SMASH EPISODE 3 ABRIDGED: "ENTER MR. DIMAGGIO"
                                     OR
                      THAT'S WHAT MARILYN MONROE SAID
                              A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod






        SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH...


                              AND GRACE
        I want to go back to work.


                              SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
        But what about the adoption?


                              AND GRACE
        No let's still adopt a baby.


                              A beat.


                              SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
        Now *I* want to go back to work.


                              AND GRACE
        But what about the adoption?


                              SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP
        No let's still adopt a baby.


                              MILDLY RETARDED SON
        If I don't get a baby sister I'm going to have a temper
        tantrum.


                              NEILSEN HOUSEHOLDS
        If I have to hear more of this god damned plotline, I'm
        switching to watching Hawaii Five-O on Monday nights.






        SCENE: MEGAN HILTY IS SLEEPING WITH JACK DAVENPORT.


                              MEGAN HILTY
        Are you not letting me go to your apartment because you're
        afraid to be seen with me?


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        My neighbor's on the floor below, and they turned off the gas
        and now they've broken the gas, and now I have no gas, and I
        wish I had gas, but I don't have gas, gas, gas, and I can't
        invite you since I don't have gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas,
        gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas


                              MEGAN HILTY
        So does that mean I didn't get the part of Marilyn because
        I'm sleeping with you?


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        No, it's because when Katharine McPhee is onstage, that dead
        stare in her eyes makes it looks like she's suffering a
        concussion.


                              MEGAN HILTY
        How will I ever know if I got the part just because I'm
        sleeping with you?


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        Also it's because the composer really likes you, and you have
        a lot more stage experien--


                              MEGAN HILTY
        WILL I EVER KNOW IF I GOT THE PART BECAUSE I'M SLEEPING WITH
        YOU?


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        Well you didn't get the part because of your ability to play
        subtlety.


                              MEGAN HILTY
        Also how many episodes do you think I can drag this plot arc
        out?


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        Can you do it without me?  I need to go see Katharine McPhee
        in a bar.






        SCENE: JACK DAVENPORT GOES TO SEE KATHARINE MCPHEE IN A BAR.


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        I want you in the chorus.  This way I can keep open the
        possibility of having another place to dip my wick.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Sure, but can I spend the next 45 minutes complaining how
        little workshops pay?


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND
        And, can we have a silly, silly British Accent-off?  
        I'll start: BULLOCKS!  WANKER!  SOD-OFF!  
        Now you call me a Fanny or something.


                              JACK DAVENPORT
        Can you guys do all that without me?  I need to go see Will
        Chase in a... 
        Bruno Mars musical?  No I can't be reading this correc--






        SCENE: WILL CHASE IS IN A BRUNO MARS MUSICAL, WHICH IS A PLOT
        POINT I DID NOT MAKE UP.


                              WILL CHASE
        Everybody, let's perform to the upstage camera with our backs
        turned to the audience!


                              AUDIENCE AT LA MAMA
        Why look at the stage when you can just look at a video
        screen, showing you what you'd see if this was a TV SHOW and
        not a LIVE PERFORMANCE?


                              CHRISTIAN BORLE
                      (holding a Bruno Mars The
                       Musical playbill that some
                       poor sap in the art department
                       actually had to mock up)
        This would be a really good time to lament over the "theatre
        is dead" cliche.  Just... puttin' that out there.






        SCENE: CREATIVE TEAM MEETING.  WHAT BROOKLYN-ESQUE OUTFIT
        WILL DEBRA MESSING BE WEARING THIS WEEK?!?!?


                              ANJELICA HUSTON
        Will Chase is sensational!


                              AND GRACE
        How can you tell?  From that ridiculous number?  From the
        fact that you almost wished you were just hearing Bruno Mars
        singing?  From the fact that he sings songs that Aren't
        Showtunes?


                              ANJELICA HUSTON
        Oh, no, you can tell because me and other characters keep
        saying it over and over.  Rule #1 of theatre: Showing is
        overrated!


                              CHRISTIAN BORLE
        We should cast him.  He was in Wicked.  I think I forgot to
        mention Wicked last episode.  Let's never do that again!


                              AND GRACE
        Christian, I'm concerned with casting Will Chase because I
        slept with him, which by god better be the reason I want to
        have two kids an unhealthy fifteen years apart.  
        Will and I kissed passionately on the Brooklyn Bridge,
        because the Empire State Building was out-of-order.


                              CHRISTIAN BORLE
        You dated him while we were writing "Ready Money"?


                              AND GRACE
        Is that really the name of a musical we wrote?  We're not
        very good at naming shows are we.


                              ASSISTANT WHO LOOKS KIND OF
                              LIKE A TURD
        As far as Disney Villains go, I'm apparently too much James
        Woods and not enough Jeremy Irons.  So I'm going to overhear
        that you slept with Will Chase.  Like I'm in a Shakespeare
        Comedy.  
        AND I'm stealing your lyrics notes.  AND I'm somehow
        convinced that a court would award me money for being the
        first person in the world to consider dramatizing the story
        of Marilyn Monroe!  Is that evil enough for ya!


                              AND GRACE
        I don't know who you are, Assistant.  But there's this thing
        called acting, and I bet if you aww-shucks'd your way into
        the New York Public Library, you'd find books all about it.


                              ASSISTANT WHO LOOKS KIND OF
                              LIKE A TURD
                      (evil cackling)
        ALSO I'M STRAIGHT!  I AM INTO THE POOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN--


                              AND GRACE
        We really need to give you a girlfriend, because you are
        entirely unconvincing as a straight guy.


                              We interrupt this plot point to bring
                              you exactly what you wanted to watch on
                              TV: two old divorced people arguing.


                              ANJELICA HUSTON'S EX-HUSBAND
        Anjelica, I bought you a Glee Slushie Martini.


                              ANJELICA HUSTON
        What am I supposed to do with this?


                              ANJELICA HUSTON'S EX-HUSBAND
        Throw it in my face, of course, just like GLEE!  
        You see, GLEE was a huge hit for Fox. 
        And when NBC sees a huge hit, they know that carbon-copying is 
        always going to be just as successful as the original without
        having to be creative on your own!  
        Isn't that right, THE EVENT?


                              NBC'S "THE EVENT"
        Hey leave me out of this.  I think "Glee" is a piece of shit.






        SCENE: KATHARINE MCPHEE HAS A BABY SHOWER TO ATTEND.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Listen, Friend With Baby, I have this oversized teddy bear
        for your Baby Shower--


                              FRIEND WITH BABY
        Instead of buying something off my registry, of course--


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        --but I'm not sure if I'll be able to make the Baby Shower
        itself.  See, every episode I have to sing a pop song, and I
        don't seem to be meeting quota.


                              FRIEND WITH BABY
        Will it help if I move the baby shower to a Karaoke bar?


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Thank you, that's as inexplicably convenient as the set-ups
        for most musical theatre songs!  Now to sing.


                              FRIEND WITH BABY
                      (punches her in the head)


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
                      (gets another concussion)
                      (sings another pop song)
                      (has clearly never seen a
                       musical, btw)






        SCENE: WILL CHASE ISN'T SURE WHETHER TO PLAY JOE DIMAGGIO.


                              WILL CHASE'S WIFE
        They're top New York composers, Will, and I have to say
        things like that in case the songwriting alone isn't
        convincing you!  
        So you *have* to play Joe DiMaggio!


                              WILL CHASE
        First I want the audience to hear even more complaints about
        what little money people make in workshops.  Also, how will I
        be able to support my son here, who according to this show's
        undeterminable logic might very well be Debra Messing's? 
        Maybe I should stay in that Bruno Mars show.


                              WILL CHASE'S WIFE
        But the Bruno Mars show is closing on Sunday.


                              WILL CHASE
        What?  Why?


                              WILL CHASE'S WIFE
        ...Did you not see the clip?






        SCENE: SMASH RUINS THE SECRET OF THE "CLOISTER CAFE" FOR
        EVERYONE.


                              Fuck you, Smash.






        SCENE: KATHARINE MCPHEE SAYS GOODBYE TO HER PARENTS.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE'S FATHER
        The girls are coming to pick you up.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Yes, they're taking me to the airport.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE'S FATHER
        It's amazing how everybody in this show gets temporary
        amnesia and needs everything explained to them.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Maybe it's get I because of all concussions the?


                              We hear an underscoring of that
                              infernal "Let Me Be Your Star" song, as
                              we can be sure we'll hear in every
                              episode of this show.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE'S FATHER
        Listen, I don't know about this Broadway profession.  
        I saw you at the karaoke bar, and if you want to make it on
        Broadway, you're going to have to learn how to how to sing
        like your mind's not in another universe.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        ...getting wooooooozy...


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE'S FATHER
        And I like being the cliche father who's unsupportive of your
        dream, but then I realized that this is TV, and I'm probably
        rich.  Here, take money.


                              KATHARINE MCPHEE
        Now I don't have to worry about my rich boyfriend supporting
        me!  The American dream is wonderf...
                      (collapses)






        SCENE: REHEARSAL FOR THE MARILYN MONROE/JOE DIMAGGIO NUMBER.


                              WILL CHASE
                      (to Debra Messing)
        I wanted to tell you that you smell nice.  


                              AND GRACE
        Way less creepy than just saying that I look pretty today.


                              CHRISTIAN BORLE
        All Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio ever wanted was a simple
        life!


                              AND GRACE
        Really?


                              CHRISTIAN BORLE
        Whatever, just go with it.


                              Megan Hilty and Will Chase sing a song
                              about marriage.


                              AND GRACE
        Wait-- this relates to my current life!  The Marilyn Monroe
        musical we're writing has parallels to what's going on with
        me!  Finally!  Maybe this show starts taking that route and
        gets better from here on out!


                              NBC ANNOUNCER
        Tune in next week for special guest star Nick Jonas.


                              AND GRACE
        Haha... 
        Wait that's a joke right?  That's the obligatory joke that
        ends these abridged scr--


                                   BLACKOUT.