SMASH ABRIDGED EPISODE 6:
(PRAY FOR) CHEMISTRY
Scene: previously on smash
will chase and grace
(played tonsil hockey)
nothing else particularly interesting
(happened over the course of the entire hour)
REHEARSAL OF COURSE, WHERE MEGAN HILTY IS FUCKING SINGING "Let me BE your
fucking star" a-fucking-gain.
EVERY WEEK IT'S A NEW CHAPTER IN THE BATTLE OF MEGAN HILTY
VS. KATHARINE MCPHEE FOR MARILYN MONROE!
(somehow with even more cleavage than last week?)
Still? I look the part, sing the part, act the part and,
well, technically *have* the part of Marilyn Monroe! There IS no actual
battle. What is so hard for everybody to underst--
megan hilty's singing voice
(makes froggie noises)
Deux Ex Machina? REALLY Theresa Rebeck?
smash creator theresa rebeck
Singers lose their voice all the time! It's dramatically exciting!
Exciting when it happens in episode 11 and the understudy has
to take over in a thrilling tour-de-force. Not in episode SIX.
SMASH creator THERESA REBECK
I've never seen a musical in my life.
So let's put this song over here and this scene over here... or we can switch it so this scene goes here and this song goes here?
Wanker! It doesn't matter which order you put it in, either way these songs cannot possibly make for a compelling or enjoyable
piece of staged musical theatre!
Wait, now we're actually *admitting* that if this hits real
Broadway it'll be a piece of shit? Like, openly? Wow.
Suddenly Katharine McPhee gets confused and thinks she's in a Shakespeare play, so she hides behind a large setpiece to eavesdrop.
Maybe we should start preparing Katharine McPhee to be Marilyn?
Only if you promise you won't go through all this trouble just to find that at the end, about as much has changed as in an episode of Full House.
I... I can't make that promise at all.
anjelica huston is too poor to pay for the videogame she'd short-circuit if she threw
a martini at it.
Look, I randomly have an investor now!
that assistant with the endless shit-eating grin
I no longer seem to be doing anything remotely related to being Christian Borle's
assistant. So why don't I can help you get an apartment?
That's great! It's not like I know how to find a real
estate office OH RIGHT THERE'S ONE EVERY BLOCK BECAUSE THIS IS NEW YORK FUCKING
Now let me PANDER to people who play videogames.
Anjelica Houston plays a shooting videogame for the rest of the night.
This is Vitally Important because IN THE FINAL EPISODE SHE
KILLS THE WHOLE CAST WITH A SHOTGUN when she LOSES THE DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS.
Sorry... should that have been a #SpoilerAlert?
kid who can't act
Mom you're burning the pancakes.
I'm sorry, I was busy daydreaming about the previous episode. I've read the script for this one, and it's actually worse!
Brian D'Arcy James comes home.
shrek without makeup
My flight arrived early! The captain said my eyebrows
made the plane extra-aerodynamic.
KID WHO CAN'T ACT
I'm ssooooooo glad you're home, because I'm sssoooo angry
about Mom cheating on you!
SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
I should go away more often.
KID WHO CAN'T ACT
Watch your subtlety, young man!
bernard telsey, casting director for "smash"
What the fuck is subtlety?
katharine mcphee's apartment.
shot of katharine mcphee holding a black dress in her right
Do you like this dress?
without a shot to break it up, cut directly to:
shot of kathArine mcphee holding the same blacK dress in her
katharine mcphee's boyfriend
Whoa. Your dress suddenly moved from one hand to the
other out of nowhere like magic!
That's not magic. That's a show so sloppily produced, Debra Messing's son had to do all the editing.
KID WHO CAN'T ACT
Surprise, I also can't edit!
christian borle's apartment.
The gay guy I'm dating only JUST came out to his mother!
THIS IS A BIG DEAL.
...you're aware that barely any straight people in America
understand why, right?
Oh, well that's all I got for this episode. You?
Will Chase kissed me last night. And then he broke out into song.
Great, now we're ACKNOWLEDGING that people break out into a jukebox musical.
And a whole bunch of music filled the air from what sounded
like a recording studio--it was WEIRD!
That still doesn't explain why now he's acting like he's going to rape you.
scene: mhilty201 makes a youtube of herself lipsyncing a jessie j song in her bedroom.
Katharine McPhee! What are you doing in my magic mirror?
KATHARINE MCPHEE in a silly halloween outfit
I wanted to remind everybody how silly I look dressed like
Marilyn Monroe. Also I'm PANDERING to those viewers who still think I
should play Marilyn.
Don't worry Megan I'm here to comfort you!
that black gay guy
MY HAT IS BACKWARDS CAUSE I ENJOY THE HOCKEY RANGER
TEAM. GO GAMES OF SPORTS!
Never mind I'm leaving.
DO A BAR MITZVAH SCENE AND PRAY THAT WE ARE PANDERING TO JEWS?
You know how when you're watching a mediocre television show,
you occasionally look at a moment and say, "this has to be the worst part of
the series?" You look at a particular scene and go, "there is no way
it could possibly get worse than this?"
If that moment was a moment other than any of this satelite-feed/DVR-space-wasting crap:
(with inexplicable female chorus backup)
Hello BAR MITZVAH are you ready to rock?
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
You Bar Mitzvah kids like Florence and the Machine right?
...then you were WRONG.
scene: the rehearsal space, late at night.
Getting from Tribeca to Shetler in a
nightshirt was creepy! That cabbie--
WILL CHASE as an asshole
He takes his shirt off, PANDERING to the sort of women who watch this show unironically.
WILL CHASE AS AN ASSHOLE
Now take your top off in front of these huge windows just to make sure the audience knows that not a single one of the writers has ever lived in Manhattan.
She does, PANDERING to all the Will and Grace fans who... wanted... to know what a middle-aged Grace's back looked like?
WILL CHASE AS AN ASSHOLE
This moment is perfect. If only we had onscreen
...instead of looking like we're trying to figure out what
insect is on each other's foreheads!
They keep their pants on, so obviously they don't have sex.
They just kiss topless. And dryhump some.
Everybody, here are new lyric sheets that I'm not passing out. NOW SING!
HOW DO YOU DARE EXPECT ME TO SING A SONG WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN HAND ME THE LYRICS!
Everybody else in this series seems to be able to break out into song without a problem.
WELL THAT WAS A BIT OF UNSCRIPTED DRAMA TODAY.
By which I mean I've used deductive reasoning to conclude that we don't actually have writers anymore.
Join us next week, when--
We gave it six episodes, and this is that breaking point--
--when Broadway legend Bernadette Peters guest stars!
Dammit. Fuck you, Smash.
(begrudgingly tunes in next week)