SMASH EPISODE 4 ABRIDGED: 
            "THE COST OF ART (IS AN 0.5 RATINGS DIP)"
                         A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod






   SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH...


                          MEGAN HILTY'S RACK
   Hi.






   SCENE: KATHARINE MCPHEE'S FIRST DAY OF REHEARSAL.


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE
   Hello everyone.


                          TWO BITCH GIRLS AND A BITCHY
                          GAY GUY
   UGH!


                          Megan Hilty enters and everybody claps
                          for her.


                          BROADWAY ACTOR WITH ONE LINE
                          IN THIS EPISODE
   We love you Megan Hilty!


                          ANOTHER BROADWAY ACTOR
                          MAKING MONEY ON THE SIDE BY
                          APPEARING IN THIS THING
   Megan Hilty, you're the best!  I like you and dislike
   Katharine McPhee!


                          A THIRD BROADWAY ACTOR WHOSE
                          TALENT IS BEING WASTED
   You'll surely NEVER be the villainess of this show, thereby
   turning off all the people who like you much better!  That
   wouldn't possibly happen!






   SCENE: ANJELICA HUSTON'S OFFICE.


                          ANJELICA HUSTON
   Oh no I have to sell my artwork.


                          That's enough of that.






   SCENE: REHEARSAL.


                          Megan Hilty changes into her "I slept
                          with the Director and all I got was
                          this lousy T-Shirt" T-Shirt. 


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE
   They're *sleeping* together?


                          TWO BITCH GIRLS AND A BITCHY
                          GAY GUY
   I don't know that they're getting much sleep!


                          SERIES CREATOR       
                          THERESA REBECK
   BWAH HA HA HA HA THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER HUMOR.


                          JACK DAVENPORT
                 (to Megan Hilty)
   Hey, did you hear Nick Jonas is in this episode?  I'm
   throwing him a big birthday party.  I discovered him.


                          MEGAN HILTY
                 (to Christian Borle)
   Did you hear Nick Jonas is in this episode?  Jack Davenport
   is throwing him a big birthday party.  He told me he
   discovered him.


                          CHRISTIAN BORLE
                 (to Debra Messing)
   Did you hear Nick Jonas is in this episode?  Jack Davenport
   is throwing him a big birthday party.  He told Megan Hilty he
   discovered him.


                          DEBRA MESSING
                 (to that penis assistant)
   Did you hear Nick Jonas is in this episode?  Jack Davenport
   is throwing him a big birthday party.  He told Megan Hilty he
   discov--


                          MEGAN HILTY
   EVERYONE!  Katharine McPhee is too loud.  I want to throw her
   out of the number.


                          JACK DAVENPORT
                 (to Christian Borle)
   Megan Hilty thinks Katharine McPhee is too loud.  She's
   throwing her out of the number.


                          CHRISTIAN BORLE
   OK, Katharine McPhee.  Megan Hilty is throwing you out of the
   number because she thinks you're too loud.






   SCENE: CITY HALL.


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE
   So Megan Hilty threw me out of the number.  She thought I was
   too loud. Megan Hilty threw me out of the number.  She
   thought--


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
   Has this show already assumed that people are watching it in
   the background while sorting laundry? 


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE
   She--


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
   Sorry, I can't hear you.  In this episode, my characteristic
   is that I own a cellphone!






   SCENE: ANJELICA HUSTON'S OFFICE.


                          ANJELICA HUSTON
                 (points at lawyer)
   YOUR OCCUPATION IS A LAWYER.


                          LAWYER
   Yes.


                          ANJELICA HUSTON
   I HATE MY EX-HUSBAND BUT I USED TO NOT HATE MY EX-HUSBAND.


                          LAWYER
   Also true.


                          ANJELICA HUSTON
   Good, I wanted to make sure everyone knew that there can
   always be more exposition.
                 (sighs)
   Oh, artwork!


                          LAWYER
   We must be improvising, right?  
   We couldn't possibly be working off of an actual script...






   SCENE: OUTSIDE REHEARSAL.


                          TWO BITCH GIRLS AND A BITCHY
                          GAY GUY
   Oh look it's Katharine McPhee again.  UGH!


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE
   Megan Hilty threw me out of the number.  She--


                          TWO BITCH GIRLS AND A BITCHY
                          GAY GUY
   WE SAID "UGH!"  YOU ARE BORING AND FROM OHIO, SO WE HATE YOU.


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE
                 (piano underscoring kicks in to
                  show that this moment is
                  IMPORTANT)
                 (or, that perhaps somebody needs
                  piano scoring to make up for
                  lackluster acting skills)
   You guys are being jerks.


                          TWO BITCH GIRLS AND A BITCHY
                          GAY GUY
   You are right!  We shouldn't be mean to you.  After all
   you're boring, and from Ohio!  
   Now we suddenly adore you because we are going to make you a
   better person.  By peer-pressuring you into buying expensive
   clothes and turning you into a rag doll.


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE
   Sure, why don't I spend the entirety of what my Dad gave me
   in the last episode, in one spree!  Surely that won't cheapen
   anything.






   SCENE: NICK JONAS'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.


                          JACK DAVENPORT
   I'm throwing a birthday party for boy who isn't even old
   enough to drink.  Nothing is creepy about this at all!


                          NICK JONAS
   Who wants to hear me through my nose?  Cuz that's the only
   way I can sing.


                          MEGAN HILTY
   Singing through your nose turns me on.  Let's go have sex.


                          NICK JONAS
                 (to camera)
   I AM THUMBS-UPING, AMERICA, SO YOU KNOW I AM INTO THIS AND
   ALSO DEFINITELY NOT GAY.


                          They move into the bedroom but Anjelica
                          Huston is there, still crying over her
                          dumb artwork.


                          ANJELICA HUSTON
   Hey 20-year-old boy!  Buy this painting.  It was my past
   happiness...
                 (to Megan Hilty)
   But now you are my Happiness.


                          NICK JONAS
   You're a real cockblock.  Also this is my worst birthday yet.


                          ANJELICA HUSTON
                 (calling for a waiter)
   Drinks!


                          NICK JONAS
   Does this *look* like a bar?


                          Anjelica Huston calls together a subset
                          of the main characters that you don't
                          give a crap about (as opposed to the
                          other main characters whom you also
                          don't care about).


                          ANJELICA HUSTON
   Debra Messing, Christian Borle, Will Chase, Megan Hilty:
   everybody has to audition for Nick Jonas!


                          WILL CHASE 
   So we have more backing money for the Marilyn musical?


                          ANJELICA HUSTON
   What?  No, it's NBC's contingency plan when Smash loses it's
   last viewer in Mid-March:  
   A show called "Everybody Has To Audition For Nick Jonas".


                          AND GRACE
   Sounds completely awful, but not entirely unbelievable.


                          They present a song for the partygoers:


                          NICK JONAS
   Hi everybody, today is my Birthday, so obviously I want to
   listen to showtunes.  Take it away, Christian-Borle-and-some-
   other-musicians-you've-never-met-who-don't-have-the-
   sheet music.


                          CHRISTIAN BORLE
   All right, guys, uh, listen. This is a blues riff in "B",
   watch me for the changes, and try and keep up, okay?  


                          The creative team breaks out into song
                          and sings perfectly and dances in
                          complete unison and even Nick Jonas's
                          character seems to know lyrics.


                          ANJELICA HUSTON
   We are 5 seconds away from breaking out into "Come on
   Eileen" solely because my character's name is Eileen.


                          MEGAN HILTY
                 (feeling cocky for having
                  almost fucked a Jonas brother)
   Jack Davenport, do you love me?


                          JACK DAVENPORT
   You are worthless scum, Megan Hilty.  And other shitty things
   I tell you so you feel horrible.


                          MEGAN HILTY
                 (crying)
   I am sorry just don't leave me please I'm a nothing.


                          JACK DAVENPORT
   Heh.


                          KATHARINE MCPHEE
   Hey, don't I get to poorly-lipsync yet another random pop
   song in yet another karaoke bar for no reason?


                          That of course happens.

                          Then the episode ends because 
                          it filled up enough minutes of TV.


                          PLAYWRIGHT, SCREENWRITER  
                          AND TELEVISION WRITER      
                          AARON SORKIN
   Twenty bucks to the first person who can explain to me why
   I'm not writing this show.


                               BLACKOUT.