This show would be much easier to Abridge if it didn't start at 10PM.
SMASH EPISODE 3 ABRIDGED: "ENTER MR. DIMAGGIO" OR THAT'S WHAT MARILYN MONROE SAID A Broadway Abridged Script by Gil Varod SCENE: PREVIOUSLY ON SMASH... AND GRACE I want to go back to work. SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP But what about the adoption? AND GRACE No let's still adopt a baby. A beat. SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP Now *I* want to go back to work. AND GRACE But what about the adoption? SHREK WITHOUT MAKEUP No let's still adopt a baby. MILDLY RETARDED SON If I don't get a baby sister I'm going to have a temper tantrum. NEILSEN HOUSEHOLDS If I have to hear more of this god damned plotline, I'm switching to watching Hawaii Five-O on Monday nights. SCENE: MEGAN HILTY IS SLEEPING WITH JACK DAVENPORT. MEGAN HILTY Are you not letting me go to your apartment because you're afraid to be seen with me? JACK DAVENPORT My neighbor's on the floor below, and they turned off the gas and now they've broken the gas, and now I have no gas, and I wish I had gas, but I don't have gas, gas, gas, and I can't invite you since I don't have gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas, gas MEGAN HILTY So does that mean I didn't get the part of Marilyn because I'm sleeping with you? JACK DAVENPORT No, it's because when Katharine McPhee is onstage, that dead stare in her eyes makes it looks like she's suffering a concussion. MEGAN HILTY How will I ever know if I got the part just because I'm sleeping with you? JACK DAVENPORT Also it's because the composer really likes you, and you have a lot more stage experien-- MEGAN HILTY WILL I EVER KNOW IF I GOT THE PART BECAUSE I'M SLEEPING WITH YOU? JACK DAVENPORT Well you didn't get the part because of your ability to play subtlety. MEGAN HILTY Also how many episodes do you think I can drag this plot arc out? JACK DAVENPORT Can you do it without me? I need to go see Katharine McPhee in a bar. SCENE: JACK DAVENPORT GOES TO SEE KATHARINE MCPHEE IN A BAR. JACK DAVENPORT I want you in the chorus. This way I can keep open the possibility of having another place to dip my wick. KATHARINE MCPHEE Sure, but can I spend the next 45 minutes complaining how little workshops pay? KATHARINE MCPHEE'S BOYFRIEND And, can we have a silly, silly British Accent-off? I'll start: BULLOCKS! WANKER! SOD-OFF! Now you call me a Fanny or something. JACK DAVENPORT Can you guys do all that without me? I need to go see Will Chase in a... Bruno Mars musical? No I can't be reading this correc-- SCENE: WILL CHASE IS IN A BRUNO MARS MUSICAL, WHICH IS A PLOT POINT I DID NOT MAKE UP. WILL CHASE Everybody, let's perform to the upstage camera with our backs turned to the audience! AUDIENCE AT LA MAMA Why look at the stage when you can just look at a video screen, showing you what you'd see if this was a TV SHOW and not a LIVE PERFORMANCE? CHRISTIAN BORLE (holding a Bruno Mars The Musical playbill that some poor sap in the art department actually had to mock up) This would be a really good time to lament over the "theatre is dead" cliche. Just... puttin' that out there. SCENE: CREATIVE TEAM MEETING. WHAT BROOKLYN-ESQUE OUTFIT WILL DEBRA MESSING BE WEARING THIS WEEK?!?!? ANJELICA HUSTON Will Chase is sensational! AND GRACE How can you tell? From that ridiculous number? From the fact that you almost wished you were just hearing Bruno Mars singing? From the fact that he sings songs that Aren't Showtunes? ANJELICA HUSTON Oh, no, you can tell because me and other characters keep saying it over and over. Rule #1 of theatre: Showing is overrated! CHRISTIAN BORLE We should cast him. He was in Wicked. I think I forgot to mention Wicked last episode. Let's never do that again! AND GRACE Christian, I'm concerned with casting Will Chase because I slept with him, which by god better be the reason I want to have two kids an unhealthy fifteen years apart. Will and I kissed passionately on the Brooklyn Bridge, because the Empire State Building was out-of-order. CHRISTIAN BORLE You dated him while we were writing "Ready Money"? AND GRACE Is that really the name of a musical we wrote? We're not very good at naming shows are we. ASSISTANT WHO LOOKS KIND OF LIKE A TURD As far as Disney Villains go, I'm apparently too much James Woods and not enough Jeremy Irons. So I'm going to overhear that you slept with Will Chase. Like I'm in a Shakespeare Comedy. AND I'm stealing your lyrics notes. AND I'm somehow convinced that a court would award me money for being the first person in the world to consider dramatizing the story of Marilyn Monroe! Is that evil enough for ya! AND GRACE I don't know who you are, Assistant. But there's this thing called acting, and I bet if you aww-shucks'd your way into the New York Public Library, you'd find books all about it. ASSISTANT WHO LOOKS KIND OF LIKE A TURD (evil cackling) ALSO I'M STRAIGHT! I AM INTO THE POOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN-- AND GRACE We really need to give you a girlfriend, because you are entirely unconvincing as a straight guy. We interrupt this plot point to bring you exactly what you wanted to watch on TV: two old divorced people arguing. ANJELICA HUSTON'S EX-HUSBAND Anjelica, I bought you a Glee Slushie Martini. ANJELICA HUSTON What am I supposed to do with this? ANJELICA HUSTON'S EX-HUSBAND Throw it in my face, of course, just like GLEE! You see, GLEE was a huge hit for Fox. And when NBC sees a huge hit, they know that carbon-copying is always going to be just as successful as the original without having to be creative on your own! Isn't that right, THE EVENT? NBC'S "THE EVENT" Hey leave me out of this. I think "Glee" is a piece of shit. SCENE: KATHARINE MCPHEE HAS A BABY SHOWER TO ATTEND. KATHARINE MCPHEE Listen, Friend With Baby, I have this oversized teddy bear for your Baby Shower-- FRIEND WITH BABY Instead of buying something off my registry, of course-- KATHARINE MCPHEE --but I'm not sure if I'll be able to make the Baby Shower itself. See, every episode I have to sing a pop song, and I don't seem to be meeting quota. FRIEND WITH BABY Will it help if I move the baby shower to a Karaoke bar? KATHARINE MCPHEE Thank you, that's as inexplicably convenient as the set-ups for most musical theatre songs! Now to sing. FRIEND WITH BABY (punches her in the head) KATHARINE MCPHEE (gets another concussion) (sings another pop song) (has clearly never seen a musical, btw) SCENE: WILL CHASE ISN'T SURE WHETHER TO PLAY JOE DIMAGGIO. WILL CHASE'S WIFE They're top New York composers, Will, and I have to say things like that in case the songwriting alone isn't convincing you! So you *have* to play Joe DiMaggio! WILL CHASE First I want the audience to hear even more complaints about what little money people make in workshops. Also, how will I be able to support my son here, who according to this show's undeterminable logic might very well be Debra Messing's? Maybe I should stay in that Bruno Mars show. WILL CHASE'S WIFE But the Bruno Mars show is closing on Sunday. WILL CHASE What? Why? WILL CHASE'S WIFE ...Did you not see the clip? SCENE: SMASH RUINS THE SECRET OF THE "CLOISTER CAFE" FOR EVERYONE. Fuck you, Smash. SCENE: KATHARINE MCPHEE SAYS GOODBYE TO HER PARENTS. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S FATHER The girls are coming to pick you up. KATHARINE MCPHEE Yes, they're taking me to the airport. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S FATHER It's amazing how everybody in this show gets temporary amnesia and needs everything explained to them. KATHARINE MCPHEE Maybe it's get I because of all concussions the? We hear an underscoring of that infernal "Let Me Be Your Star" song, as we can be sure we'll hear in every episode of this show. KATHARINE MCPHEE'S FATHER Listen, I don't know about this Broadway profession. I saw you at the karaoke bar, and if you want to make it on Broadway, you're going to have to learn how to how to sing like your mind's not in another universe. KATHARINE MCPHEE ...getting wooooooozy... KATHARINE MCPHEE'S FATHER And I like being the cliche father who's unsupportive of your dream, but then I realized that this is TV, and I'm probably rich. Here, take money. KATHARINE MCPHEE Now I don't have to worry about my rich boyfriend supporting me! The American dream is wonderf... (collapses) SCENE: REHEARSAL FOR THE MARILYN MONROE/JOE DIMAGGIO NUMBER. WILL CHASE (to Debra Messing) I wanted to tell you that you smell nice. AND GRACE Way less creepy than just saying that I look pretty today. CHRISTIAN BORLE All Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio ever wanted was a simple life! AND GRACE Really? CHRISTIAN BORLE Whatever, just go with it. Megan Hilty and Will Chase sing a song about marriage. AND GRACE Wait-- this relates to my current life! The Marilyn Monroe musical we're writing has parallels to what's going on with me! Finally! Maybe this show starts taking that route and gets better from here on out! NBC ANNOUNCER Tune in next week for special guest star Nick Jonas. AND GRACE Haha... Wait that's a joke right? That's the obligatory joke that ends these abridged scr-- BLACKOUT.