christine in "Phantom" get to go on a retreat together to become the bestest of friends. SCENE: CITY HALL. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND KATHARINE McPhee, would you like a New York Street hot dog boiled in nasty hot dog juice? They are DEFINITELY something that actual New Yorkers WOULDN'T avoid eating, no matter HOW hungry. KATHARINE MCPHEE As an actress trying to keep my body fit, I eat these all the time! KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND Would you like to talk about how your director is British, in case the audience doesn't get it from his accent? KATHARINE MCPHEE Oh yes, that is definitely worth a chunk of dramatic narrative. SCENE: DEBRA MESSING'S HOME. SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP I'm sorry, I don't want to adopt the baby. I want to go back to work, which I haven't been able to do... because... you write musicals, I guess? Also I'm afraid my eyebrows might eat the baby. BORED-LOOKING SON Well that's just great. SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP You shouldn't be sitting offstage secretly listening like an episode of King of Queens! BORED-LOOKING SON But it's the only way Theresa Rebeck knows how to introduce me into a scene. (actual dialogue:) We've been talking about this forever. When I was a little kid you told me I'd be getting a brother or sister. You said my sister is in China, she's waiting for us in China. She's waiting for us to come and get her. What is going to happen to her if we don't go get her? AND GRACE I'm sorry, did somebody not have any clue what a teenager is and then accidentally cast a seventeen-year-old in a part written for a kindergartener? SCENE: ANJELICA HUSTON AND JACK DAVENPORT HAVE A MEETING. JACK DAVENPORT I don't know who to choose to play Marilyn! Maybe I'll just spend the whole season deciding. ANJELICA HUSTON Nope, we're blowing our load and casting Marilyn for the workshop by this Friday. And then we'll go directly to Broadway; most of what I see on Broadway is overworked and over-rehearsed. JACK DAVENPORT Whoa, what Broadway shows are *you* seeing? ANJELICA HUSTON'S EX-HUSBAND (entering) You should quit producing Anjelica, I was the one of the two of us who actually knew musicals. For example: who on earth writes the book to a musical *after* casting? Haven't you ever seen what happens to Frank Wildhorn shows? ANJELICA HUSTON (throws a blue slurpee in his face) SCENE: JACK DAVENPORT AND MEGAN HILTY SCREW TO A 70S-ERA PORN BEAT. What is the maximum amount of boob that you can you show while still getting past standards and practices? Because apparently NBC *really* wants to find out. SCENE: ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP. AND GRACE Who wants to hear me read a letter to the birth mother of the child I want to adopt? ... Anyone? No? ... ... Never mind then. SCENE: FINAL CALLBACK (SUPPOSEDLY). JACK DAVENPORT Given that this is an audition that nobody from the general public would ever see, I decided to stage an entire number with a dozen chorus members. Because I got confused and thought "callbacks" meant "a number from Glee". They do that thing where the rehearsal scene becomes the song from the musical with costumes and set. You know, as if this show had never done it before. MEGAN HILTY Look how good I am at doing an eerily-perfect impression of Marilyn Monroe! And how I look like someone who would actually play Marilyn! KATHARINE MCPHEE And I look like some girl who dressed up like Marilyn Monroe for halloween! KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND (via text) KAT MCPHEE U DIDNT TXT ME THAT UD B @ AUDITIONS L8. Y? MEBBE U LIKE CLICHE SITCOM PLOTS? I WUNDR IF WE BREAK UP B4 SEASON DUN. ANJELICA HUSTON Well Jack, it's time to choose a Marilyn, lest somebody think that this show's plot arcs might actually last more than two episodes! JACK DAVENPORT Well on one hand, I slept with Megan Hilty. But on the other hand, KATHARINE McPhee is horrible at convincingly lipsyncing to herself. Wait, why are we all pretending that the race between them is so close? MEGAN HILTY OH MY GOD I GOT THE ROLE OF MARILYN IN A WORKSHOP WHICH MEANS I WILL PROBABLY BE REPLACED WHEN THEY RECAST FOR BROADWAY! KATHARINE MCPHEE OR WHEN THIS DECISION SOMEHOW GETS REVERSED IN A FUTURE EPISODE! MEGAN HILTY I'm going to break my leg, aren't I. KATHARINE MCPHEE Or even worse--I'm playing Norma Jean and you're playing Marilyn Monroe. MEGAN HILTY AND KATHARINE MCPHEE (shudder) Megan Hilty sings a Carrie Underwood song to bump up the "no musical theatre songs in a show about Broadway" quota, then shows off a bit by also trying to fill out the obligatory montage quota. However as she sings, all the snippets are of the other characters just sitting around not doing anything in particular. NEIL PATRICK HARRIS Jesus, this show can't even do montages right? When do I get to make my inevitable guest appearance so we can all stop watching this show? BLACKOUT.