SMASH Abridged: Episode 5

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At what point do throw your hands up in the air and give up on a television series?  Respond in the comments!

                             SMASH EPISODE 5 ABRIDGED: 
                                   "LET'S BE BAD 
                 (WHAT, LIKE THE OTHER 4 EPISODES ALREADY WEREN'T?)"
                                  A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod






            SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH...


                                   NICK JONAS
            What do you mean I "don't keep the youth demo from turning
            off the TV"?






            SCENE: SILLY ANJELICA HUSTON, YOU'RE TOO OLD TO USE A
            COMPUTER!


                                   We zoom in on a money-needy producer
                                   whome you don't care about.


                                   ANJELICA HUSTON
            Stupid computer!  I don't know my password!


                                   She tries to type a password in, but
                                   instead plunks random keys like she's
                                   playing a John Cage piece on a piano.


                                   ASSISTANT WHO HAS BEEN
                                   RENDERED AS NOT GAY SO WE
                                   DON'T END UP MAKING A GAY
                                   BAD GUY, HEAVENS NO!
            I can help you, Anjelica.  I am under 30, and according to
            the law of horrible writing, I therefore have all the skills
            necessary to hack any computer.






            SCENE: REHEARSALS


                                   WILL CHASE PLAYING A CREEP
            Hey Debra Messing, could you write Joe DiMaggio to be better
            loved by Marilyn, and then Marilyn will cheat on her husband
            with Joe DiMaggio, assuming you're Marilyn?
            Except: You're Marilyn.
            And I'm still Joe DiMaggio.


                                   AND GRACE 
            Well, I have a husband, who is conveniently offscreen yet
            again this week.


                                   WILL CHASE PLAYING A CREEP
            Maybe I'm not doing an over-the-top job insulting the
            intelligence of anyone still watching this show:
            I WANT US TO CHEAT ON OUR SPOUSES WITH EACH OTHER  
            WITH MY PENIS.


                                   AND GRACE
            I'm deeply debating what to do.
            But you can't really tell because I still have that same
            shocked-to-be-awake expression that I've had for the past 4
            episodes.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
                          (butting in)
            She can't sleep with you, she has to write the book for a
            musical...


                                   AND GRACE
            ...which has to be memorized and performed in thirteen days.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Yeah let's keep mentioning that so as to pretend it
            isn't up there in the absolutely unbelievable CRAP being
            shoved down the audience's throat...
            Uh, can I help you, gay black guy?


                                   GAY BLACK GUY
            HI CHRISTIAN BORLE I AM GAY AND LIKE SPORTS.  METS!


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Oh... hi.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY
            I ADDITIONALLY LIKE KNICKS!  AND ALSO TOO THE JET TEAM.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Funny, in the age of the internet, EVEN THE WORST WRITERS IN
            THE WORLD could find some ESPN.com Articles and figure
            out how NORMAL PEOPLE TALK ABOUT SPORTS.


                                   Enter yet *another* character you don't
                                   care about.


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            Okay everybody, I'm looking at this list of twenty songs in
            which Marilyn just sings something sort of relevant to her
            life while ensemble members dance around her and nothing
            really happens.  
            So, let's have you do yet another one of them, but Megan
            Hilty, you need some vocal help.  
            Go get help from Katharine McPhee instead of, I dunno,
            the MUSICAL DIRECTOR.


                                   MEGAN HILTY
            I used to be a class act when this series started, but now
            I'm just going to be a big bag of bitch because we ran out of
            anything for me to do!


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            That's okay, I keep changing my mind about how professional a
            performer I am or am not depending on the scene's random
            needs.  Am I sexy?  Does being sexy gross me out?  I'll nev--


                                   MEGAN HILTY
            DON'T YOU DOWNTALK ME!






            SCENE: DEBRA MESSING'S HOME.


                                   We swap a shitty adoption plot for
                                   a shittier teens-using-pot plot.


                                   DEBRA MESSING
            Son, you smoked marijuana in a police station!  
            Now we may not be able to adopt that baby.


                                   DEBRA MESSING'S SON
            I'm sure that's all you care about, the *adoption*.  


                                   DEBRA MESSING
            I distinctly remember you having a crying fit over not having
            a sister.


                                   DEBRA MESSING'S SON
            Why, should I be the only character that doesn't get to
            change drastically each time a new episode starts?


                                   SMASH: For people who love Grey's
                                   Anatomy, and can't get their husbands
                                   to go to musicals with them.






            SCENE: SOME ARGUMENT BETWEEN TWO CHARACTERS WHOM YOU STILL DON'T
            CARE ABOUT.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
            Katherine, this is another female I know in the context of
            this show.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            Does that mean she becomes your love interest at some point
            this season?


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
            What no she's a serious character who is going to play a
            major part in OF COURSE I EVENTUALLY SLEEP WITH HER WHY
            ELSE WOULD WE POSSIBLY INTRODUCE HER?  Duh.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            I am angry about this new plot point!  We can't even
            sufficiently juggle the plot points we already have!


                                   Katherine McPhee works through her
                                   anger by doing what everybody else
                                   does: breaking out into a chair dance
                                   in front of a mirror.


                                   KATHARINE MCPHEE
            I've sung my obligatory pop number.  Do I get paid now?






            SCENE: AN ARGUMENT BETWEEN TWO MORE CHARACTERS WHOM YOU STILL
            DON'T CARE ABOUT.


                                   MEGAN HILTY
            You treat me like an asshole!
            Which surprises me, almost as if this is the first episode
            I've appeared in.


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            No don't you understand: I work hard at director-ing.


                                   MEGAN HILTY
            In the last episode you were feeling up another girl.


                                   JACK DAVENPORT
            That was that episode, this was now.  What, do you only date
            guys who actually seem like they have a consistent throughline
            from episode to episode?  Where would we be then?


                                   MEGAN HILTY
            Seinfeld?  Mad Men?  The Cosby Show?  Sesame Street?






            SCENE: CHRISTIAN BORLE IS DATING SOME GAY GUY.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Why are you so boring?


                                   SOME GAY GUY 
            Because I'm a lawyer.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Is it funny or entertaining that you're boring?


                                   SOME GAY GUY
            No, it's boring that I'm boring.  Let's have bad sex.


                                   CHRISTIAN BORLE
            Will it be funny that we have bad sex?


                                   SOME GAY GUY
            No, it'll be boring that we have bad sex.


                                   GAY BLACK GUY
                          (interrupting)
            Oh man there is so much sports Christian Borle!






            SCENE: MEGAN HILTY WAKES UP...


                                   ...to find Jack Davenport staying up
                                   all night working hard on the musical
                                   he's putting so much time into.


                                   Look at that!  For just a moment,
                                   something happened that wasn't entirely
                                   surface!  


                                        LET'S SEE HOW WE CAN RUIN THAT...






            SCENE: DEBRA MESSING'S STOOP, WHERE WILL CHASE IS INSISTENT
            ON USING THIS AS AN AUDITION FOR THE TEACHER ON "GLEE: THE 
            NEW CLASS" AFTER SMASH GETS CANCELLED.


                                   WILL CHASE PLAYING A CREEP
                          (singing)
            AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE
            I'LL NEVER LIE TO YOU AND THAT'S A FACT.
            BUT I'LL NEVER DO IT BETTER THAN I DO IT WITH YOU
            SO LONG, SO LONG.
            AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE.


                                   DEBRA MESSING
            OH I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE!


                                   WILL CHASE PLAYING A CREEP
            I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR LOVE...


                                   The camera pans up from the worst
                                   jukebox musical you've ever seen.


                                   Slowly.


                                   Ever so slowly.


                                   Panning, panning, panning...


                                   Gee what could it be panning to?


                                   Could it possibly be Debra Messing's
                                   Son onlook--


                                   Yep, there he is.  Maybe they shouldn't
                                   kiss in front of their building.


                                   DEBRA MESSING AND WILL CHASE
            BUT I WON'T...
            DO...
            THAT.


                                   NBC ANNOUNCER
            JOIN US NEXT WEEK, when Megan Hilty's character will be
            taking drugs because Marilyn Monroe took drugs or some crap
            like that?  But more importantly, when Community returns from
            its hiatus!


                                        BLACKOUT.

Other SMASH Abridged Episodes

Classic Broadway Abridged Scripts

9 Comments

PLEASE continue doing this. these scripts are 1) more entertaining than the actual show and b) something really awesome to look forward to every week (more than the show). I wait up for them. Please don't stop!!!
Hilarious as always. But would they need to have the book memorized for the reading? Won't they have notebooks?
HI-larious! Using Anjelica Huston at the computer was perfect because it was the most ridiculous and funniest scene of the episode. I love her so, but what the hell.
Wonderful!
With all the people watching "Smash" just for these scripts (me included), you may single-handedly save this show from being cancelled.
I can throw up my hands and give up whenever I want; you are contractually required to continue the recaps through the end of the season!
Just disappointed--not in you, in the writers--that Anjelica didn't throw a drink in her computer's face...
My boyfriend asked me why someone on "Smash" would be wearing the mask from V For Vendetta. I explained it was Anjelica Huston ... sigh.
The day you stop writing these abridged scripts will be the day I stop watching the show. NBC should cut you royalty checks!

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