SMASH EPISODE 2 ABRIDGED
                                     OR
        THE CALLBACK (FOR A WORKSHOP OF A MUSICAL (THAT PROBABLY HAS
          NO EFFECT ON THE CASTING ONCE IT MOVES TO BROADWAY (WHEN
            THEY'LL JUST RECAST WITH HAYLIE DUFF OR SOMETHING)))
                              A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod






        SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH...


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Oh director, how many times should I do shakes and shimmies
        while the dialogues insists that I, quote, "can't do sexy"?


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        How should I know, my character's British and nobody knows
        what the motivations are for British people.  Except for
        taking back the 13 colonies and, of course, wanting to fuck
        brunettes from American Idol.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE'S MOM
        KATHARINE, given that I'm telling you that you should marry your
        boyfriend, clearly you're going to break up at some point!


                              CHRISTIAN BORLE
        Debra Messing, did you see NBC force every one of their shows
        to join in a musical number just to promote this show? 


                              AND GRACE
        What?  I can't hear you over me hanging myself with this
        scarf as endless tea is poured directly down my throat.


                              SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
        NOOOOOOOO MY EYEBROWS WILL SAVE YOOOOOUUUUU!






        SCENE: THE INSIDE OF SOMEONE'S MIND, WHICH IS A MUSICAL IF
        WE'VE LEARNED ANYTHING FROM "CABARET".


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
                      (slow gestures that would
                       make a deaf person assume
                       she's singing Celine Dion)
        CALL ME
        WHEN YOU WANT A SHOW
        `BOUT BROADWAY WITHOUT BROADWAY SONGS
        CALL ME
        WHEN YOU PRETEND
        A SHOWTUNE SOUNDS LIKE BLONDIE'S SONG "CALL ME"--


                              Suddenly she's waitressing again, in
                              case you forgot she's a cliche.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        ...Am I going to dream I'm singing in the first scene of
        every friggin episode?!?






        SCENE: MEGAN HILTY GETS TO TALK TO CHARACTERS THAT AREN'T A
        TELEPHONE.


                              MEGAN'S MALE FRIEND
        So you have a callback?


                              MEGAN HILTY
        I have a callback.


                              MEGAN'S FEMALE FRIEND
        And KATHARINE McPhee has a callback?


                              MEGAN HILTY
        KATHARINE McPhee has a callback.


                              MEGAN'S MALE FRIEND
        So you and KATHARINE McPhee both have callbacks.


                              MEGAN HILTY
        Yes.


                              MEGAN'S FEMALE FRIEND
        Do only one of you have callbacks?


                              MEGAN HILTY
        No.


                              MEGAN'S FEMALE FRIEND
        Both of you have callbacks.


                              MEGAN HILTY
        Yes.


                              MEGAN'S MALE FRIEND
        Both you and KATHARINE McPhee.


                              MEGAN HILTY
        Yes, both of us.  This was a real useful talk.


                              SERIES CREATOR        
                              THERESA REBECK
        Since this series was originally created for Showtime, I had
        to take out all the parts of the show that had full frontal
        nudity and replace them with random words strung together
        that I like to pretend are "scenes".






        SCENE: DEBRA MESSING AND BRIAN D'ARCY JAMES ARE AT THE
        ADOPTION AGENCY.


                              ADOPTION WOMAN
        You guys have been together for 18 years?  


                              SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
        Yep, unheard of in show business.
        HAVE THERE BEEN ENOUGH LINES YET ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE
        BROADWAY YET?


                              AND GRACE 
        Please, Adoption Agency Representative, tell us more about
        the nuances of adopting a baby from China, because that's
        clearly what everybody tuned into SMASH to hear all about.
                      (gags)






        SCENE: LET'S FIND OUT HOW PEOPLE WRITE MUSICALS.


                              CHRISTIAN BORLE
        So I'm going to take this stack of cards naming all the 
        songs we've written, shuffle them, toss them at a wall, and 
        we'll do the musical in whatever order they stick.


                              AND GRACE
        Well yes, that is exactly how good musicals are written. 


                              Christian Borle and Debra Messing break
                              character and snicker.


                              ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
                      (also snickering)
        Ha ha...
        Hey what are we all laughing at?


                              CHRISTIAN BORLE'S ASSISTANT
        Is now a good time for me to enter the scene and make
        it painfully obvious that I have nefarious intentions?
        Because since the pilot filmed, I figured out how to play
        this character like I'm a bad guy from a Muppet film.






        SCENE: KATHARINE MCPHEE'S CALLBACK.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Hi everyone, I'm required to mention the phrase "police
        action on the subway" to try to convince people how "New
        York" this "show" "is".
        Anyway, here's me acting out the callback scene.
                      (from script)
        i can't help the way they look at me joe.  it's my job to look like this.  i want to, joe.


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        I see you come from the "pretend the furthest audience
        member is half a foot away" school of acting.
        By the way, I thought you'd like to meet Megan Hilty since
        you're auditioning for the same role. 
        You know, just like how, uh, all of the people who make final
        callbacks for Christine in "Phantom" get to go on a retreat
        together to become the bestest of friends.






        SCENE: CITY HALL.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
        KATHARINE McPhee, would you like a New York Street hot dog
        boiled in nasty hot dog juice?  
        They are DEFINITELY something that actual New Yorkers
        WOULDN'T avoid eating, no matter HOW hungry.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        As an actress trying to keep my body fit, I eat these all the
        time!


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
        Would you like to talk about how your director is British, in
        case the audience doesn't get it from his accent?


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Oh yes, that is definitely worth a chunk of dramatic
        narrative.






        SCENE: DEBRA MESSING'S HOME.


                              SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
        I'm sorry, I don't want to adopt the baby.  I want to go back
        to work, which I haven't been able to do... because... you
        write musicals, I guess?  
        Also I'm afraid my eyebrows might eat the baby.


                              BORED-LOOKING SON
        Well that's just great.


                              SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
        You shouldn't be sitting offstage secretly listening like an
        episode of King of Queens!


                              BORED-LOOKING SON
        But it's the only way Theresa Rebeck knows how to introduce
        me into a scene.
                      (actual dialogue:)
        We've been talking about this forever.  When I was a
        little kid you told me I'd be getting a brother or sister. 
        You said my sister is in China, she's waiting for us in
        China.  She's waiting for us to come and get her.  What is
        going to happen to her if we don't go get her?


                              AND GRACE
        I'm sorry, did somebody not have any clue what a teenager is
        and then accidentally cast a seventeen-year-old in a part
        written for a kindergartener?






        SCENE: ANJELICA HUSTON AND JACK DAVENPORT HAVE A MEETING.


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        I don't know who to choose to play Marilyn!  Maybe I'll just
        spend the whole season deciding.


                              ANJELICA HUSTON
        Nope, we're blowing our load and casting Marilyn for the 
        workshop by this Friday.  And then we'll go directly to Broadway;
        most of what I see on Broadway is overworked and 
        over-rehearsed.


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        Whoa, what Broadway shows are *you* seeing?


                              ANJELICA HUSTON'S        
                              EX-HUSBAND
                      (entering)
        You should quit producing Anjelica, I was the one of the two 
        of us who actually knew musicals.  For example: who on
        earth writes the book to a musical *after* casting?  Haven't
        you ever seen what happens to Frank Wildhorn shows?


                              ANJELICA HUSTON
                     (throws a blue slurpee in his face)





        SCENE: JACK DAVENPORT AND MEGAN HILTY SCREW TO A 70S-ERA PORN
        BEAT.


                              What is the maximum amount of boob that
                              you can you show while still getting
                              past standards and practices?


                              Because apparently NBC *really* wants to
                              find out.






        SCENE: ADOPTION SUPPORT GROUP.


                              AND GRACE
        Who wants to hear me read a letter to the birth mother of the
        child I want to adopt?
        ...
        Anyone?
        No?
        ...
        ...
        Never mind then.






        SCENE: FINAL CALLBACK (SUPPOSEDLY).


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        Given that this is an audition that nobody from the general 
        public would ever see, I decided to stage an entire number with
        a dozen chorus members.  Because I got confused and thought
        "callbacks" meant "a number from Glee".


                              They do that thing where the rehearsal
                              scene becomes the song from the musical
                              with costumes and set.  You know, as if
                              this show had never done it before.


                              MEGAN HILTY
        Look how good I am at doing an eerily-perfect impression of
        Marilyn Monroe!  And how I look like someone who would
        actually play Marilyn!


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        And I look like some girl who dressed up like Marilyn Monroe
        for halloween!


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
                      (via text)
        KAT MCPHEE U DIDNT TXT ME THAT UD B @ AUDITIONS L8.  
        Y?  MEBBE U LIKE CLICHE SITCOM PLOTS?  
        I WUNDR IF WE BREAK UP B4 SEASON DUN.


                              ANJELICA HUSTON
        Well Jack, it's time to choose a Marilyn, lest somebody think
        that this show's plot arcs might actually last more than two
        episodes!


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        Well on one hand, I slept with Megan Hilty.  But on the other
        hand, KATHARINE McPhee is horrible at convincingly lipsyncing
        to herself.  Wait, why are we all pretending that the race
        between them is so close?


                              MEGAN HILTY
        OH MY GOD I GOT THE ROLE OF MARILYN IN A WORKSHOP WHICH MEANS
        I WILL PROBABLY BE REPLACED WHEN THEY RECAST FOR BROADWAY!


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        OR WHEN THIS DECISION SOMEHOW GETS REVERSED IN A FUTURE
        EPISODE!


                              MEGAN HILTY
        I'm going to break my leg, aren't I.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Or even worse--I'm playing Norma Jean and you're playing
        Marilyn Monroe.


                              MEGAN HILTY AND    
                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
                      (shudder)


                              Megan Hilty sings a Carrie Underwood
                              song to bump up the "no musical theatre
                              songs in a show about Broadway" quota,
                              then shows off a bit by also trying to
                              fill out the obligatory montage quota.  


                              However as she sings, all the snippets
                              are of the other characters just
                              sitting around not doing anything in
                              particular.


                              NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
        Jesus, this show can't even do montages right?  
        When do I get to make my inevitable guest appearance so we
        can all stop watching this show?


                                   BLACKOUT.