At what point do throw your hands up in the air and give up on a television series? Respond in the comments!
SMASH EPISODE 5 ABRIDGED: "LET'S BE BAD (WHAT, LIKE THE OTHER 4 EPISODES ALREADY WEREN'T?)" A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH... NICK JONAS What do you mean I "don't keep the youth demo from turning off the TV"? SCENE: SILLY ANJELICA HUSTON, YOU'RE TOO OLD TO USE A COMPUTER! We zoom in on a money-needy producer whome you don't care about. ANJELICA HUSTON Stupid computer! I don't know my password! She tries to type a password in, but instead plunks random keys like she's playing a John Cage piece on a piano. ASSISTANT WHO HAS BEEN RENDERED AS NOT GAY SO WE DON'T END UP MAKING A GAY BAD GUY, HEAVENS NO! I can help you, Anjelica. I am under 30, and according to the law of horrible writing, I therefore have all the skills necessary to hack any computer. SCENE: REHEARSALS WILL CHASE PLAYING A CREEP Hey Debra Messing, could you write Joe DiMaggio to be better loved by Marilyn, and then Marilyn will cheat on her husband with Joe DiMaggio, assuming you're Marilyn? Except: You're Marilyn. And I'm still Joe DiMaggio. AND GRACE Well, I have a husband, who is conveniently offscreen yet again this week. WILL CHASE PLAYING A CREEP Maybe I'm not doing an over-the-top job insulting the intelligence of anyone still watching this show: I WANT US TO CHEAT ON OUR SPOUSES WITH EACH OTHER WITH MY PENIS. AND GRACE I'm deeply debating what to do. But you can't really tell because I still have that same shocked-to-be-awake expression that I've had for the past 4 episodes. CHRISTIAN BORLE (butting in) She can't sleep with you, she has to write the book for a musical... AND GRACE ...which has to be memorized and performed in thirteen days. CHRISTIAN BORLE Yeah let's keep mentioning that so as to pretend it isn't up there in the absolutely unbelievable CRAP being shoved down the audience's throat... Uh, can I help you, gay black guy? GAY BLACK GUY HI CHRISTIAN BORLE I AM GAY AND LIKE SPORTS. METS! CHRISTIAN BORLE Oh... hi. GAY BLACK GUY I ADDITIONALLY LIKE KNICKS! AND ALSO TOO THE JET TEAM. CHRISTIAN BORLE Funny, in the age of the internet, EVEN THE WORST WRITERS IN THE WORLD could find some ESPN.com Articles and figure out how NORMAL PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SPORTS. Enter yet *another* character you don't care about. JACK DAVENPORT Okay everybody, I'm looking at this list of twenty songs in which Marilyn just sings something sort of relevant to her life while ensemble members dance around her and nothing really happens. So, let's have you do yet another one of them, but Megan Hilty, you need some vocal help. Go get help from Katharine McPhee instead of, I dunno, the MUSICAL DIRECTOR. MEGAN HILTY I used to be a class act when this series started, but now I'm just going to be a big bag of bitch because we ran out of anything for me to do! KATHARINE MCPHEE That's okay, I keep changing my mind about how professional a performer I am or am not depending on the scene's random needs. Am I sexy? Does being sexy gross me out? I'll nev-- MEGAN HILTY DON'T YOU DOWNTALK ME! SCENE: DEBRA MESSING'S HOME. We swap a shitty adoption plot for a shittier teens-using-pot plot. DEBRA MESSING Son, you smoked marijuana in a police station! Now we may not be able to adopt that baby. DEBRA MESSING'S SON I'm sure that's all you care about, the *adoption*. DEBRA MESSING I distinctly remember you having a crying fit over not having a sister. DEBRA MESSING'S SON Why, should I be the only character that doesn't get to change drastically each time a new episode starts? SMASH: For people who love Grey's Anatomy, and can't get their husbands to go to musicals with them. SCENE: SOME ARGUMENT BETWEEN TWO CHARACTERS WHOM YOU STILL DON'T CARE ABOUT. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND Katherine, this is another female I know in the context of this show. KATHARINE MCPHEE Does that mean she becomes your love interest at some point this season? KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND What no she's a serious character who is going to play a major part in OF COURSE I EVENTUALLY SLEEP WITH HER WHY ELSE WOULD WE POSSIBLY INTRODUCE HER? Duh. KATHARINE MCPHEE I am angry about this new plot point! We can't even sufficiently juggle the plot points we already have! Katherine McPhee works through her anger by doing what everybody else does: breaking out into a chair dance in front of a mirror. KATHARINE MCPHEE I've sung my obligatory pop number. Do I get paid now? SCENE: AN ARGUMENT BETWEEN TWO MORE CHARACTERS WHOM YOU STILL DON'T CARE ABOUT. MEGAN HILTY You treat me like an asshole! Which surprises me, almost as if this is the first episode I've appeared in. JACK DAVENPORT No don't you understand: I work hard at director-ing. MEGAN HILTY In the last episode you were feeling up another girl. JACK DAVENPORT That was that episode, this was now. What, do you only date guys who actually seem like they have a consistent throughline from episode to episode? Where would we be then? MEGAN HILTY Seinfeld? Mad Men? The Cosby Show? Sesame Street? SCENE: CHRISTIAN BORLE IS DATING SOME GAY GUY. CHRISTIAN BORLE Why are you so boring? SOME GAY GUY Because I'm a lawyer. CHRISTIAN BORLE Is it funny or entertaining that you're boring? SOME GAY GUY No, it's boring that I'm boring. Let's have bad sex. CHRISTIAN BORLE Will it be funny that we have bad sex? SOME GAY GUY No, it'll be boring that we have bad sex. GAY BLACK GUY (interrupting) Oh man there is so much sports Christian Borle! SCENE: MEGAN HILTY WAKES UP... ...to find Jack Davenport staying up all night working hard on the musical he's putting so much time into. Look at that! For just a moment, something happened that wasn't entirely surface! LET'S SEE HOW WE CAN RUIN THAT... SCENE: DEBRA MESSING'S STOOP, WHERE WILL CHASE IS INSISTENT ON USING THIS AS AN AUDITION FOR THE TEACHER ON "GLEE: THE NEW CLASS" AFTER SMASH GETS CANCELLED. WILL CHASE PLAYING A CREEP (singing) AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE I'LL NEVER LIE TO YOU AND THAT'S A FACT. BUT I'LL NEVER DO IT BETTER THAN I DO IT WITH YOU SO LONG, SO LONG. AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE. DEBRA MESSING OH I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE! WILL CHASE PLAYING A CREEP I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE... The camera pans up from the worst jukebox musical you've ever seen. Slowly. Ever so slowly. Panning, panning, panning... Gee what could it be panning to? Could it possibly be Debra Messing's Son onlook-- Yep, there he is. Maybe they shouldn't kiss in front of their building. DEBRA MESSING AND WILL CHASE BUT I WON'T... DO... THAT. NBC ANNOUNCER JOIN US NEXT WEEK, when Megan Hilty's character will be taking drugs because Marilyn Monroe took drugs or some crap like that? But more importantly, when Community returns from its hiatus! BLACKOUT.