SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 8:
THE COUP (TO GET RID OF THERESA REBECK)

A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod

SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH...

smash creator theresa rebeck

All SMASH needs to do is get renewed by NBC and my job as showrunner will be GOLDEN!
Uh... right?

SCENE: DEBRA MESSING'S HOME.

AND GRACE

We're past the workshop phase of Marilyn.  It's dead, isn't it?

shrek without makeup

Honey, what an awful thing to say about a television series that just got renewed!  I'm sure it will find a NEW crappy goal to stumble towards as its 2.6 rating somehow reduces the chances of a COMMUNITY renewal!

AND GRACE

I need some cheering up.  Didn't they trumpet that you--a lead in almost a dozen musicals to date--would finally sing in this episode?

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

They advertised that?  Hmm.  Well, want me to sing along to some Bob Marley on Guitar Hero for fourteen seconds?

He DOES.

AND GRACE

That was ridiculous.  I was expecting to hear the sound of a crowd booing just about now.

SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP

Because I'm playing Guitar Hero and not hitting any notes at all?

AND GRACE

What's Guitar Hero?

scene: debra messing and will chase meet in a public park

AND GRACE

How's your family?

WILL CHASE

They're right over there.  Staring at us.  In the same park where I asked you, the woman I cheated on my wife with, to meet me.

AND GRACE

Ah.  Fun.

WILL CHASE

(holding up the Dime he turned on)

I wanted to let you know that I'm suddenly a family man, and suddenly feel that my wife and kids are of the utmost importance to me.

AND GRACE

Let's hope that means your stupid character is finally leaving this show.

will chase

You know how when male writers write female characters, they're unrealistic, full of ungrounded decisions, and change moods wildly?

AND GRACE

But this show was created by a female...

WILL CHASE

Right.  I think I finally understand what it's like to be a female watching TV shows.

scene: megan hilty is on an exercise bike.

MEGAN HILTY

I haven't heard about the Marilyn workshop, so I'm going to exercise HARD and with GRITTED teeth!  Grrr!

scene: jack davenport and katharine mcphee meet in Brooklyn.

JACK DAVENPORT

We're talking to a new songwriter about a new take on Marilyn, but Debra Messing and Christian Borle can't know we're doing any of this.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Who's going to be writing the book?

JACK DAVENPORT

Oh, no, same bookwriter.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

But I thought Debra Messing was the bookwriter.

JACK DAVENPORT

Oh...

KATHARINE MCPHEE

And that the book was the problem with the workshop.

JACK DAVENPORT

Oh right.  I didn't really think this through did I.

The new composer enters.

onerepublic guy

Hi, Katharine McPhee.  I want to say over again how much I like your singing, in case the audience still isn't buying it.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

ONE REPUBLIC!  RYAN TEDDER!  ONE REPUBLIC!

ONEREPUBLIC GUY

Tourette's much?

SCENE: COURTHOUSE

That damn marijuana plot is still going on.

lawyer that christian borle is dating

There's no proof that Debra Messing's son was walking on broken grass.

judge

I have a ticket that the cop wrote out which is actually proof enough, but sure, let's play by your ridiculous made-up version of the legal system.

AND GRACE

FUCK YOU JUDGE!  FFFUUUCCCKKKK YYYOOOOUUU JJJUDDDDGGGEEE!

judge

What a totally normal way to act to a judge, and therefore I will obviously dismiss your case.

showrunner writer theresa rebeck

This is the way a courtroom works, right?

SCENE: ANJELICA HUSTON'S STUPID PLOT OF THE WEEK.

meryl streep's daughter

Mom, Dad, I can't take all your fighting and money and wait, why am I in this show?  Aren't I a Streep?

scene: megan hilty and friends go bowling

megan hilty and friends

(singing)

DANCE TO THE MUSIC!
RIGHT ON THE BOLWING LANE!

megan hilty's friend

LOOK I'M SLIDING ON MY BACK ON THE GUTTER!

brooklyn bowl manager

Everybody get off of the place where the pins are supposed to go, and get out of my bowling alley!  Don't come back until you learn how to do a decent montage.

scene: ellis's stupid hide-behind-things plot, where he also pretends to not be gay for some reason.

that penis assistant

So far I've hidden behind a door--no wait, two doors!--and I became an assistant to Anjelica Huston for free, and I listened in on a phonecall I wasn't supposed to, and I told everybody horrible things about each other with a shit-eating grin.  And at one point I may very well have actually eaten shit.

his "girlfriend"

Why are you doing this all?

THAT PENIS ASSISTANT

Huh.  I never thought of that.  I just kept hiding behind things and hiding behind things and--wait a minute!  Maybe I want to be a producer?

HIS "GIRLFRIEND"

What do producers do?

THAT PENIS ASSISTANT

Act like general dicks to everybody.  HOLY SHIT NOW MY CHARACTER FINALLY MAKES SENSE.

They kiss with the convincability of two five year old children smooshing their faces up against each other.

scene: katharine mcphee's boyfriend has drinks with young new york times reporter in a swanky bar, much like people who work in the mayor's office in real life.

katharine mcphee's boyfriend

People are complaining that SMASH has too much relationship stuff and not enough about the behind-the-scenes of showbiz.

young female new york times reporter

Good point.  Let's talk about Anthony Weiner and the behind-the-scenes of city hall.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Yes that'll fix everything.

YOUNG FEMALE NEW YORK TIMES REPORTER

Oh, we need to bring Katharine McPhee into this scene.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Let's hug.  She's bound to enter the second that your arms are around mine.

They hug.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

(entering)

Hi everyone.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Like clockwork!

scene: jack davenport puts on a number from "MARILYN: THE ONEREPUBLIC MUSICAL WITH A BRUNETTE MARILYN"

JACK DAVENPORT

Now listen Katharine, remember that everybody saw Marilyn as pure and innocent, and that she was sexy on top of that purity.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Purity?  The same Marilyn who slept with JFK?

JACK DAVENPORT

Perhaps now's the time to admit that I've done zero Marilyn Monroe research.

Enter Christian Borle and Debra Messing.

peter and the starcatcher's christian borle

What is this all about?

JACK DAVENPORT

We're showing you the version of Marilyn we're considering doing with new composers, and kicking the old composers out.

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER'S CHRISTIAN BORLE

But WE'RE the old composers.

AND GRACE

Why would you invite us to this?

JACK DAVENPORT

Oh man that makes no sense at all!  GET INTO THE GAME DAVENPORT!

Katharine McPhee--dressed nothing like Marilyn Monroe--does a heavy-thumping number on a rotating bed in the towel from NINE while six Phantom of the Operas claw at her.

For four minutes.  In a musical version of Marilyn Monroe.

This ACTUALLY HAPPENS.

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER'S CHRISTIAN BORLE

(making grossed out face)

This is terrible.

AND GRACE

This is terrible.

this

(is terrible)

Everybody exits except for JACK DAVENPORT and CHRISTIAN BORLE, who start to argue.

JACK DAVENPORT

We once did a show together!  It went badly!

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER'S CHRISTIAN BORLE

You tried to destroy my career!

JACK DAVENPORT

The New York Times critic said they loved my direction and not your songs!

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER'S CHRISTIAN BORLE

You went to every theater in town and trashed me!

JACK DAVENPORT

YEAH THAT'S RIGHT!  KEEP SAYING THINGS TO ME THAT WE ALREADY KNOW LIKE IT'S NEWS TO BOTH OF US!  I'M SO GLAD WE WAITED EIGHT EPISODES TO REVEAL AN EXPOSITIONARY BLOWUP WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING GAME-CHANGING!

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER'S CHRISTIAN BORLE

WE WERE FRIENDS, JACK!

JACK DAVENPORT

AT LEAST TELL THE AUDIENCE MORE ABOUT HOW WE WERE FRIENDS!

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER'S CHRISTIAN BORLE

NO!

JACK DAVENPORT

Well let me say this: your songs for Marilyn Monroe are too "nice" and, while well-written, start to blend into the crap that made CATCH ME IF YOU CAN: THE MUSICAL a bore.

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER'S CHRISTIAN BORLE

How dare you say something to make your character actually sensible!

JACK DAVENPORT

And also, I HATE ALL GAY PEOPLE.

PETER AND THE STARCATCHER'S CHRISTIAN BORLE

Much better.

nbc announcer

Coming soon on Smash: Uma Thurman wasn't doing anything else this month!

BLACKOUT.