SMASH Abridged: Episode 10

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"I just realized what I look like when they put this wig on me."

SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 10: THE UNDERSTUDY
or
                        ALMOST
THE EPISODE WITH UMA THURMAN ^ IN IT

SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH...

KATHARINE MCPHEE

The Director wants to sleep with me but I'm not cheating on you!

katharine mcphee's boyfriend

This young female New York Times reporter and I have a lot of scenes together, but they are all justifiably about work and I'm not cheating on you!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I'm still not cheating on you!

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

I'm still not cheating on you!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I already told the director no in episode one!

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

I, like normal people in real life, don't have affairs with every frickin' person at work just because they're pretty.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

But this isn't real life.  This is SMASH.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

And as a Brit, I wonder if this show's title is thusly named because it makes more sense if I watch it while I am SMASHed myself.

scene: rehearsal room

JACK DAVENPORT

Okay, everybody, as we saw from last week's trailer, this is the episode where Uma Thurman arrives and...

(an assistant whispers something into his ear)

Bullocks.  Sorry everyone, apparently we signed her up for 5 episodes, not six.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

But Megan Hilty and I already made up!

MEGAN HILTY

WE DANCED DRUNK!  We're not supposed to be civil to each other until there's at least a common enemy for--

KATHARINE MCPHEE

THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU TWO.  We're going to have to spend the episode doing filler material.  Let's all draw silly markings on Uma Thurman's face.

MEGAN HILTY

Well now I'm not in rehearsals anymore, so I'm sad.  I should sing a montage song as I strip down to lingerie in front of the set from Chicago.

That happens.

smash creator and still-showrunner-FOR-THIS-EPISODE theresa rebeck

Yes I have convinced myself that somewhere among the females and gay males, there's one person out there who was about to shut their TV off, saw Megan Hilty's cleavage on more display than usual and said to himself, "Nevermind, I'll keep watching utter garbage."

MEGAN HILTY

DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY CLEAVAGE THAT WAY.

We see three minutes of gratuitous cleavage shots as the camera spins around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and around and

MEGAN HILTY

(vomits)


scene: Katharine mcphee and her boyfriend talk about Jack Davenport

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

You don't like the guy, you never did.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Why should I, he sexually harassed me the first day I met him.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

What?  He what?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Oh.....

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Oh?  Oh what?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Oh, as in... uh... LOOK AT THAT PRETTY PRETTY PLOT CONTRIVANCE!

(runs away)


scene: anjelica huston's stupid plot of the week

ANJELICA HUSTON

The people I need to invest in my show want me to prove to them that we're doing rewrites and that our star performer is going to show up!

guy at the bar

Uh... what.... assholes?... I guess...?

ANJELICA HUSTON

If only I had an easy-out solution so that I wouldn't have to answer to people with reasonable concerns!

GUY AT THE BAR

I slave away at this bar day-in and day-out, but I'm happy to give you all of my money and refer you to an investor who's stinking rich.

ANJELICA HUSTON

(burning the contracts of investors she may in fact have to work with someday)

EAT HELL!

GUY AT THE BAR

(to camera)

Uh, see you next week, folks.

scene: kathArine mcphee's apartment.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

We are sleeping back-to-back!

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

That's how you can tell how ANGRY we are!

katharine mcphee and boyfriend

SSSSSSSOOOOOOO AAANNNNGGGRRRYYYY!

scene: megan hilty's bedroom that was designed by a five year old girl

GAY SPORTS GUY

Why are you being nice to Katharine McPhee, Megan?

MEGAN HILTY with way more cleavage than normal

I have a plan...

GAY SPORTS GUY

....yes?

MEGAN HILTY with way more cleavage than normal

I'm going to be nice...
...
and that's all I got.

GAY SPORTS GUY

Ah.  Bit of a letdown there.

MEGAN HILTY with way more cleavage than normal

Yah.  Feels kinda like this is the last episode of this show, doesn't it?  Maybe that renewal notice was an April Fools gag.

SCENE: REHEARSAL ROOM

jack davenport

Where's the guy playing Darryl Francis Zanuck?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Who the hell is that?

JACK DAVENPORT

Oh sure I *could* explain it, but our new method of maintaining viewership is to try to get the folks at home to Google for Smash-related things while they're already half-not-paying-attention-to an episode.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Half watching an episode?  NOT ON MY WATCH!

Christian Borle does a song and dance number with dancers wearing towels over their dance clothes, to suggest that they would be in towels in the real show. 

Except for that they're constantly pulling their towels off, which confuses whether WAIT SHHHH QUIET.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

(singing)

I AM BETTER THAN EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW
I AM BETTER THAN EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW
TEN TIMES BETTER THAN EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW
MY GOD, GIVE ME A SPIN-OFF!

gay sports guy

Wow.  That was great.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Thank you.

GAY SPORTS GUY

No, I mean...  Wow.  You're on *actual* Broadway, right?  I bet if you were in a Broadway show RIGHT NOW, you alone would be worth the price of admission.

peter and the starcatcher's
christian borle

Oh, I don't know what you could possibly ever be talking about.

GAY SPORTS GUY

I want to pat your back as I tell you how those three minutes (almost) made bearing through these past ten episodes worth it.  But I'm afraid that if I do, the Republican guy you're dating will walk in just as I'm doing it.

awesome christian borle

Only one way to find out, right?

Gay Sports Guy pats Chr--

gay republican guy

(appears)

AND I WAS SHOWING UP WITH COFFEE FOR YOU, CHRISTIAN!

(disappears)


KATHARINE MCPHEE

Oh phew it's not only me.

GAY SPORTS GUY

How does he even know who I *am*?

scene: a high school production of "three on a match", written by the team who brought you many other musicals with titles that suck.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Every single goddamn year, on the anniversary of its original opening night, Debra Messing and I go see a production of the first musical we ever wrote. 
Naturally, that means that there's never been a production of our musical that isn't during early April. But I digress: Husband Husband Husband Husband Husband Husband Husband Husband.

and grace

(runs out of the auditoriam)


CHRISTIAN BORLE

What's the matter with you?  These people are nice, really nice, and your character is an unnecessary cheating fuckwad who cries about everything.

AND GRACE

My husband left me!

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Oh, is that all?  I'd assumed you already told me.  Like, between episodes, the moment it happened.

AND GRACE

No, I only tell you when I fuck people I'm not married to.

CHRISTIAN BORLE

Did Eric McCormack teach you *nothing* about gay people?

scene: katharine mcphee's apartment.

A knock on the door.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

I'm answering the door, and I'm wearing revealing clothing, and I sure hope it's not Jack Davenport--

JACK DAVENPORT

Bullocks.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

JESUS didn't we already do this trope on THIS VERY EPISODE?

JACK DAVENPORT

So I just had a weird dream that you were playing Marilyn Monroe, and I tried hard to pretend you were very good at the role, but you were awful, just god-awful, and I'm not a good enough actor to pretend that hard.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

We can't all be Christian Borle.

JACK DAVENPORT

Well, certainly you can't.  Anyway, I'm here to say I'm sorry for being an Angry Brit.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Why couldn't you just call me?

JACK DAVENPORT

Because what other plot contrivances would we use to have your boyfriend mistake what is going on, jump to unnecessary conclusions, and inevitably punch me in the face?

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Punch what in the what?

Suddenly her boyfriend conveniently appears.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

YYYEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!

(punches Jack Davenport in the face)

That felt good.  One more, and then I want to punch Ellis and Debra Messing's horrible child actor son!

KATHARINE MCPHEE

STOP!  He came over to apologize for having been a lecher!  I was dressed like this so I could seduce *you*!  It was all a simple unlikely misunderstanding.

KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND

Oh, well that makes perfect sense!  I'm sorry, Jack.

JACK DAVENPORT

No hard feelings, I've learned the err of my ways.

KATHARINE MCPHEE

Great, we all were able to deal with our problems like adults and oh right I forgot this is Smash.

jack davenport, katharine mcphee,
and her boyfriend

AAAARRRRGGHHHHH UNNECESSARY RAGE!

Everybody fights some more.

NBC ANNOUNCER

Join us next week, when Uma Thurman reminds you of why you don't remember her performance in "The Producers" movie!



BLACKOUT.

Other SMASH Abridged Episodes

Classic Broadway Abridged Scripts

5 Comments

photo caption - katherine mcphee in 'jean smart: the musical'
Thanks so much. Every week I look forward to abridged Smash as much as I look forward to the more Karen ;-)
Terrence Mann!? What's next?
Unfortunately, I remember Uma in "The Producers" movie... wait, she was the one with the obvious dance double and using an "authentic" Swedish accent (you know, the REAL accent- not the funny burlesque one)? My Smash rant for this week: Why cast a 17 year-old as AND GRACE's son when the part was clearly written for an 8 year-old? Well, that and the WTF towels. OK- one more: did ANY of the lead actors bother to show up for these rehearsals?
MEGAN HILTy:
I'm going to be nice...
...
and that's all I got. GAY SPORTS GUY:
Ah. Bit of a letdown there.
hahahaha when i was watching the show i was like wtf thats such a stupid plan!

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